"Tadashi."
Nagi purred in a sweet voice, wrapping his arm around mine. His eyes were heated, his cheeks flushed pink, making him look adorable. His dyed blonde hair suited his pale skin. He had colored contacts in his large eyes; someone once said he looked like an angel.
It had been a while since I'd shown my face at this gay-friendly bar. I knew a few people there, and they casually made advances. I hadn't come for that reason; I had come simply to drink. No, by choosing this place, I must have been looking for it. The adorable Nagi, who was exactly my type, sat next to me and put a hand on my knee. He whispered, "Hey, what do you think?" so close that I could feel his breath.
I didn't feel any flutter in my heart. But that part of me stirred.
"Alright."
I bit Nagi's lips, accepting his invitation.
It had been a while since I'd had sex. Nagi was exactly my type.
I had endured enough. That man—Nada-san—didn't want to see me anymore anyway. I didn't want to take Nagi home, so I started looking for a hotel nearby. As I walked briskly, I saw a familiar figure up ahead. His steps were unsteady and dangerous.
"Tadashi?"
Nagi called out to me, looking suspicious, as I stopped.
"My bad. Maybe next time."
I slipped out of his arm and started walking.
"What? No way! I'm so turned on I can barely walk. Why?"
"Sorry."
Avoiding the clinging Nagi, I pursued that unreliable person.
"You idiot, Tadashi! I'm never going to give you the time of day again!"
I didn't care. I couldn't leave that person alone.
I stepped out from the shadows of the building and saw Nada-san sitting on a bench. He was leaning against the backrest, looking up at the sky. His expression was so pained that my chest ached.
Why do you look so sad?
"!"
Nada-san's shoulders suddenly shook violently. I had a bad feeling and ran toward him. Just as I expected, Nada-san was throwing up. With his other hand covering his mouth, he was fumbling in his pants pocket, desperately trying to find a handkerchief or something.
Honestly, Nada-san...
I should just pretend I didn't see him. He's the one who turned his back on me and disappeared. It's useless to hope for anything.
My rationality told me that.
But I stood beside him anyway.
"Here."
I pulled a tissue from my pocket and handed him a few sheets.
"...Tadashi."
He called my name in a muffled voice, his eyes wide.
"Use this."
"Thank you."
Surprised, he thanked me and took the tissues. He wiped his soiled hands and his mouth. The entire pack of tissues was gone. He stumbled as he tried to throw the dirty tissues into the trash can.
"I'll take you to your car."
After somehow managing to put the tissues in the trash, Nada-san sat back down on the bench. I found myself saying that to him. There was no way he could get home by himself. Not in this condition.
"...No need."
But he just mumbled that, his head still bowed. He wouldn't make eye contact with me, keeping his distance.
"Are you scared of me?"
His demeanor was completely different from before, so I found myself asking. Was he afraid to be near me? Did he hate me that much? I was filled with a feeling close to despair.
He lifted his face.
He stared at me intensely, but then quickly looked down again.
"Nada-san?"
I wanted to see his face once more. Show it to me, I thought, as I knelt down to peer at his face. I could see his eyelids blinking and his body stiffening.
"It's fine. Thanks for the tissues."
He stood up, clearly trying to get away from me, and turned his back.
His small back.
I wanted to hug him and make him mine. I was definitely stronger than him. If I forced myself on him, would he become mine?
My hand moved on its own.
It was about to reach his back.
But I held back that impulse.
I didn't want to make him sad.
There was no way I could force myself on him.
I clenched my fist and turned on my heel. After walking for a bit, I felt a pull on my heart and turned back. His back was already too far away to make out.
I'm such an idiot.
With the urge to punch myself, I quickened my pace toward the station.
Ignoring my feelings, daily life flowed on quietly.
Since joining the company, I had always worked with Mita-senpai, but gradually I started handling more work on my own, and the number of companies I was solely responsible for grew. I used to drink with Nada-san often after Mita-senpai came back with Xiuxiong from China and started dating him. "I'll work hard and then go drink with him," I would tell myself to get through the day. But now that incentive was gone, and I just listlessly went through my tasks.
"Fuuwaah."
A huge yawn escaped me, and I hurriedly chewed it down.
I hadn't been sleeping well every night. Every morning, I would look at my miserable face and give a bitter smile.
