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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 5: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-5
xXVoid_CowboyXx: Armsmaster is uch a jerk!
GStringGirl: i refuse to believe! he is always so nice on tv
xXVoid_CowboyXx: Poor, sweet, naïve, stupid GStringGirl. He made fun of my singing!
I put my phone into my pocket, then into my inventory. She would never understand the pain I feel, maybe one day when we'd finally hang out I'd introduce her to Armsy and he'd insult her outfits colour coordination. But until then, she couldn't begin to comprehend even one iota of my suffering.
"Do you think I could be an idoru, Taylor?" I queried pensively.
She didn't look up from her school work, I'd already done mine of course. It was trivially easy with my now genius levels of INT. Of course, her seventeen wasn't bad even though mine was totally better even before I got powers fucking suck it!
"Do you think I could be an idoru?" I asked again.
She sighed, "What's an Eyedooroo, Greg?"
"A book. Also the engrish pronunciation of idol. What do you think of my singing voice?"
Taylor glanced up at the clock, "I've never heard it."
"We should do karaoke! Sparky, you're in a band, I could totally be your new front man! Whatdya say fam, wanna be a rockstar?"
"I don't do 'rock'," he said, voice muffled against his arms as he tried to have his customary third nap of the day.
"Grunge metal is pretty much just Rock though."
"Ooh," Sparky exhaled through his teeth. "Not getting into that."
I kept trying to speak but he kept interrupting me by saying "nuh."
"Fine," I scorned him. "Taylor and I will make our band and then we will get all the cocaine and," my voice cracked. "Groupies."
Sparky made an over exaggerated voice crack without looking up, he was mocking me!
"Whatever, see if I ever invite you to karaoke again."
He did the squeaky voice thing again. I whined but he kept doing it. I whined to Taylor, and he still did not let up.
First Colin, now Sparky? Was I to be betrayed at every turn? Would Taylor be next, a heinous villain in disguise?
"Don't do crimes," I told her sagely, causing her to spiral off into a deep contemplation which is why she didn't answer me.
I sighed. Out of all my many friends so few of them were chatty sorts of people, it was kind of a shame sometimes that I had to make up the difference all day. Eventually class ended and we all spilled out into the hall, where one of my friends who actually initiated conversations even if he was terrible at keeping them going greeted me.
"Hey Greg, you still retarded?"
That was Big Cal, he was pretty big. And also a Nazi. Observe told me his dad wanted him to find kids of genuine Aryan blood so every time we passed each other in the halls he made sure to check.
"One hundred precent medical grade retard!" I smiled and pointed at myself with a thumb.
Big Cal snorted and waved goodbye, disappearing into the throng of students.
Poor social skills, that guy.
Anyway, I had a job to be at.
I hastily wiped a fingerprint smudge from my visor. The visor of my new Hero uniform. Yes, it was doubly official now that I, Greg Veder, was a Hero. Mmm, so good.
Mostly a grey skintight bodysuit of some weird leatherish fabric, with bright gold armguards and a strip of scarlet for a sash around my waist. Plus I got those sick ass Tabi boots, some fucking real ninja shit.
I ran my gloved hand through my freshly cut hair, apparently according to the PR team I couldn't go out in public 'looking like a yellow mop' so they gave me some generic trendy do; like a normie would have.
Whatever.
Today, today I would finally get to meet other heroes. A lesser man might have been nervous, but not I. I was Dark Smoke Puncher, the terror, the night, the end.
"Aight G," I burst from the changing room. "Lead the way."
Jeffery the Intern who I wasn't allowed to tell anyone he was Commander in Chief of the Militiamen led on. After a very smooth elevator ride, I saw my first hero waiting for me. I knew him, of course, Triumph had been in the Wards for years; now let's see…
Rory Christner, lel. Sonic Manipulation, cool cool, healing very nice. Used to play baseball until HIS FATHER BOUGHT HIM POWERS IN A FUCKING BOTTLE!
New quest 'There is no spoon'!
Never in your wildest dreams could you imagine one of your favourite forum griefing tactics turned out to be real. Investigate the mystery behind who is selling powers in a bottle.
Success: 10, 000xp, 1 perk point
Failure: Death
"OOOOOOH!" I ran at him. He flinched back in shock and brought his hands up defensively. "I've been waiting for evs to finally meet one of you guys!"
Yeah, I mean I didn't want to die.
"Oh, hey yeah that's ok," Rory held out his hand which I vigorously shook. "So I can see you know who I am, and I've been briefed on you. Our teammates only know we're getting a new guy, why don't we go in and introduce you?"
"That is literally the only reason I'm here."
"Righto," the visible portion behind Rory's lion mask creased. "Thanks for bringing him, Jeff."
On we walked.
"So today we've only got Kid, Vista and Aegis in," Rory continued. "Shadow Stalker's coming in soonish, I think."
"Very excellent," I bounced on the balls of my feet with every step. "Vista is my favourite! Is Shadow Stalker as mean as they say, will she insult me? Please tell me she will."
Rory looked down his nose at me in double decker disgust and confusion, "listen, Dark Smoke, if you harass any of the Wards you'll have me to answer to-"
"I would never!"
"You better not, 'cause I'm telling you now we don't tolerate any of that shit."
"I wouldn't!" I whined.
He sighed, "ok, make sure you don't. I'm sure you're just a bit excited to meet your heroes huh?"
"Yeah no shit!" I was back to bouncy steps. "I read about you guys every day, you're like, magic celebrities!"
We reached a big white Vault-tec looking door and Rory punched a big red button, prompting a harsh klaxon like buzz.
"So when you hear that and you don't have your mask on, it means you should get it on 'cause someone's coming in," Rory said as he opened the door and led the way inside.
