Idon't hate
I have a strong personality that sometimes may come off as mean and harsh when that's not really my intention.
But I don't hate, I've never hated anyone.
I didn't hate my mother who left without saying goodbye, I didn't hate my father when he didn't turn back no matter how much I called nor my brothers who suddenly started to hate me and never gave me an explanation. I don't even hate Allara as surprising as that may be, I envy her and the way she can freely attract people without trying and just win their love effortlessly, but I don't hate her, my wrongs are not her fault but my own, I'm the one who's lacking.
So how could I hate Orpheon, he was just a boy when we got engaged, he didn't want it so it's normal for him to end it in every route.
But there's this voice in my head, this tiny voice that says that I also was a child, I was just a little girl when everything went downhill. I didn't ask for our engagement but I was happy with it, I never even thought about its termination before because no one would accept my opinion. No one would care to listen to me I know it, while he can break it easily I...can't.
I'm an unloved woman, unwanted in her own house who would even listen to the spoiled young lady that wants to break her engagement because her fiance dislikes her, because she had a stupid dream.
No one.
I don't...I don't hate Orpheon even though he may kill me, I drove him to do it in his route, I poisoned the love of his life and was executed by it.
That's normal, I was in the wrong.
But I hoped we could have been better, we could have been friends, I would've supported him and his relationship I know I would.
But apparently I didn't, so before everything backfires and this world follows the words of the novel I'll let go of this pending relationship, this suffocating thing that locks him to me.
I'll let him go.
I sit down while he just sips on a cup of tea that the servants brought, there's also cookies, biscuits and little cakes for us to enjoy, so much sweetness for a bitter encounter.
He doesn't respond to my speech from earlier, he just stares at me with those beautiful eyes.
So I become a little impulsive and start saying things without thinking about them properly.
"Orpheon, do you think you would be happy in a loveless marriage?" I look down at my hands, tangled with one another above my dress, they're restless showing my nervousness with my slip of the tongue.
He looks a bit surprised and lowers his teacup, puts his elbows in the table and rests his chin in his hands contemplating— or not my answer.
"I would." He simply responds going back to his cup of tea "So many nobles marry without love and yet I see them live quite contently."
"But that's only because they have their mistresses." I respond again, hating myself for not being able to control the words that come out of my mouth. My fingers are fidgeting with one another and I lower my gaze even further.
I should be better, more composed, not this shell of a lady. I can't go around saying whatever I want, nobles aren't all the same and I should know better than to generalize.
But my head stays lowered and my fingers don't stop.
"Kaelira I would never do that to you." He is firm with his words looking at me intensely, he seems so serious, his eyes don't even blink when he looks at me trying to reassure me, I think, and that takes me by surprise, I even sway my head backwards from the intensity I lifted it.
He's looking at me like he's really seeing me and that makes me want to cry.
Because....because it's been a while, I'm not weak, I am strong and I can deal with my emotions but sometimes I crack, it's my first life after all. I'm still learning how to shut it down.
A lady shuts it down.
A lady doesn't say reckless things and a lady surely doesn't cry like a baby because someone gave her a little attention.
I can do better.
"That's not what I was thinking duke. I know you're a gentleman." I laugh quietly raising my hand to my mouth hiding my smile in a subtle way while my eyes close, just to calm the tears.
"But..." I continue even though I shouldn't "Would you be happy in a marriage with a person you dislike." He raises his eyebrow and crosses his arms in a questioning way, knowing where I'm going with this "What if you fell in love with someone, truly fell deeply in love. Would you be happy away from your love just because of an obligation."
"I wouldn't" he knows his answer well " But I wouldn't cheat, I would make what I could to give a good life to my wife, I wouldn't let her waste her life when I'm in love with another. I would let her go, that's the logical thing to do." He then crosses his leg and lays his shoulders back seeming more comfortable. " Only bastards hold two women in their hands and never make any of them truly happy."
He's true to his answer, Orpheon is a kind man who loves deeply even after everything he went through, people didn't make love sound like a beautiful thing to him but he would turn into a man who would cross the world for his beloved.