"Kihara-kun."
A file was placed on my desk with a plop. I looked up to see Assistant Manager Tatsumi standing next to me with a smile. The gentle and popular Tatsumi was apparently in love with his assistant, Matsumotosan. But Matsumotosan kept him at a considerable distance. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships between men and women, but Mita-senpai seemed concerned about their dynamic and often got in the way of the assistant manager. When I once asked him why, he just laughed and didn't answer.
"You look tired. Why don't you take a break? And while you're at it, would you mind getting me a coffee? I need you to be refreshed and double-check this document again. There were quite a few mistakes."
"...My apologies."
"Well, it's my job to find my subordinates' mistakes. Come on, go rest your head for a bit. And don't forget my coffee."
"Yes."
With that, I had no choice but to go to the break room.
The break room, which was usually full of people, was uncharacteristically quiet. I stood in front of the new coffee machine, placed a paper cup down, and pressed the hot latte button. A hissing sound began as milk and coffee were poured simultaneously. The perfectly calibrated machine stopped filling the cup at about eight-tenths full. The famous brand's coffee had a fragrant aroma that stimulated my nostrils.
I sat down at a bright window seat and sipped the coffee, blowing on it. My mind was a mess.
I was always thinking about him.
I couldn't forget him.
He wasn't cool at all, not cute, not handsome.
A round nose, coarse black hair—a face with none of the typical qualities of a good-looking person.
A charming face. Yes.
That expression fit his face perfectly. His wide range of expressions meant I never got bored when I was with him. I had so much fun.
"...It's Kihara-kun. How rare."
A high-pitched voice reached my ears, pulling me back to reality. I drank the rest of the coffee in the paper cup and stood up.
I hate women. They're so loud.
I got up, walked past the women who were watching me from a distance, and returned to my department.
"Kihara-kun. Did you forget the coffee?"
"Ah! I'm so sorry! I'll go make it right now!"
"It's fine. It was just an excuse anyway. More importantly, please review that document for me."
"Yes."
Having a lot of mistakes just because I'm unmotivated is the worst. I sat down at my desk and started reviewing the documents that were carefully corrected in red ink.
"Good work, everyone."
I started to hear those greetings and realized it was already past 5 o'clock.
"Huh?"
The desk next to me was pristine. There were no signs that anyone had used it.
"Are you looking for Mita-kun?"
As I blinked my eyes, a voice called out from behind me. It was Takagi-senpai, who had a less approachable aura than Mita-senpai. He pushed up the center of his glasses with his index finger and gave a lustrous smile. There was a strange kind of allure in his demeanor, and I tilted my head in confusion. At the same time, I had a hunch.
"He was out on appointments all day today, wasn't he?"
His words were soft. I was certain. Takagi-senpai was gay.
"Are you lonely without Mita-kun, Kihara-kun?"
"That's not it at all."
I didn't want him to get the wrong idea. I definitely liked Mita-senpai before, but it was different now.
"Oh, really?" Takagi-senpai narrowed his eyes and smiled.
"...Kihara-kun. Should I comfort you?"
Takagi-senpai moved his swivel chair closer to me until he was close enough to touch. With his glasses off and a smile on his face, he seemed like a completely different person. An alluring aura emanated from him.
"T-Takagi-senpai!"
Startled back to reality from the alluring aura that made me feel like I was being sucked in, I looked around. Being gay was supposed to be a secret at the company. If anyone heard this conversation, we'd be in trouble.
"It's okay. Everyone's gone home." Takagi-senpai whispered to me.
"Did you get your heart broken? I'll comfort you if you'd like."
"I want in on that too!"
"!"
Suddenly, a low voice echoed in the room. There was supposed to be no one here. I frantically pulled away from Takagi-senpai and stood up. The man who appeared was taller than me—it was Suzumoto-san, the assistant manager of the production department.
"You're not self-aware enough that you're dating me."
"Oh, really?"
Right in front of me, my senior and the assistant manager of the production department were flirting. For some reason, Suzumoto-san, who had suddenly appeared in an angry mood, invited me out for a drink. Considering our positions, I couldn't refuse and had no choice but to accept the invitation. Suzumoto-san was taller than me and handsome, so he was popular with women.
