# Divine Comedy and Terrible Life Choices
Ivan's first thought upon regaining consciousness was that death had surprisingly good lighting. Soft, ethereal beams filtered through what appeared to be crystalline clouds, creating the kind of ambiance that interior designers charged fortune for and never quite achieved. His second thought was that the melodious laughter echoing around him sounded distinctly... unhinged.
"Oh my stars and cosmic dust!" a voice giggled with the kind of mirth usually reserved for people who had just witnessed someone slip on a banana peel. "That has got to be the most gloriously ridiculous death I've seen in centuries! Running a red light in Accra traffic—honestly, the poetry of it!"
Ivan blinked, his vision clearing to reveal a figure that defied every religious artwork he'd ever seen. The goddess—and she was obviously a goddess, what with the whole floating-in-space-surrounded-by-twinkling-lights thing—looked like she'd stepped out of a cosmic fashion magazine. Her skin shimmered with stardust, her hair flowed like liquid silver, and her eyes held the depth of nebulae. She was also, Ivan noted with some concern, wiping tears of laughter from those cosmic orbs.
"I'm sorry," she said, still chuckling, "but the irony is just delicious. You spent your last moments cursing traffic, and then—WHAM!—eliminated by someone else who was equally tired of traffic. It's like a philosophical joke that writes itself!"
Ivan sat up—or rather, his consciousness assumed what felt like sitting up, since he was fairly certain he no longer possessed a corporeal form. "Are you... are you the goddess of death? Because if so, your customer service needs work."
She laughed harder, a sound like silver bells being shaken by someone having a mild seizure. "Death? Oh honey, no. I'm Seraphina, Goddess of Ironic Twists and Cosmic Humor. Think of me as the universe's comedy writer, except my jokes have actual consequences." She wiped her eyes again. "And you, sweet Ivan, just delivered my best material in decades."
"Wonderful," Ivan muttered. "I'm dead, and my demise is entertainment for a divine being with questionable taste in comedy."
"Not just dead—spectacularly dead! With style points!" Seraphina clapped her hands together like an overenthusiastic theater critic. "But here's the thing, darling. Your death was so perfectly absurd that I'm feeling generous. Reincarnation time! Back to the wheel of life you go!"
Ivan's metaphysical heart sank. "Let me guess—back to another traffic-filled nightmare? Maybe as someone who drives a taxi in Lagos during carnival season?"
"Well, normally I'd send you back as a human, probably in an even more traffic-congested city—Mumbai during monsoon season was my first thought—but you look so thoroughly traumatized by the whole vehicular experience that I'm curious. What would you prefer?"
This was not a question Ivan had expected to contemplate in his afterlife. He rubbed his non-existent chin thoughtfully. "Anything but human. Anything that doesn't have to deal with traffic, cars, or the daily commute of urban hell."
"Ooh, specific requests! I love it when mortals get creative." Seraphina's eyes sparkled with mischief. "Animal it is! But since I'm feeling particularly whimsical today, and because your death genuinely made my millennium, I'm going to be absurdly generous."
She waved her hand, and suddenly Ivan was surrounded by floating scrolls covered in glowing text. "Twenty skills, my dear departed comedian! Twenty abilities to help you navigate your new life as a creature of the wild. Though I should mention," she added with a grin that suggested she was about to drop some cosmic fine print, "you're not going to your old world. Too boring, too much traffic. You're going somewhere much more interesting."
"Define interesting," Ivan said warily, because he'd learned that when divine beings used that word, mortals usually ended up regretting their life choices.
"Fantasy world! Magic, monsters, adventures, the whole traditional package. Think of it as your old world's more exciting cousin—the one who travels the world and has interesting stories at family dinners."
Ivan stared at the scrolls floating around him. Each one pulsed with different colored light, and he could somehow sense their contents without reading them. "And the catch is?"
"Catch? Me? Never!" Seraphina's innocent expression was about as convincing as a politician's campaign promises. "Though I should mention that the fantasy world comes with its own special challenges. Dragons, for instance. And demon lords. Oh, and occasionally the gods meddle in mortal affairs for entertainment purposes."
"You mean like what you're doing right now?"
"Exactly like what I'm doing right now! You're learning already." She gestured to the scrolls. "Now, shall we see what skills you've been blessed with? Or cursed with, depending on your perspective."
The first scroll unrolled itself: **Apex Mimicry** - *Ability to perfectly copy the physical form and innate abilities of any creature observed for sufficient time. Warning: May result in identity confusion and embarrassing transformations at inappropriate moments.*
"Oh, that's a fun one!" Seraphina clapped. "You can literally become other animals. Perfect for someone who wants to avoid being human!"
