"Oh my~ What's with that frightened look? Why don't you sit a little closer so we can have a proper conversation~?" said the lady of the house in a sweet, flirty tone.
Subaru, meanwhile, was no longer at the table. He had dragged his chair behind Emilia and was now using her as a very confused half-elf shield.
"Get the hell away from me," he muttered, visibly shaken.
"Now now~ There's no need to be rude," Roswaal replied with a gentle smile, tilting her head. "I only wanted to meet the heroic young man who saved my liege from certain doom."
'Nobody believes your Kenjaku-looking ass, Roswaal.' Subaru kept the thought to himself, eyes locked onto her like she was a final boss trying to fake an early-game NPC vibe.
She didn't sound like the Roswaal he remembered. Didn't act like him. And the worst part?
He had no idea what she was planning.
He's swimming blind now. Canon? Out the window.
Is she still going to try reviving Echidna? For what? She has no dick. What does she want—cuddles?
Do you think there's anyone insane enough to live for four hundred years, doing warcrimes after warcrimes, all for the promise of future cuddles?
…Yes. That person's name is Roswaal.
On second thought?
Anything is possible with that guy, or girl— FUCK!
That will take a while to get used to.
"Besideeeee," the creepy lady-girl-whatever spoke again with that same syrupy tone, "you can't eat Rem's cooking without a table~"
Sure enough, there were three sets of meals laid out. Two sat neatly in front of Emilia and Roswaal—the only two people actually seated like normal human beings. The third was placed on Emilia's other side, where Subaru used to be sitting... before he abandoned his chair to use the half-elf as cover from the elegant menace across the table.
Subaru, of course, couldn't care less. He reached over, grabbed his plate, and started eating straight from his hand—still crouched behind Emilia.
"What an impressive solution for such a problem," Roswaal praised, voice dripping with amusement. "But that's not the proper maaaaanners~"
"I know you're not talking to me about manners," Subaru shot back without missing a bite.
"Subaru? What's going on? You're being really rude right now," Emilia finally spoke up, turning slightly to glance at the boy using her as an improvised meat shield.
"What's going on is that this is not in the script," Subaru replied instantly, voice flat but eyes locked on the elegant horror across the table.
"...The script?"
"You remember when I said the world is a story?" She gave a slow nod, still confused.
"Well, in that story, Roswaal is a guy. Not... this. And even as a guy, he was weird. I'm not about to find out what this version is like."
"Oh my~ what very degrading wooooords," Roswaal sang sweetly, her smile stretching wider. "But... it doesn't feel bad at aaaall~" she added, hugging herself in a weird, almost giddy way—like she was squealing with delight over the insult.
"No! You are not doing that! Stop it!" Subaru snapped, pointing a shaky finger at her like she was a cursed object. "Every time you talk it feels like I'm one syllable away from becoming a cautionary tale!"
"I think you're just exaggerating," said a voice from Emilia's necklace as the crystal blinked to life.
With a small flash, a flying furball emerged—Puck, stretching in midair like this was all perfectly normal. "Roswaal's weird, sure, but she's not that bad."
"No, you don't understand," Subaru pointed an accusatory finger. "The guy Roswaal looked like he molested people for fun. I'm not sticking around to find out what the female version does for kicks!"
"Well, you kinda have to," Puck said with an infuriating shrug. "This is her mansion. Either deal with it or walk."
Subaru paused. That option was… tempting.
Arlam Village? Petra? Never heard of her. Irrelevant.
But then he thought of Beako.
"God damn it. Why does everyone important live here?" Subaru hissed through his teeth, every inch of his body screaming leave, while every thread of the plot screamed stay.
Roswaal, on the other hand, was just smiling. As long as Subaru stayed here, everything was going according to her plan. The terror in his eyes? That's just a bonus.
"In any caaaaase," Roswaal chimed, bringing the conversation back to its original track, "we still need to talk about your rewaaard. What would you like? Money? Land? Or perhaps... meeeeeee?" She said that last part in the most flattering yet serious voice—like she was actually offering herself as the prize.