A fairly basic, modern looking common room. Huge widescreen, three couches around it and seated upon these couches were some real G niggas.
Chris. Missy. Carlos.
My new homeslicies.
Rory opened his mouth to say something presumably superfluous but I was already trotting down the stairs.
"Hey!" I waved. "Hey guys, I'm Dark Smoke Puncher! I like coding, net browsing and anime and my favourite manga is Menma. My hobby is chugging three SIPS and gaming all night, lately I've been binging PROT it's pretty dope. Any of you guys play?"
There was a pause.
"No," said Carlos.
I wedged myself into the spot between Chris and Missy.
"Stop whatever it is you're doing right now and go buy it, I'll powerlevel you."
"I'm not really into games all that much," he said eventually.
I clicked my tongue and rolled my eyes, "either of you guys?" I looked to my left and right.
They made dissenting noises, but that was ok. Most people were lame and boring so I wouldn't hold it against them. Not everyone was a GStringGirl.
"So yeah," Rory walked down and sat himself in the empty couch. "This is Kid W-"
"As if I don't know that," I chuckled, wagging a finger.
"Right," Rory continued. "He has a power that tells him names. Real names, too, but-"
"Emily already made me sign a thing so I wouldn't tell," I put my visor from my head equipment slot to my inventory. "I'm Greg Veder, by the way. I figure you should know since I already know your names and tragic backstories."
"What do you mean by that?" Rory suddenly snapped, sitting rigid.
I guess it was a mistake to say that? Yeah probably, the Spoon quest did say if I fucked up I'd die, presumably from the same people who can give out superpowers sans trigger event. God that was so cool, all the times I made fun of Capes on PHO for not being able to skip the trigger where others had and it turned out to be true. God that wound them up so fast, so many flame wars, so many bans. Worth it.
"My trigger event for example," I continued as though I hadn't heard him. "Imagine; Lung and Dauntless are fighting a battle to the death and I was shoplifting from Gamestop when they crashed through the window, knocking me into a FFXIV display. I get up, and cleverly using the pilfered OXM discs as shuriken I drive Lung back out onto the street where-"
"You're lying," Missy cut me off. "None of that ever happened."
"Yeah, but I'm telling the story."
"I have Tinkering to do," Chris said, swiftly getting to his feet and scuttling towards one of the doors set into the walls.
"And I have homework," Carlos quickly followed suit.
"Same," Missy hopped to her feet.
"I can help," I called after them. "I'm very smart!"
I turned back to Rory who had his fingers through the gap in his lion helmet, massaging his eyes.
"Why?"
"They just said why," I told him helpfully.
He sighed heavily, "I suppose they did."
"So," I bounced in my chair. "When does Shadow Stalker get in?"
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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 6: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-6
"Alright you panty sniffing little creep. You keep your mouth shut, I'll lay off Hebert and we'll go out once," Sophia ground out.
New quest 'An unforgettable luncheon'!
You've got a hot date, son, but can you stick the landing? Take Sophia Hess out for a pleasant lunch.
Success: 1000xp, 1 perk point, increased reputation with Sophia Hess
Failure: Why would anyone expect any better?
I shook my head at the memory.
XxVoid_CowboyxX: girls are weird lmao
For some reason she thought I wasn't ironically blackmailing her into going out with me, but she agreed to it so it was my win. I was going to turn her in but… not my fault she couldn't tell when people were kidding.
GStringGirl: are we now? Why?
XxVoid_CowboyxX: goot a date with Shadow Stalker via accidental blackmail, she's really bad at teling when people are joking
GStringGirl: I require proofs!
GStringGirl: What did you blackmail her iwth?
XxVoid_CowboyxX: she totally bullies my friend at school, I didn't even realise until my power told me! But im keeping the good stuff for later, did you know she killed a guy?
I put my phone away and took a bite of mum's delicious lasagne.
"Guess what," I said.
"You shot the sheriff, but you didn't shoot the deputy," mum slobbered out around a mouthful of dinner.
"No."
"Is this about your haircut?" Dad asked. "Because we noticed."
It did end up being a pretty snazzy do, "no."
"You pwnd some noobs in your game? Like some level thirty full mithril noobs"
"Even better." Not that it got much better than JUSTing scrubs.
Dad twizzled his beard thoughtfully, "Miss Militia gave you a high five."
"I wish, but no. Better." I relished a grin. "I got a date with Shadow Stalker."
They both made identical, synchronised expressions of surprise.
"Good shit," mum fist bumped me across the table. "Aim high."
"You dog," dad offered his own fist for me to bump. "Taking after your old man, you know I was quite the stud back in the day. Why, my first girlfriend turned out to be Iron Rain."
I gaped, "I thought you said mum was your first girlfriend!"
He winked and I saw mum out of the corner of my eye throw her knife and fork over her head from behind her back. I Observed her just to be sure.
Ninety nine percent they were having me on.
"But yeah, Stalker's pretty hot and totally tsuntsun."
"I don't know what that means," dad said as he handed mum back her cutlery. "But good for you, son. Actually, try and delay so your first date is on your birthday that way next year you can get the best present."
Mum giggled hysterically as my ears caught fire, imagination in overdrive. I mean, we had the internet so I knew what was possible.
"That's genius!" My parents didn't have twenty INT apiece for nothing. Whereforth would my own genius have sprung if not for them?
Dad gazed upon me with a feverish eye and identical burning ears, "I've never been so proud."
I couldn't help it, I started crying. "H-hai, tou-san!"
Even mum was blushing scarlet.
"I love you two," she sighed, hand on cheek, fork in mouth.
I decided now was the time to drop the bomb I'd been sitting on.
"Also I got us IP banned from PHO again."
"What made you think it was ok to say this?" Jen the Media Relations Head hissed at me for perhaps the dozenth time, hitting the playback button.
