I died as I lived-broke, alone, and wet.
Not in the fun way.
The rain was relentless. The kind of rain that felt personal, like the universe had specifically scheduled a
thunderstorm just to remind me I was garbage. I sat hunched on a cold sidewalk, a paper coffee cup in front of
me-my proudest possession. It held exactly one coin. Probably Canadian.
Some guy tossed in a button earlier. A button. Who even carries those?
People passed. Some gave pity glances. One guy gave me a pamphlet for a "pyramid-shaped business
opportunity." I ate it. It tasted like disappointment and toner ink.
You might be wondering: "What brought you to this point?"
Me too.
Let's just say life and I had a very complicated relationship. I wanted to survive; life wanted me to die in
increasingly embarrassing ways. We settled on "death by tragic backstory."
Anyway, at some point, I realized something.
I wasn't even sad anymore. Just... done.No teary montage. No anime flashback. Just me, standing on the edge of a bridge in soggy socks, wondering if
ghosts had to pay rent.
"Let's see if the afterlife has central heating."
And I jumped.
No music. No angels. Just a thud, darkness-
-and a glowing white void.
I blinked. "Huh. This doesn't feel like hell. Or heaven. Or, like, literally anything."
Floating ahead of me was a gigantic, shining gate the size of a small country. Guarding it was what could only
be described as an elf goddess with supermodel legs, judgmental eyes, and the fashion sense of someone who
buys their robes in 'Heaven's Limited.'
She looked at me like I was a bug on the windshield of eternity.
"You do not belong here," she said, voice echoing like she swallowed a cathedral.
"Okay, fair," I said, brushing off my shirt. "But in my defense, I was aiming for reincarnation. Y'know, a fresh
start. Magical world. Overpowered abilities. Maybe a harem. I did the research."
Her golden eyes narrowed."You took your own life," she said coldly. "As per the Divine Accord, self-termination voids all rights to
reincarnation."
"Wait-what?! I get punished for skipping the tutorial?"
She folded her arms. "You were given a life and you chose to discard it."
"It wasn't much of a life! I didn't even get DLC!"
She rolled her eyes and turned away. "Be gone, mortal. Your soul will be cast into the Nether."
"Hold on! Maybe there's a side quest or appeal form or-whoa!"
I slipped.
I don't even know how you slip in a void, but I did. And as I reached out to catch myself...
Riiiiiip.
Her divine robe tore.
Everything froze.
My hand was holding fabric.
My eyes met hers.Her expression was the exact moment before a volcano erupts and kills everyone within a thousand miles.
"PERVERT!"
"I-I-I CAN EXPLAIN-"
She didn't even respond. Just raised her foot and launched me with the fury of a goddess who did not skip leg
day.
The next thing I knew, I was falling through realms. Screaming. Spinning. Cursed in at least nine different
ancient dialects by accident.
And then-splat.
Face-first in a swamp that smelled like dead demons and disappointment.
"Ugh... where the hell am I?"
A low growl echoed behind me.
I turned around slowly.
A giant, two-headed lizard-beast with fourteen glowing eyes and way too many teeth was glaring at me like I
just insulted its mother."Oh. Right. The Nether."
And that's how my new life started.
With mud in my mouth, death on my heels, and zero plot armor.