"Noooo! Stop! Please, I can't take this anymore!" Subaru kept screaming in terror at every teasing word that left her mouth.
"I'll leave. I will actually leave, Roswaal. Beako and all of you be damned. I will walk out of this mansion if this keeps going," Subaru warned, dead serious.
He liked Emilia. He liked Beako. He even liked Rem.
But this?
This might be a dealbreaker.
He might actually just pack his bags and leave.
"A shame, I was just starting to have fun," Roswaal said, voice playful but eyes sharp. "But seriously though—what would you like? I can offer you anything you desiiiiiire... as long as you stay."
"Not really trying to play the innocent noble lady again, are you?" Subaru shot back.
"It wouldn't make sense to," she replied with a sweet smile. "Since you already know better."
Subaru sighed in frustration. Again. It seemed to be his default mood ever since he arrived in this world.
"Fine," he muttered. "You know the drill. I'll stay, play the butler or whatever, help Emilia become king, and you get what you want."
The noble lady's smile somehow grew even wider.
"But!" Subaru raised a finger. "I want magic lessons on top of the literature ones. I'm not fighting anyone else blind."
"Faaaair enough~ I hope we can have a long and fruitful relationship, Subaru-kun," Roswaal replied, still wearing that infuriating smile.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Stop squirming, Barusu."
"I can't help it! It's not every day I get this up close and personal with girls like you!"
After that horrendous lunch with the surprising lady of the house, Subaru now found himself standing in a closet, getting measured by two oni maids so they could tailor him a proper uniform.
"Mmm. Savor it. Might be the last time you'll ever be in this kind of situation," Ram commented lazily. She wasn't even helping—Rem was the one actually taking the measurements, while Ram just stood there, supervising for no reason other than to mess with him.
"Oh sure, I'm thrilled to be touched by someone with murderous intention," Subaru muttered. Seriously, he needed to stop saying stuff like this in front of people who might actually do it.
"Oh please. If we wanted you dead, you already would be," Ram said with a smirk.
"Don't I know it," Subaru sighed, only to get a sharp reprimand from Rem the moment he moved his shoulder and ruined the measurement.
"Please stay still, Subaru-kun."
"Yes, ma'am," he muttered, accepting his fate.
A few minutes later and she finished up his measurement
"His posture is bad, his shoulders are uneven, and he doesn't really fit any of our butler uniforms," Rem reported calmly after finishing her measurements.
"Ram sees. With these numbers, a butler uniform might really be out of the question," Ram said, eyeing Subaru thoughtfully. "But he could probably fit into one of the dresses."
Now it was Rem's turn to look at Subaru, eyes narrowing slightly like she was imagining it. "That's right. The old ones from Frederica might fit."
Subaru's eyes narrowed. "I don't know what you two are thinking, but I am not wearing a maid dress."
"But it would fit, don't you think? Everyone in this mansion wears a dress," Ram said smugly.
And... unfortunately, she had a point. Now that Roswaal was a woman, literally everyone here wore a dress.
He was the only guy in the entire mansion.
"Oh god, is this one of those harem plotlines? Am I going to be in the middle of a harem shenanigan?! Not that I hate it, but it's cringe as hell!" Subaru thought out loud and held his head in horror.
"Nee-Sama, Nee-Sama. He's speaking gibberish again."
"Rem Rem, Ram doesn't know what a harem is, but Ram is sure it's something perverted."
While Subaru lamented the fact that he was now the only boy in a mansion full of beautiful girls, completely unsupervised, the maids kept insulting him in stereo.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"That's the kitchen."
"This is where we keep the tools."
"This is the main bathroom."
"This is Roswaal-sama's office."
"Hiiiiii~"
"Moving on!"
"This is the library."
Several rooms later...
"And that's all the important places you need to memorize," Rem said, her tone as calm and polite as ever.
After being given a loose-fitting butler uniform, Subaru was promptly dragged around for a full tour of the mansion. A necessary evil, apparently, so he could learn where everything was.
"Did you get all that?" Rem asked.
"Not a chance," Subaru answered confidently—far too confidently for someone who retained absolutely none of it.
