I grew up in Scotland, in a small town on the coast of Fife. My family wasn't rich—far from it—which is to be expected when your mother has a substance abuse problem and is the walking incarnation of a narcissist. More details on that later, but for now, let's lay the groundwork.
I don't remember much from my childhood, mostly due to a lot of trauma forcing me to suppress memories. However, that's what made me decide to start writing this. I wanted to use it as a way to talk about my life, pass on any wisdom I might have, or even just leave something truly unique to me in this world when I'm gone.
The early days of my youth were apparently pretty good, aside from a few things I'll cover later. Overall, they were more enjoyable than later years, as I was an only child at the time. Even still, my mother found looking after anyone but herself—something she couldn't even do properly—more difficult than she should have. As a baby, my crib was often filled with clothes, dirty or otherwise, with only a small area to sleep. By ages 2-3, I got my own room, which would have been great, except—kid you not—half the room was piled to the ceiling with clothes in bin bags, probably trash as well. Every door in the house had a lock on both the outside and inside to stop people from getting in or out due to how disgusting the place was.
When I was 5, my mother had my little sister, and I immediately noticed a change. As is typical with a new sibling, the oldest often feels somewhat forgotten or neglected compared to the new child. However, it usually doesn't last long, and with good parents—or even both parents present—it might not happen at all.
In my case, though, things were different. I didn't really see my mother as my mum; I saw my grandmother as more of a mother and my grandfather as a father. From a young age, whenever my mother got mad or upset, she would go to extremes. One of my earliest memories is when my hamster died. I wanted my grandmother because she would have comforted me. When I told my mother I wanted to see my gran—because my mother couldn't get a £20 loan from her for what she claimed was electric or food money, but was actually for speed or dope—she took her anger out on me. She shouted, asking why I wanted to see my gran, and it escalated to her saying things like, "If you want to be with her so bad, go live with her, and I'll just kill myself." She even went as far as bringing out razor blades one time, or a kitchen knife another. I couldn't count the number of times this sort of thing happened—from blaming me for her life being so terrible to one time sending herself to the hospital after dropping a knife that stuck into her thigh.
By the time I was about 8, I decided to move in with my gran full-time, especially since my little brother was born, which only made my mother more broke and unable to feed us or pay for heating. I was also tired of hiding because my mother had made so many enemies. Our windows would get smashed often, she'd be threatened on the street, or debt collectors and social workers would try to get in touch with her.
By hiding, I mean the curtains were never open—either taped or nailed shut. The bottoms of doors always had blankets blocking the light from getting through, keyholes were taped over, the TV volume was never higher than 7, and regularly, up to three times a day, half the week was spent in silence waiting for whoever was there to leave. If I had a cough or a cold, my face would be shoved into a pillow, or I'd get slapped for not staying quiet. My siblings weren't spared either—even my baby brother once nearly suffered from shaken baby syndrome because of it.
After moving in with my gran, my life turned around for the most part. At this time, I had moved to the last primary school I would attend before high school. Due to a particular situation when I was 11-12, which I may or may not go into later, I was under a compulsory supervision order with my gran, meaning I was legally in her care. Combined with prior trauma, high school wasn't easy for me, made worse by my undiagnosed autism at the time.
During my last two years of primary school, I joined the Sea Cadets on Wednesdays from 6 PM to 10 PM. It was a fantastic time and an escape from my life. I loved water and always felt safe and at home in it. We covered many things there, from first aid to survival skills, boat maintenance, and how to operate different types of sea vessels. It also gave me discipline and reinforced my respect, where my mother had failed.
After starting high school, I left the Sea Cadets due to time commitments and because I was getting too old for it. I considered moving to the Air or Army Cadets but decided to get into football and parkour instead, as well as picking up stunt scootering at the skate park.
From ages 11 to about 14 or 15, most of my time was spent outdoors—on walks, in abandoned buildings, fishing, swimming, or at the skate park. After that age, I still went out but not often, unless I was skipping school. The rest of the time, I stayed locked in my room, escaping into video games.
I attended high school with pretty good attendance in the first year, minus a few illnesses. But after the second half of my second year, I started skipping school. From then until my fourth year, I only attended about a quarter of my classes—specifically computing, physical education, English, history, modern studies, and later physics, music tech, and biology.
After high school, at 16, I went to college to study computing with digital media, aiming for qualifications to become an ethical hacker. I managed to progress to my second year and a half before COVID hit, which threw everything I had been working toward and my goals out the window, as it did for the rest of the planet.
This is a brief breakdown of my early years so far. I definitely plan on coming back to update or add to this, but this is my first time properly doing something like this. If you find this idea interesting and would like to follow along, feel free to add it to your collection and comment with questions or suggestions on what you'd like me to write about.