"Nigga!" the me on the screen said genially, shooting finger guns to an unseen second party.
"Why can't I call Vista 'my nigga'?"
She bit her tongue, "god we made the right choice doing a pre-trial run for your press appearance."
I flinched back, scandalised, "I thought this was live!"
"You though this was live and you still said all those things?!" she incredulously blurted.
"You said act natural!"
Her eyes bulged and she turned to furiously click to an earlier part of the video.
"-bby of mine is making crystal sculptures. Usually I get a penny in an old ice cream container and then fill it with one part bleach and two parts ammonia, then I get a crazy straw and blow oxygen onto the penny to activate the iron base. In fact you can do it at home, just remember to keep it under your bed-"
She paused the video. "You can't go on national television and trick people into poisoning themselves with chlorine gas!"
"It was a joke," I protested. "There's no way anyone would do it, I mean, who doesn't know that makes chlorine gas? That shit's been out for ever… actually, do you think if I actually poisoned myself I'd get poison resistance? I think so, but Armsmaster wouldn't let me."
She muttered something like 'maybe he should have'. "Most people don't know how to make chlorine gas, Dark Smoke-"
"Normies," I scoffed.
"Yes, normal people. If even one person poisoned themselves from that it would be your fault. And it would be our fault for giving you the platform to say it. Imagine if a child followed your instructions, ones they believed to come from a trusted source, and died."
"That would suck," I pouted a petulant moue.
Jen rolled her eyes, "at least I got the memo to test run this and we didn't have another Quicksilver incident."
"Aw shit, I shoulda thought of that! Quicksilver was hilarious."
Jen started rhythmically chewing on her thumbnail, scowling.
"But no, if we annexed Canada where would Dragon live?"
"You think of that before you consider you might trick someone into poisoning themselves?"
Was that bad? Was I autism?
"Yes."
"Are you having me on, Dark Smoke? When they handed me your case I thought they were taking the piss."
"I mean everything I ever say," I looked her dead in the eye. "Because I'm Dark Smoke Puncher."
Little did she know I didn't mean everything I said.
"Righto, we're done here," Jen stood up. "You obviously can't be let out in public to represent Us, we'll have to try again after you go through the full course of mandatory sensitivity training."
"But I don't need groupthink brainwashing sessions! I can be a Hero just fine by myself."
"You absolutely do."
I whined and made puppy dog eyes, "I don't! You can't tell me how to be!"
"We absolutely can," Jen crossed to the door and held it open for me. "If you want to be a public hero. Director Piggot gave me the final say in what help we needed to give you, and if you think for one second it was ok to trick people into poisoning themselves as a joke then by god you need all the help we can give."
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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 7: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-7
Quest 'A nice modern gentleman' complete!
Rewards: 750xp
You have gained the skill 'Acting'!
You have gained the skill 'Voice Mimicry'!
+1 CHA
I really don't think that was what they wanted me to understand with the whole sensitivity training tripe, but fake it till you make it was still a thing right? Not that I would. When I was but a young lad my mother had given me three pieces of advice I carried with me to this day.
Be yourself.
Be yourself, yourself.
Don't punch old Gypsy women.
She was also fond of saying that bitches ain't shit but ho's and tricks, but that was just a product of her poor taste in music. As far as I was concerned I had followed her advice to the letter.
"Dark Smoke Puncher," Armsmaster said curtly as he approached, getting my attention. "I hope you learned something."
"I did sir," I smiled. "Thank you for asking."
What little I could see of his expression curdled.
"Ah man!" I cackled, punching him good naturedly on the arm. "Don't worry bro, they didn't get me. I tricked them, see, on account of how smart I am."
Upon hearing this Armsmaster regained his smile, "you do realise that every time you make a fool of yourself in public you will have to retake the sensitivity training?"
I hadn't, that was unfair.
"So make sure you keep," he licked his lips sourly and made an encompassing gesture. "Yourself under wraps, or we're going to have to get you a handler."
"Heh," I thumbed my nose. "I can handle myself. Also I just got Acting and Voice Mimicry skills plus a CHA point."
Armsmaster hissed in pleased surprise, "congratulations. But please try to avoid developing any undue skills or we'll be in power testing for the rest of our lives. On a related note I've emailed your new exercise and diet regimen to your address, please be sure to keep all your appointments with the PRT employees who will be your PT's."
"Noooo! You never made anyone else do jogging!"
"This is an ongoing, mandatory part of your power evaluation, we have to find out if your claims are true."
"I never lie," I lied.
"I see. And on another related note, I have a 'quest' for you-"
"Ah!" I pointed to his new floating bright yellow exclamation mark. "The thing, you have the thing! What quest?!"
"What thing?"
"The Quest Giver exclamation mark," I mimed one floating above my own head. "It means you have a quest!"
"Excellent, I had hoped this would be the case. After your preliminary power testing I did some research into these RPGs you claimed a similarity with in the hopes of finding exploits. With this, Dark Smoke Puncher, if your claims of unending growth are true then I will make personally sure that under my instruction you fulfil your dream of joining the Triumverate." He placed his hand on my shoulder. "Now the quest is, 'Go and introduce yourself to the rest of the Wards team'."
New quest 'Hero team up!'
Make sure you make a good second impression!
Rewards: 100xp, increased reputation with Wards ENE
Failure: Decreased reputation with Wards ENE
"It worked it worked it worked!"
Armsmaster's lips curled into what he probably thought was a smile. I could relate, sometimes people said my smile was funny looking too.
"Ore wa kore hodo nagai ma matte imashita!" I bellowed in my best Sugita voice as I surveyed my bretheren from atop my lofty perch of five stairs higher than them.
Dennis, the guy who would no doubt appreciate my memes. Anyone who named themselves Clockblocker could be no casul.
