I cannot fathom the thoughts of a person who sees me. Disgust, anger, joy, sadness. I wonder which one they feel when they see my face smiling at them. This facade of happiness, I forever dedicate to whomever is around, seems to crumple when there is no one around. The love I have for others seems to dissipate whenever I'm alone, I don't know when it started, I don't know why I ended up like this, I am alone, even if I'm surrounded by these "humans". I have been fooling myself so much to the point where I found myself lying about the food I ate this morning just to seem entertaining to others so they won't leave me. Yet even when I do all these actions to be accepted, there always seems to be a barrier that separates me from all the normal people out there. No matter how hard I try I never seem to fit in with what everyone calls normal.
No amount of loving, no matter what amount of remorse or sympathy I have for others, I seem to always lack for myself. Long are the nights that I stare at the stars and cry, for they seem to be the only ones to notice and know what I am like, even if I myself lost track years ago.
I seem to look as much as a human as the next person, yet I seem to lack the commitment and joy one has. I have played the games, I have read the books, watched the movies, yet still I relate to no one. Not even 30 years old yet already lacking the will to live, Pathetic, aren't I?
What else can I utter in order for you to understand the sorrow I feel whenever I see a group of friends laughing and talking about things they like as I forever need to understand that I cannot be a person who can talk about my joys like that, because to be frank, I have none.
I adjust myself to each person I know, to each person, I have a different favorite, a different personality… And at some point I lost track, I had taken much too many steps forward and when I chose to look back I realized that the steps were no longer there, only then did I realize that every step I took was temporary, the joy, the sadness, the love was something that couldn't be permanent for me, I seem to have changed each step I took forward , and every time I took one step, I lost track of the last. Forever cursed to move forward towards nothing because there is nothing to look back to, yet no destination to look forward to.
I became much too bitter and untouchable to others, forever craving affection and care yet I shudder at the thought of someone actually caring for me. I have been lost in drought for so long, that even the mere thought of water touching me, has made me shiver and wallow.
Seemingly, I am always running from something, may it be the past, or the future, or even the present. I seem to always be running. At some point it will catch up to me, the sorrow and pain I will feel when that day comes will be unimaginable, I know, yet I cannot muster the courage to face it head on. I am growing less and less attached to life and If I keep going, I think I'd finally disappear, only then will I know what It's like to be human, for as long as I live I cannot truly be one.