"How long did you leave me there on that bench and switched off?" asked the SBT-22 as he pointed down at the bench.
"It was five years, the pterodactyls used you to practice their bombing runs. Now, where is your ship nuggetbot?"
"It's not a ship Agent Big Ham, but a portable lavatory constructed from polyvinyl chloride and upgraded with an assortment of technologies such as…"
"Shut up nuggetbot," replied Big Ham in annoyance, "we aint got time, the great fudgening is upon us."
"The great fudgening?"
Big Ham pointed slowly to the sky and very slowly, extended his index finger towards the approaching asteroid.
The SBT-22 gazed up at the celestial menace. His multi-optical system activated his telescopic lenses and his spectroscopic systems. He zoomed in on the asteroid and processed the data from his observations.
"Well, it is certainly a very big fellow at 12,500 metres in diameter and weighing 460 trillion tonnes. It is a carbonaceous chondrite consisting of carbon, water and organic compounds. It also contains several hundred metric tonnes of iridium. It is travelling at 25 kilometres per second and will soon strike the Earth, imminently actually, unleashing explosive energy equivalent to 100 million tonnes of TNT. Mm," pondered the SBT-22, crossing his left hand across his chest and resting his jaw in his right hand, signifying deep introspection, "I deduce that this is the asteroid that will wipe out the dinosaurs."
"No crap nuggetbot," replied Big Ham, "now where the fudge is this ship of yours?"
"Correction Agent Big Ham, as I previously stated, it is not a ship but a…"
"A crapper that can travel through time and space, got it."
"Correct."
Big Ham stepped towards the SBT-22, the sheer bulk and height of the man dwarfed the android, "And just where the fudge is it nuggetbot?"
A minute later they were racing towards the exit of the compound.
"Wait," said Big Ham. He turned the dial on his fancy, high tech wrist watch. It emitted a blue beam that Big Ham panned 360 degrees across his compound.
"What are doing Agent Big Ham?"
"Saving my pets," he replied and once satisfied that he had detected all of his snakes, lizards, crocodilians and dinosaurs, he firmly pressed the screen of his phone.
The compound lit up with flashes of pink and purple light. The SBT-22 panned his head in curiosity before positing his deduction, "Oh I see, you are teleporting them to a dimensional statis chamber quantum entangled to your watch."
"Correct," Big Ham replied, satisfied that he had all of them, "I'm not leaving any of my darlings behind to be vapourised by the great fudgening."
It was at this time that the rocket in the middle of the compound blasted off from the launchpad, making a steady descent into the sky. From a porthole along the side, Big Ham's wife peered worryingly and angrily down at Big Ham.
"I say Agent Big Ham, just who exactly is that pretty lady peering through the porthole of that rapidly ascending rocket ship?"
"Meh, no one overly important, just my wife."
"She isn't coming with us or at the very least, teleported safely into the dimensional statis chamber entangled to your wrist watch?"
"Nope," Big Ham replied, "she's an illegal alien that I had to smuggle through Earth's customs in a duffle bag, so I'm not letting what's left of the Protectorate know anything about her … and neither will you nuggetbot," Big Ham warned, "And as for my watch, there's not enough room for her on account of Matilda, my brachiosaurus."
"I must say Agent Big Ham," queried the SBT-22, "you don't seem to be very phased about the almost complete destruction of the Primordial Earth Protectorate."
"You told me five years ago," replied Big Ham, "I've had plenty of time to get over it."
"Yes but, you were quite indifferent and unemotional when I initially told you."
Big Ham leaned in, his face gripped in a serious and stern expression, "You do three minutes at 30 years in a temporal jail cell listening to Backstreet Boys nuggetbot and see if you don't blow a fuse."
"Fair enough," smiled the SBT-22, he looked back up to the rocket and it continued to ascend, "so; where is she going?"
"Oh, she'll just hang up there in orbit for a little bit. Until it's safe for the rocket to return to Earth."
"But that could take decades."
"Yeah, all good."
"But what will she do for all of that time?"
"Dunno," said Big Ham as he looked up, smiled assuredly and waived at his departing wife, "if she gets bored, I guess she'll undergo mitosis or something and make a copy of herself to talk too."
"And what will they eat?" asked the SBT-22.
"Well," pondered Big Ham, "meh, they'll sort it out," he remarked quite casually, "the stronger one will probably eat the weaker one."
"Well, if we were hedging bets," said the SBT-22, "my money would be on that one looking through the portal."
"Yeah, and why's that?" asked Big Ham as he continued to look up at his wife and smile as the rocket ascended into the clouds, leaving a plume or smoke in its wake.
"Because she appeared quite angry with you."
"Mm," pondered Big Ham before he chuckled, "yeah, but she'll get over it."
The asteroid disappeared over the horizon proceeded by a flash of light. The SBT-22 froze for a second, an expression of concern on the android's face, "My seismic sensors have detected the initial shockwave of the asteroid slamming into the Earth's atmosphere," five seconds went by, "it has impacted with the surface of the Earth at what will be eventually known as the Yucatán Peninsula in Mexico."
