Lonnie stepped into her empty apartment. It was 6 on this Monday evening and she just finished a shift. "I'm home!" She said to no one in particular. She tossed her keys in the bowl she uses as a key holder and passed the photograph next to it. She still couldn't see them. It's been three years and she still couldn't see their faces…it started with her grandma and then her grandpa. She couldn't remember their laughter or voices.
As she entered the living room out of the small hallway her phone received a text, startling her. She could never handle such a feeling. It always set off her anxiety. On her phone's screen was a million discord notifications and the top ones were text messages. Her mom and dad. She swiped left and cleared the notifications. They texted every once in a while, and phone calls would maybe last twenty or thirty minutes with mom, meanwhile dad…well let's just say they never made it to a minute.
For a second old memories stirred, and her skin burned. Parents…family…love…she never understood such things. Up until a couple of years ago her world was her grandparents. They'd say jump and she'd say how high. Anytime she went out with them she would eye strangers expecting the worst from them, like a guard dog. Lonnie never quite got what she needed from her grandparents, acceptance about who she was…their grandson having been the one to be ingrained in their hearts and memories. So much so that who Lonnie was now, as their granddaughter they couldn't fully grasp the concept. It's already set that the family line won't continue through her. She cried and eventually accepted it, it was her choice, and back then she didn't want to waste another second of not transitioning.
The summer sun still shone in her apartment casting shadows on the walls. She lay down on her couch staring at the ceiling. Admittedly she felt the urge to cry. She hated being alone. When her grandparents passed she imagined, "This'll be it for me. I'll get off this bus called life with them." She didn't. She couldn't. Others pulled at her to stay. She was tired and wondered if she was selfish for wanting to die or if her friends and family were the selfish ones.
She never asked and didn't feel it should be mentioned to her therapist. Still…things just never felt good. Never felt like she was in the right place. She always wished for a big red button with a circular arrow and the words 'undo' underneath it. She'd press it in a heartbeat. Too bad this wasn't an anime or book.
Finding work was hard…becoming an adult even harder. Lonelier even. "What's so great about being an adult? I'm alone twenty-four hours a day and seven days a week. Over the next several years I have more funerals to go to, till one day I won't even be awake anymore. How many more stops does this bus called life have? How many more people will I see step off it?" Lonnie spoke allowed to herself. Tears flowed, she was used to this, crying daily. She got better to the point that her sobbing wouldn't rack her body uncontrollably like it did in the past.
Eventually, she sat up. She reached for the tissue on her coffee table and wiped her eyes. Before it got any darker, she decided to get her lights on. She hated the dark, it felt unnatural, nothing like the night in the world outside her little bubble she called her apartment.
Lonnie went to the small kitchen she had and boiled water. She didn't get hungry like she did as a kid anymore. Ever since starting antidepressants her appetite lessened and lessened. Maybe it was a sign that she never needed to eat as much as she did back then. Still, she prepped what worked as an easy meal for her, a single seafood cup of noodle ramen cup.
As she waited, let's say eleven minutes (eight for the water to boil and three for the ramen to cook) she responded to messages she had on her phone. A quick response to her parents, her dad was most likely asleep in bed with his wife (She's nice and has tried hard to at least be like a friend), and honestly her mom was probably asleep now too. Is it really that normal for adults to sleep around the time little kids with a curfew sleep? Guess nothing much changes like little kids think things will be like when they become adults.
Finally, she turned to the real challenge, her discord and other forms of social media. Interpersonal relationships…friends. It was hard to always be there. Still, talking with others was better than being stuck with my thoughts or reading books or binge-watching the same anime for the millionth time. Still, I pondered who I should prioritize. My best friend or a group of friends. Or maybe chat with a bunch of strangers. I could do late-night karaoke like I'd used to with rando's back when I was in high school and when I started college. I could game with someone, ask if they wanna listen to music or watch a show or movie. I could do several things before I went to sleep. (Normally being alone is something I'm fine with, but it just feels like that time of the year.)
Eventually, Lonnie went and grabbed her ramen and a fork. She then returned to her couch, still debating whether to be social or not. The latter won out. She was tired and decided being alone was fine. She turned on her TV and instantly pulled up Netflix and began to re-watch an anime. She struggled though…Blue Period? Frieren? One Piece? Blue Box? Black Clover? Full Metal Alchemist: Brotherhood? Delicious in Dungeon? Your Lie in April? "Ughhhhhhhh!" She groaned in frustration. All these were favorites of hers. Lonnie sighed. "Well…so much for an oldie and a goodie…especially when I've watched these so many times I have the lines of characters memorized…I also squeal in excitement every time I get an actor's name right…Travis Willingham voicing Colonel Roy Mustang is just so awesome! I still can't believe Sakamoto from Sakamoto Days was voiced by Matt Mercer!"
Eventually, Lonnie managed to settle on Little Witch Academia. She sighed, "Akko…such a bright little dummy…why do you sparkle?" Her ramen cooled during the anime crisis of 2025. Escapism proved harder the older she got. Once upon a time, it was her greatest tactic for getting through life. She'd escape the trauma and memories of the past by entering into her books, playing with toys, or watching movies and TV. In high school, Lonnie would watch YouTube every second of every day (mainly Let's Plays and other types of videos. Sometimes it was the only way she managed to get to watch Anime) all while in class, at lunch, on the bus home, and while doing homework. It was even a morning ritual to wake up by watching a video and getting a good laugh out of it.
Lonnie turned her attention back to the TV, She had realized she was picking up where she left off in Little Witch Academia. She couldn't remember when she last watched it, nonetheless, she did get pretty far for the fact that she was picking back up on episode twenty. She half paid attention, as this episode was a sort of serious one, about Diana having to grow up fast and take over as the head of her family, or at least try to. It's a good series nonetheless, "Still…I prefer my fantasy not to hold too many real-life moments…then again this series is a what-if the world had magic and slowly lost it over time and science rose to the forefront. It is almost like the world, only…hmm… maybe three decades before I was born…only cause of how old things seem…then again they had tablets and smartphones? Idk."
Lonnie turned attention back to the screen, Diana caring for Akko after she was poisoned by the snakes her aunt conjured. "Well…Diana has shown she hates owing someone for helping her. She always pays her debts."
About an hour and a half passed, an empty cup a noodles and an empty container of Ben and Jerry's ice cream later, Lonnie lounged on her phone. "Welp, Little Witch Academia was good, but the ending always feels so…rushed. Oh well."
"Anime Crisis part two…do I start over or watch something else?" Lonnie said aloud, filling the silence of her apartment. "Huh…I never realized how much I try to fill the silence. Well…" She tapped her phone's screen and noted that only an hour had passed. "Welp where Netflix fails me, CrunchyRoll saves the day! To bed!" Lonnie got up off her couch, turned off the lights, and went to her bedroom, after double-checking that the apartment door was locked. She got comfy under the covers, even during summer she loves to feel warm while sleeping, opened up Crunchyroll on her phone, and played The Apothecary Diaries, thanks to Crunchyroll she had access to the first and second season now. Feeling cozy and content she paid attention to the historic fiction anime and closed her eyes, causing her hearing to be her strongest sense. Still, she enjoyed listening cause she could imagine everything the characters do by memory. It's just as beautiful and fun as dreaming of just imagining things. It always made the dark less scary.
Still Lonnie slowly drifted off to sleep, the sounds of the anime on her phone was filled in by her own soft breathing. Out like a light they say.