Seonghwa took forty-five minutes to apply his makeup.
This required accuracy, not the fast club routine he could half-asleep. Eye makeup strong enough to divert from his bone structure but not so daring it yelled *drag queen* to everyone in the restaurant, contouring that looked natural but feminine, and foundation that would hold up under restaurant lighting.
For a long dinner, he had chosen four-inch heels that were comfortable enough but yet hugged his cushioned curves and went well with a black wrap dress. Shoulder-length and honey-blonde, his wig was softly waved to capture the light nicely.
Looking in their small bathroom mirror, he resembled just what he should be: a sophisticated beauty going to dinner with a customer.
From the threshold Wooyoung remarked, but his tone was weary. "You look stunning, quite... normal. If normal people looked like supermodels."
"That's the point," Seonghwa said, fixing his lipstick, a chic nude that wouldn't come off on wine glasses if he drank from it. How are you doing?"
"Okay."
"Woo...? "
" I am okay. Go get ready for your clearly not a date with your clearly not ex."
Seonghwa wanted to push but Hongjoong sent a message on his phone: "Just arrived. Take your time."
Twenty minutes before time. Certain things never changed.
As Seonghwa reached for his bag, the strain in his shoulders stiffened. This was only another performance, another client to woo. He had done this thousands of times before. Then why did his hands quiver as he gave himself one last look over.
---
The restaurant was precisely what Seonghwa had anticipated: mahogany and gentle lighting, the sort of establishment where discussions were murmured and the wine list surpassed their monthly rent. As he saw Hongjoong sitting at a corner table scrolling through his phone with that cute little brow furrow that showed he was thinking, he felt others eyes evaluate him.
As Seonghwa neared, he looked up and his face changed to one that made Seonghwa's chest tight.
Hongjoong stood to draw out his chair. "Wow, you look... gorgeous, " he said.
"Thank you." Seonghwa settled into his seat, keenly aware of every action. the dress, the way he crossed his legs, the subdued smile that wasn't quite his own. "Sorry, I am late."
"You aren't late. I am always early. Hongjoong slumped back down and Seonghwa saw him staring—really staring—before he seemed to catch himself."I ordered wine. Hope thats okay. "
"Perfect."
The server arrived with a bottle most likely costing more than Seonghwa made in a week at the clubs. Seonghwa watched Hongjoong's face in the candlelight as he sampled and gave it his stamp of approval. He appeared weary, anxious, but something else was there too. a mildness lacking during their usual professional meetings.
"Long day?",Seonghwa said as wine was poured into his glass.
Hongjoong took a big mouthful of wine. "Chaeyoung called me six times. Six. About napkin colors." She's convinced that ivory and cream are 'completely different emotional experiences' and I need to know the difference."
"Well, ivory is warmer. Cream has blue undertones that, under some lighting, might cause flowers to seem washed out."
Hongjoong watched him. " Please dont tell me you really believe that?"
Seonghwa laughed, the kind of smile that had seduced drunk salarymen into giving him more tips. "Besides, she's not wrong about the undertones." He said, "I think your cousin thinks it is, and that's what matters."
" God, you are quite brilliant at this work."His voice had something in it that was admiring but also something warmer. "How did you learn all this?" The psychology of handling challenging clients, the technical aspects?"
" Experience. You develop your capacity to read people, discern their true desires from what they express as needs. "
" And what do you believe Chaeyoung truly desires?"
Seonghwa thought about this as he spun his wine glass between his perfect manicured fingers. "To feel unique. She has always been the rich cousin, the pretty one, but never the important one. This wedding is her opportunity to be the main character in her own life."
Hongjoong seemed startled." Thats quite perceptive really. "
"People are not very complex. We all want to believe that we are significant."
"What about you? What do you truly want?"
The question struck like a gut punch.
Seven years ago, I want to go back and change my decisions. I want to be sitting here as myself, not as a person I made up to live. Look at me the way you used to, when you knew who I actually was.
He said instead," Financial security. "Boring, but honest."
*That is hardly boring. I grew up never having to think about money, so I forget sometimes that most people do," Hongjoong said softly, adding, "Thats practical. Tell me about your history if you are okay with me asking?"
Seonghwa's heart went wild." My story?"
"Where you are from?, how you came to be in Seoul? You said you used to be involved in music, I would like to know more about that."
Be Cautious. Keep near the truth.
He said chiding himself .
"Small town boy with big dreams. When I was young, I came to Seoul thinking I was going to make it big in entertainment." He allowed some very real animosity to seep into his voice. "Learned the hard way that talent isn't enough if you don't have the right connections."
" What happened?"
"Politics. Powerful people decided I wasn't... fit for the image they wanted to portray."