"All I know is that this is Beako's room," Subaru declared confidently, opening a random door.
Sure enough, the forbidden library was there—along with Beatrice and Puck cuddling on a floating cushion.
"How are you doing that?!" Beatrice yelled from across the room, eyes wide with surprise.
"Instinct," Subaru replied coolly, closing the door.
He immediately opened it again… and this time, it was just a regular room.
Rem just stood there, silently watching his theatrics.
"It's fine," she finally said. "You'll remember everything eventually. For now, let's just do the chores around the house."
"And that is…?"
"Preparing lunch."
"We just had breakfast!"
And just like that, Subaru's day as a butler began. It was a bit exhausting, especially for someone who'd never done this much physical activity back in his old world.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
In the kitchen
Subaru slashed at a potato with the knife, clearly attempting to peel it.
"You're not sharpening a stick, you're peeling a tattō," Ram commented dryly.
"The fact that you guys haven't even invented a peeler yet makes you unqualified to tell me shit," Subaru shot back, continuing his aggressive potato-slashing technique—bits of peel flying everywhere like confetti.
"Here." Rem took the mangled bits of potato from Subaru—and the knife too.
She placed the knife gently against a new potato, then rotated the potato with practiced ease.
"Oooooooh." Subaru watched like he was witnessing the invention of fire.
She handed the knife back, and he eagerly grabbed a fresh potato, mimicking her technique.
"This is so much easier! Thanks!" he said to the blue-haired maid. "You really are a good maid."
"Of course. Ram's sister is the best of all," said the pink-haired maid… while holding a potato that looked like it had lost a fight with a maniac.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Laundry
Subaru was now doing laundry by hand, his arms soaked to the elbow in soapy water. Next to him, Rem silently scrubbed away like it was the most natural thing in the world.
"You have washing boards but no washing machine? How hard is it to make things spin?" he complained, grumbling at the ancient tech level of the mansion. Again.
"If you can make it, Rem wouldn't mind using it later. Laundry is one of the most time-consuming chores of the day," she replied, focused on scrubbing a bedsheet like it had personally offended her.
"How many sheets does this mansion have anyway? Why are there so many of them?!"
"Less complaining, more washing, Barusu."
"Why don't you quit commanding and actually do something right?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lunch.
"Staff eats after the masters," Ram said, blocking Subaru just as he was about to take a seat at the table.
"I can assure you Roswaal's not going to say anything about me eating here," Subaru replied confidently. He knew Roswaal understood his value—probably too much.
"Maybe. But Ram will have something to say about it instead."
Subaru stared at her for a moment before sighing in defeat. Arguing with Ram was like arguing with gravity.
He quietly stepped aside and waited for his turn to eat lunch like a good little servant.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Cleaning the dishes.
"Rem Rem. Can I ask a question?" the newly hired butler said, sleeves rolled up and hands soaked in suds.
"Yes," Rem replied calmly, scrubbing a plate beside him.
"How many people live here?"
"Four. Six including the spirits. Seven with you."
"Right right. There are seven people who lived here..."
"So how the hell do we have this many dirty dishes?!" Subaru pointed at the towering pile of plates and glasses stacked beside the sink like some unholy porcelain monument.
"Two of them don't even eat!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sweeping the whole mansion
"How big is this mansion?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Mopping the whole mansion
"Again! How big is this mansion?!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Break time – Taking a bath
Subaru cautiously stepped into the massive bath. His eyes darted around the room, peeled for any sudden appearances from a certain clown-themed noblewoman.
Trust issues: unlocked.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Tending the garden
"This is chill. I like this. This is fun," Subaru hummed, gently clipping at the leaves.
Compared to the other chores, this was practically a vacation. Peaceful. Soothing.
...That is, until he took a step back and looked at the plants.
They looked slaughtered.
Fortunately, Rem was right behind him, salvaging what remained before it turned into a horticultural crime scene. Then Ram passed by, trimmed one branch, and somehow made it look like a post-dragon-attack disaster zone again.
Rem fixed them again though.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Break time until dinner.