Dean, banger of Glory Girl and proof that the rabbit hole went far deeper than anyone expected. Seriously, how many bought power capes were there?
I could feel my Acting as I DIO walked towards them, "hey guys, I'm Greg."
"They weren't lying," I head Dennis mutter to Dean. Clearly the others had told him of my greatness. "Hello Greg."
"We were just about to play a few rounds of Militia," Dean held up a PS4 controller. "You want in?"
"Hell yeah motherfucker!" I bounded forward and practically dived onto one of the empty couches. "I haven't played this since I ranked plat and it got too easy. What're we doing, kill for kill?"
"Sure," said Dean as he started up the game.
"Online multi? Is there a headset, I wanna see if chat's still the same."
"No," said Dean as Dennis said "Yes"
"Remember," Dean continued. "We lost it. And it would be a bad idea anyway since we're on the Wards account."
"Oh," said Dennis. "Oh, right yeah."
"I getcha," I tapped my nose. "I haven't even debuted yet, you guys would probably cop it if it got out I existed before they got to do all their PR crap."
Dean passed me the controller, "you go first, man."
I grinned, clicking the buttons and waggling the sticks. Usually I was PC master race so this might take a little getting used to again. The game started and I charged forward, forward, forward and immediately died as soon as the enemy came into view.
"How the fuck did that happen," I whined, handing off to Dennis. "We're in bronze. Whatever."
"Get good," he shrugged as he respawned.
I cackled. It was a normie meme, but the first I'd heard out of a mouth other than mine in a while.
It took another two rounds of not talking very much because my new bros kept shutting down my gamer bants to get my old skill back, and then some. The new DEX and INT were really showing their worth.
"Ok, bored now," I said as I executed the seventh seven twenty noscope of my third fifteen long kill streak. "Also you guys really suck, I can see why you were ranked bronze. Can we not get a new headset in, after this point its only fun to watch twelve year olds have a melt down and call you a niggerfaggot for a minute straight."
"Is that fun?" Dennis took back the controller after someone killed me with a lucky shot. "Fuck!"
Dean took over.
"Uh, sometimes."
"Weird, but yeah I'm over this too," Dean said as he just quit out of the game midway through the match before I could stop him."
"Dude, no, that totally tanks your score! Amateur hour shit like that is why you'll always be stuck in bronze!" I felt the fire of my old FPS obsession flare up once more. "You've always got to hustle for that chicken dinner, it's serious business."
"It's just a game, bro."
I gaped at the stupidity bursting forth from Dennis's mouth, the sheer unexpected idiocy. From him, the one Ward I expected to understand the struggle.
"And I suppose Scion is just Scion," I pontificated.
"Yeah."
Unbelievable, that such shit opinions could dwell in the hearts of bros. But not everyone could be GStringGirl, I'd long resigned myself to that fact; even if she did have some absolutely abhorrently shit opinions.
"Stay scrub-tier then," I pouted then immediately perked up as I thought of the best idea I'd ever had. "Hey Dean can you blast me with your power?"
Dean rubbed his mouth, "why? Also how did you know I could do that without my armour?"
"I'm best Thinker, also I want to see how our powers interact," I leapt to my feet and loomed over him. "C'mon, c'mon, c'mon, blast me with something good!"
"Well…" Dean cringed back as I loomed harder. "Ok, sit down, it's not like I've never blasted the others with it before."
I launched myself back into the couch, bouncing with excitement as Dean raised a hand, pointed at me, and a laser shot out. It tickled.
A wave of contentment washed over me, a zen peace. I slumped back, "bruh."
"So did it work?" Dean asked. "Whatever power thing you wanted to see?"
"Ma~an, nah," I stretched like cat in the sun. "Couple more times, hit me with a bad one this time."
Pchew!
I hated it.
"What the fuck is this," I hunched over, drawing my knees up and hugging them. "I don't like it."
"It was meant to be shame," Dean said.
"Is this what that feels like?"
You have gained +1 WIS!
"Aw this is real bad, hit me with another good one."
This time I giggled uproariously.
Then I wept.
You have gained the skill Resist Emotion Manipulation!
"Ok, stop stop it happened, I got the resist."
"The what?" asked Dennis.
"Resistance," I sniffled. "I gain resistances to damage and other people's powers when I get hit, so can you two do me, like, a favour? Just hit me with yours whenever?"
"Maybe, we'd have to ask Armsmaster."
"Oh," the sadness went as I had a happy thought. "You guys should have seen his face when I told him I was The Crawler of the Dauntless genre, he's a funny guy."
"You said that to his face?" Dean asked, aghast. "Why?"
"It was funny."
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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 8: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-8
"Why the fuck did you tell Dennis we had a date?" Sophia hissed, looming up at me.
I flinched back from her threatening accusatory finger each time it jabbed at my face, "He asked," I squeaked.
"And how did he know to ask?"
I warily eyed her finger lest it jab me for real, "he wanted to know if I had any chicks on the line, so I said 'Do I ever, you'll never guess who one of them is' and he said 'who?' and I said 'Sophia' and he said 'holy shit mother fucker, you must be game. How'd you manage that?' so I said-"
She punched me in the ribs, "if you don't keep your mouth shut they'll never find the body."
-1hp
"Mou," I pouted, cradling my no doubt fractured ribcage. "Fine, I get it; you're actually a yangire type."
"Fucking weeb," she spat and made a threatening punch gesture.
I ducked my head and scurried away back to the table where Missy, Dean, Carlos and I were playing poker. As I neared the table I defaulted to my confident, pussy slaying swagger; brushing imaginary dust off my shoulders.
She was so into me.
"Was Dennis having us on about you two going on a date?" Missy asked incredulously. "It looked like you were being mugged."
