01. "The Prelude"
What happened to the girls that were chasing after me like bees on honey, what happened to the girls that I could easily get back to after disappearing, what happened to the girl that I brought home to my grandmother, what happened to the girl that promised an eternal love?
These are the questions I've gotta ask because it seems like everybody has been wiped off of my life and now I'm all alone in this cold world as if I've never had anybody. Things took a turn and never turned a better corner, I could've sworn that I was leading a good life, without drugs and alcohol, yet here I am, dealing with abandonment and loneliness.
What happened to the homie that used to pull up on me anytime, what happened to the girls that would text my phone for a good time, what happened to the girls that used to chase after my love like bees on honey, what happened to the girl that told me she'd be with me forever?
These are things I wonder about when I'm stuck in this damn room, with zero texts, zero missed calls, zero friends and zero girls. I thought the way out was somebody else, so I chased rebounds but it all led me back to where I started.
I could've sworn that I prayed for guidance when I was dealing with the new faces, I could've sworn that I prepared myself for a new chapter but here I am, dealing with loneliness and abandonment.
02. "PREGNANCY"
Sunday night, she told me she needs to talk to me, I grabbed a plate of food and just when I was about to take a first bite, she told me "I think I'm pregnant" and instantly, my heart dropped and stopped for a quick second.
Thinking how are we gonna break this to our parents, thinking how we could've went half on a baby but I can't tell because we make so much love, I was fearful and scared that I'm about to be a father, she was panicking, telling me her family is gonna kill her for this, I couldn't eat no more, I couldn't sleep or think for the rest of the night.
Monday morning, I told her to cancel her plans for the day and come straight here, she took a bath and rushed here, I went to the nearest store and bought the pregnancy test, nervously thinking about me having a baby with her, it wouldn't be a bad thing but also the timing is so off.
I made her a cup of coffee as soon as she stepped in, we took a seat and had a little talk about the test, she was too scared to take the test, telling me that her aunty already suspects that there's a baby inside her belly.
Thinking she's about to be the mother of my child, wondering what will we do if the test comes back positive, hoping it comes back with a negative because we both still young to be parents.
03. "NO TIME SOON"
It's been ten months since the breakup and it's been about four months ever since I last kissed her, I still think about her, I still force myself to not think about her, I still wake up missing her and I'm still trying to deal with the void that she left me with.
I realise that there's no timeline when it comes to love and heartbreaks, I really thought that my heart would simply let go and move along with my mind, body and soul but I was so wrong because here I am, ten months later, still trying to segregate myself from the past.
A lot has happened in the last 10 months, so many wrongs, faults and mishaps, I've done a lot trying to kill this feeling and live my life without the past lingering over me, sometimes I feel like I'm the only reason why this shit is happening to me because we were both in love but it seems like I'm the only fucked up by the end of that relationship, or maybe I was just too invested.
This could go on for another year or years, there's just no timeline when it comes to love and heartbreaks.
04. "DRUGS"
Last night that shit was running all through my veins all up to my brain, I couldn't stop, I know very well that my holy angels don't wanna be around me lately, too much of these drugs in my system and I can't stop.
I can't seem to wash away from all my demons, I'm stressing about the past too much, I can't even understand the present, one minute I'm living and then the next I'm running away from the present and everytime I try something, I end up giving up, so I depend on these drugs because they numb the pain, even though I end up sinning.
Sometimes I wanna live my life, get along with the circumstances of today and let go of what used to be but most of the time, I've got all of these shadows that can't seem to wash away from me.
My past demons are fighting against the light of the present.
My demons chase my spirit when I try to do right and when I try to move on with my life, my demons haunt me in my sleep, making me think that the best solution is going back to the past. My demons fight against my angels everytime I finish saying a prayer, so I can't seem to do right anymore, I keep fucking up my life over and over again.. damn.
05. "LIKE HER"
Maybe if I find her in somebody else, that would bring me some sense of healing, somebody that has a forehead and a pretty face like her, a girl with thick thighs and a beautiful ass like her, a girl that loves to cook and stay at home like her, a girl that talks and treats herself just like her, I want somebody exactly like her because she's still my definition of what a woman is.
06. "CLOSURE QUESTIONS"
The best I can do is to be honest with myself, even if it's about the stuff that I don't like to admit but the honest truth is I'm still going through the same shit I was going through few months ago, sometimes it makes me wanna lose my cool because how the fuck am I still going through this shit?
I laugh because I couldn't sworn that we were meant to be, by the way we met, how everything fell into place, the things she would do for me as her act of love
Tell me, was it just a teenage love?
Did I mess up something that was meant to be mine or she was just here for a moment?
Are we meant to be in each other's life or our chapter has come to it's end?
Is she doing wrong by leaving me or following God's will?
This ain't a lost and found, I'm still a lost until I'm found, I still daze out in moments, thinking about the good old times, about how good it used to be. The frustrating part is that the desire and the need has faded away but the memories and the feelings fail to fade away.
Tell me, if I had came to my senses earlier, call, text or make a voice message and tell her how deeply sorry I am for disregarding her emotions, for not being there when she needed me the night before,tell her how much I love and need her and how much I'm gonna do better from now on,stop her from leaving, would we still be in love and in a relationship?
I laugh because I could sworn that we were meant to be, I guess I was foolish.