"Fuaaaah. Finally, I can take a break," Subaru sighed dramatically, collapsing onto the grass with his arms and legs splayed out like a fallen starfish.
"You've worked hard today, Subaru," Emilia said with a gentle smile, sitting in a nearby gazebo as she sipped tea delicately from her cup. Rem stood beside her, having just served the tea.
Ram was there too. For some reason.
"Ehh... I don't know. Kinda feels pointless," Subaru muttered, staring up at the sky. "Rem seems more than enough to handle most of the chores."
"All of the chores," Ram corrected flatly.
"Right. All of the chores," Subaru repeated. "Honestly, she's like a super maid or something. I'm actually impressed."
"Is grass green, Barusu? Why are you saying something so obvious?" Ram rolled her eyes.
"Honestly? I'm not even sure if you call it green, considering you people call potatoes Tatoes," Subaru shot back, not missing a beat.
"And here we are again." Ram sighed with mock exhaustion. "For the last time, Barusu, it's called Tatoes. Your world is the one butchering up names."
"And I'm telling you for the last time too—my world is way older than yours. So I'm pretty sure we named it first."
"Oh, so we're doing this again?!"
They had been at it for a while now—insulting each other's worlds like two aliens arguing over whose planet had the better plumbing system.
Pointless? Absolutely.
But surprisingly fun. Not just for Subaru, but Ram too… though she'd rather bite her own tongue than admit that out loud.
"—Bold words for someone who came from a world without magic," Ram huffed, folding her arms like she'd already won.
"Oh? You wanna go that way? and what have you been doing with that magic? Huh? Al Goa? Really? Al Goa?"
"You have a problem with Al Goa?"
"Yes! What kind of cave-man-ass spell is that?!" Subaru flailed a hand toward the sky. "The entire arcane might of the universe in the palm of your hand and the best you can think of is 'Big Fire'? Prometheans.Ne-an-der-thals." He emphasized the last part. savoring every syllable like it was a personal attack.
"Okay, that's it! I'll show you how advanced our magic is!" Ram stood up from her seat, fists clenched and pride thoroughly wounded.
Subaru smirked without even lifting his head from the grass. "Oh, what are you gonna do? Fura?" he taunted. "SHARP WIND?! Oh yes, genius application of magic there ladies and gentlemen. Truly the pinnacle of arcane evolution."
"You really are itching to be turned into fertilizer, aren't you?"
"I'm just saying," Subaru replied with a shrug, still lying comfortably in the grass. "You've got a whole world of magic at your fingertips and the best you can do is 'ow, wind hurt'?"
Ram's eye twitched. A dangerous aura began radiating off of her.
Rem, who was still quietly pouring tea next to Emilia, subtly scooted the teapot away from the blast zone.
"The only magic that actually looks like magic is the one from the Yin branch," Subaru continued, lazily waving his hand in the air. "And I'm pretty sure Flugel invented half of it."
"Who the hell is Flugle?" Ram snapped, still fuming.
"A guy from my world," Subaru replied with zero hesitation. "Got isekai'd over four hundred years ago, and I would gladly bet my entire existence that he's the reason your civilization didn't collapse into magical caveman society."
Rem's hand froze mid-sip.
Emilia blinked. "Wait, are you saying–?"
"Yes," Subaru interrupted, his hand moving in the air while he was explaining. "I'm telling you right now, the only reason your ancestors didn't try to cook water with Al Goa is because some weirdo named Flugel showed up and said, 'You know what would be cool? Literacy.' he is the reason you are alive!"
"...You're insane," Ram muttered.
"And yet you haven't proved me wrong."
"If he was so smart, why didn't he stop the Witch of Envy from destroying half the world?" Rem asked, a little too passionately for an afternoon chat.
"He did! He is the Sage. The one who sealed the Witch of Envy — along with the Divine Dragon and the First Sword Saint."
"Impossible. The Sage's name was—"
"Shaula? Right?" Subaru cut Ram off before she could finish rejecting the truth. "Yeah, that's what people think who the sage was. But the truth is, he's dead. Probably. The one in that big-ass tower isn't the Sage. That's his apprentice — Shaula."
