Ash drifted lazily through the air, carried by the faint evening breeze. The once-vivid clearing was now a battlefield of scars: charred stumps, melted stone, and a few unlucky trees that still smoldered, coughing out smoke as if they too had fought and lost.
Ahmed stood in the center of it all, glowing faintly like an overheated lightbulb left plugged in too long. His entire body trembled—not with heroism, but with the uncomfortable pressure of the unstable fireball swirling wildly in his right palm.
"Ya rabbi…" Ahmed muttered, beads of sweat rolling down his temples. "Why does this thing feel like holding a couscous pot with no oven mitts?"
🔊 [NOTICE: HOST IS HOLDING A CONTAINED NUCLEAR DISASTER. SUCCESS RATE: 1%. FUNNY FAILURE RATE: 99%.]
Ahmed twitched, the fireball flaring dangerously in his grip. "You shut up before I throw this on you, wallahi—"
🔊 [WARNING: FRIENDLY FIRE ENABLED. IF YOU ATTEMPT TO TARGET SYSTEM, YOU WILL HIT YOURSELF.]
Liuyue, the cultivator whose calmness had not cracked once even against fire-breathing monstrosities, now gave Ahmed a side-glance that spoke volumes. Her silver hair shimmered faintly in the light of dying flames. Her sword—still slick with the blood of lesser beasts—was leveled at the forest beyond, where the Nightmare Beast's guttural roar echoed.
"You… are trembling," she said softly, voice steady as the mountains.
Ahmed looked at her with wild eyes. "Of course I'm trembling! Sister, I'm holding something that might turn me into Tunisia's first man-made firework!"
🔊 [CORRECTION: SECOND. PREVIOUS RECORD HOLDER: HOST'S UNCLE, WHO SET OFF FIRECRACKERS IN 2003.]
Ahmed froze. "…how do you even know about that?!"
Liuyue exhaled slowly, ignoring the system's taunts. "If you lose control, you may kill us both."
"Lose control? Habibti, look at me!" Ahmed's voice cracked, his hand shaking so violently that the fireball sputtered sparks. "Do I look like I was ever in control of anything?!"
The Beast Returns
The ground rumbled.
Trees splintered.
And then, from the shadow of the deeper woods, the Nightmare Beast reappeared.
It was a terror made flesh: towering fur black as pitch, horns curling like jagged mountains, and flames seething between its jagged fangs. Its crimson eyes locked onto the glowing idiot standing in the clearing.
Ahmed squeaked. "Ah, no no no no no. This thing remembers me!"
🔊 [CORRECTION: BEAST RECOGNIZES HOST AS LEAST THREATENING ENTITY. DECIDES TO ELIMINATE YOU FIRST OUT OF PITY.]
"Pity?! Ya latif, I'm being hunted out of pity?!" Ahmed's knees knocked together, and the fireball in his palm pulsed.
Liuyue lifted her blade, voice calm but urgent. "Do not falter now."
Ahmed snapped his head toward her. "Falter? Sister, I'm about to explode! Literally!"
The Countdown
🔊 [NOTICE: BEGINNER PACK FULL POWER AVAILABLE IN… 39 MINUTES.]
Ahmed's eye twitched. "…Thirty-nine minutes? That's like… like three hours in Tunisia traffic time."
🔊 [CORRECTION: IT WILL FEEL LIKE ETERNITY BECAUSE HOST IS PATHETIC.]
"Wallahi, one day I'll uninstall you."
🔊 [SYSTEM IS NON-REMOVABLE. NICE TRY, CLOWN.]
The beast let out a roar so powerful it rattled Ahmed's teeth. A wave of scorching air rushed over the battlefield, sending ash spiraling. Liuyue stepped forward, her sword rising in a practiced arc, but Ahmed?
Ahmed panicked.
And when Ahmed panicked, chaos followed.
Ahmed's Genius Plan (Trademark Pending)
"Okay, okay, I got this!" Ahmed said, his voice trembling with desperate bravado. "Listen, habibti, here's the plan: I'll throw this fireball… and then I run."
Liuyue blinked at him, the faintest trace of disbelief touching her stoic face. "…That is your plan?"
"Yes! Classic distraction technique! Step one: make a mess. Step two: run faster than the mess."
