If I had to rank bad ideas, this one would be somewhere between "let's microwave tinfoil" and "maybe the demon queen should help me find a girlfriend."
It started innocently enough.
A Saturday morning. Birds chirping. My phone at 8% battery.
And Lilith… sitting cross-legged on the floor, wearing dad's hoodie, holding my phone like she'd discovered nuclear launch codes.
Scene: Domestic Doom – Living Room, 9:17 AM
"You're single," Lilith said, sipping coffee from a mug labeled #1 Chaos Bringer.
"Observant."
"You have poor romantic instincts."
"Rude but accurate."
"So I've taken the liberty of installing a dating app."
I blinked. "Please don't say it's—"
She held up my phone.
The screen glowed with a deep red interface and a skull icon.
"DemonDater: Where Souls Match (Literally)"
Kazuki.exe Has Crashed Again
"I just wanted to see who you're compatible with," she said casually. "Your profile says: 'Nervous mortal with soft hair. Enjoys anime, not dying, and eggs.'"
"Why did you mention my hair?!"
"It's soft," she shrugged. "It's your only redeeming trait."
Swipe Right for Summoning
Apparently, DemonDater wasn't like human dating apps.
Every swipe right? A minor ritual.
"Wait—this app actually summons demons?!"
"Oh yes," Lilith said cheerfully. "This one's a Lust Wisp named Veloria. She collects toenails and reads dirty poetry."
"That is deeply unsettling."
"You matched at 92%. Congratulations!"
And Then It Got Worse
Because of course it did.
While Lilith scrolled through matches with the enthusiasm of a wine aunt at a bingo night, she accidentally enabled something called Soul Bond Trial Mode™.
And my living room carpet started glowing.
"You clicked the Summon button, didn't you?"
"It was blinking! That means important!"
The floor cracked.
The windows shook.
The toaster levitated.
Then, in a puff of glitter, perfume, and interdimensional disappointment… she appeared.
Enter: Amora the Love Demon
She floated three inches off the ground, in heart-shaped stilettos and a pink dress that looked like Cupid got drunk and shopped at a lingerie store.
Her voice echoed like a Valentine's Day card possessed by a cheerleader.
"Oooooh! Someone called for a soulmate with killer thighs and a PhD in emotional manipulation?"
"Nope," I said immediately. "Big mistake. Return to sender."
But Amora wasn't listening.
She was already circling me like a hawk wearing lipstick.
"Look at that blush! And that nervous twitch! I'm gonna ruin you emotionally."
Lilith's Jealousy Level: Boss Battle Approaching
Lilith's smile didn't quite reach her eyes.
"Oh how adorable," she said, voice sugary. "Another demon trying to cuddle my step-son. How precious. Shall I kill her now, or do we let her flirt first?"
Amora pouted. "Relax, Queenie. I'm just doing my job. My contract says 24 hours of trial love and mild spooning."
"What kind of contract includes spooning?!"
"Mine," she winked.
The Duel of the Demons: Love vs. Lust
They argued for half an hour. It started civil, then escalated to insults like:
"You emotionally constipated glorified succubus!"
"You bitter retired temptress with attachment issues!"
Meanwhile, I sat on the couch eating cereal and wondering if I should move to Antarctica.
Eventually, Lilith won by summoning a 12-foot sword made entirely of glitter and spite.
Amora vanished in a puff of pink smoke and vague threats.
Aftermath: Deleted Apps and Existential Dread
"So…" I said, carefully unplugging the toaster.
"No more dating apps," Lilith declared. "From now on, I screen your love life personally."
"That sounds worse."
"Think of it as… mentorship."
End of Chapter 5
✅ Call to Action:
🔥 Demon dating apps? Love demons with spooning contracts? What could possibly go wrong next?
💬 Comment your favorite line (mine's the "killer thighs" one)!
📌 Bookmark the story for Chapter 6 – where Lilith joins Kazuki's school PTA… and declares war on all "inappropriately dressed biology teachers."