The girls were stunned by the massive info dump he just delivered—especially with how casually he acted, like it wasn't a big deal at all.
"How did you... know any of this?" Emilia asked, still trying to wrap her head around what he just said. "None of that was in any history book I've ever read."
"I told you. I've read the story. I'm basically a walking mountain of secret knowledge that nobody knows—except for a very select few." Subaru replied, completely unfazed.
"What do you know about the Witch Cult?" Rem suddenly asked, her tone sharp and serious—clearly holding onto that question ever since Subaru started spouting forbidden knowledge like it was casual trivia.
Subaru smiled, pleased. Finally, someone is asking the important stuff.
"Everything. What do you wanna know?"
"Where is their base?"
"No idea," he shrugged. "The story never mentioned that. Their whole thing is being secretive, y'know? I doubt the author would just write 'Oh, this is where they live, why don't you give them a knock?' That'd be some seriously lazy writing."
"What. Do you know. About them?" Rem asked again, slower this time. Her voice sharper, colder—like a blade just about to be drawn.
Subaru raised both hands, still casual but with a bit more caution now. "I can tell you their names, powers, appearances… the whole lineup of their top brass."
He paused, then added with a shrug, "Other than that, the story kinda holds everything back for the final arc. Which I haven't read yet."
"Talk." She said it like a command—not a request.
"Do you want it chronologically or alphabetically?"
"I said talk!" Yeah, she's definitely losing patience.
"Okay! Geez, calm down!" Subaru raised his hands defensively. "I'll just go by how strong they are, alright?"
Despite the casual act, there was a hint of fear in his voice. No matter how adorable Rem looked, he was fully aware she could probably rip his head off with her bare hands.
"Okay! So, the weakest ones—Gluttony. The Archbishop of Gluttony is pretty weak compared to the others. If you're physically stronger than them, and you're not dumb enough to give them your name, you're fine."
"Your name?" Emilia asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Yup. Their power lets them eat your name and memories. If they eat your memories, you'll forget who you are. If they eat your name, everyone else forgets who you are."
"What do you mean by 'everyone forgets who you are'?" Ram asked, skeptical.
"I mean exactly that. To everyone else, it's like you were never born. If they ate Rem's name, you'd genuinely believe—with your whole heart—that you never had a sister in the first place."
That explanation shook the sisters a bit—just imagining a power that vile made their skin crawl.
"And they're the weakest?" Emilia asked in disbelief.
"Yeah. Their power's nasty, but it's easy to counter. Just don't give them your real name. Or better yet, give a fake one—that'll mess them up and give you time to land a final blow," Subaru explained, casually waving off the terror he just described. The girls slowly nodded, filing the information away.
"You keep saying they. How many are there?" Rem asked, narrowing her eyes.
"I'm glad you asked. Three, technically. But one of them is chilling in the space between the real world and Od Laguna or something, so I don't think she matters right now."
He leaned back with a shrug.
"The other two look like boys around fifteen, both of them got sharp teeth. I could show you what they look like, but I'd need my phone for that… and it's in my room, which I'm not walking all the way back to just for a PowerPoint presentation." Subaru waved the idea off like it was beneath him. "Their names were Roy Alphard and Lye Batenkaitos."
Rem, upon hearing his explanation, looked like she was a second away from marching straight into his room to grab the phone herself.
But… she didn't.
"Next one. Tell me the others," Rem demanded again, her tone still more of a command than a request.
"Second weakest—Petelgeuse Romanee-Conti, Archbishop of Sloth," Subaru began. "His power gives him dozens of Unseen Hands—invisible shadow-like arms with crazy strength. Like, rip-a-tree-from-the-ground kind of strength. He's strong, but not unbeatable. That's why he's only the second weakest."
He leaned back slightly, lowering his voice just a little. "The most annoying part about him, though, is that he's a spirit. Every time he dies, he can jump into another body. It's not infinite, but you'd have to kill him a lot before he finally stays dead."