Ivan read on: **Skill Absorption** - *Capacity to gain the learned abilities of creatures and beings through observation and interaction. Note: Does not include personality traits, memories, or their questionable life choices.*
"And that one pairs beautifully with the first! You can not only look like other creatures but learn what they know. It's like the ultimate identity theft, but legal!"
The remaining skills unfurled in rapid succession:
**Enhanced Survival Instincts** - *Supernatural awareness of danger, predators, and which berries will kill you*
**Accelerated Learning** - *Ability to master new skills at 10x normal speed, because life's too short to spend decades learning things*
**Universal Communication** - *Understanding of all languages, including the subtle art of animal body language and the complex emotional spectrum of plant rustling*
**Adaptive Camouflage** - *Natural ability to blend with surroundings, useful for hiding from both predators and awkward social situations*
**Enhanced Physical Conditioning** - *Strength, speed, and endurance beyond normal animal limitations, because average is boring*
**Magical Resistance** - *Natural immunity to most magical effects, particularly useful in a world where wizards have anger management issues*
**Regenerative Healing** - *Accelerated recovery from injuries, though regrettably does not extend to emotional trauma*
**Heightened Senses** - *Perception abilities that make normal senses seem like they're operating through fog*
**Pack Leadership** - *Natural ability to organize and lead groups of creatures, because someone has to be in charge*
**Territory Mastery** - *Instinctive understanding of land, resources, and the best places to build a lair*
**Emotional Intelligence** - *Ability to read and influence the emotions of others, handy for both making friends and terrifying enemies*
**Resource Management** - *Supernatural efficiency in utilizing available materials and energy*
**Strategic Thinking** - *Enhanced tactical and long-term planning abilities, because winging it only works in comedies*
**Elemental Affinity** - *Basic connection to natural forces like fire, water, earth, and air*
**Intimidation Mastery** - *Ability to project an aura of menace that makes others reconsider their poor life choices*
**Stealth Expertise** - *Moving unseen and unheard, perfect for avoiding both danger and unwanted conversations*
**Combat Instincts** - *Hardwired fighting knowledge that activates during conflicts*
**Environmental Adaptation** - *Ability to quickly adjust to new climates and terrains*
**Luck Enhancement** - *Subtle manipulation of probability in your favor, though it doesn't work on lottery tickets*
Ivan stared at the list, feeling overwhelmed. "This is... a lot. Are you sure you're not compensating for something? Like maybe feeling guilty about laughing at my death?"
"Guilty? Darling, I'm a goddess. We don't do guilt—we do cosmic justice with a side of entertainment." Seraphina waved dismissively. "Besides, you'll need every advantage you can get. The fantasy world isn't exactly known for its traffic safety, but it makes up for it with much more creative ways to die."
"Reassuring," Ivan muttered. "So what exactly am I being reincarnated as?"
"Ah, well, that's where we get to the fun part!" Seraphina's grin widened. "Since you specifically requested to avoid human problems, I'm giving you options. You can start as any animal you choose, and with your mimicry skill, you can become virtually anything else later. Think of it as the ultimate career change program!"
Ivan considered this. "And I keep my human memories and personality?"
"Of course! Where's the entertainment value if you become a completely different being? You'll be Ivan the human consciousness in an animal body, trying to navigate a magical world with powers that would make superheroes jealous. The comedy potential is enormous!"
"I'm starting to think you chose me specifically because you knew I'd provide ongoing entertainment."
"Now you're getting it!" Seraphina laughed. "So, what'll it be? A majestic eagle soaring above all earthly concerns? A cunning wolf leading a pack? Oh! Or maybe a dragon? I could probably arrange a small dragon. They're terribly impressive."
Ivan thought about his years of sitting in traffic, the endless frustration of urban life, the daily grind of human civilization. Then he looked at his list of abilities and felt something he hadn't experienced in years: excitement.
"You know what? Surprise me. But make it something that definitely, absolutely, never has to sit in traffic."
Seraphina's laughter echoed through the cosmic space like the universe's most amused thunder. "Oh Ivan, you beautiful, naive soul. You have no idea what you've just signed up for. But I promise you this—whatever else happens, it's going to be infinitely more interesting than rush hour in Accra."
She raised her hand, and Ivan felt himself beginning to dissolve, his consciousness preparing for the journey to a new world and a new form. His last coherent thought was a prayer that whatever he became, it would at least have better transportation options than a Honda Civic with broken air conditioning.
"Welcome to your new life, Ivan!" Seraphina called out as reality shifted around him. "Try not to die too quickly—I'm looking forward to the sequel!"
And with that encouraging send-off, Ivan tumbled through the cosmic void toward his second chance at existence, armed with twenty extraordinary abilities and the fervent hope that fantasy worlds had better traffic management than modern cities.
After all, how dangerous could a magical realm possibly be?