You have reached the final floor: The Nightclub of Existential Dread.
Dress Code: None. Morality Optional. Mortality… negotiable.
The doors swung open like the jaws of hell had been leased to a Miami DJ.
Strobe lights blared. Fog machines choked the air. The music? A pulsating remix of screams, Gregorian chants, and "Sandstorm" by Darude. It was so loud it dislodged one of Galrik's baby teeth.
A flaming banner arched across the entrance:
"WELCOME TO THE VOID, PARTY ANIMAL."
We stepped inside.
It was packed. Hundreds of dungeon rejects, spectral failures, and possibly dead influencers were grinding under neon lights. Skeletons danced in cages. Vampires mixed cocktails of blood and Red Bull. A sad-looking slime was trying to flirt with a wall.
Lilith gagged. "What is this?"
Mister Fog handed her glowsticks. "Coping. In bass."
Galrik, now wearing shutter shades and nothing else, screamed over the music: "I THINK THIS CLUB IS RUN BY DEATH ITSELF."
He was right.
Because behind the turntables, spinning records made of gravestones, stood the final boss:
DJ Nihil, Lord of the Beat Drop.
Vibe Check: Imminent.
He wore a velvet cloak, glowing headphones, and a face that was just a mirror reflecting your deepest regret. His fingers tapped pure nihilism into the air.
"Welcome, last partygoers," he said, voice laced with 1,000-yard stares. "Are you ready to dance your insignificance into the dirt?"
A trap beat dropped so hard the ground cracked.
Final Trial: Outdance the Pointlessness of Existence.
Rules: No quitting. No crying. No slow songs.
The floor split into a massive glowing dance arena—complete with fire cannons, judgmental goblins as judges, and a scoreboard labeled SOUL-FORCE™.
Galrik was already spinning on his head screaming, "I WAS BORN FOR THIS."
Lilith stepped up, cracked her neck, and summoned a clone army of herself doing synchronized twerking.
Mister Fog moonwalked into the void and somehow came back with a conga line of regrets.
I?
I stood frozen. A spotlight hit me. Everyone stopped.
DJ Nihil raised a brow. "Your move, avatar of average."
Panic. Existential dread. Stage fright. All of it came bubbling up—
And I let it out the only way I knew how.
I hit the worm.
Badly.
Like… it looked more like a dying fish trying to CPR itself.
But it worked.
The crowd gasped. DJ Nihil's jaw unhinged. Galrik started crying.
And from the ashes of shame rose…
Cringe Ascension.
Special Move Unlocked: The Flop of Acceptance.
I flailed. I dorked. I Naruto ran. I danced like a PE kid who didn't know what to do with their hands.
And my SOUL-FORCE™ bar shot to 999.
"WHAT IS THIS ENERGY?!" DJ Nihil roared.
I ripped off my shirt (accidentally) and screamed:
"I'M DANCING BECAUSE NOTHING MATTERS!
AND THAT'S LIBERATING!"
The floor exploded into rainbow fire. The bass turned into a whale scream. DJ Nihil clutched his chest.
"I… I… feel… joy…?"
Then he imploded into a rave of butterflies and depressive poetry.
A hush fell.
Final Boss Defeated: DJ Nihil.
You have conquered your existential dread… through interpretive cringe.
Loot Gained: The Beat of Self-Worth
Passive: You now resist despair by dancing.
A final portal opened, sparkling, glowing, dripping with promise.
We'd done it.
And on the other side… was freedom.
(Or something even worse.)
We limped through the final portal, still wearing glow-in-the-dark shame and the faint scent of metaphysical armpit.
The hallway beyond was white. Empty. Sterile, like a dentist's office in the middle of a midlife crisis. On the wall: one door. On the door: a sign.
"EXIT INTERVIEW – NO EXCEPTIONS."
"Absolutely not," Lilith said. "I've murdered gods. I'm not answering a damn questionnaire."
But the door opened itself anyway.
Inside was an office.
Not a fantasy office. A modern, cubicle-filled, beige-carpeted, soul-crushing office.
Fluorescent lighting hummed. A fern wept in the corner. A printer jammed endlessly in the background, printing pages that just said "WHY."
Behind a desk sat a middle-aged man in a polo shirt and a face that said "I've given up, but HR won't let me die."
"Welcome," he said. "I'm Craig. Final Administrative Overseer of the Dungeon of Emotional Disintegration. Please, sit."
We sat. Reluctantly.
Craig clicked his pen. "Let's begin."
"On a scale of one to 'deeply broken,' how would you describe your journey?"
"Traumatizing," I said. "I saw a man get folded by a sentient yoga mat."
"Excellent, excellent." He scribbled something.
Lilith crossed her arms. "What is this even for?"
"Just ensuring you're ready to leave. Post-dungeon protocol. We can't have you exiting without processing your experience."
Galrik raised a hand. "Does this affect our loot?"
"Absolutely. Your loot is directly correlated to your introspection score."
Mister Fog pulled out a notebook. "I regret nothing. Except trusting that goat on Floor Five."
Craig nodded. "Good. Regret means growth. Now, describe in one word what this dungeon taught you."
"Humility," I said.
"Violence," said Lilith.
"Love," said Mister Fog, holding up a rubber chicken.
Galrik blinked. "...What's a word?"
Craig smiled too widely. "Perfect. Now the final question…"
He leaned forward.
"Would you like to re-enter the dungeon… for prestige mode?"
All four of us screamed "NO!" so loudly the printer stopped jamming out of fear.
Craig sighed. "Very well. Processing exit…"
He hit a big red button labeled EMOTIONAL RELEASE and suddenly—
—the world unraveled.
We were lifted. Spiraling upward in a storm of memories and regrets and weirdly catchy dance remixes. Then—
LIGHT.
SILENCE.
FREEDOM.
I woke up.
Not in a dungeon. Not in a trap. Not being chased by clowns.
But in a bed. A real one. With pillows and everything.
The others groaned nearby. We were alive. Out.
And at the foot of the bed was a letter.
CONGRATULATIONS, SURVIVOR!
You have completed the Dungeon of Mandatory Therapy™.
You are now licensed to live your life… slightly better than before.
Use your trauma wisely. Dance freely. Cry responsibly.
Loot has been deposited in your trauma bank.
Please rate us 5 stars. Or don't. That's fine too.
– Love, The Dungeon
I lay back in bed, stared at the ceiling, and whispered:
"Never again."