Galf awoke in a dark, cold cell. Beside him, Necky slept peacefully, using a straw sack as a pillow and a slight smile of satisfaction on her face. Galf, on the other hand, felt his life flashing before his eyes. How on earth had he ended up here?
"We've been arrested!" he exclaimed, shaking Necky.
"Mmm... five more minutes..." the necromancer mumbled, turning over.
"Wake up already! Don't you realize the situation?"
"Mmm..." she turned the other way. "Mom, let me sleep five more minutes."
"Necky! You got us into this!" Galf looked at the bars. "The Inquisition is going to burn us alive!"
Necky yawned and stretched.
"You good-for-nothing, don't you realize an archnicromancer is sleeping? We were arrested because of the donkey, what do I have to do with it?"
"You... could you at least pay attention?"
Just then, the dungeon door swung open with a resounding bang, followed by a celestial choir and a beam of light that seemed to magically fall upon an imposing figure at the entrance. The celestial choirs boomed throughout the dungeon, and a light smoke covered the visitor's feet.
"Sinners!" a dramatic female voice thundered. "Your hour of redemption has come!"
Galf blinked. Where was the music, the choirs, and the... smoke coming from?
"Oh, no..." Necky muttered in annoyance, turning over on the straw she was using as a pillow. "You again..." she mumbled through clenched teeth, trying to pretend to be asleep.
The Holy Inquisitor Mirabella D'Orazio entered with solemn steps, her cape waving in a wind that shouldn't have been there. Her eyes shone with fanaticism and her golden armor gleamed as if it had just been polished with sinners' tears.
"Necra Gravesoul, arch-criminal of necromancy, devourer of souls, violator of eternal rest, grave robber, consummate heretic."
"Spiritual recycler!" Necky corrected, raising a finger. "And I don't devour souls, that's an offensive stereotype." She stretched out on the straw again.
Mirabella ignored the interruption.
"And you, her henchman without will or intelligence!" She pointed at Galf. "I knew that at some point you would spread your heresy by deceiving the unwary or allying with other vile scoundrels." She pointed an accusing finger at Galf's chest. "How dare you ally with such an abomination?"
Galf raised his hands in defense.
"I was just in the wrong place at the wrong time! I don't even like necromancy! I prefer a normal, steel sword, without curses!"
"What sword?" Mirabella asked. "My men found no sword among your clothes." She pulled a notebook from her clothes. "Galf, real name, Grandalf Arsefinger."
"It's not Arsefinger, it's Axefinger," he interrupted, a little embarrassed.
"That's what I said... don't interrupt the Inquisitor." She cleared her throat. "Necra Gravesoul, I hold your life in my hands, and that of your henchman."
"I'm not her henchman," Galf retorted through sobs.
Mirabella ignored him and approached the cell bars. "Heretics, you are accused of 'systematic desecration of eternal rest'."
"She's talking to you," Galf pointed, hoping Necky would react, but she continued to feign sleep.
The Holy Inquisitor continued, "Exhumation of rats and pigeons."
Galf, now desperate, began to shake Necky, who kept her eyes closed. "Don't leave me alone in this, you wretch."
"Manipulation of dark arts, cursing the sunlight, manipulation of bones and animal remains..."
Necky sat up. "It's my evil duty. Look at me, I'm a necromancer. Do you want me to do magic with flowers?"
Galf tried to stop her and cover her mouth.
"I'm... blame... we are... my... da—" She bit Galf's hand and began to squirm like a worm emerging from the earth for the first time. "Let go..." she yelled with all her might, but Galf had her mouth tightly covered.
She relaxed, seeing that he wasn't going to let go. She narrowed her eyes, and Galf felt that if she could, she would stab him with a stake right then, but Necky wasn't going to give up so easily. She opened her mouth slightly, stuck out her tongue, and began to lick Galf's palm, which was holding her tightly.
The repulsion of being licked made him let go, so Necky was able to jump to the cell bars.
"You won't see me fall, you dirty saint. Your very presence makes my skin itch."
"It's my luminous essence, it causes itching in the children of evil."
Necky backed away. She stretched out on the straw and curled up with complete nonchalance. "Don't talk to me anymore, at this hour archnicromancers sleep."
Galf tried to stop her. "Don't say that, the saint..."
"Slee-ping; archnicromancers sleep at this hour. WE SLEEP!" She curled into a fetal position and pretended to sleep peacefully, snoring occasionally.
Mirabella smiled maliciously. She continued to stare at Galf. "You are also accused of heresy by association, manifest stupidity, and repeated begging."
Galf stopped. "Is that for me?"
"Is there another henchman here?"
Galf, with tears in his eyes, tugged at Necky's clothes again. "Wake up already or I swear I'm going to confess."
Necky opened her eyes. "There's nothing to confess, you good-for-nothing, because I've done nothing." She put her hands on Galf's face and leaned in as if to hypnotize him with her eyes. "Nothing, we have nothing to do with the donkey, repeat it: nothing..."
"It's true, we have nothing to do with the donkey... what donkey? I'm already forgetting."
"Don Garras."
"Right, Don who?"
"You pair of imbeciles, stop if you don't want to burn at the stake." Necky and Galf stopped abruptly. Mirabella sighed heavily. "As the goddess Lumiaris dictates, I cannot condemn you without offering you the opportunity of a divine trial."
