Chapter 4: The One with the Fake Sonogram
The panic in Ross's mind had reached a fever pitch. He was a man of science, a man of logic, and his parents, especially his mother, demanded a rational explanation for everything. How was he supposed to tell them that his lesbian ex-wife was pregnant with his baby? He was a walking paradox. He couldn't just blurt it out. It would be a disaster, a scientific anomaly that his parents would find a way to blame on his love for dinosaurs.
He was pacing in Monica's living room, a nervous wreck. "I can't tell them," he moaned, "I can't. Mom will have a heart attack. Dad will just stare at me with that look, that 'I'm so disappointed in you' look. I need a plan. I need a distraction. I need... something."
Adam, lounging on the couch, felt the familiar hum of the System in his mind. Ross was a classic sitcom character in crisis, and Adam was the deus ex machina. He could help, and he could use the opportunity to increase his "desirability as a long-term partner." It was a win-win.
He closed his eyes and sent a mental query. System, I need to help a friend with an emotional problem to make him a more desirable dating candidate. Specifically, I need to help Ross tell his parents about his ex-wife's pregnancy without them having a meltdown.
[System request received. Request framed as 'Assisting a friend to improve their emotional stability and family relationships, a key trait for a partner.' Request accepted. Generating 'Plausible Lie Protocol.']
The holographic interface in Adam's mind flickered to life, showing a detailed, step-by-step guide to creating a believable lie. It included a fictional backstory, a fake sonogram image, and a list of key phrases to use. Adam memorized the plan and opened his eyes, a serene look on his face.
"Ross," he said calmly, "I have an idea."
Ross stopped pacing. "What? What is it? Do you have a time machine? Did you discover a new species of anxiety-eating dinosaur?"
"Better," Adam said, "We're going to create a fake sonogram."
Monica, who had been listening from the kitchen, slammed a cutting board on the counter. "What?! Adam, no! That's insane! That's a horrible, horrible lie! We can't do that!"
Adam ignored her. He was on a mission. "It's not a lie, Monica. It's a... narrative adjustment. We're softening the blow. We'll tell them Ross already knows the gender, that he's happy, and that he has a plan."
He walked over to Ross and put a hand on his shoulder. "We'll tell them I have a friend who's a doctor, a 'sitcom doctor' as I call him, who gave us a preview. We'll say it's a boy. And we'll name him 'Ben'."
Ross's eyes were wide, a mix of fear and desperate hope. "Ben? But what if... what if it's a girl? What if they want to see the real sonogram? What if they ask for my doctor's number?"
"Relax," Adam said, pulling out a printed-out piece of paper from his pocket that the System had generated. It was a perfectly plausible, slightly blurry sonogram image with "Baby Geller, 12 weeks" scrawled on it. "We'll say the doctor is... on a sabbatical. In a place with no phones. Like a cave. And we'll say he's an expert in dinosaur fossils, so he knows a thing or two about ancient things."
Monica's face was a study in horror. "This is a new level of pathological lying, Adam. Even for you."
Adam just grinned. "It's for the greater good, Monica. It's for the sake of the sitcom. Every good sitcom has a ridiculous, convoluted lie that spins out of control. This is just the pilot episode. Wait until we get to the finale."
Later that evening, when Ross nervously presented the fake sonogram to his parents, their reaction was a mix of confusion and relief. They were still critical, but the focus had shifted. "A boy?" Mrs. Geller said, squinting at the blurry image. "But the Geller genes are so strong, I was sure it would be a girl. And 'Ben'? What kind of name is that?"
But the point was, they weren't having a heart attack. They weren't disappointed. They were just... Gellers. And Ross, for the first time in days, felt a sense of relief. He had survived the first big crisis of his new life, all thanks to Adam and his ridiculous, convoluted plan.