"Awe fudge," remarked Big Ham.
The SBT-22 continued, "As we are 1003.57 kilometres from the impact, it will take 3 minutes and 32 seconds for the shockwave to reach us."
"And what the fudge will that be like?"
"Like being in a category 5 hurricane Agent Big Ham."
"Mm."
"The seismic waves will reach us in 9 minutes and 59 seconds."
"I guess that will shake up and demolish everything?"
"Indeed, Agent Big Ham."
"And then what?"
"Thermal radiation will ignite the jungles, rendering this beautiful landscape into a raging inferno."
"Mm."
"And then given our relatively close proximity to the coast, the tsunamis will drown everything in approximately 27 minutes."
"Mm," Big Ham looked down at his knees, they were in bad form, "and just how long will it take us to walk to your time traveling crapper?"
"I can move much faster but for you, about 27 minutes," replied the SBT-22 in a cheerful manner.
"Mm."
Seven minutes later the SBT-22 was racing with great effort up the hill towards the purple port-a-loo. Like a ginormous toddler, Big Ham sat on the android's shoulders.
"Hurry up nuggetbot!" roared Big Ham, "the seismic shockwaves were bad enough, I certainly don't want to be here when the heat blast and tsunamis hit."
"I am pushing my structural load and parameters of my electric motors beyond their recommended factory manufacturer's limits," replied the SBT-22, "In other words, I'm going as fast as I can Agent Big Ham," red warnings filled the SBT-22's visuals.
They reached the purple port-a-loo just in time; however, the purple port-a-loo was enveloped in vines. Big Ham helped the SBT-22 to remove them. The ground began to rumble with the initial tremors from the rapidly approaching seismic shockwaves. The SBT-22 opened the PVC door…
"Thanks," said Big Ham, pushing the SBT-22 aside as he squeezed with great effort into the port-a-loo and closed the door … leaving the android outside.
A few seconds past before Big Ham opened the door, "How do I turn this thing on nuggetbot?"
"Allow me," said the SBT-22, he reached in and pressed the flush button on the back panel.
The back panel dematerialised, leaving a dimensional doorway to a much larger space, a control chamber. An octagonal control panel rested in the centre. Big Ham turned and walk through, followed by the SBT-22 who closed the external door to the port-a-loo behind him. Outside the ground heaved and rolled, tossing and tumbling the port-a-loo. Fortunately, due to the fact that the control chamber was located in another dimension, the effects of this were not felt by Big Ham and the SBT-22.
Big Ham and the SBT-22 walked around the chamber. Both looked at the strange plates lining the walls and the octagonal control console in the centre of the chamber. It was lined with switches, control panels and levers. A long rectangular tube of crystal rose up and down from the middle of the console. The lights flickered momentarily as a whirring and whomping sound filled the control chamber.
"What is happening nuggetbot?" asked Big Ham.
"The port-a-loo's autopilot is initiating a jump through time and space Agent Big Ham."
Big Ham turned sternly to stare at the android, "and exactly where and when, nuggetbot?"
"Brisbane, Queensland Australia, at some point in the early 2000's Agent Big Ham."
"Why?" asked Big Ham with a gravely annoyed tone.
"We ah," the SBT-22 hesitated for a moment, "well, I am not supposed to say."
Meanwhile outside, as the jungle caught fire and the hills toppled into rubble, the port-a-loo dematerialised in a flash of pink and purple light.
"My mission has three objectives, objective one was to retrieve you Agent Big Ham and my third objective is to bring you to the makeshift headquarters for the Earth Protectorate's HQ."
"And the second mission objective nuggetbot?"
"I don't think it is good idea to tell you."
"What is it nuggetbot?" Big Ham stomped towards the android, "droids can't lie, it's literally hard wired into every commercially available unit in existence … tell me now nuggetbot!" he poked the SBT-22 several times, forcing the android to take a few steps back, "tell me now or I will figure out how to pilot this pimped out crapper, and then travel to a basketball court so I can shoot hoops with your head."
"Very well," said the SBT-22, "but you're not going to like it."
"Fudge shooting hoops nuggetbot, I'm going to slam dunk your head if you don't get on with it and tell me."
"Okay then," said the SBT-22 cheerfully, "objective 2…"
"Yes?" snarled Big Ham, predicting exactly what the SBT-22 was about to say.
"Is to travel to Brisbane, Queensland, Australia in the early 2000's…"
"You said that already nuggetbot."
"And retrieve Agent Himbo…"
"What?" Big Ham roared, "I knew it. You see, that's how the fudging pan cosmos works. Not that complete and total boofhead."
"Oh, I see," said the SBT-22 in a calm and pleasant manner, "I was told that you would find this news difficult."
"Difficult? Difficult!" roared Big Ham, "he's not even a real person … just some fudged up Frankenstein slapped together by you…" he pointed a stern finger at the SBT-22, "and that other big hairy fudge knuckle, Bigfoot."