Hongjoong clenched his jaw tightly. " That's fucked up."
"That's the industry for you," Seonghwa shrugged, the movement graceful and practiced. "I finally landed on my feet. Found other means to perform, other ways to please people."
" The club work?"
So he knew. Kim Hongjoong would most certainly not hire someone with a clean background check, and the club's manager was the one who gave Hongjoong's number,
"Among other things, yes."
" Do you get irritated?" The clubs...I mean...some of the patrons might be... He appeared to be hunting for polite vocabulary.
Challenging? Seonghwa's grin became tight. I can manage myself. Apart from that, I am good at it and it pays quite nicely.
"I am certain you are. You are this... present. You can control a room simply by entering it."
The compliment made Seonghwa's chest burn. Years ago, when they were both trainees and Seonghwa had performed a really hard choreography, that was something Hongjoong had told him.
*Hwa, you have this aura. Like the stage belongs to you."
" Thank you,"he said.
A few minutes later their meal came and Seonghwa ate delicately, aware of his lipstick, of preserving the feminine grace he had honed over years of performance.
Hongjoong murmured halfway through the main course, "Can I ask you something personal?"
"Depends on how personal."
" Do you go out? I mean, it must be hard to find someone who gets it in your line of work."
Between them the issue hovered. Seonghwa sensed as though he were balancing on a tightrope over a void.
"Dating is tough when you spend your nights acting for other people's dreams," he murmured. "Most men either desire the dream or they want to fix you. Neither are very enticing."
" What about women?"
Though the question was simple, it had some underlying meaning.
"I'm... open to possibilities," Seonghwa remarked, which was both accurate and totally inadequate to capture the complexity of his situation.
Hongjoong nodded, but his eyes stayed fixed on Seonghwa's face in a way that made his skin feel hot.
"What about you?" Seonghwa responded, turning away. "I can't imagine you have trouble finding dates."
" You would find surprising things. Most women either seek my money or are excited from the family name. It's difficult to know who's interested in me versus what I stand for."
" And guys?"
Hongjoong stopped halfway to his lips with a wine glass. "What about men?"
"Same question.Do you date guys?"
Hongjoong rested his glass and said, "I... I have never actually considered it. I mean, I've considered it but never really. My family expects some things."
Your relatives also destroyed my life to guard their assumptions.
"Expectations can be overrated, you know?, Seonghwa stated thoughtfully.
"Perhaps but yet, some cages are tougher to escape from than others. "
They glanced at each other over the table, and something passed between them unrelated to wedding preparation but rather to the way Hongjoong's gaze kept sinking to Seonghwa's lips.
"We should probably talk about tomorrow," Seonghwa said, his voice a little shaky. "The venue walkthrough."
" Right." Hongjoong did not glance away, nevertheless. "Though I have to say, this feels nothing like a business dinner.
"How does it feel?"
"Like I'm having dinner with someone I want to know everything about."
Those words struck Seonghwa like a literal hit. He yearned for that as well, yearning to tell Hongjoong everything, to abandon the act and be once simply himself. However himself was someone Hongjoong's family had ruined and someone Hongjoong had forgot.
"I know you are amazing at your work. I know you are beautiful. I know you care more about other people than you let on and you make impossible things possible. Hongjoong bent slightly forward. I know I have been unable to quit thinking about you since we met."
Please not do this to me. Not now. Not ever.
"Mr. Kim... "
*I am aware of the difficulty here. I could care less if you are a man,your work, my position, our almost unknown nature. I cannot be the only one experiencing this, though."
He was not. God,it definitely wasn't. However, this was a disaster waiting to happen and Seonghwa could not afford setbacks. Not with twenty million won at stake, not with Wooyoung sick, not with his whole well-built existence hanging in the balance.
"You're not," he said. "But that doesn't imply we should act on it."
"Why not?"
*You are Kim Hongjoong; I am the trainee your family demolished. So everything about this is based on lies.*
"I cannot afford to lose this job."
Hongjoong straightened back, a flicker of anger crossing his face. "You think I'd fire you if we... should...if it doesn't work out between us?"
"I believe people make promises they can't keep when they're feeling emotional." Seonghwa's voice was softer than his words. "I think powerful men don't always understand how much power they have over the people who work for them."
"I'm not..."Hongjoong began then paused. "You're right. I am in a position of power here, and that's not fair to you. I apologize."
The apology was so honest and so surprising that Seonghwa almost lost his cool.
"Don't apologize. Let's only concentrate on the wedding, two more weeks will allow us to review.
"Two weeks," Hongjoong said again. "And what happens next?"
"Then we can find out."
