Chapter 283: I Don't Want to Be a Father
"Are you sure you just slipped and fell onto the robotic arm?"
When Ron and the other two arrived at Howard's house, Howard was sitting on his bed covered by a blanket. A mechanical robotic arm protruded from underneath—the same NASA robotic arm that had been serving dinner earlier.
"Yes," Howard said, shifting uncomfortably before nodding.
"And you just happened to get caught in the robotic arm's grip mechanism?" Ron crossed his arms with a look of complete disbelief. "I seriously doubt that story. You even programmed specific movement patterns.
Man, I never want to eat anything this robotic arm handles again. The hygiene implications are disturbing."
"Please, just help me," Howard said, nearly in tears.
"I was going to suggest some kind of lubricant, but it looks like you've already got that covered," Leonard said dryly, drawing snickers from everyone.
Everyone except Howard: "That's not funny, Leonard!"
"Really? A robotic arm has you trapped in a compromising position and that's not amusing? If you don't believe me, post this on Reddit and ask for opinions. I guarantee this would hit the front page of r/TIFU and stay there for weeks."
Ron tugged gently on the robotic arm with a grin, causing Howard to yelp in pain before quickly stopping. "Tell me, how did you come up with such a creative form of entertainment?"
"Please! Ron, Leonard, Raj!" Howard pleaded. "I called you here to help, not to stand around making jokes. Find a way to get me out of this thing before my mom comes upstairs!"
"Alright, let me take a look."
Leonard started to lean toward the computer, and Howard shouted frantically: "Stop! Stop! Stop! Don't touch the computer!"
"Why not?"
"The system crashed."
"Then just reboot it. Problem solved," Ron said, reaching for the restart button.
"No! No!" Howard desperately blocked Ron's hand. "That would reload the default programming—the space station repair protocols. This thing thinks it's holding a screwdriver in zero gravity! If the program continues, it'll start rotating."
Howard made a twisting motion, and Ron visualized what that would mean for Howard's anatomy. A chill ran down his spine. If that happened, something would definitely get twisted off. This was no joke.
"Is this thing expensive? If it's not too costly, maybe we could just break it and I'll replace it." Ron drew his sidearm and proposed a more direct solution: violent disassembly.
"No! Absolutely not! This robotic arm took me months to design! It's incredibly precise, engineered to function in any space environment, and it cost nearly five million dollars just to manufacture."
That was a lot of technical details, but the last sentence was the important part.
While five million wasn't beyond Ron's means, it was completely unnecessary. There had to be a more economical solution, so Ron holstered his weapon and waited to see if the others had ideas.
"How about this?" Raj came up with a suggestion: "When Winnie the Pooh gets his head stuck in the honey tree, his friends pull him out!"
"Whatever works, but I'm not touching another man's honey tree," Ron said, eyeing the blanket with distaste.
After Howard rejected several suggestions in a row, his mother's voice suddenly echoed from outside the door: "Howard, I made chocolate chip cookies for you and your friends!"
"Thanks, Mom, but we're not hungry right now."
"I can bring them up to you, and I'll grab you some apple juice too!"
"No! Don't come up!" Howard yelled in panic.
"What? Are you embarrassed by your mother in front of your friends?" Mrs. Wolowitz's voice sounded hurt.
"That might be true, but that's not the issue right now." Howard again appealed to his friends for help: "Please, think of something!"
"Any bright ideas?" Ron looked at the other two.
"Nothing," Raj shrugged. "All I can think about right now are cookies and apple juice."
"Fine, there's only one option," Ron said, reluctantly taking charge. "I'll go distract Mrs. Wolowitz and keep her downstairs. You two figure out how to get him into my truck and we'll take him to the emergency room."
"Howard, you owe me big time for this!" Ron glared at Howard menacingly.
If it weren't for their friendship, and considering how hard Howard had been working on the exoskeleton project, Ron would never do this.
Perhaps because she'd been alone since her husband left, Howard's mother was exceptionally affectionate whenever she saw Ron, to a degree that almost made Ron uncomfortable.
Remembering the storyline between Howard's mother and Stuart from the original timeline, Ron had no doubt that with a simple gesture, Howard could suddenly start calling him "Dad."
"I don't want to be a father!" Especially not to gain a son as old as Howard overnight.
Ron swore his reluctance wasn't motivated by Mrs. Wolowitz's physical appearance, nor was it discrimination against overweight people.
The nearest hospital to Howard's house was less than six miles away—a five-minute drive.
Leonard, clutching his laptop, followed nervously behind Raj, who carefully supported Howard as they made their way forward. Their bizarre procession drew stares from everyone in the hospital.
Ron deliberately lagged behind to avoid embarrassment, lest anyone think he was associated with this trio.
"Don't pull so hard!" Howard screamed, probably because Raj accidentally moved too quickly.
"I'm not pulling anything. You can handle this yourself next time."
"Excuse me, can you help us?" Leonard desperately tried to signal Ron with his eyes. Ron could only reluctantly approach the reception desk and address the duty nurse.
"Oh my goodness, what happened here?" Even though the duty nurse was experienced, she'd never encountered a situation like this.
"I accidentally slipped..." Howard used his slip story again.
"What is this device?" The nurse lifted a corner of the blanket, and several patients nearby craned their necks to see.
Howard was so mortified he wanted to disappear into the floor: "It's a robotic arm."
"Where's the rest of the robot?"
"I only built the arm."
"Because the arm was sufficient for your purposes?" The nurse looked at him with knowing understanding.
(End of chapter)
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