Waking up in the middle of nowhere is not something I recommend.
My eyes snap open to bright, golden sunlight filtering through the trees. For a second, I have no idea where I am. My head is pounding, like someone tried to download the entire Internet into my brain and then deleted half of it. Trees. Lots of trees. A wide open clearing. Birds chirping cheerfully like this is just another Tuesday.
I sit up slowly, my back aching, and immediately gag. The air is thick with the strong smell of incense — the kind that makes you feel like someone is trying to hide something horrible. Around me, there are weird, ritualistic things scattered on the ground: dried flower petals, colored powders, some tattered cloth, even bones. Actual bones.
My brain is slow, but something clicks. The black hole. That weird shadowy thing that sucked me back in that alley. The last thing I remember is being pulled off my bed by something that looked like it was designed by a horror game developer on a caffeine high.
I blink. "...Well. Either I'm dead, or I've been dropped into someone's weird forest cosplay."
I try standing up — my legs feel like jelly. My clothes are... not mine. Not my hoodie. Not my comfy PJs. Nope. I'm in a very dusty, very dirty brown military uniform, the kind you'd find on the last surviving background soldier in a post-apocalyptic movie. I look like I just crawled out of a ditch after losing a battle with a mud monster.
And then I hear it — the sound of horses.
Like, actual galloping. Multiple. And clanking armor. I spin around and freeze as a small group of knights — yes, full-blown English medieval knights — come bursting into the clearing on horseback. Their armor is polished, their posture terrifying, and their accents?
British. Like "Shakespeare and tea" British.
They pull their horses to a stop. One of them points his sword at me — not in a threatening way, more like I'm a lost puppy.
"Which commission do you belong to, examinee?" the leader asks.
My brain stalls. I blink. "Excuse me, what?"
He narrows his eyes. "Your commission. Where is your squad?"
"Uh... I... lost them?" I say slowly, like I'm not entirely sure if I'm on a prank show or an alien planet.
Another knight rides closer. "He must be from the eastern division, based on the fabric. But look at him! He's filthy. You get lost before the exams even started, lad?"
I raise a hand like I'm in class. "Okay, so, question — what exam are we talking about? Is this, like... national service? Or a fantasy game I forgot to sign up for?"
They look at each other.
"...Is he simple?" one whispers, not so quietly.
"I'm standing right here, mate," I reply. "And I'm very complicated, thank you."
There's a pause. Then one of them bursts into laughter, which apparently breaks the tension. The others chuckle too.
"He must be the weakest one to lose himself like this," the first knight says. "Return to the facility, boy. You're not far. Just follow that trail west."
Then, as suddenly as they came, the knights trot off, still laughing.
I stare after them, blinking. "What... the medieval hell was that?"
But I'm not about to sit around waiting for another shadow hole to eat me, so I start walking.
The forest is kind of... normal? Tall trees. Birds. Occasional creepy rustling. But the whole time, something feels off. The air is a little too still. The birds a little too loud. And my boots? They hurt. Like walking-on-nails hurt. Whatever poor soul owned these before me must've had hooves for feet.
After what feels like two full hours hiking, cursing, and swatting away bugs that have no respect for personal space, I finally reach the edge of civilization.
A village. Well, more like a town square surrounded by cottages with straw roofs. It looks like someone turned a museum diorama into a real place. People walk around in proper medieval clothes — dresses, tunics, aprons. Men pushing carts. Children chasing chickens. But here's the kicker — they aren't all white.
There are people of every ethnicity: dark-skinned men in linen robes, Asian-looking women in aprons, pale blond merchants arguing over bread prices. All speaking perfect English, with that weird medieval twang.
I blink. Again. "Okay. So I'm either in the world's most diverse Ren Faire... or this is not Earth."
I spot a guy selling vegetables by a stall and decide it's time to test my luck. Walking up to him, I try to sound casual.
"Hey. Um. Do you know where the examination facility is?"
The man raises an eyebrow but answers politely, "Just beyond the city walls. Keep walking north and you'll reach it soon enough."
I nod. "Thanks."
But as I turn to go, my stomach growls loud enough to scare a bird off a nearby roof. And I look like an actual walking dumpster fire. My hair probably looks like a squirrel's nest. People are staring. Some step aside like I might infect them.
I sigh and march back to the vegetable guy.
"Sir," I say, switching to full medieval polite mode, "may I request to use a bath? I am an examinee, though I may not look like it right now. I appear to have suffered some... displacement."
He squints at me. "Examinee?"
I nod solemnly, trying to look noble. "Lost during training. Found my way back."
He stares at me for a moment... then his expression softens. "Ah. One of those poor recruits. Come. Behind the stall, there's a pump and basin. I'll fetch you a towel."
I nearly cried. "You are a saint."
So I wash. And ohhh, it feels divine. Cold water never felt this good. I scrub off layers of dirt and grime and... other things I don't want to identify. The shopkeeper even gives me a ragged tunic and something edible — bread and a weird fruit that tastes like pear and soap.
I sat by his stall afterward, eating in peace. People are still staring, but at least now I look less like a diseased raccoon.
Once my stomach is full and my dignity somewhat restored, I set off again. The city walls rise in the distance, grey stone against a bright blue sky. Flags flutter. Guards patrol the gates. It looks... important. Grand. Like a place where real things happen.
And if this examination facility is there... Maybe that's where I'll find some answers.
Or at least someone who can tell me what the hell is going on.