"She's just being tsun," I said sitting down and picking up my cards.
"He didn't lie," said Dean. "They do have a date… for some reason."
"It's 'cause I'm a chick magnet, right Vista-chan," I winked and shot her the Greg-Style finger guns.
Missy frowned, an expression like that of a sad muppet.
"No," said Carlos. "Also, Greg, stop cheating."
"Counting cards isn't cheating," I recoiled, scandalised. I protectively swept my large stack of play chips closer to me in case anyone started getting any funny ideas.
"Ok," said Dean, rolling his eyes. "That's why."
I harrumphed, "It's not! Besides, it's so easy I started doing it by accident, you try being this smart! I wasn't even using my actual Thinker power to read your hands, imagine being such a brainlet you can't even count cards."
"Just shut up and stop cheating, man," Carlos sighed and glanced at the clock as he had been compulsively doing ever since he asked if I wanted to play cards. Maybe he also had somewhere else to be?
"Maybe you should just git gud and stop being so salty you're being out-fucking-skilled," I grinned smugly. "It's a tale as old as time, some scrub decides to challenge me and gets butthurt when he loses. Man, you shoulda seen this MtG tourney I was in back when I played. So I was running a control deck to troll noobs back when nobody else figured out they were top meta and I just had complete lockdown on this guy and he kept slapping his forehead and going 'hmmmmr!' it was hilarious. Especially when I played Moat and he had absolutely no dispels left I though he was gonna legit flip the table-"
"Do you want the Shame Beam again?" Carlos threatened me out of insecurity of his lowly sixteen INT. "Because Dean can Shame Beam you if you don't shush."
My jaw snapped shut. Anything but the shame beam.
"Thank you."
Thank this, fucko, now I'll really start cheating-
"Can we play something else then?" Missy asked, throwing her hand onto the table. "I'm bored of this anyway."
"N-no!" I stammered. "I'll stop cheating, I promise!"
"So you were cheating," Missy j'accused.
"No! It's only cheating if you get caught," I wiped my sweaty palms on my jeans. "And since I told everyone my winning strategy that means I wasn't cheating since I wasn't caught."
Missy rolled her eyes and made some kind of wordless appeal to Dean. Yabai! I could tell she wasn't thinking I was cool, time for Plan B!
I equipped my full Dark Smoke Puncher uniform and blasted smoke, somersaulting backward over the couch in the resulting confusion.
"You'll remember this," I jeered through the smokescreen, activating Acting and Voice Mimicry. "As the day you almost caught Dark Smoke Puncher!"
And then I hoofed it out the door as fast as I could, I had places to be anyway.
"How the fuck," Carlos smushed his eyes and ran a hand through his hair. "How is he going to be the new Dauntless Plus?"
"At least it's over now, and Armsmaster said we wouldn't have to do it again," Missy commiserated. "I hope he never gets let out of PR training, going on patrols would be a nightmare."
"Dunno what you two are on about, I like him," Dean said absently, fiddling with something on his phone. "Real genuine guy."
"I guess so?" said Missy. "I mean…"
"It's hard to see without emotion sense," he agreed gallantly. "But he hasn't said a single word with malicious intent."
"…He's so annoying," Missy sighed.
"So annoying," echoed Carlos, leaning back into the couch and staring blankly at the ceiling.
"He is," Dean agreed again. "But he's a nice person, just give him a chance."
"Speaking of giving people chances," Carlos leant forward again, forearms resting on knees. "What did you see with him talking to Sophia?"
"Oh, yes, spill," Missy mirrored his posture.
Dean slid his phone back into his pocket, "I really don't know what to make of it. She absolutely hates him and is super embarrassed about the whole thing. He's terrified of her, when she's getting up in his face, but when he talks about it he's kinda, like, a kid in a candy store. They knew each other in civvies beforehand, so I guess… maybe it's complicated?"
"Who knows," Missy grinned. "Maybe they'll work and she can stop being such a bitch and he can stop being such an idiot."
"We can only dream," Carlos floated up and over toward the kitchen. "Anyone else want a can?"
"If you understood all of that, you may now pick up the pistol," Hana said, gesturing to it.
And I did understand, despite being distracted the whole lecture by her very pretty eyes, the way they squinched; you could feel the smile behind the scarf. Kirei na!
I fitted on my earmuffs, picked up the gun being careful not to touch the trigger, checked the safety to make sure it was on and took aim in the approved stance. Breathe in, safety off, breathe out and finger on the trigger.
Bang!
Yeah baby, clean shot right through at least part of the target!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
You have gained the skill 'Firearm mastery: Pistol'!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
"Yatta! That last one was actually in the outer ring! Plus I got a skill out of it," I carefully flicked the safety back on and placed the gun back on the counter, giving Hana a 1.21 gigawatt grin. "Feelin' real good about my life right now."
"Very well done," she returned my grin and clapped me on the shoulder. "And excellent adherence to safety protocol, now you can reload and try again."
The 'kyaa~' died in my throat, crushed by the rising excitement as I felt myself go pink. "T-thanks," I managed to say, picking the gun back up and reloading it from my inventory. Best power, probably better than observe. I mean yeah, I got a perfect assessment of someone's threat level when I observed them and how exactly their power worked, but I also had to read through their boring flavour text. The only flavour text I wanted to read was mine, and I couldn't.
I fired until my gun skill levelled up, fifty bullets exactly. From the outside it would have looked like I was doing a really good impression of Hana's power, seemingly never needing to reload on a nine round pistol.
"You're picking this up remarkably quickly," Hana said, taking her place in the firing booth. "It'll just be a matter of practice now. Make sure you listen to any more tips your shooting instructors give you, and in a few months we can do this again and you can show me how good you've gotten."
She gave me another one of those smiles and put a shot in the bullseye.
