Chapter 350: The Most Disgusting Invention in Human History
Ron's moral bottom line is, of course, money, which is easily satisfied. With a wave of his hand, Francis reduced the tax rate for Ron's Special Operations Team from 70% to 60%. Don't underestimate this small 10%; given Ron's current work efficiency, this 10% could easily amount to tens of millions of dollars.
Worth it!
However, it's not yet time for Ron to make his move. Although Eggsy and the Statesman agents successfully found the ex-girlfriend of the traitorous agent and planted a listening device inside her—
why the word "planted"? Ron didn't know; that's what Eggsy said when he called him—
nothing of value had been received yet. So Ron could only continue waiting. However, this didn't stop him from making some preparations in advance. For example, he had Howard make some new gadgets for him in the Caltech lab. Therefore, Ron was going to Caltech even more frequently during this period.
Recently, due to the virus, Sheldon was worried about mutations and chose to work from home, completely isolating himself. Even Ron and the others had to be sprayed with disinfectant before entering the lab. The advantage, however, was that there wouldn't be anyone constantly chattering and affecting the mood in the lab anymore.
But today, when Ron entered the lab, he found it strangely eerie.
"What the hell! What is this thing?" Ron asked, pointing to two bizarre objects on the table.
It was a metal box with a metal tube connecting it to an iron ball with a mouth. Ron even saw a disgusting artificial tongue inside!
Forgive Ron for not being able to call it a tongue.
"Hey Ron, come see my new invention!" Howard proudly pulled Ron to the machine. "This is a kissing machine I invented for Leonard and his long-distance girlfriend. You see, that port on top can stimulate the mouth with electrical signals. Leonard gets one here, and Rajesh's sister gets one in India.
He just needs to move his mouth and tongue to transmit signals, and it feels like a real kiss."
To demonstrate, Howard picked up a kissing machine and kissed the incredibly ugly artificial lips. Ron couldn't bear to look.
What a perverted mind it must have taken to come up with such a perverted invention! Howard was truly something else!
"How about it? Want to try it?"
Ugh...
"No, thank you, but since you invented it for Leonard, why not let him try it?" Ron felt a bit nauseous. He swore this was definitely the most disgusting invention in human history, bar none!
Fortunately, he quickly shifted the blame to Leonard, who was watching the show.
Before Leonard could react, Rajesh stepped forward: "Let me try."
Rajesh hugged the kissing machine—so big it couldn't be shown without being censored—and after just one glance, he kissed it deeply: "Is it like this?"
"Pretty much. You can try to feel it like a real kiss. It has sensors inside that can transmit signals synchronously to mine." Howard explained while kissing, and Ron got goosebumps all over.
These two idiots, didn't they know that this could be considered indirect kissing?
The impact of this scene on Ron was no less than seeing two people kissing directly on the lips, and even more disgusting. Leonard's mother was right, these two definitely had homosexual tendencies!
"Is it like this?" Rajesh continued kissing, imitating Howard. In this respect, he was definitely a good student.
"Not bad, not bad, let's try a different position."
"Am I doing it right?"
"Yes, just like that, absolutely perfect!" Howard even hugged the back of the sensor ball with one hand, completely absorbed in the moment. Ron swore he hadn't been this attentive when kissing his fiancée.
Unfortunately, he was only hugging a simulator, and the person kissing him via the simulated signal was a 200-pound Indian man.
"Ah!" Howard suddenly felt a jolt, his mouth going numb: "What did you do!"
"Just a light bite, I just wanted to add a little more fun." Rajesh looked aggrieved.
"Why do you have to make everything so lewd?"
"Enough! It's your invention that's lewd!" Ron finally couldn't take it anymore and interrupted the argument between the two perverts. The scene was just too much to bear. "Put your damn kissing machine aside for now. Howard, how's the single-person flying machine I asked you to make coming along? You're not going to try to fool me with some suicide flying machine again today, are you?"
Ron guessed that the real location of the Golden Circle was probably a remote place, most likely deep in the rainforest of some tropical country. Only in this way could he explain why spy satellites all over the world couldn't find it.
Although he didn't know its exact location yet, it didn't stop Ron from preparing transportation in advance.
Although in principle helicopters could reach anywhere, that was only in principle.
In reality, the complex geography of the tropical rainforest, and the countless air currents cut by mountains and forests, could lead to a fatal crash if one was unfamiliar with the terrain.
Moreover, drug dealers weren't pushovers; they would definitely shoot down any unfamiliar helicopters they saw in the sky immediately.
The vegetation in the rainforest would provide the drug traffickers with excellent cover, and even the most advanced helicopter could be easily shot down with a single surface-to-air rocket.
Ron needed a highly efficient, ultra-low-altitude, and sufficiently quiet aircraft. Ron had initially thought Howard could become his personal Q, creating such a vehicle for him, but Howard's proposals were, as always, unreliable.
First, there was a flight pack similar to the rocket-propelled troops in old military strategy games; the experimental dummy was instantly incinerated by the rocket's exhaust during its maiden flight. Then came a flying delta wing equipped with the same rocket thrusters.
This one met Ron's requirements perfectly during flight, but the problem lay in the landing. It seemed Howard hadn't considered the landing issue at all; at high speed, the dummy crashed into rocks and shattered into pieces.
This morning, Howard texted him saying he had two new proposals, which is why Ron came over to check them out.
"How could that be!" Howard became serious when talking about his professional work. "I'm the world's best engineer. There's absolutely no way my designs will have problems!"
