I still remember those days when I was completely free.
A healthy body, a sharp mind—intelligent, creative, but easily bored.
I always wondered why I lost interest so quickly.
I'd start something—work, a project, or learning something new.
And then, I'd succeed. Not just succeed, but do it in a way no one else did.
Smart. Unique. Almost genius-like.
But the moment I realized I was good at it—better than most—
the excitement would fade.
I'd think, If I just keep going, I could master this.
But instead of feeling proud, I'd feel bored.
And then I'd quit. Distracted again.
Chasing the next new thing.
One day, I was lying on my bed, just thinking about my life… and my problems.
Honestly, I was bored.
I didn't feel like doing anything.
I thought about watching a movie, playing a game, reading a book, or learning something new.
But I couldn't decide.
So, I did nothing.
Just kept lying there.
And continue wasting the whole day.
But then, suddenly, a strange thought came to my mind.
What would happen if I didn't sleep for days?
Would I die?
And if yes, how would I die?
What would actually cause it?
Would I lose control of my mind or body?
Would it be considered suicide, even if I didn't do it on purpose?
I wondered, What happens to someone who doesn't sleep for more than 10 days?
It might sound strange to others, but for me, thoughts like this are normal.
They come into my mind every day—random, deep, sometimes dark—but always full of curiosity.
And like always, I started researching.
I wanted to know everything about it.
Because the curiosity to learn everything is what keeps me going.
Even though I know how it usually ends:
I learn, I dive deep into it…
and after some time, when I understand enough, I lose interest.
And then I quit.
Just like always.
I started researching it.
I watched so many videos, asked AI tools, searched through books—anything I could find.
And finally, I reached a conclusion.
If someone doesn't sleep for many days, things start to fall apart.
You begin to lose focus.
You start hallucinating, daydreaming, having delusions…
But the worst part is that you slowly disconnect from reality.
I found that there's a mental state called dissociation.
Dissociation is basically a mental process where the brain begins to shut down certain functions to protect itself.
It can happen when a person hasn't slept for more than five days.
The brain starts cutting off emotional responses—like fear, anxiety, even pain.
According to research, it's the brain's way of protecting you from extreme stress or emotional overload.
It blocks out the feelings that could hurt you the most.
After all the research I did, I still felt unsatisfied.
My curiosity wasn't finished.
I wanted to know more.
I still had a strong interest in the topic, and that's when I came across something that took my attention to a whole new level.
DID.
Dissociative Identity Disorder.
Dissociative Identity Disorder is a complex and often misunderstood mental condition.
It's when a person has two or more different identities—also called "alters"—living inside the same body.
Each identity has its own way of thinking, feeling, acting… sometimes even its own voice, name, or memories.
It usually happens as a coping mechanism.
When someone faces trauma, especially during childhood, the mind sometimes creates separate identities to protect itself from the pain.
It's like the brain builds walls between the memories, dividing the hurt so it doesn't destroy the whole self.
The more I read, the more fascinated I became.
There was this sudden urge in me—to feel it, to understand what it's really like to live with DID.
For the next five or six hours, I went deep.
I watched videos of people who live with DID, explaining their lives and emotions.
I read articles, case studies, and theories by psychologists and doctors.
How it happens.
Why the mind splits.
What life feels like for someone with this disorder.
I became completely focused.
So focused, in fact, that I forgot to eat dinner.
I didn't check the time.
I didn't even notice if it was day or night outside.
I was lost—completely drowned in this topic.
I was watching some videos, completely lost in them, when suddenly—
"Eat your food!" my mom shouted from the other room.
I ignored it at first, but a few minutes later, she came storming into my room, grabbed my laptop, and said,
"You're not getting this back until you eat your dinner
I got frustrated and tried to take the laptop from her hands.
"Give it back! I'm not done yet!"
She pulled it away. "Eat your food or I'll switch off the Wi-Fi," she warned.
"You can go to sleep, Mom. I'll wash my plate myself later," I said, still annoyed.
But she wasn't backing down.
"You need sleep more than you need this thing. You have college tomorrow—and your part-time job at the café. If you don't rest, you'll be irritated all day," she said sharply.
And then it hit me.
I had completely forgotten about the assignment due tomorrow.
Not only that, but I still had to work after college.
My mom was right—if I don't sleep well, I get irritated so easily.
Sometimes it feels like my whole mood is just broken for the entire day, like everything and everyone suddenly becomes annoying for no reason at all.
Suddenly, everything felt too much.
I sighed and realized she was right.
Tomorrow was going to be a busy day.
I needed rest more than anything right now.
Maybe I'd continue this topic later.
But first, I had to eat… and finish that assignment.
As I forced myself to finish the assignment—something I had zero interest in but still had to complete—I couldn't help but wonder:
"Was I always going to be like this? Obsessed, exhausted, distracted, behind schedule? Or was this just a phase…?"