The girls listened closely, their expressions sharpening at the mention of Unseen Hands and body hopping.
"Next one. Sirius Romanee-Conti," Subaru continued. "Yeah, you can tell from the name—she's got some connection to Petelgeuse. Disgusting, I know."
"Her power lets her link herself—or other people—to everyone around her. Which means fighting her is basically suicide. She can just link herself to you, and if she dies, you die."
He paused and grimaced.
"Or worse… she can link you to someone nearby, then kill them to kill you. It's terrifying. Very strong, but again—not unbeatable."
"You keep saying not unbeatable. Is there anyone in their ranks actually unbeatable?" Ram asked, picking up on his phrasing. It was a fair question—and a concerning one.
Subaru let out a short chuckle, though it carried no humor.
"Oh yes. Believe it or not, there's someone in their ranks who can go toe-to-toe with the Sword Saint… and live."
"Ram would like to choose not to believe it," the pink-haired maid deadpanned.
Subaru chuckled again, a bit more amused this time. "Alright, now we're entering the realm of practically unbeatable—if you don't know their weakness."
But before he could elaborate, a hand gently went up.
"Yes, Emilia-tan?" he acknowledged, smiling.
"What were Petelgeuse and Sirius's weaknesses?" she asked, tilting her head slightly.
Subaru paused for a beat.
"The fact that they're complete lunatics. Next!" he answered without missing a beat, brushing it off like a teacher skipping to the next topic in a lecture.
"Capella Emerada Lugunica. Sin Archbishop of Lust," Subaru began, his tone dipping a little. "Her Authority lets her transform any biological creature into another biological creature. Or just... parts of them."
The silence that followed was uneasy.
"Technically," he continued, "the Sword Saint could still kill her. And so could a lot of others in theory. But the real issue is that her transformation ability basically lets her survive anything. You cut off her head? She grows a new one. You stab her heart? She turns it into something else."
He waved his hand like he was swatting away the thought. "The only way I can think of killing her is to just wipe her out completely. Like, area-of-effect magic big enough to vaporize her, or Sword Saint's 'boom boom' technique that just vaporizes people from existence."
Rem was quietly horrified. Emilia stared in horror. Ram, despite herself, was paying close attention.
"Also, as a bonus fact," Subaru added casually, "she's an awful, awful person. Like, irredeemably disgusting. So you won't feel bad about any of that."
Subaru's expression turned grim as he spoke, his usual light-hearted tone all but vanished.
"That was quite obvious. But still, elaborate," Ram pressed, arms crossed.
"Right," Subaru nodded. "So, she's the head of an assassin organization—that alone says she has plenty of blood on her hands. But what really makes her vile is how she uses her power."
He paused for a moment, almost regretting what he was about to say.
"Even her own underlings aren't safe. She punishes them in ways so grotesque I can't even make jokes about it. Like turning them into worms… and then stepping on them. Killing them slowly, painfully. Or turning them into massive, twitching blobs of nerve and flesh—living things that can't do anything but feel pain."
The garden grew quiet. Subaru's voice lowered.
"Sometimes she changes parts of their brains into those of animals. Like a dog. So for a while they are animals. And then she changes them back. And now they remember everything they did—as an animal."
He looked up at the three girls, dead serious. "Can you imagine that? Being unable to think like a person, acting on pure instinct… and then coming back and remembering it all? You can't imagine it. That's the thing. It's beyond human understanding. It's not just twisted. It's inhumane."
He let the silence hang for a beat.
"And that's how she treats her allies. Now just imagine what she does to her enemies."
The girls could only sit there, wide-eyed and horrified, the weight of Subaru's description sinking deep into their minds. The sheer cruelty, the madness—it was hard to believe anyone could be that evil.
Then Subaru, as if talking about the weather, waved his hand dismissively.
"Or so they said anyway."
The shift in tone was instant.
"What do you mean 'or so they said'?" Ram snapped, her voice sharp with frustration. "Is she doing those things or not?"
Subaru shrugged, utterly unfazed by her rising irritation. "Well, the story never actually showed her doing it. But it implied she did. You know— Passing conversation. Background menace. Just pure vibes. Most of it comes from theory and speculation. So yeah, nobody really knows for sure."