They both knew it was a lie. Seonghwa would gather his money in two weeks and vanish back into the anonymity in Seoul or perhaps relocate somewhere else with Wooyoung. Hongjoong would continue on to his next endeavor, almost certainly his next distraction from the music career he would never have had.
For now, though, they may act as though two weeks wasn't going to come.
Hongjoong paid without glancing at the overall when the server seemed to have the check. Outside the restaurant, they waited for the valet to bring the car, standing close enough that Seonghwa could smell Hongjoong's cologne.
"Thank you for dinner," Seonghwa remarked. "It was lovely."
"Thank you for saying yes." Hongjoong faced him fully. "I know this is difficult, but I want you to know—tonight felt like the first genuine conversation I've had in months."
It seemed like returning home, Seonghwa mused.
It seemed like the people we used to be before your family judged I was not worth keeping around.
He responded instead with "It was nice."
Hongjoong moved closer, so Seonghwa had to tilt his head back to meet his gaze. "Can I...?."
"No." The word came out sharper than expected. "Not here. Not yet, not really.
Hongjoong nodded, retreating."Okay then."
Seonghwa's borrowed car, a beat-up Honda looking horribly shabby alongside the restaurant's typical customers, came first. Hongjoong banged on the passenger window as he entered.
Heart pounding, Seonghwa rolled it down.
Hongjoong murmured, "I meant what I said about not being able to stop thinking about you."
Before Seonghwa could answer, Hongjoong walked back to wait for his own car, leaving him sitting in traffic with his hands shaking on the steering wheel.
---
Wooyoung questioned as Seonghwa entered at midnight, "How was your definitely-not-a-date?"
"Complicated."
"Did he try to kiss you?"
"Not quite."
"And?
"And I stopped him." Seonghwa kicked off her heels and collapsed onto their couch. "Woo, I think I'm in trouble."
"What sort of trouble?"
"The one where I'm starting to forget why I'm supposed to hate him."
Wooyoung stayed silent for quite some time. Then maybe because the person you're meant to hate isn't the one who drove you to dinner tonight."
"They are the same person."
"They are? Which Kim Hongjoong gazed at you as if you hung the moon and paid for a ludicrously expensive meal, or the Kim Hongjoong who let his parents ruin your career? "
Seonghwa had no response to that.
It had been difficult to keep in mind tonight that this was the adversary since sitting across from Hongjoong and hearing him discuss family expectations and missed chances had been rather painful. This was the one whose success had come at the expense of Seonghwa's aspirations.
"It's irrelevant," he replied at last. "In two weeks this will all be done."
" Will it really?"
Seonghwa felt the burden of everything they both were bearing as he examined his closest friend, the tiredness on his face, and the worry in his eyes.
Before Seonghwa could reply, his phone pinged with a text message and it was from Hongjoong.
I am unable to sleep. I keep thinking about your words regarding individuals needing to feel like their life have purpose. Tonight felt unusual. Like... something changed.
With his fingers hovering above the keyboard, Seonghwa gazed down at the screen.
One more buzz: Sorry. I'm not sure why I'm saying all this. Just ignore me.
Then: Not really, no. Pay me attention. I would like to see you tomorrow. For a very long time I have wanted to show someone a location. I think you would see why.
From his perch on the couch Wooyoung glanced up across the room." Hyung? Is everything all right?"
Seonghwa said nothing. When his phone rang once more—this time with an incoming call and his heart was pounding.
Wooyoung's eyes widened. "Hyung...you really want to answer it?"
But Seonghwa swiped to answer before he could stop himself.
"Hey," Hongjoong spoke less loudly than he normally did. More deliberate. As he was mulling over every word before he said. "I'm not sure why I'm phoning exactly, but I feel like I'm missing something. Like there is something significant directly in front of me and I am too dumb to understand it."
Seonghwa's throat went dry." You're not dumb."
A pause stretched out too long.
"You know, I used to think there was always a reason someone entered your life. For a while, I stopped thinking that; too many disappointments and too many people desired something from me. But tonight... Hongjoong's voice became softer. I am unsure. Have you ever encountered someone who feels both familiar and unfamiliar at once?"
Seonghwa squeezed the phone so tightly that his knuckles turned white.
Hongjoong said, "I don't know what I'm saying," and there was something almost desperate in his voice. "Just... promise you'll meet me next week Tuesday after the arrangements."
" Where?"
Hongjoong, however, simply said: I will text you the address. Just don't disappear on me.
The phone hung up and Seonghwa stood there in their dark living room, eyes fixed on the black screen.
With worried eyes ,Wooyoung watched him. "What did he say? "
Seonghwa opened his mouth to respond but he wasn't sure he had the right words.