🔊 [NOTE: HOST IS USUALLY THE MESS.]
Ahmed snapped. "You know what? Shut it, toaster!"
He raised his trembling hand and hurled the unstable fireball with all the power of a man who had absolutely no upper body strength.
It soared.
It shimmered.
It screamed like a kettle.
And then it hit…
…a tree.
The Explosion
!BOOOOM!
The entire left side of the clearing erupted in a wave of chaotic fire. Trees snapped like twigs, ash shot into the sky, and Ahmed was thrown backward by the shockwave, rolling headfirst into a mud puddle.Liuyue's robes flared dramatically in the fiery blast, though she remained perfectly balanced, blade steady. She turned her head just enough to watch Ahmed's mud-covered form flop like a fish.
"...Impressive."
Ahmed sat up, covered in ash and muck, coughing violently. "Impressive?! I wasn't aiming for that! I was aiming for it!" He pointed wildly at the Nightmare Beast, which, to his horror, remained completely unscathed.
The beast tilted its massive head, almost confused. Then it let out another roar.
🔊 [CONGRATULATIONS: HOST SUCCESSFULLY DESTROYED SEVERAL INNOCENT TREES. GLOBAL WARMING ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED.]
Ahmed screeched. "Ya rabbi, I'm not a hero, I'm a lumberjack!!"
Liuyue's Turn
The beast lunged forward, its massive claws raking across the clearing. Liuyue's blade shimmered with ethereal light as she leapt, spinning gracefully into the fray. Her strikes were precise, her movements flowing like a dance.
Ahmed scrambled backward, trying not to soil himself. "Look at her, mashallah, fighting like an angel—meanwhile I'm out here playing with matches like a five-year-old!"
🔊 [CORRECTION: HOST HAS LESS CONTROL THAN FIVE-YEAR-OLD.]
Ahmed's eyes narrowed. "…I hate you."
Ahmed Accidentally Saves the Day (Again)
In his scramble to get away, Ahmed tripped—spectacularly—over a rock. As he fell, his hands flailed wildly, and another unstable fireball (which had apparently been "queued" in his Beginner Pack inventory) launched itself from his palm.
It soared through the air, spinning end-over-end, sparks trailing like a drunken firework.
It struck the Nightmare Beast directly in the backside.
!KAAAABOOOOM!
The forest shook. The beast howled in fury, stumbling forward from the sheer surprise of being blown in such an… undignified location. Liuyue seized the opening, her blade piercing its shoulder in a strike that made the monster bellow.
Ahmed, still face-down in the dirt, raised one finger weakly. "…See? Totally planned. Tactical… mud maneuver…"
🔊 [NOTICE: NEW TECHNIQUE UNLOCKED: SLAPSTICK STRATEGY.]
Aftermath of Idiocy
The beast staggered back, flames sputtering around its horns. For the first time, it looked wary. Not of Liuyue's blade—no, that made sense. But wary of Ahmed, the unpredictable disaster machine.
Ahmed pushed himself upright, dirt sticking to his face, eyes glazed. "Habibti… did I… did I just…?"
Liuyue's expression was unreadable. "…You distracted it."
"Distracted?! Sister, I humiliated it! I just bombed its backside! No wonder it's angry!"
🔊 [NOTICE: HOST HAS ACHIEVED NEW TITLE: ANNOYANCE LEVEL: DIVINE.]
Ahmed wiped his face, half-crying, half-laughing. "Ya rabbi… my legacy… I'm going to be remembered as the guy who roasted a beast's rear end."
Liuyue's lips twitched. For the first time since Ahmed met her, it seemed like she almost smiled.
Epilogue Cliffhanger :
The beast roared again, this time with murderous intent, flames swirling hotter than before. It stomped forward, shaking the ground, its blood-red gaze locked squarely on Ahmed.
🔊 [NOTICE: BEGINNER PACK FULL POWER AVAILABLE IN… 32 MINUTES.]
Ahmed's jaw dropped. "Thirty-two minutes?! Sister, I'm not surviving thirty-two seconds!"
The Nightmare Beast lunged.
Ahmed screamed.
And once again, destiny laughed.
[TO BE CONTINUED...]