I remember hearing rumors about him and women. But I never imagined he was dating Takagi-senpai. Takagi-senpai, who was kept at a distance in the department for being "nerdy," was apparently wearing a mask all along. The way he was talking to Suzumoto-san without his glasses on made him look like a completely different person than he was during the day.
But seriously, why did they drag me along?
I ate the food in front of me, ignoring the flirting couple. It wasn't that I was hungry, but I felt restless if I wasn't doing something.
"Kihara-kun. Who was the person who broke your heart?"
"Did he get his heart broken? If he's gay, it might be someone we know."
I was surprised when they suddenly brought me into the conversation. I thought they had forgotten about me.
"...It's someone you two don't know. He's straight."
To be accurate, Takagi-senpai should know him. But I didn't want these people to know about Nada-san.
"A straight guy, huh? My condolences. It's quite difficult to get a straight guy to be interested."
"Ah, but Mita-kun started dating Wang-san, didn't he?"
"!"
My direct senior and his lover's names suddenly came up, and I almost spit out the beer I had in my mouth.
"? Oh, didn't you know, Kihara-kun? No way. Or is it another factor?"
"That's right. There's no way he didn't know. Wang-san was quite a beauty. Mita-kun was cute, too. His innocent reactions were great. I still get chills just thinking about them."
"Tatsuro!"
Takagi-senpai's voice was unusually sharp, and Suzumoto-san let out a cough. It seemed he had been jabbed in the ribs with an elbow.
Chills? Those reactions?
So does that mean Suzumoto-san also did something to Mita-senpai?
"I'm sorry."
"I'm not forgiving you. It's over. We're not dating anymore."
"Give me a break. I said a little too much."
"No. Absolutely not."
"Takagi."
Suzumoto-san pulled the sulking senior close and gave him a deep kiss. Since this was a bar for gay people, they didn't get any special attention. But these two people had completely forgotten about my existence... In the end, I was only released from the company of the lovey-dovey couple about an hour later.
"Ah, I'll get this."
I should hope so.
After all, it had been a very painful dinner for me.
"Thank you very much."
But of course, I couldn't say what I really thought. I bowed my head.
"Alright, Takagi. Let's go."
They apparently didn't care about me at all. Suzumoto-san settled the bill, pulled Takagi-senpai's waist close, and left the restaurant.
What the hell was that?
"Thank you for your hard work."
I think I had a pretty annoyed look on my face. But he was my senior, and an assistant manager in a different department. I bowed my head again.
"Kihara-kun. Sorry about today. It wasn't very comforting, was it? But did you really get your heart broken? Or are you just misunderstanding each other, like Mita-kun and Wang-san? You're the one who decides when a love ends. So, why don't you ask how he really feels one more time?"
I was surprised by Takagi-senpai's sudden words and lifted my head. But the two of them had already melted into the neon-lit city streets and were out of sight.
How could you say that?
Takagi-senpai didn't know anything. That's why he could say something like that. I had already had my heart broken. My love was over.
...Is it really?
I stuffed my hands into my coat pockets and asked myself that question as I walked toward the station.
'You're the one who decides when a love ends. So, why don't you ask how he really feels one more time?'
Yes, that's right. I still haven't confirmed it. Before that day came, Nada-san must have had feelings for me. Even yesterday, he was surprised, but he didn't look disgusted. In that case...
Driven by that thought, I realized I was heading toward the place where I had seen Nada-san yesterday. I figured, knowing him, he must be lonely and drinking there every day. He also preferred to use a designated driver rather than a taxi or a train. So, I thought I'd be able to meet him if I waited near the parking lot. I sat down on a bench and waited for Nada-san to appear.
"Brrr, it's cold."
I was sitting there alone under the freezing sky. I sat there for about 30 minutes in that state.
"Achoo!"
I'm such an idiot. The chances of Nada-san coming here are close to zero... He's probably already gone home. After looking up at the sky, I looked toward a small alley between the buildings. I saw two shadows. They were getting closer to me, and I realized who they were.
One was Nada-san, the person I'd been waiting for. And the other was... Mita-senpai!
Why are they together?!
No, Mita-senpai probably came to drop Nada-san off at the parking lot because he was worried. I shouldn't be here. I can't explain to Mita-senpai why I'm here. I quickly stood up and turned my back to them. I hoped they wouldn't notice me. With that faint hope, I started heading home.
