One step back for me. One step forward for the cosh boys.
"I'm taking the backpack off," I said, with insane volume. My pursuers stopped. My heart was pounding. This was the moment for action. I had to draw them close to me, didn't I, and then break into the space. It was good tactics. Draw the oppo and play out from the back. Fast breaks. Play through the lines.
"Get him!"
The guy on the left came at me. I suddenly didn't see anyone to my right, but that only freaked me out more so I dodged left, holding the backpack in front of my head partly so the laptop would block an attack but also so I wouldn't see the blow that killed me.
There was a grunt of pain - not mine - and I lowered the backpack.
Briggy had the nearest guy by the arm and by the head as she cracked his face into the passenger seat window. She smashed it again, then drove it through the side-view mirror.
She flopped and I worried she was hurt but she had a zip tie in her hands and was wrapping up the guy's wrists. She got up and went to the other one. I followed and saw he was out cold and my front headlight was shattered.
"Mate," I whined, even though I was high on all kinds of brain chemicals.
She finished tying him, then hopped up and dragged them both to the next free parking space. She pulled their hoods off and took photos that she sent off to God knows who.
Simon snapped out of his shock. "They had Irish accents!"
Briggy's eyes rolled towards him. "English criminals often affect an Irish accent knowing the police are institutionally racist."
"Oh," said Simon.
"We should call - " I started.
"No!" snapped Briggy. She came to me and brought me away from the steward. "They wanted your laptop. Why?"
"Because they're thick as pigshit. What are they gonna learn? They won't learn how to market a product, I can tell you that. And what, they'll crack my passwords and see that I think Youngster and Wibbers could play in the Premier League? Big whoop. The big clubs already know that."
Briggy kept looking at me.
I was dripping with sweat. It was hard to think. "Ah. I mean..."
"Yes?"
"It's possible they think..." I looked from the Mini to the massive new stand. Very tangible evidence that what I was doing worked. My methods were sound. No-one would ever think a demon as old as time had cursed me with these powers. How could my rapid rise be explained? It could be explained the way I had been explaining it. "They might think I actually have an advanced AI on this laptop that lets you find players for cheap and sell them for millions and win matches while you're doing it... It's possible they think I'm carrying round a sort of..." I didn't want to say it, but she kept staring at me. Unpeeling the layers of my stupidity one by one. "Carrying around a sort of portable infinite money glitch."
Her eyes widened, and they were wide to start with; she was loving this. She jabbed me in the chest. "You're an idiot." She checked her victims were still, before gently touching my jaw and scanning me. "Are you hurt?"
"No."
"Before we find one of the police I want to clone their phones."
"You... what? Okay. Just, er... I wasn't going to involve the police right away if we can help it. We need the Brig."
"Does he have experience in corporate espionage?"
"I don't know. Why?"
A laugh exploded out of her. She tapped me in the chest again. "While you're planning your reverse heist, someone is planning to heist you. We've got competing heists, Max Best."
"That's... I don't want that. That's not fun."
She laughed loud again. "Tough shit. Call your man if you want. The Brig's good; I'm better."
"Um... you can tell him that yourself."
She was astonished. "You saw what I did to those two and you're still more afraid of him than me?"
"Yes," I said. "He would have got them to tie themselves up without even punching them."
She scoffed. "What's the fun in that? All right, let's do it your way."
I raised my phone; my hand was shaking violently. I took a huge breath and held it in. "Briggy, do you have some post-trauma techniques to help clients who have had, like, a big shock?"
"There are things to do, yes. Steps to take. Shall we go through them?"
"Not me," I said. "Him. Simon."
She liked that. "You always look after your staff."
"And you always wanted to work with your hands."
She gave me a cocky grin and kissed her knuckles. She closed her eyes and when she opened them, she was transformed. She was a discreet and caring personal assistant. She walked over to Simon and put her arm around him. They moved a few steps away.
I crouched in front of my attackers and dialled the Brig. "John," I said. "I'd like to report a crime. Someone stole your crown as the most badass employee. What? No, that isn't the entire call. I'm in the car park. You'll never guess who's in my spot."