"I will tell you about my story."
The trembling heart of the doctor focused on what she was about to say.
"I cannot stand among crowds or speak to them, because the illness inside me will never allow it. The name of this illness is "Agoraphobia". Doctor, you must have at least heard of it."
Hearing Rose's words, the expression on the doctor's face changed completely.
Rose continued.
"The first time I realized I had this illness was when I was fourteen. That day, I stood on a large stage, facing the entire student body of my school. I was expected to speak before everyone. Fear gripped me from within, yet I tried to raise my voice and begin."
" But no words came out. My whole body began to sweat uncontrollably. Suddenly, my vision blurred, and I collapsed right there on the stage."
" From that moment on, the fear never left me. Since then, I have never been able to stand before a crowd or step onto a stage to speak again. I spent years confined within my room. Deep down, I knew that if I continued living that way, I would eventually lose myself and descend into madness."
"It was my psychiatrist who suggested that I embark on this journey. He was the one who arranged everything and created the circumstances that made it possible for me to set out. But in the end, I failed to complete that journey. "
" What I did in the spirit world.,was strip away that single fear from within me."
That means, after my life, the most important thing is what I completed there. Just as Peter said, when tomorrow morning comes, my breath will completely stop."
Hearing Rose's words, the doctor's heart faltered. His hands began to tremble. Countless questions arose in his mind.
He was trying to bring his mind back to normal in order to ask that question.
("AGORAPHOBIA" is a term that comes from the Greek language. The word Agora means public places. The word Phobos means fear. Simply put, it is the fear of public places. But it does not end with just the fear of going outside. Agoraphobia is a complex anxiety disorder. When people with this illness go to crowded places or open spaces, they experience the fear of whether some danger will happen, or whether they will lose control. That fear becomes stronger. Over time, the patient, out of fear, avoids going outside, and in the end, lives only inside their own home. Many times, the patient will be "house bound.")
There are two types of symptoms: one is psychological symptoms, the other is physical symptoms.
Psychological Symptoms
1. Fear of going to crowded places or public events.
2. The feeling that, "I won't be able to escape from here."
3. The fear that a panic attack might occur.
4. The thought, "I might faint and fall, then everyone will look at me," which creates a sense of shame.
Physical symptoms : rapid heartbeat, shortness of breath, dizziness, and feeling unsteady on your feet.
There is not just one reason why Agoraphobia occurs. It can arise due to biological, psychological, or even social factors.
From a biological perspective, if family ancestors had Agoraphobia, it can be inherited.
As for psychological causes, childhood trauma is a clear example.
For social reasons, events such as divorce or the loss of a loved one can trigger this condition.
To confirm the diagnosis of this disorder, the condition must persist for at least six months, and it should interfere with the patient's daily life. Only then can it truly be identified as the illness.
Now, let us look at the methods of treatment. One such method is Psychoanalysis, a technique introduced by Sigmund Freud. During that era, Psychoanalysis was the most popular form of treatment across both Europe and America.
However, there were also those who believed the illness was caused by evil forces. Because of that belief, many turned to prayer, seeking divine intervention as a way to cure the disease.)
The doctor steadied his mind and brought himself back to a calm state.
"So, what you're telling me is that you had Agoraphobia?"
Rose gave no reply she only nodded her head.
"You still haven't told me clearly how you received the wound on your body. Does that mean it was some kind of terrifying creature that attacked you? If that's true, then how did you manage to escape from it?"
Hearing Dr. John's question, she sat in silence for a few moments, saying nothing.
" The story I told is a lie. But it was never to cheat any of you. I was afraid that if you all understood my situation, I would once again be left alone." she said helplessly to the doctor.
" Then what about the wounds found on your body..., and when I came near you, half of your hair was gone. Your hand too was in a completely burned condition. What does all that mean?"
"To tell you that, I would have to speak about another illness inside me.
It's not just AGORAPHOBIA that my body has given me.
I also have two disorders called 'TRICHOTILLOMANIA' and 'SELF-MUTILATION.'
