34 May's Road
Castleford
LO6 1AR
Dear Lara,
I know it's been some time since my last letter, but was actually waiting for you to write back. It's been three weeks so it's likely you've decided not to. I understand, and a part of me even expected it, but I really was hoping to hear back from you.
I wanted to hear about the kids, if nothing else. How are they?
How are Aiden's studies going? I'm sure he's still doing exceptionally well, everything considered. Get ready, because his teachers will endlessly praise him, but you'll never tire of hearing it; I never did. In fact, it always made me so proud to know that others believe in my son, just like I do. I've always been proud of him. Aiden listens well and of course, he will listen to you, too.
I want to ask you a favour, Lara.
Denis and I have always dreamed that our son will become a surgeon. He studies so hard and does so well, that I've always felt it was inevitable. Please make sure to support him with this. Sometimes, you'll find he gets a little distracted with other things, like his hobbies, his friends, which is not bad, of course, but I always felt it was important to maintain a balance of everything in my son's life.
I miss him terribly.
I miss the way he'd hug me tight before he left for school, and how his smile and his laughter light up the room. I always think about how he'd surprise us by cooking for the family; my favourites were his lamb kebabs and turmeric rice, or the flatbreads he'd made when you all stayed over, brushed with butter and stuffed with cheese and potato. Oh, and all those cakes and pastries soaked in syrup, and covered in whipped cream and walnuts. I never have lavish meals like that anymore.
I didn't expect Aiden to learn how to cook so well. Maybe it will sound a little biased coming from his own mother, but what other young man in his generation, that we know of, studies as well as he does, listens to his elders, knows his way around the kitchen, and is loved by everyone he meets?
What a perfect boy. And he was so cute as a baby, with those pudgy arms and legs, always so well-behaved. His sister, on the other hand, well that munchkin has been a force of nature since the moment she was born.
I was in labour for two days just to give birth to something so small. Do you remember how delirious I was? I think I was happy for all but two seconds before I started crying. I was exhausted, scared, lonely. If there was one time in my life I wished Denis wasn't so busy, it would be back then. I really needed him. But at least I had you. My LaLa.
You made it so much easier. You reassured me whenever I thought there was something wrong with Cleo, or believed everyone was talking about me, judging me for being a bad mother. I did what I could to be there for them, but two young children back then felt like I was looking after a whole crowd. But you shouldered the responsibility with me, even though you also had Cam and Azra to look after. I think that's why my Aiden and Cleo cling to you so much.
But after that, Cleo grew up in a blink of an eye. She learned to walk in just 8 months, and I potty-trained her and weaned her off my milk without much of a hassle. She ate whatever I gave her and before I knew it, I had an independent lady walking about the house, bossing her brother and father about, but they loved her to bits and were more than happy to dance to her tunes.
My children completed me. They gave me purpose and happiness. I wanted to make sure they had everything I never did. I did my best, Lara, and you know I'd still do anything for my children.
It used to upset me whenever they told you things before they told me. It felt unfair when they refused to come home after staying over, or said they preferred your cooking over mine. They'd say, "But Auntie Lara lets us do this!", and, "Auntie Lara lets us do that!", and I would think, "I'm your mother. I've given you my whole life and this is what I get in return".
Remind you of anyone?
It is overwhelming just how much I hear Mum's voice in mine. But I definitely understand her better now that I'm a Mum, too. She knew how important it is to guide your children to their potential, and that's what she did for us, even though we couldn't see it at the time. I think we had Mum to rely on for answers, to know what was best for us, and ultimately, she was right about most things. But she did get things wrong, too, and as much as I can resent her for it, I think what's important is that Mum knew life was what you make it, and I lost a great part of myself when she died.
So, I'm really glad my children have you to rely on, Lara.
I know we have differing methods in raising our children. I always said that your kids could do with some order in their lives, while you believed that Aiden and Cleo needed more... spontaneity, is what you'd call it. Do you still think so? I'm more than happy for them to join their cousins in whatever fun activities you have planned for the week, but they shouldn't lose focus on their studies, either. If not for my sake, please do this for their father. Denis would always say that his children are going to become great people, that he'd retire once they both earned more than him. You can still help make one of these dreams come true.
Oh, I just remembered! Cleo's teeth! The dentist said she has a peculiar amount of baby teeth, and the last we talked, he mentioned an operation. It's scheduled for some time in July, so please don't forget. You need not worry about her; Cleo knows about the operation and even asked the dentist a few questions. My girl is so brave. She'll be a wonderful little role-model for baby Daphne, I just hope Azra doesn't get jealous!
I've nearly finished the third page of this letter and I realise now that I haven't even begun telling you about Denis, about everything that's happened. But perhaps this is a good start. Yes, I think so. I think it is safe to say that everything began with my children.
More than anything, Lara, I am a mother. I am defined by my children's happiness, by the way they live their lives and their achievements. I am also defined by their sadness and their failure. Everything I did was for them, and I'd do it again if it meant they could be happy. Aiden and Cleo deserve just as much as everyone else, if not more, but Denis never did agree with me.
He called me overbearing. He said I was too concerned about other people's opinion of our family, and that I compared our children too much to their peers at school. But the truth is, and this is the first of many, Lara, is that Denis refused to be present. He pointed his fingers at me, and used me as an excuse to neglect his duty as a father (perhaps he was influenced by your more lax approach to parenting). But I never abandoned our children. I never gave up. And I believe that is what cost me my marriage.
I think I must stop now. I find myself growing more and more emotional the more I write about this. But don't worry, I won't stop here. Give me some time. I'll write to you again.
I can only hope you'll write back.
Send my love to my Aiden and my Cleo. Let them write to me. I am still their mother.
I love them with everything I have.
Always your sister,
Ella.