"Okay, what do we do now?" Kara asked.
"How the hell are we supposed to know? Someone just died—or maybe this is still some sick joke," Leon muttered.
"Guys, there's a news story about the guy who just died. He was a UPS driver. He disappeared while delivering a package. I'm assuming he's dead," Penny said, holding up her phone.
"Shit," Leon said under his breath.
"Okay, listen. What we know is that we have to post content—or someone dies. And we'll probably hear that ear-bleed sound and start vomiting blood again. So, let's figure out what we're going to do when the next challenge drops. I think the goal is to please The Feed. That means we have to post content," I said.
"We better go above and beyond. If we don't, someone else could die," Dahlia said.
"Exactly. We have to make sure The Feed is satisfied. We've been given the groundwork: each of us has a role, a camera, and a computer with YouTube access and editing software. That means we're supposed to create the best content possible—not just for views, but to entertain The Feed specifically."
"But none of us really know what we're doing," Kara said.
"That's why we were given roles. Each role has a purpose to help guide us," I explained. "Mine is The Heart: the mood, the spark, the laugh track. When spirits fall, I lift them."
"My role is The Fool: I'm the noise, the chaos, the unexpected move. I distract, disarm, entertain," Leon said.
"I'm The Eye: I see what others miss. My lens is the window to The Feed. Without me, it collapses," Penny added.
"I'm The Face: I start the show. I shine, even as things get dark," Dahlia said.
"I'm The Ghost: support. The invisible fix. I keep the machine running when no one else sees it break," Kara explained.
"Right. Dahlia, since you're The Face, you'll open the videos. You're our intro. Leon, you're The Fool, so you'll bring the comedy. Penny, you're our camera operator—The Eye. Kara, you keep everything running smoothly behind the scenes. That's our team."
"What about these 'involvement' tags?" Leon asked. "Mine says 'Challenge Involvement: Mandatory.'"
"That means you have to be in the challenge no matter what. Mine says the same," I said.
"I'm marked as frequent," Dahlia noted.
"So am I," Kara added.
"I'm frequent, but also says occasional," Penny said.
"Just to be safe, we should all try to participate anyway. Now that we've got our roles figured out, we need ideas to impress The Feed," I said.
"We can't really brainstorm specifics until we get the next challenge," Leon pointed out.
"Still, we can prep some basics—like an intro, outro, maybe a test video. If we have that stuff ready, we can focus entirely on the challenge when it hits," I said.
"I can work on an intro and outro," Dahlia offered.
That night, we tried our best to brainstorm, but the tension kept us from making much progress. We debated filming an intro video but decided against it—just in case The Feed didn't like us jumping the gun. All we could do was wait. Eventually, we got some sleep. We knew we'd need the energy.
I woke up late the next morning—around 9:30. Guess I was more tired than I thought. Everyone else got up shortly after me. We had about 20 minutes until the next letter was due.
"Alright, before we check the mailbox, let's film our intro so it's out of the way," I said.
"Guess I'm up then," Dahlia said. "Penny, do you know how the camera works?"
"Yeah, I got it. We're starting in 5… 4… 3… 2…"
"Hi guys, it's Dahlia. Welcome to Episode 1 of our amazing new series. Thank you for tuning into The House of Five. Before we begin today's episode, let me introduce all five of us: I'm Dahlia, then there's Connor, Leon, Kara, and Penny. Every day we'll be posting new content and receiving a new challenge, so stay tuned for what's next!"
"Cut," Penny said.
"How'd I do?"
"You did great. Now we wait for the challenge," Kara said.
Just minutes later, there was a knock at the door.
"Should we film Dahlia getting the challenge out of the mailbox?" Leon asked.
"Probably smart—just in case," I said.
"Alright, cameras rolling in 3… 2…"
"Alright, everyone! It's time to receive our super awesome challenge. Let's see what it is," Dahlia announced.
She opened the mailbox and took out the letter.
"Today's challenge is… Create the cringiest dating video ever! Get excited, everyone—we're about to give you the most awkward dating video you've ever seen."
"Cut. That was great," Penny said.
"Thank you," Dahlia replied.
"So what now?" Kara asked.
"It says everyone must participate. We have until 4 PM to complete it," I said.
"I think I've got an idea," Leon said, smirking.
Leon pitched us his ridiculous—and brilliant—plan. It took two hours of meticulous planning and costume setups, but we went with it.
Cameras on in 3… 2…
"Hello everyone, and welcome back to your favorite dating show: Date to Impress! Tonight, we have a wonderful bachelor—a wealthy man searching for the perfect woman. Meet… Maximilian Sterling the Third!" Dahlia said dramatically.
"Thank you, dear. Hello everyone, my name is Maximilian Sterling the Third. I am seeking a woman of elegance and grace—someone worthy of sharing my trillion-dollar fortune," I said, wearing a top hat, monocle, and fake mustache. I looked like the Monopoly guy's eccentric cousin.
"Tonight, we've prepared a five-star dinner and five lovely ladies for our bachelor to meet. He'll have three minutes with each contestant. Comment down below who you think Maximilian will choose," Dahlia announced. "Our first contestant is… Bellinda!"
"When is dinner?" Leon asked.
Leon was dressed as Bellinda—a woman who was always hungry. He had a pillow stuffed under his shirt to look bloated.
"Let's have them meet," Dahlia said.
I was already sitting at the dinner table as Leon waddled in.
"Oh god, this damn hemorrhoid," he groaned, struggling to walk.
I broke character immediately. Everyone was cracking up.