(TRICHOTILLOMANIA is a condition where the patient has the habit of pulling out their own hair. That means in an hour itself they may pull out a large amount of hair.)
(SELF-MUTILATION disorder means the patient tortures their own body. That is, they inflict wounds all over their body themselves. It will not be in a small way. They will cut well with a blade. Sometimes they will burn with embers. People with such a condition inflict such deadly wounds on their bodies. SELF-MUTILATION has three types.
One is a condition where one knowingly inflicts wounds on oneself and after some time feels sad remembering it.
Two is when, at the time of inflicting wounds on the body, there is no memory at all, and after some time one realizes that it was oneself who caused the wounds.
Three is when, both while making the wounds and afterwards, one can never remember that it was oneself who did it.
Here, the one that Rose had was the second type.)
Because John was a doctor, he had a good understanding about the disease she spoke of.
He had seen such patients before.
"Then was it you yourself who made the wounds on your body?"
"Yes, Doctor. It was I myself who tortured my body. That day I had lost my balance. I could not sleep. My heartbeat increased, I began to feel suffocated. I suddenly ran out of the tent. I could not control myself. After a few moments my body began to sweat and tremble. By then all control had already slipped from my hands. I immediately took a burning ember from the fire that had been put out on the shore and burned my hands.Even then I did not stop. Suddenly I ran towards the forest. While running I stumbled on a vine and fell. Lying there I scratched my whole body with my nails. Not satisfied with that, I took a sharp stick lying nearby and wounded my whole body. Slowly my body began to hurt. I felt as though my death was near. Because of that I lay there and screamed loudly. As it did not reach the shore I slowly began to walk towards the shore. Then when you found me, I was in a state drenched in blood."
"I made up a story to hide this illness of mine from you. I needed some time for that. That is why at first I concealed this matter from you. And besides, you had already begun to suspect that the wolf-man had attacked me. In order not to lead you into such a misunderstanding, I had to tell you such a story. The building inside the forest and the bathroom attached to it were all just a story I invented. In reality, there is no such building at all inside the forest."
"On this island, the unbelievable events that took place made it so that my story didn't take long for all of you to believe. To be honest, I was afraid that if I told the truth, all of you would think I had gone mad. If I died without saying this, I would not have peace. Even though I knew death was certain, I chose to enter the dream world so that I could complete a human life. From the soul world, I removed my illness. However, I did not have much time in the real world. That is why I decided to live in the dream world. Even though there were terrors and hardships there as well, that illusory world was far more beautiful than my real life. There, I lived and died under the name Lucy. It was so beautiful."
She let out a sigh.
"Doctor, do you remember what you once told me? That the emotion of fear can drive a man insane. I have already fallen into that valley of fear."
"Didn't Peter tell me one thing?If, when I return from the dream world, the spirit world lets me go free, then I can live two human lives completely. That must never happen. Even a single life itself drives a man mad and makes him selfish. Then what if two lives are given?"
Dr. John did not know what reply he should give. She paused for a moment and then continued.
"Sometimes illusion is more beautiful than reality. The best example of that is my life itself. Before death, these are the things I wanted to tell you, Doctor. But your presence here is not going to change anything. When I die, I wish to be alone. That is my only desire."
The doctor found it difficult to believe her words. Slowly, he shifted his body and rose to leave. Just then, she called out from behind:
"Doctor, I am grateful for everything. I will always remain indebted to you. And one more thing you must tell all this to Peter. Without him, I would never have received such a life."
Having said this, she brought a smile to her face. Her eyes remained fixed upon the doctor's face. In the beginning, whenever she saw him, she would close her eyes. But at this final moment, it was the opposite. That smile weakened him. He wanted to say something, but no words came out. Suddenly, he stepped outside the tent.
The doctor walked toward the waves. Now, the thick snow outside no longer brought any numbness to his body. He stood staring into the infinite emptiness of the sea.
At last, unable to hold it back, tears overflowed from his eyes.
To be continued....