The first thing Bazook saw was a grinning molar the size of a couch. It hovered ominously above the entrance to Smilecore Prime, the galaxy's most aggressively enthusiastic mega-dental clinic, orbiting Sector 44-GUM like a smiling parasite. Bazook muttered, "I miss bullets," as he stepped through the peppermint-scented airlock.
Inside, holographic posters screeched slogans like "Floss Hard or Die Screaming!" and "Tooth Decay Is TREASON." Robotic hygienists zipped past, flossing strangers and issuing cavity citations. Deborah 7.1 chimed in, "Captain, according to my analytics, your bicuspids are trending among molar fetishists on Planet Chewlaska."
Bazook grunted. Carlton Zorp, already wearing an apron labeled Emotional Support Patient, attempted a stand-up set about gingivitis trauma. He was immediately tranquilized by a jellybean-shaped dental assistant named Drillie, who hummed lullabies in ultrasonic frequencies.
Dr. Mandible entered—a mint-scented alien with eighteen arms, all holding different forms of floss. His smile was wide. Too wide. "Captain Bazook," he hissed, "your emotional rot begins in the gums."
Bazook was strapped to the Chair of Truth™—a device that simultaneously cleaned teeth and exposed subconscious regrets. As it scraped, it revealed Bazook's childhood crime: stealing a classmate's retainer during recess and framing a hamster. Carlton, semi-conscious, whispered, "That explains everything…"
Suddenly, an x-ray panel burst into song. Vicki the Croissant had hacked it to stream gluten propaganda, but the panel resisted—falling in love with Carlton's bicuspids mid-download. "Your enamel sings to me," it whispered.
In Bazook's mouth, chaos escalated. A cavity opened—a literal cave—housing a micro-civilization of plaque-worshipping aliens who hailed Bazook as their Decay Deity. Bazook attempted diplomacy by offering sugar-free gum. The plaque people called it heresy.
Negotiations ended when Carlton, now fully awake and disturbingly inspired, recited a poem titled Floss Me Twice Before I Sleep. The aliens wept. Peace was declared. Bazook was crowned with a temporary gold molar shaped like a goose.
As Bazook exits, Drillie offers a lollipop laced with existential dread. Deborah uploads the footage as an NFT titled "Captain, Interrupted." Vicki retreats, smiling strangely.
Back on the ship, a message crackles through: toaster zealots believe Bazook's newly crowned molar is holy. Carlton begins sketching blueprints for a cathedral shaped like a spoon.
Bazook sighs, "I just wanted a cleaning."