"Are you sure? Mr. Howard, the space plumber?" Ron looked doubtful. "I remember last week the astronauts on the International Space Station had to do an unplanned spacewalk because of a toilet problem—or rather, a toilet that sprayed everything out. You haven't forgotten that already, have you?"
"Space plumber" was a nickname Sheldon had given Howard to commemorate this chapter in human history of space travel. When this was mentioned, Howard's face turned red, and he mumbled things like, "Can an engineer's mistake be considered a mistake?"
followed by even more obscure things like "E=MC²" and "Schrödinger's cat paradox," which made everyone laugh and the laboratory was filled with a cheerful atmosphere.
After everyone had finished laughing, Ron pressed his palms down again: "Alright, Howard, show me your new plan. I hope you can impress me this time."
"Look, I have two new plans," Howard opened the PowerPoint he had stayed up all night to prepare: "The first one is still using a delta-wing rocket for fast flight, but I've designed a new gadget to solve the landing problem."
Howard tapped the screen, and a strange jacket-like garment appeared: "This is my inflatable landing suit. Just tap this spot, and it will quickly inflate into a ball in 0.3 seconds, encasing you in protection from any impact.
Once you reach the vicinity of the landing site, jump off the rocket, quickly deploy this thing, and you can make a hard landing on the ground. The only drawback is that I can't guarantee how many times you'll roll on the ground, or where you'll end up."
Ron imagined himself turning into a balloon and rolling back and forth on the ground, eventually getting stuck between two rocks, and then being shot at by drug dealers. He quickly shook his head: "This plan is a little better than the last one, but it still has many problems. Keep it as a backup. Next."
"The second idea came from drones." Howard pulled up the second design diagram, which was an enlarged version of a quadcopter, except that a cockpit had been added to the middle section.
"What's the difference between this and a helicopter? If I were to use it, I might as well just fly a helicopter."
"No, no, no, the difference is huge," Howard opened the exploded view: "First of all, it uses electric motors instead of engines, making it more than half the noise of a helicopter, and its rotor blades can change direction.
When the aircraft flies to a sufficient altitude, it can turn the rotor blades backward, allowing the airflow to directly propel the aircraft forward, making it more than twice as fast as a regular helicopter. What do you think? I've always said that Sheldon isn't the only genius among us."
Ron rested his chin on his hand. This design was quite interesting. He remembered that many of the flying cars released by major tech companies in recent years had similar designs. Moreover, this plan had another advantage: the space under the aircraft could be used to install some weapons, causing some damage before landing.
"Looks good, let's choose this option. How long will it take you to make it?"
"A week and a half, but there's one small problem, hehe~" Howard rubbed his hands together: "Due to the battery's energy density, it can only fly less than 200 kilometers. Is that okay?"
Ron frowned: "Less than 200 kilometers? That's indeed a problem, but it's not too bad. What's your actual designed flight distance?"
"120 kilometers, or about 100 kilometers at full speed."
Ron was speechless. You dare to boast about less than 200 kilometers when it's barely over 60 miles? That's too much! With this kind of overselling, why don't you go work for a vaporware startup?
But to be fair, this option is probably usable, it's just that the usage method might need some thought.
"Ron, is it okay? If not, I'll go back and think about it some more?" Howard asked anxiously when he saw Ron deep in thought.
To his surprise, Ron waved his hand dismissively: "No need, this is fine. Also, make me a few extra sets of those suits from your first proposal; I might need them for something else."
Ron still hadn't decided which one to use, but time was of the essence, so he had to settle for one. Even a terrible aircraft was better than nothing.
While Ron was still agonizing over the new aircraft proposal, on a London street, a woman with a face covered in blue rashes rushed into a public phone booth. After looking around to make sure she wasn't being followed, she picked up the phone and dialed a number she already knew by heart.
"Hello, Charlie, it's me. I'm covered in blue rashes. What should I do?" the woman sobbed.
Far away in the jungles of Cambodia, deep in the Golden Circle base, the traitorous agent Charlie frowned: "Wait! Didn't I tell you not to call me?"
"Don't worry, I'm using a public phone. Why didn't you warn me sooner? Warn me the drugs were poisonous?" the woman complained softly, nervously looking around.
Isn't that obvious? They call it drugs and you still don't know they're toxic? Okay, this confusion is understandable. In English, illegal drugs are generally called 'drugs,' which can also mean medication.
"I remember telling you not to touch that stuff lately!"
"But I'm going to a music festival! Everyone does drugs at music festivals!" the girlfriend complained. This is another major bad habit in Western culture. No one knows when it started, but most people think it began with the hippie movement, and music festivals became synonymous with drugs and hookups.
"Damn it!" Charlie cursed under his breath. Everyone knew he was either cursing his girlfriend for being disobedient or realizing he was being cheated on, but for the sake of that damned love, he softened a bit:
"Listen, you're going to the lab in Italy now. Remember where we skied together? Find me there, and I'll give you the antidote."
"Okay, I'll go buy the tickets right now!"
the woman agreed excitedly. Little did she know, her entire conversation with her boyfriend was being eavesdropped on by elite agents, who were clearly even more excited than she was.
"Did you hear that? They have a lab in Italy. Whiskey, Galahad, the plane's ready. I need you to leave immediately and steal a sample. We'll try to replicate it."
Uncle Champ happily issued the order. Whiskey replied "Yes, sir," and stood up with old Galahad, but Eggsy hesitated: "Mr. Champ, should we call Ron to come along?"
(End of Chapter)
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