"I'm so sorry for taking so long," Leon said.
"Not an issue. Please, take a seat."
"Ugh, goddamn, get down already…"
Trying not to laugh, I kept going.
"So, dinner is Trofie al Pesto."
"The fuck is that?"
"It's pasta."
"Oh, why didn't you just say that? Tell the damn waiter to bring it out!"
Kara, dressed as the waiter, delivered the plate.
"Why's it green? Looks like my infected toe."
I burst out laughing.
"Oh, it's good," Leon said as he began shoveling food into his mouth like an animal.
"Hmm. You simply lack elegance," I said.
"Tell the waiter to give me seconds."
In the interview, I tried to stay composed.
"This woman simply does not meet my requirements. She is messy. Noisy. Unrefined."
Leon let out a massive fart during his interview.
"I'm sorry, pasta upsets my stomach. And any man who serves pasta over meat is no man. Also—why the hell was it green?"
Next up was Sandra Chillstone, played by Kara. Sandra was a spoiled, phone-obsessed rich girl.
"Sandra's father owns a multi-million-dollar car dealership. Sandra loves posting," Dahlia narrated.
Kara walked in, filming herself.
"Going on a date with a rich man," she said to her phone, ignoring me.
"I've prepared filet mignon with a side of caviar."
She snapped a photo. "Eating filet mignon on a date. Hashtag: yummy."
"…Are you a minor?" I asked, trying not to laugh.
Kara burst out laughing and we had to cut.
In the interview, I said, "Sandra was rather young-looking. Rude. Too attached to her device. Not very elegant."
"Can you stop harassing me?" she replied, still on her phone.
Then came Eclipse, a mysterious goth artist played by Penny.
"I had my chefs prepare steak au poivre."
"Did you listen to the cow as it mooed its last breath?" she asked flatly.
"What?" I was already laughing.
"I paint with the blood of my victims."
"Did you say blood?"
"Yes. I capture the final scream on canvas."
Interview time.
"Eclipse is… probably a serial killer."
"His blood would be perfect for my next piece," she whispered.
Celestina Rose, played by Dahlia, was a rude gold digger.
"Duck breast with apricot chutney," I said.
"That looks like shit. I'm not eating it," she replied.
"How rich are you?"
"Multi-trillionaire."
"Oh my God, I love you! Do you think you can buy me a Lamborghini?"
"…Uh."
Interview:
"I love him so much! What's his name again?"
"She's definitely a gold digger," I muttered.
Finally came Bonqueefa, Leon's return as a self-absorbed diva.
"Moules Farcies tonight," I said.
Leon pulled out a tiny mirror. "Too small."
Then he slammed a giant mirror onto the table.
"That's better."
"She's elegant," I whispered. "She noticed a small mirror wasn't good enough and brought a better one."
"I don't want to eat. I'm focusing on my makeup," Leon said while burping and farting again, fanning it in my direction.
He doused himself in cheap perfume.
"She used cheap perfume," I said during the interview. "Not elegant."
And then… the finale.
"Now it's time for Maximilian Sterling the Third to decide who he wants to marry. Comment down below who you think it'll be," Dahlia said.
"Ladies… after careful consideration, I've decided… I love no one. I love myself. None of you were elegant enough."
Bellinda (Leon) suddenly appeared from under the table.
"Oh my… that's the most elegant thing I've ever seen. You have an infection—just like me."
"Oh my, how thoughtful of you to notice," Bellinda cooed.
"I always notice someone with an infection. I have to deal with eight a week."
"Oh my, you are simply perfect. You are just so elegant—you win my heart."
"Yeah, I do. I can make anyone fall in love with me. Now get over here, big boy, so we can do something elegant together," Leon said with an exaggerated wink.
After that, we couldn't stop laughing.
"Alright, looks like Bellinda has won the heart of Maximilian Sterling the Third. Stay tuned for our next episode of Date to Impress!"
"Cut!" Penny said through giggles.
For the next full minute, Leon and I were doubled over with laughter.
"Alright, we just have to film the outro, then Kara can edit," Penny said, regaining composure.
"Okay, we're almost done," Dahlia added, clapping her hands for energy.
"We're on in 3… 2…"
"Did you guys stick to the end? Did you guess who Maximilian Sterling would like the most?" Dahlia said with a wink to the camera. "This is the House of Five, signing off. Make sure you like, comment, and subscribe. Thanks for watching!"
"Okay, we have two hours left to post this episode. Let's get to editing."
It took us about an hour to edit the video. Once it was uploaded to our channel, all we could do was wait.
At four o'clock, we heard a knock at the door. We opened it and checked the mailbox. There was a single envelope inside. I took it out and read it aloud:
"Your performance for today's challenge has been deemed adequate. The Feed is… satisfied. No consumption will be required today.
Number consumed: 2.
Signed, The Feed."
"We did it!" Dahlia cheered, throwing her arms up.
"I'm not gonna lie—it was actually fun at some points," Leon said, surprised at himself.
"It was," I agreed, smiling.
"Guys, check out our channel—the first episode has ten million views!" Kara exclaimed, staring at her phone.
"We went viral!" Penny shouted, almost in disbelief.
"Look at the comments," I said, scrolling.
"Wow, this is amazing," Kara said, reading a few out loud. "So funny how you broke character so many times. Can't wait for the next episode. Every single comment is positive."
"Yeah," Penny said, beaming. "Now we just have to keep this up… every day."
"Relax," I said, looking around at everyone. "We were all laughing today—genuinely laughing. We've got this, guys. We are the House of Five."