"...You're telling us all that like it's a divine prophecy and now it's just maybe?" Ram looked like she wanted to hit him with the tea pot..
"I mean, she probably did it. She's definitely the kind of person who would," Subaru reasoned, arms crossed like he was the local expert on morally bankrupt war criminals. "But everything I just told you? Yeah, the accuracy dropped by, like, fifty percent the second Roswaal decided to be a woman."
"...What?" Ram blinked, thrown off entirely.
"In the story, he's a man," Subaru emphasized, pointing at nothing in particular. "Now she's a woman. A woman in heels, flirting, and mentally breaking me before breakfast. So who knows what else changed? For all I know, Cappella could be a magical girl now."
The girls stared at him.
"I'm serious!" Subaru groaned. "This entire clown-themed conundrum has me questioning everything. Canon? What canon? I might as well throw the wiki out the window and start taking notes all over again."
Subaru threw his hands up like a frustrated theater kid missing his cue. "You don't get it! This whole thing was already insane, but now? Now I have to go through everything again! I expected a crazy clown wizard man—not a flirty noblewoman who looks like she stepped out of a Final Fantasy fan mod! I don't know what's canon anymore! Every event is a surprise party and I'm the idiot guest of honor!"
"Subaru," Rem interrupted, voice flat with just a tinge of sternness. "We are getting off-topic."
"Right, right." He took a deep breath, then nodded. "You asked who in the Witch Cult could actually go toe-to-toe with the Sword Saint. Capella can't, for the record—gross and powerful, yes. But beat Reinhard? Nah."
He held up two fingers. "There are two people who can. Let's start with the weaker one. Weaker not in the 'Reinhard wins' way, but more like… 'technically, you could kill him, Rem. If—and that's a big if—you know his weakness.'"
He let the name hang in the air like a dark cloud.
"Regulus Corneas. Sin Archbishop of Greed."
Rem's brow furrowed. Emilia leaned forward slightly, curious.
"His Authority lets him stop an object's time," Subaru explained. "That means freezing its progression—no aging, no decay, no movement… nothing. It becomes untouchable. Not because of some magic shield, but because reality literally won't let you interact with it anymore."
"Stopped… their time? Like, making them freeze mid-air?" Emilia asked carefully.
"Technically? Yeah. But worse. See, he can also move the object after freezing it. Which turns it into the ultimate paradox—an immovable object and an unstoppable force. He can do this to parts of the environment. He can do it to projectiles. He can do it to his own body."
Subaru leaned back, voice grim.
"That's why I said even the Sword Saint can't kill him. You can't hurt something that never changes. Cause and effect? Doesn't apply to him when he activates that power. So long as he's 'frozen,' he's invincible. No wounds, no aging, no breathing—nothing affects him."
He let the silence settle.
"That's Regulus. A guy who thinks being untouchable makes him righteous."
"Then how could Rem defeat that man? What is his weakness?" Rem asked.
"His wives!" Subaru said joyfully, which made the girls stare at him like he was either insane or incredibly stupid.
"..."
"No, I'm serious. His weakness is his wives. See, for all the invincibility he has, it's not perfect. Otherwise, the world would've been long gone by now."
He held up a finger. "He can't freeze the time of his heart for more than five seconds, or he'll die of a heart attack. Don't ask me why—divine limitations or whatever. Probably just a failsafe so he's not too broken."
"And to get around that?" Ram asked, eyes narrowing.
"He has another ability that lets him link his heart to someone else's. Specifically—his wives. That way, he can keep freezing himself as long as their hearts keep beating."
"Wives? How many wives does he need?" Emilia asked, noticing the plural
"One is enough," Subaru nodded. "But of course, he's the Sin Archbishop of Greed. The bastard has hundreds.... Of dead ones. The one that is still alive is about forty"
"Disgusting" Rem venomously spat.
"Ram is guessing none of those wives were there by choice?" she asked, her voice dry with disgust.