Necky knew exactly what that meant. "Oh no, not again..."
With an exalted air, Mirabella said, "I will entrust you with a mission from the Inquisition: you will descend into the catacombs and eradicate the soul-devouring demon that lurks in the darkness. If you fail... you will burn at the stake, we will collect your ashes and scatter them in the ocean, so that nothing remains of you."
Galf swallowed hard. "That sounds... reasonable..." he added in a trembling voice.
"Hey, you can't send us into the catacombs alone without a fair trial!" Necky protested, covering Galf's mouth with her hands. "The goddess will punish you for abusing the innocent."
"Of course not." She put the key in the cell lock. "Besides, you impious ones should be grateful for this opportunity and furthermore..." Trumpets sounded from somewhere. "...I will accompany you to ensure you commit no new heresies!" Mirabella exclaimed, with a self-satisfied smile.
"Oh, how wonderful!" Necky rolled her eyes. "Nothing like an Inquisitor breathing down my neck while I try to save my life."
"Guards! Take out the heretics!"
The trio descended into the catacombs beneath the City of Beginning. The dark, damp tunnels stretched in all directions, filled with crypts, niches, and dust-covered statues. A slight icy breeze swept through the place, making the torches flicker.
Mirabella marched at the front, a golden staff held high, reciting psalms aloud to purify the air and contain her fear. Galf followed her with trembling steps, while Necky brought up the rear, subtly trying to steal bones from the crypts.
"What are you doing?!" Galf whispered, seeing her put a skull in her bag.
"Nothing, nothing. Reverse purification," Necky replied with an innocent smile.
"Necky! Don't steal corpses while the Inquisition is watching us!"
"This isn't stealing, dullard, it's archaeological rescue."
Before Galf could protest further, a guttural roar echoed in the darkness.
"By the holy heavens, there's the demon!" Mirabella exclaimed, raising her staff, as she closed her eyes.
Necky snapped at her with an ironic smile. "What, are you scared?"
"Scared? A servant of Lumiaris is never scared. It's the cold."
The trio advanced slowly and, turning the corner, they found...
...a wardrobe trembling in the middle of the room.
Galf frowned.
"A wardrobe?"
Necky paled.
"Oh... I think... this might have a... slight connection to me..."
"WHAT?!" Galf grabbed her by the shoulders. "YOU DID THIS?!"
"There's no proof!" Necky protested. "Besides, if it were my spell... I clearly would have done it better."
Mirabella didn't listen to them. Overcoming her fear and with an expression of sacred fury, she raised her staff.
"Come out, unholy beast! Face the wrath of justice!"
The wardrobe stopped trembling. The door slowly opened... revealing a horde of cursed furniture that emerged from the gloom: chairs with sharp teeth, floating lamps, and a table that advanced on all fours like a predator.
Necky swallowed hard.
"Ahem... this is a little worse than I expected."
"Undo it! Now!" Galf shouted, dodging a coat rack that tried to strangle him. He would have drawn his sword if he had one, but he could only try to punch it.
"I can't undo what I didn't do!" Necky shamelessly lied. "Besides, it would be irresponsible to cast spells blindly! What do you think, am I some hack mage?"
"YOU MADE THEM!"
Mirabella tried to perform an exorcism, but a chair bit her arm.
"AAAAAH! THIS ISN'T LIKE THE CHURCH BOOKS!" she screamed, shaking off the chair in a panic. She began to recite, "May Lumiaris protect us, may Lumiaris protect us!..."
Chaos erupted. Galf fought a coat rack, Necky tried to negotiate with a floating lamp, and Mirabella was being dragged away by a wheeled coffin that moved like a runaway carriage.
"LEAVE ME, VILE CREATURES! Can't you see I am a servant of the light?!" Mirabella yelled as she disappeared into a side tunnel.
Necky laughed brazenly. "Foolish humans. They don't understand the glory of self-ordering furniture."
"Make yourself useful and undo your spell!" Galf shouted, still struggling with a coat rack.
Both stopped face to face.
"You turned out to be a formidable enemy, evil coat rack."
"Hehehe. It's time to show off." Necky rubbed her hands together and, snapping her fingers, the furniture fell to the floor, inert, as they should have always been.
"And the Inquisitor?" Galf asked.
"Get me out of here!" Mirabella's muffled voice was heard from afar. The coffin had swallowed her, leaving her trapped inside.
Galf and Necky looked at each other.
"Are we not going to help her?"
"Leave her there a little longer, just a little."
When they emerged from the catacombs, Mirabella was covered in dust and her dignity shattered, but she tried to pretend that everything had gone according to her divine plan.
"You were mere instruments of my will," she declared with false solemnity. "Without my guidance, you would have perished."
Galf and Necky looked at each other, incredulous.
"But a coffin almost killed you..." Galf murmured.
"Silence, redeemed heretic!" Mirabella interrupted. "I won't burn you at the stake... for now. But I'll be watching you!"
As Galf and Necky celebrated their "victory," a guild guard appeared.
"By the way, the Inquisition says the mission incurred unexpected costs, so you now owe them a debt."
"WHAT?!" they both yelled in unison.