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Although she felt uneasy after accepting the invitation, for some reason, that night Noriko felt relieved. Her husband and the children returned to their rooms after dinner, relaxing. It was a familiar scene, but compared to the day before, she felt somehow lighter. The source of her depression hadn't disappeared. Still, knowing that it would be over if she just held on a little longer, she somehow felt relieved.
But what should she say to her family? She had no choice but to say she was going to dinner with friends. It was hard to ask, since she mostly met up with friends for lunch. But…
"Hey, can I go out for drinks this Friday?" she decided to ask her husband.
He looked puzzled and replied, "Huh? A company party or something? That's unusual."
She couldn't bring herself to go out drinking with just one man. She finally let go and said, "My friends from school are back home now, so we're all going to get together."
Her husband replied kindly, "Yeah, just don't drink too much."
She didn't feel particularly guilty. But it seemed silly to lie to her family about something so insignificant. Guilt might slowly begin to creep up on her, but for now, she just wanted to feel better. Deep down, she knew this wasn't a solution to the problem, just an escape.
On Friday, after work, I went home, prepared dinner, parked my car, and headed to the downtown area from the nearby bus stop. My husband hadn't returned home yet, but my kids were. I was going out drinking with a man. This was starting to feel heavy, even now. Guilt made me feel extremely depressed. It wasn't exactly positive, but it was for work. I'd just accepted it… Surely he wouldn't invite me out later that night… Regret was brewing, even now.
Not knowing the man well, I wondered if I was doing something dangerous. But we were just going out for drinks. That's all. That's all I told myself. But what exactly should I talk about? If I said something strange and upset him, it would all be for nothing. I'd just make up some trivial conversation and get away with it.
I arrived at the station where we were supposed to meet 10 minutes early. Sakai hadn't arrived yet. It'd be hard to find each other with so many people. Just as I was thinking this, I felt a tap on my shoulder. There, standing there, was Sakai, still in his suit after work.
The two of us went into a nearby bar. I thought he'd take me to a bar, but it turned out to be a stylish izakaya. Maybe he's not used to treating women. Thinking this, I sat down inside.
We continued drinking for just under an hour. I had only had one sake cup, but Sakai had four beers. We only talked about our work, hardly anything personal. All we talked about was our families and each other's companies. As we got drunker, I started to get bored of Sakai's constant talk about work. He wasn't as scary as I'd thought, and I began to feel relieved, thinking maybe this was normal. Should I go home now? I'd entered the bar at 8 o'clock, and it was already 9:30. Thinking this, I thought it was about time to head home.
"Let's drink here again next week," I heard Sakai say, sounding drunk and in a good mood.
It wasn't hard to predict, but perhaps it was a mistake to have even come out for a drink once. Sakai said to me, as I looked troubled, "If you can't even entertain me, I might as well call off the deal."
Things started to get darker before my eyes. I felt more than angry; I felt a kind of despair. I looked like I was on the verge of tears. A few dozen seconds passed, and I began to feel increasingly irritated. But if I lost my temper now, it would cause trouble for the company. I didn't have any particular attachment to the company. But everyone around me was so considerate of me. So I decided to solve this problem myself. That's what I thought, but perhaps it was impossible.
I felt a keen sense of my own powerlessness, and of my own as a woman, and was filled with frustration. Filled with frustration and irritation, I couldn't refuse. Or rather, I didn't have the courage to say no. I didn't have the energy to even say a word.
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