"Obviously. He just went around kidnapping women from all over the world. And there's nothing anyone can do about it. Not even the Sword Saint can kill him—unless he knows his weakness."
He pointed a finger at Rem, smirking.
"So, if you want to kill him, you have to stop his wives' hearts. The easiest way is killing them... but come on, you've got magic. You'll figure out another way."
Then he leaned back smugly. "Unless of course I'm right, and the best you can do is 'Big Fire.'"
Ram really wanted to show him just what kind of "Big Fire" she was capable of, but alas, she held her rage. Barely.
Not like she can use fire magic anyway.
"And lastly," Subaru continued, "the leader of the Witch Cult herself. The Witch of Vainglory—whose name I cannot say, because I'm pretty sure there's a curse tied to it or something. If you say her name, she can see you."
"Wait, Vainglory?" Emilia tilted her head. "Isn't it supposed to be the Witch of Envy?"
That title struck a chord in her—something deep and uncomfortable—but she couldn't quite put her finger on why.
"Nope. Envy is still sealed, so she can't really tell anyone to do anything now, can she?" Subaru explained, carefully avoiding the real truth—that even when she wasn't sealed, Satella was never the one giving the orders.
But that kind of blasphemy could get him killed, so he wisely kept that part to himself.
"That's why Vainglory is the one doing the commanding now."
He leaned back and continued, "Her power lets her change the cause of an event that already happened, and in doing so, changes the effect itself."
"...Why don't you talk like an actual human being instead of gibberish, Barusu?" Ram cut in, clearly annoyed and still not understanding a word of it.
Subaru, instead of explaining further, suddenly turned around on the grass and started rummaging for something.
"Here, catch!" he shouted, tossing a small rock at Rem.
She effortlessly caught it.
"Now, can you tell me the sequence of events that led to that rock ending up in your hand?" he asked.
Rem stared at the rock for a moment before answering.
"You picked up the rock from the grass. You threw it at Rem. Then Rem caught it."
"Correct!" Subaru grinned. "But now, let's say we change one of those events—say, I never picked up the rock in the first place. What would happen?"
"Then the rock would still be on the grass," she replied, her eyes widening as realization struck.
"Exactly! That's how her power works," Subaru said. "By changing the cause of an event that's already happened, she can change the effect itself."
"This power, at first glance, seems strong but not that much," Subaru began. "But then you start really thinking about it, and suddenly it hits you—wait a minute… how can anyone even attack her?"
He sat up, looking genuinely disturbed.
"She can make it so you never even left your house. She can make it so you never drew your sword. She can make it so your strike was aimed five centimeters to her right instead of directly at her. She can literally rewrite reality itself, making it so your attack never landed—making it impossible to kill her."
He shook his head, letting the weight of it settle on the girls.
"I've thought about it. Other people have tried to come up with theories. But honestly? I have no idea how to beat her. Nothing works. How do you kill someone who can just rewrite reality so that you never even went after her in the first place?
Like—imagine instead of turning right, you turned left and just kept walking forward. Now you're in Banan or some random town halfway across the kingdom instead of right in her face. How are you supposed to beat that?"
Subaru let out his frustration, leaving the girls to sink into deep thought about how they could ever defeat such an opponent.
Conclusion: They can't.
"This is... a lot to take in," Emilia said, her head aching from the sheer amount of information Subaru had just dropped on them.
"To think the Witch Cult was led by such a monster..." Ram muttered under her breath.
Rem stood still, eyes fixed on Subaru, her thoughts swirling with confusion and conflict. She'd always suspected him. His scent. His behavior. His offhanded comments and the way he jabbed at her—it all made sense if he were connected to the Witch Cult somehow.
But then why?
Why would a Witch Cultist tell her the weaknesses of their own leaders? Why hand over knowledge that could be used to destroy them?
Is this a trap?
Is he lying?
Is he trying to demoralize her by making her enemies seem undefeatable?
It didn't make sense.
None of it made sense.
And that's when a dangerous, impossible thought began to creep into her heart—quiet and slow, like a whisper in the dark:
What if... he's not a Witch Cultist at all?