"Then would you break our engagement?" That hits him like a bullet, he makes an incredulous face and I laugh awkwardly.
"I know marriage isn't based on love, I know in the world we live in as servants of the empire we have a mission to unite forces and bring peace to the people and maintain the social status of the noble faction. But have you ever thought about breaking our engagement off?"
I hesitate a little but I've come this far better see it to the end.
"I have." He's honest, he looks at me puzzled, he knows I know the answer to my question. "But I have a duty, a responsibility towards this empire, the union of our houses would maintain a strong balance against our enemies. The power of your house is feared a strong addition to house Ravenvond. It may have started as a joke to our parents but now it is something that I must fulfill."
— or not, I think to myself
I know all of this sounds like crafted words but the truth is that he might have said it to himself everyday in the mirror to accept the prison that he is locked in.
The prison that is our engagement.
Orpheon might not say it but he longs for love just like I do.
He would never admit it out loud, but the things he went through made him want to prove that he could find love for himself.
And he deserves it, I know he does.
"It's a duty but also a chain, you don't like me and I understand why. I am prepared to accept it if you ever choose to end it." I want to reassure him, reassure him that it's fine I won't throw a tantrum like I did when I was young, at the time he had told me when he grew up he liked to end our engagement and I cried a river and went to the adults screaming that I didn't want to.
"I don't want you to live suffocated, I wouldn't desire it on anyone. I might as come off as an unruly lady, someone who does whatever she wants and would never accept parting ways but everyone grows. I support whatever decision you want to make." I smile, a true smile.
And he looks at me with the same surprised look as before.
It's quite a rare occurrence that he shows emotions so freely.
I must have really surprised him.
"Lady have I offended you in any way? You seem quite strange today." He goes back to being a stoic man who doesn't let what he's thinking show.
"I had a strange dream today, maybe it made me rethink my life and see that I haven't been the best fiancee for you." I laugh again trying to lighten the mood, it's better to not rush things.
I'll let the idea marinate, show him that I won't oppose the termination of our engagement. Maybe he will start moving differently, maybe he will enlighten the idea and put her in motion.
He sighs and makes eye contact, he always does, he looks you straight in the eye not allowing you to run away.
"Lady Kaelira you shouldn't worry about pointless dreams, there is no need to worry yourself with our engagement. We are fine like this"
But we are not Orpheon.
He changes his demeanor in an instant, like a switch.
Maybe referring that my worries came from strange dreams wasn't the best choice of words.
Now he thinks I just bothered him again with my silly things like I always do. But this time I was being true, I need him to understand that.
But then he stands up, looking like this isn't news to me, like he wasted his time again because of a spoiled lady who has nothing else to do.
But this time I need him to see that it's not that.
He doesn't even look disappointed, just used to it.
"My Lady unfortunately I'll have to leave early, I still have matters to take care of in the capital before I head back north." He starts to walk away not sparing me a glance.
No, I need him to understand, I need him to see that it's okay to let go, that I don't mind.
We'll just see each other again next month and that's time that I lose, precious time.
I stand up in a hurry and start running towards him. I end up grabbing the hem of his shirt and pushing it slightly making him look at me.
"I'm being serious duke, listen to me for once." I beg.
"How could I listen to a person who lies, your ankle seems perfectly fine to me lady, after all the little run you just made didn't bother you one bit." He turns again and starts walking at a steady pace and my hold loosens " Next time think that the time you make me wait is the time I could be heading back to the north to save lives." He doesn't look back, just goes away.
My hand is still in the air, still hanging to nothing.
And I'm here ,always behind someone's back, always calling someone who doesn't hear.
I know I did wrong, I know I was being petty but for once I wanted someone to understand that it wasn't with any malicious meaning I just wanted to express myself even if it was like that.
I wanted him to know that it's not fun to wait for someone patiently like it's not fun to see him go away every time.
My hand falls and so does my head. I'm frustrated and I'm sad and I really really want a hug.
So I do, I hug myself and stay like that for a while looking at the floor.
Just me, it's always just me.