Kai and Cuddlebottom rode side by side, or rather, they attempted to. Kai's white stallion galloped ahead with the elegance of a royal charger in a parade, while Cuddlebottom's black horse huffed, snorted, and stubbornly clopped along behind, like it had personal beef with speed.
The early morning fog clung low over the rolling grasslands, curling around their boots. A brisk wind whipped through their hair, carrying with it the faint, yet unmistakable, the aroma of something singed.
Kai sniffed the air dramatically. "Mmm. Smells like… soup. Or possibly an overcooked pigeon."
"Where to next, sire?" Cuddlebottom called, clutching the reins as his horse made a valiant, if lazy, attempt to keep pace. Perhaps it was vexing that he hadn't been successful in falling the heavy butler down.
"To the city of Sizzleport!" Kai announced, puffing out his chest. "The proud domain of my aunt; Chef Bina, Culinary Queen of Catastrophe! Also known in certain circles… as the Combat Chef."
Cuddlebottom's brow arched so sharply it could have sliced cheese. "Combat chef?"
"Yes," Kai replied with the solemn tone of a man recounting a war epic. "She once fed an entire battalion during one of the kingdom wars. Back in her prime, soldiers claimed her stew gives temporary strength buffs, and could also revive the dead—or at least make them wish they were."
"I seem to recall," Cuddlebottom said carefully, "she's the same woman who burned down a five-star restaurant with her fire magic because the soup was too sweet."
Kai's grin widened. "Exactly! But I think that's mainly because the owner of the restaurant is an enemy who's trying to infest the whole kingdom with worms."
Cuddlebottom exhaled the sigh of a man who had already mentally drafted his will. "Sire, with all due respect, I suspect this aunt may be… more dangerous than Delilah."
Kai's eyes twinkled dangerously. "Perfect. I've been craving danger, and possibly some delicious aunt-cooked meal."
——
Sizzleport, Noon.
The city of Sizzleport didn't just smell like food, it was food. Every gust of wind carried the aroma of grilled meats, fresh bread, and enough garlic to repel an army of vampires for three generations. The streets were narrow, lined with bustling food stalls, their owners shouting out dish names like they were battle cries.
On Kai's left, a pair of elderly women argued over the correct dumpling folding technique, waving steaming baskets at each other like weapons. On his right, a young man strolled past carrying a tower of skewers taller than himself, chewing on three at once.
"This place is insane," Kai muttered, trying to walk in a straight line but constantly distracted by sizzling woks, smoking grills, and the occasional whoosh of flambé gone wrong.
The air was thick with spice; so thick that when Kai took a deep breath, his eyes watered, and he sneezed his soul out… twice. Sir Cuddlebottom handed him a handkerchief without even looking up from inspecting a suspiciously shiny pie.
At the heart of the city loomed Bina's restaurant, named 'Spicy Bina restaurant'. The building looked less like a place of dining and more like a temple to culinary chaos, its giant sign depicting a winking chili pepper flexing an arm. From inside came the clatter of pots, the roar of flames, and applause.
A steak levitated in the air, suddenly caught fire and then exploded in the air.
The customers cheered like they'd just witnessed theater.
And there she was; Aunt Bina.
Standing on the kitchen counter like a conquering queen, she wielded a ladle in one hand and a bright red chili pepper in the other, as if both were equally capable of murder. Her scandalously tight chef's outfit looked like it had been designed by someone who couldn't decide between "battle armor" and "date night." Her apron read: My Kitchen, My Rules, My Thighs.
Her fiery red hair was tied in a bun, but rebellious strands kept falling into the bubbling pot before her, as if daring anyone to stop them. She was less 'chef' and more 'goddess of spice and chaos'.
Her gaze swept through the room, and then it landed on someone standing at the entrance.
"KAI, YOU GORGEOUS DUMPLING!" she bellowed, hopping down with the grace of a panther that had just finished a bottle of tequila.
"Auntie Bina!" Kai grinned, arms wide.
They met in the middle, and Bina crushed him in a hug so powerful that his ribs filed a formal complaint. His head was buried in her chest, which smelled faintly of cinnamon, smoke, and chilli pepper. He sneezed twelve times when she finally let go.
"Sorry about that. You'll get used to it." She winked, leading him into a private dining room lined with shelves of more exotic spices.
Meanwhile Cuddlebuttom stood outside as he watched the chaos of a restaurant he was in.
——
"So, what brings you to my restaurant of spice and calories?" she asked, leaning forward on the table with a grin that looks like trouble. "You here for something delicious?"
Kai planted one knee on the chair and posed like he was announcing war. "I'm here for your hand, Auntie. I'm here to wed you… so I can dodge my arranged marriage."
Bina blinked, then laughed so hard that a waiter peeked in to make sure she wasn't choking… like the previous times before. "You're serious?"
"Deadly," Kai said, launching into the whole speech about how the King was trying to marry him to the orc princess. He skipped the part about marrying all thirty aunts, just like during Delilah's time.
Bina tapped her chin. "So it's just until you gather enough allies to fight the orc kingdom?"
"Exactly. Father's too cowardly to challenge them, and I don't have the full authority to lead the kingdom's army yet. So, I need a distraction. A big one."
Bina considered for a long moment, before smirking. "I've always promised to help you, little dumpling. I'll accept… but on one condition."
Kai leaned forward eagerly. "Anything."
"You eat every meal I put in front of you. If you can finish at least half of them, you get your 'yes.'"
Kai puffed out his chest. "Eating is my superpower. Bring it on."
Her smirk widened like a chef who'd just been given an excuse to commit culinary war crimes. "You're so going to regret ever saying that."
At that moment, a cook burst through the door, soup dripping from his head like a tragic wig. "Master! They're fighting in front of the restaurant!"
Bina's eyes blazed. "Who dares break my golden rule! No fighting anywhere near my restaurant?!"
"It's the pirates!" another cook shouted from the doorway. "They're already making their way inside!"
The double doors to the main dining hall didn't just open, they exploded inward with such force that the hinges gave an audible creeeak of protest. A hot gust of sea-brined air swept in, carrying with it the stench of rum, unwashed boots, and very bad intentions.
Through the swirling haze of steam and smoke, a tide of pirates crashed into the room, grimy faces split into toothy, gold-studded grins, their cutlasses catching the light with a predatory gleam.
A few waved pistols like they were extensions of their own swagger, and at the rear, one particularly sinister fellow brandished a live lobster in each hand, their claws snapping like miniature guillotines. The lobsters looked like they'd been waiting their whole lives for this moment.
Then came the sound, a single, deliberate clang.
Bina emerged from the kitchen threshold like a battle-hardened general stepping onto a war-torn field. A smear of tomato sauce streaked across her cheek like blood in some ancient culinary duel.
The overhead kitchen lamps caught the edge of her ladle, the metal glinting with an almost holy sheen, as though it had been forged in the fires of a volcano by monks who only cooked with dragonbone utensils.
Her eyes scanned the intruders, calm yet loaded with unspoken threats. A silence settled for half a heartbeat, just long enough for everyone to sense that something spectacularly violent and delicious was about to happen.
Then Bina's voice cut through the room like a cleaver through butter.
"Alright, you bilge rats…" She twirled the ladle in her hand with the flourish of a swordsman. "WHO wants… the special?"