However, since we worked together every day, there was no way he wouldn't recognize me. The next day, Mita-senpai asked me about yesterday and, at the same time, told me that Nada-san had gotten a girlfriend. I was glad he asked about yesterday before telling me the shocking news. I was able to say that I was there to sober up. I gave a vague excuse for why I ran away.
Nada-san has a girlfriend.
...It's completely over.
Isn't that a good thing?
I have been completely heartbroken. It was a mistake to fall in love with him in the first place. I have someone who is right for me.
Nada-san is straight, and he wasn't even my type. Yes, falling in love with him was just a momentary delusion. That must be it. I spent every day desperately trying to convince myself of that, as if I were hypnotizing myself. I even invited guys who were my type and tried to sleep with them. But Nada-san's face would flash in my mind, and I couldn't get in the mood, so I kept leaving them at the hotel.
Two weeks passed like that. Mita-senpai went to China to celebrate Chinese New Year with Xiuxiong's family. Takagi-senpai and I were left to cover Mita-senpai's work. I thought it would be a piece of cake for just one week, but then the worst possible job came my way.
"I'll have to ask you to handle this matter, Kihara-kun. This is the project you were initially in charge of with Mita-kun, right?" Assistant Manager Tatsumi smiled at me.
There was no way I could say no. I had no reason to refuse.
"...Understood. I'll head out this afternoon."
I had to go to Suzuta Manufacturing, Nada-san's company, to cover for Mita-senpai.
"My name is Kihara from Keira. I have an appointment with Nada-san at 3 o'clock."
After I said that to the receptionist, I heard the clicking of a keyboard, and she told me to go up to the third floor. Suzuta Manufacturing used the entire third floor. Keira had its own building and office. Our company was larger in scale.
When I got to the third floor, I used the intercom next to the glass door to call Nada-san directly. My heart was pounding like a drum, and I took a deep breath as I waited for him to answer. It had been two weeks since I'd last seen Nada-san.
"Hello. This is Nada from Suzuta Manufacturing."
I heard his slightly high-pitched voice.
"...This is Kihara from Keira."
When I answered, I felt a moment of silence on his end, as if he had held his breath.
"The door is unlocked. Come on in."
I heard a soft beep. I cautiously pushed the glass door. It opened easily, and I slipped inside.
"...Tadashi. The reception room is down the hall. Let's talk there. Follow me."
Nada-san appeared in the empty reception area, said that, and started walking. We passed several partitioned tables and arrived at the reception room.
"After you."
Nada-san opened the door and gestured for me to go in. I nodded and entered. The room had no windows, making it feel a little closed off. There was nothing in the room but a table and chairs. But since it was just the two of us, it didn't feel small. I placed my laptop on the table and opened it. I could feel Nada-san's gaze on me, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him.
Nada-san, who now has a girlfriend.
He really doesn't care about me.
If I looked at his face, I felt like I would say something. Or maybe even do something. I desperately avoided him.
"...Do you want green tea or coffee?"
Nada-san asked me quietly.
"I'm sorry. Could I have coffee, please?"
I needed to ask for something to fill the silence. To calm myself down, I asked for coffee.
"I'll go make some."
He sounded somewhat relieved as he said that and got up from his seat. The door shut with a soft click, and I let out a breath. I felt a little bitter toward Mita-senpai in China.
I didn't know what expression I should make. I decided to talk about the products and leave as soon as possible. I made up my mind and opened the necessary documents to prepare for a quick meeting.
"...Why isn't he coming back?"
It had probably been less than 10 minutes. I waited nervously, wondering when he would return. But he didn't come back right away.
I heard a soft knock on the door, and Nada-san returned. There were two mugs on a round tray.
"Here. Coffee."
"Thank you."
He set a mug down next to my computer, and his face got closer. I desperately kept my eyes fixed on the computer screen. After taking a sip of the warm coffee he had made, I started explaining the product and the issues. Occasionally, Nada-san would ask questions, and I would answer them without looking at him. The business part of the meeting was over in about 30 minutes.
"Do you have any other questions?"
I asked, even though I was pretty sure he didn't.
"...Tadashi."
Then, he called my name in a trembling voice.
"!"
He grabbed my arm, and I almost jumped out of my seat.