The glowing tunnel spat Shen Yuan and Zap-Chan out with all the grace of a broken teleportation array. They landed on solid earth under a bleak afternoon sky, the scent of pine and burnt tofu hanging in the air.
Shen Yuan groaned and sat up. Zap-Chan landed next to him and immediately pecked his foot in protest.
"Hey, not my fault this realm throws you out like expired cabbage," Shen Yuan muttered.
They were no longer in the underground garden. They were standing at the edge of a forest, the kind where every tree looked like it had a tragic backstory and the squirrels carried knives. In the distance loomed a massive mountain range, the peaks shaped like upturned frying pans. A crooked wooden sign nearby read:
Welcome to the Unspoken Culinary Sect
No Entry Without Proper Marinade
Shen Yuan blinked. "What in the stir-fried hell is this?"
The system chimed.
Hidden Location Discovered: Unspoken Culinary Sect
Reputation: Infamous
Founder: Forgotten
Sect Specialty: Culinary Combat Arts
Note: Do Not Ask About The Lobster Incident
A small rustle came from the bushes. Out popped a young man, no older than sixteen, dressed in an apron embroidered with flaming carrots. He held a large wok like a weapon, his hair tied in a high chef's knot, and his eyes gleamed with the intensity of someone who had seen battle in kitchens and beyond.
"You!" the boy shouted, pointing at Shen Yuan. "Intruder! Do you know how to properly julienne a spiritual radish?"
Shen Yuan raised an eyebrow. "Do I look like someone who even knows what julienne means?"
The boy looked mildly horrified. "Barbarian. Savage. Uncultured wait, are you the one who came from the Garden of Banished Clowns?"
Shen Yuan hesitated. "Maybe."
"Then you are the chosen idiot. Follow me. The Grand Hotpot Master wants to see you."
Before Shen Yuan could argue, the boy turned and ran back into the trees.
Zap-Chan chirped.
"Yeah, I think we have time for one more ridiculous sidetrack," Shen Yuan muttered, and followed.
They emerged into a valley built like a strange culinary utopia. Wooden houses shaped like bento boxes floated above steaming lakes of broth. Disciples in chef robes sparred with ladles, spatulas, and knives as long as Shen Yuan's arm. In the distance, someone was practicing a move called Flaming Tempura Palm on a helpless training dummy.
"This place is real," Shen Yuan whispered. "And I think I love it."
Zap-Chan nodded solemnly.
The young man led them to a round building shaped like a dumpling steamer. Inside, rows of seated disciples were tasting soup with the solemnity of monks reading scripture. At the head of the chamber sat a wide, serene man in a robe covered in oil stains. His hair was tied in a perfect bun, and his beard flowed like ramen noodles.
"Grand Hotpot Master," the boy said, bowing. "I have brought the Clownborn."
Shen Yuan frowned. "Okay, that nickname needs to stop."
The Grand Hotpot Master opened his eyes and chuckled. "You smell like mischief and unfinished meals. Yes, you're the one."
He gestured for Shen Yuan to sit. A bowl of bubbling soup floated toward him, held aloft by invisible qi.
"Try it."
Shen Yuan took a cautious sip. A warm explosion of flavor coursed through him, unlocking memories he didn't know he had. Childhood. Laughter. The joy of stolen pastries. He slumped back.
"That's... illegal. That should be illegal."
The Master smiled. "Food and cultivation are not so different. Both feed the soul. Both grow with fire."
Shen Yuan straightened. "So what's the catch? You gonna recruit me into the Order of the Stir-Fried?"
"No. We want to give you something."
The Grand Hotpot Master reached beneath the table and produced a scroll. The seal on it bore the image of a spoon crossed with a smile.
Scroll Acquired: Recipe of the Ninth Stirring Laughter
Path Expansion: Culinary Chaos
Effect: Cooking-Based Qi Techniques Unlocked
Additional Trait Gained: Immune to Food Poisoning (Legendary)
The system chimed again.
Congratulations. You are now the first cultivator to walk both the Path of Joyful Madness and the Wok-Fu Lineage.
New Hybrid Path Created: Laughing Chef of Unreasonable Destiny
Shen Yuan stared at the scroll, then back at the Master. "You guys are serious."
"We have been waiting for someone who could balance comedy and chaos," the Master said. "And also not burn rice."
"I once cooked noodles by accident," Shen Yuan offered. "Does that count?"
The Master clapped once. "Close enough."
Zap-Chan chirped again, then promptly stole a steamed bun from a passing disciple and devoured it whole.
The Grand Hotpot Master rose. "There is more. You must now pass the Trial of Wok and Whimsy."
"I hate how much I'm into this," Shen Yuan muttered.
The Master pointed toward the arena outside. "Your opponent awaits."
Outside, a figure stood in the center of a hot stone platform. He wore a blindfold, a chef's robe too long for his frame, and a belt made entirely of ladles. His muscles flexed with the power of stir-fry enlightenment.
"This," the Grand Hotpot Master said, "is Iron Chef Jun. Defeat him, and you will earn the right to wield the Spatula of Infinite Echoes."
"That's not a real weapon," Shen Yuan said.
A gong sounded. Iron Chef Jun raised his ladle, and it shimmered with spiritual heat.
"Alright," Shen Yuan muttered, stepping into the arena. "Let's see if comedy can beat cuisine."
He activated the Manual of Chaotic Joy. Laughter spiraled from his body, warping the air around him. Iron Chef Jun responded with a sizzling aura of searing oil qi.
Their first clash sent waves of broth-qi flying into the sky.
Ladle met joke. Frying pan met slapstick.
It was, somehow, the most ridiculous and profound battle Shen Yuan had ever fought.
As he dodged a Flaming Ginger Kick and countered with a Wobbly Duck Roll, Shen Yuan realized something terrifying.
He was getting stronger.
The path might be absurd, the techniques ridiculous, and his new title laughable.
But it worked.
And somewhere far away, under the mountain where the Sect of Echoing Blades trained in deadly silence, a black-robed assassin watched the stars shift in the sky.
"The fool has moved again," she whispered. "And this time, he's cooking.