"Y-you too."
XxVoid_CowboyxX: Miss Militia is cute! I'm going to marry Miss Militia!
GStringGirl: would you really want to marry an old lady like her, cakes are no good after the 25th
XxVoid_CowboyxX: no memeing
GStringGirl: no memes? You must be serious!
XxVoid_CowboyxX: I have never been more so, I'll send you an invite to the wedding and when you turnt up Armsmaster can insult your outfits colour coordination
GStringGirl: Yeah, I'll be there for sure.
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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 9: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-9
With the power of PUA forums and Eroge on my side, I couldn't lose!
I had my aviators on. I had my leather jacket on. Toothpick in mouth. Wisdom of my Father thundering through my head.
Sophia approached, she was late. And seething if her Observe window was right. As she neared I executed The Manoeuvre; with my ring finger I pushed my sunglasses up onto my head and transitioned smoothly into running my fingers through my hair with a smouldering look.
I nodded upward, "sup, bitch?"
She turned on her heel mid stride and started walking back the way she came.
I watched her leave.
Why was she leaving? I did bad?
The Shame Feeling wormed its way up in my guts, something I did had been a mistake. At once I divined my folly; she didn't get I was kidding. This had happened before, with others. Once I had jokingly remarked to Brad that the reason for his outrageous bragging was that he was trying to impress us like we were his alcoholic father. Then he punched me in the mouth because he didn't get the joke was that I'd never met his dad and couldn't possible know that.
But hey, the only way to get better at jokes was to tell more of them.
"Wait!" I called out, breaking into a run after her. "Sophia, wait up! I was kidding!"
I caught up and walked beside her, "it was a joke, even though you are turbo bitchy I wouldn't call you that as a greeting; that's rude! So the obvious conclusion is that it was a joke! Please stop walking, you're going the wrong way for our date!"
She quickened her pace, forcing me into a trot.
"Come on, please stop, you can't leave as soon as you got here. I know you missed that me blackmailing you was a joke but this is too much, where's your sense of humour?! Please respond."
I followed diligently as she tried to escape, my pleas becoming increasingly impassioned but her heart was stone. I followed as far as the bus stop, mounting panic clutching at my heart. I was starting to think she really didn't like me.
"But I already bought tickets to the aquarium," my voice broke as she took the first step into her bus, tears breaking out of my eyes. She turned back just enough to glance at me, but it wasn't a kind expression. "It's my birthday."
She took her seat and the bus pulled away. Some guy also waiting laughed at me for striking out and I ran home crying.
My tears had subsided before I got there, I knew what was coming. I took a breath, steeling myself, and opened the door.
At once my parents bounded out of the living-room like a pair of dogs.
"You're home way too early," mum accused. "Gimme the deets, homie!"
"…shimatta," I mumbled.
"English," dad prompted gently.
I relayed my story, short as it was, to their mutual groans and face palms.
"I said cocky," dad patted me on the shoulder consolingly. "Not cockhead."
"It was a rookie mistake, but chin up Greggy," mum swept me into a hug. "We'll write out an apology for you to memorise so she knows you're sorry."
"Thanks," I said thickly, hugging her back. That was good, I clearly wasn't as good with on the spot improv as I thought so having a script would make sure my intentions were clear.
Now if only there were some way I could script an entire date…
"You know," I said conversationally. "The quest didn't fail, I think I still have a chance."
"With what?" Armsmaster asked as he tightened something on his monitoring equipment with a really weird looking screwdriver.
"Sophia, we had a date that I messed up but the quest for it didn't fail; it's still in my log."
"I'm afraid this conversation is inappropriate, between you and I, and as we are currently in a formal power testing situation-"
"I invoke the Ward-Protectorate Mentorship act," I said smugly. "I am in distress, I require advice."
Armsmaster stopped screwing and sighed, "of course you do. Fine. Tell me about it."
"So I think she hates me," I began. "She's always so mean, but yesterday she was late to our date and then she left as soon as she got there without even speaking to me. Get this, it was my birthday too! I'd already bought the aquarium tickets as well! At first I thought she was just being Tsundere, but there hasn't been any dere so far."
"My advice? Give up," Armsmaster fiddled with his various knobs and dials.
"Mou," I pouted. "You're no help, plus the quest is worth ten K and a perk point."
Armsmaster whipped around, "perk point? You need that for your Mana Control ability, I thi- No, you should give up. Workplace romances seldom go well, you'd likely just cause unwelcome friction between your team which will spawn more problems for everyone. It's best you just tell her you're no longer interested, and keep yourself busy with training until you forget her."
"I mean," I dithered. That was all very sound sounding advice, sasuga Twenty CHA Colin. But if I did that I'd have to dob her in for bullying Taylor and killing that guy because you should never welch on a deal. Promises were sacred, Menma taught me that.
"It's your choice but I strongly suggest you take the advice you asked for," Armsmaster finished touching up his device. "Now take this book, it's a compilation of every fighting style, trick and technique that makes up my own hand to hand style-"
"I can't learn it," I said the second my fingers touched the cover. "Oh, it's a prestige skill I need to do a quest apparently."
New quest 'Mastering Arms'!
The Shangri-La of CQC, Armsmaster has poured over a decade of concentrated autism into creating this fighting style and now he is passing it on to you.
Completion requires: 20 STR
20 DEX
20 VIT
20 INT
Skill level of 20 or greater in 5 fighting disciplines
Armsmaster's Skill Book
Success: 3000xp, increased reputation with Colin Wallis
Failure: Quest cannot be failed normally, must be manually aborted
Decreased reputation with Colin Wallis
Wow, ok. "This looks hard," I whined. "I need loads of stats and skills at twenty."
"I'll make the arrangements," Armsmaster snapped, handing me another book clearly identifiable as a first aid manual. "Now hold this in front of the sensors and don't use it until I say so."
I inventoried the fighting manual and took the first aid one, holding it in front of the various panels and wibbly bits of the monitoring machine while Armsmaster did some final configuring.
"Ready in three, two, one, now," he slashed a hand through the air.
I activated the book, it disappeared in a flash filling my mind with new concepts and possibilities and boy howdy was this a good skill; I could literally make people heal faster.
Armsmaster clicked his tongue and rattled his machine vigorously, "and you're sure you don't have any clue as to what energy type your power emits?"
"Still nothing being picked up?"
"Not a blip, besides picking up electromagnetic radiation only on the visible spectrum. Your power calls it 'mana' yes? We have to figure out if this is merely your subconscious providing a word or if you somehow can actually cast magic."
"Oh ho ho! It's magic, you know! Never believe it ain't so!"
"Stop singing," Armsmaster barked. "We have to figure out at the very least what this energy you produce is. You power is already unique in that in literally provides you with a written explanation of how it works mechanically in lieu of instinctive use, so it's imperative we discover if this energy is also wholly unique."
"Ok."
"Now go back to the PRT headquarters and actually do some exercise for once, you won't want to go into your training sessions with the troopers unprepared, I told them not to take it easy on you. We'll reconvene here in a week once I've put together a new sensory system."
"Of course!" I acted, hot footing it out of the lab. But it was jokes on him, I probably wasn't going to do any exercise at all.
I chatted to the lady who chauffeured me to the rig on our way back, but she kept insisting she needed to concentrate on driving. I swiped my phone out of my inventory and checked my messages.
GStringGirl: for the last time just turn SS in, ive read enough fanfiction to know this wont end well
It was a conundrum. On one hand she was bullying my friend and also killed a guy, on the other she was really hot.
XxVoid_CowboyxX: yeah maybe, but me and armsy figured out I'm actually like a wizard or something. Legit magic spells
Soon enough I was back at the PRT building, sauntering in in my DSP uniform past the security and into the Wards area. Chris sat on one of the couches, watching the Protectorate cartoon and eating a sandwich. That reminded me.
"Hey Chris," I bounded down to him. "Before I forget to tell you again your tinker speciality is modular equipment!"
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A daring synthesis by Ironypus
Books » Worm Rated: T, English, Adventure, Greg, Words: 194k+, Favs: 588, Follows: 677, Published: Aug 2, 2018 Updated: Mar 12, 2021
311Chapter 10: Fuck that gay wizard shit 1-10 interlude
3rd November, 2011- Armsmaster
"Your son has a problem, Mr. and Mrs. Veder."
Their faces slid from pleasantly interested to an expression that confirmed they knew exactly what he was talking about.
"This isn't just about him getting along with the other Wards, which he doesn't. Or correctly obeying orders, which he doesn't. It's his flagrant lack of understanding of how to go about doing these things, because I can clearly see he wants to. His social and emotional intelligence are at complete odds with his working intelligence, which by all accounts is extremely high. We've been told his marks are improving dramatically at school, and his self-defence instructors here report that he has been improving at a staggering rate," Armsmaster steepled his gauntleted hands. "How long has he been like this?"
Damien frowned slightly, staring at the conference room table. "Forever, more or less? It's just how he is. I was a bit like that myself, at his age, but it's just recently he's gotten a whole lot more confidence."
"He was quieter, before he got powers," Veronica added. "But I wouldn't consider his personality to be a bad thing-"
"Nor would I," said Damien.
"He just takes after us, all he needs is to get some real life experience."
"I don't think he's even that bad, certainly not enough to call us in for a meeting like this."
"His only real problem is that he very much likes to share what he enjoys, and what he likes is a bit niche for most people. But that's not even really a problem."
"He's actually gotten a bit better since joining the Wards, wouldn't you say darling? About… three? Three percent better?"
"Near enough, and anyway, he has friends at school and once he goes off to college he'll meet even more people who're into all the memes and video games he is so I'm not seeing your issue here, Armsmaster."
He had expected them to be biased toward their misbegotten son, but this was a ridiculous level of justification.
"Even putting aside his peer relations, if he wants to work as a public hero he needs to be able to present himself in a respectable manner; which at the moment he is just not capable of doing. Or doesn't want to do, rather, as he does understand the concept. But when it comes down to it, he fails. Maybe it's a stress related issue and this is his way of dealing with social anxiety, but whatever the reason, unless he can conform to our public relations guideline we will have to permanently bench him. Keep him relegated to internal work until he's capable of presenting a good image," Armsmaster leant back, separating his hands. "I'm not sure if you're fine with that, but he certainly isn't. He's chomping at the bit to get into the field and as much as our hands are tied by PR regulations they are just as tied by the Youth Guard."
Veronica crossed her arms, "and it would cause issues here if you were to keep restricting him, so you want us to try and handle the discipline?"
"Sort of," Armsmaster nodded. "We'd rather try a soft approach before dipping into anything even bordering official. And we do want him to achieve his goals, but at the moment his behaviour doesn't allow that within our framework."
"And if our stern talking to doesn't work?" Damien asked, bushy eyebrows furrowed.
"Nothing punitive," Armsmaster held up a placating hand. "Nothing remotely close to that, worst case scenario he gets assigned a lot of mandatory training sessions designed to help promote a heroic public image. Best case he might get some mentoring from one of our senior Protectorate members, so he can see how they work in person and hopefully learn from example."
"Ok, none of this sounds like we needed to have this talk, let alone face to face, if you already have all this in place," Veronica mirrored her husband's frown. "What's the real issue with him being a bit awkward?"
If there was an understatement of the year award that would win, Armsmaster thought as he rolled his eyes behind his visor.
"His power," he said. "Your son is like a second coming of Dauntless, possibly even better than that. And Dauntless is already predicted to rival the Triumverate given enough time, your son could get there even faster. Our power testing indicates he was telling the truth about his limitless potential, we want to capitalise on that. And we can't if he behaves the way he does. If we want him to be up there with the likes of Legend he needs to know how to talk to people, and as far as I can tell the only Ward who doesn't mind him is Gallant. If only one of a youth peer group he has such a large common ground with can put up with him, how can he work within a much more diverse adult working environment?"
"Depends on if he wants to," Veronica said. "When he's done with high school he might move way out of state for college; where Coil can't get to him. If he wants to quit being a Hero and do an Arts degree that's fine with us."
How absolutely abhorrent, they would let him squander his gift. What was this sickening unconditional support of the boys' stupidity?
"Have you ever had your son tested?"
"Yes, we have, thank you," said Damien in a tone that made it clear the thanks was sarcastic. "And he's fine."
Of course he was.
"In any case, from the beginning Greg has expressed a desire to be a hero of Triumverate calibre, it would behove us all to do our level best to help him get there."
"We'll talk it out with him, see how he feels. If he says he wants to be like that, then of course we'll do our best to help him."
Armsmaster breathed a secret sigh of relief, thanked them and handed them over to their PRT escort. He really didn't know what was worse at this point, that someone like Greg was going to reach that peak instead of him; or if he'd fail to get him there.
5th November, 2011- Missy Byron
"I love you so much that I just can't resist you," Missy sang under her breath, flipping the page on her shamefully girly magazine. She hummed the rest of the bars, having forgot the lyrics.
She sighed at the vapid advice column, none of this would help her.
Loud, muffled voices suddenly broke her out of her reverie. Why there was loud voices she had no idea, no one was out in the main common room but Greg setting up his computers. He had somehow convinced Dean, Chris, Dennis and Rory to have a 'LAN party' with 'the RTS version of Space Opera', whatever that meant.
The voices got louder and less muffled, sounding exactly like Armsmaster asking 'what do you mean you cancelled your appointment with your combat instructor?'
Oh this ought to be good, Greg deserved a dressing down. She tossed her magazine over her shoulder and crept to the door, easing it open. A quick flex of her power pinched the space between her room and the end of the hallway to a mere inch, letting her peek into the main area.
Armsmaster was looming over Greg, fists clenched and Greg was sitting there looking utterly flabbergasted.
"Just relax bro."
"Do you have any idea how much I've sacrificed!?" Armsmaster suddenly bellowed, throwing his hands up. "Setting up everything for you, going above and beyond, calling in favours and working overtime! You'd throw it back in my face you ungrateful little shit! All that potential, wasted! At least Dauntless understands his responsibility, but you wouldn't even care if you did! You want to be Triumverate? You can't take a single day off, you think I've had a day off in years? No!"
Missy drew back, a sick feeling clawing in her guts. Greg didn't deserve this. This was the kind of shit she came here to get away from.
"Because you can't do that when you're clawing your way to the top! Rested back to normal every day? Negative status effects gone? You have it easy!"
Missy peeked back around. At some point Greg had started crying, tears streaming silently down his face as spit began to fleck Armsmaster's neat beard. And here she was, hiding around the corner; as usual.
"Even Dauntless has to suffer like the rest of us while you waltz through your day, blithe and blind to your gifts! What is wrong with you?!"
Greg gave a sniffling sort of whimper to which Armsmaster literally growled.
"Just sort yourself out!" he barked and stormed out of the Wards area.
Missy stood there for a moment to the background of Greg's sobbing. Even if he was really annoying, this wasn't right. She slunk out from behind the corner and beelined over to him.
"Are you ok?"
"I'm an idiot sandwi-ih-ich!" Greg bawled wretchedly in his horrible nasally nerd voice.
She sat down next to him and awkwardly put a hand on his shoulder, "he shouldn't have yelled at you."
He immediately wrapped her in a crushing hug and jammed his face in her shoulder, crying even harder. Missy tried not to cringe and pull away, even though this was her favourite shirt being covered in his blubbering.
"Why, uh, why was he so mad? I've never seen him lose his nuts like that before."
"Probably the sleep deprivation and amphetamine comeda-ah-own!" Greg sobbed for a few more seconds then immediately stopped. "Forget I said that, Emily made me sign a thing saying I wasn't allowed to tell people what's in Observe windows."
God it was weird hearing the Director being called Emily, "ok, but can you let go of me now?"
"Mou," Greg huffed. "I guess."
He was taking way too long to let go. "Get off!"
"But it was a nice hug!" he protested, finally dislodging himself and retreating to his seat on the sofa.
"You got snot all on my shirt!"
"So? It's just snot, it washes out. Besides, I wouldn't care if you wiped your face on my shirt."
"But that's gross."
He shrugged, now sporting a big silly grin, all evidence of being upset vanishing. "Could be grosser. Your power could be excreting effluvial grime, you could be like Gregor the Snail."
She didn't know what effluvial meant but it sounded bad. "So are you, like, ok now?"
"Hmmm, yeah. Armsmaster didn't really sound like he was mad at me, I think he's just grumpy today," Greg said airily.
No. No, Greg.
"Right, well, I'm going to go change my shirt. You, uh, have fun with this," Missy gestured to the computers.
"Kk, you wanna play? You have much experience with RTS games? This ones pretty high level despite its basic setup but what I really like about this one is the setting. See, you have all these different factions fighting over swathes of galaxy with self-perpetuating armies of murderbots. While that doesn't sound like much the cutscenes on single player mode really sold me on the setting."
Missy closed her eyes, opened them, and stared at the ceiling as Greg droned on. This was going to be her whole afternoon, she just knew it.
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