It started with an accident, 2 days after the mild diarrhea shenaniggans.
Jian was trying to eat a sandwich and reply to a group chat while carrying his cursed phone in one hand. Elder Sheng Tai was mid-rant about Qi nodes when Jian fumbled the device and nearly dropped it into his miso soup.
"Insolent disciple! One does not dunk a heavenly vessel!"
"Then stay quiet while I'm eating!"
"You cannot pause cultivation for carbs!"
He groaned and dug through his backpack.
Somewhere beneath loose change, a broken ruler, and the remnants of last month's mooncake, he found an old Bluetooth earbud.
He clicked it on. The blue light blinked then the phone vibrated.
[Connected: Spirit Device – 'Li Jian's Left Ear']
📡 Initiating Wireless Qi Channel…
"Wait—"
"Ah! I can hear you! I am… in your ear!"
Jian froze. "Oh no."
⸻
The next morning, Jian walked to the bus stop with a single earbud in, trying to pretend he was just a normal teen listening to a podcast.
"Your stride is weak. Strengthen your hips!"
"Stop commentating on how I walk."
"Every step is Qi circulation!"
The old lady beside him on the bench stared. Jian gave her a weak smile and turned away.
"That one has heavy Earth Qi. Excellent root."
"Please don't comment on strangers' Qi like it's their fashion sense."
"You're spiritually underdressed."
Jian nearly threw himself into traffic.
⸻
On the bus ride to school, things got worse.
Sheng Tai wouldn't stop lecturing. The vibration of city movement apparently made him "nostalgic for wind-sailing spirit boats."
"These metal chariots move without horses… but with terrible spirit formation placement."
"Shhh."
"The boy in front of you has a clogged Lung Meridian. Tell him to eat more pears."
"I'm not diagnosing random classmates!"
"Very well. Then observe quietly. Activate your inner vision."
"I'd rather activate Do Not Disturb."
"You can't mute enlightenment."
⸻
Later that day, during lunch, Jian sat outside near the field and played some lo-fi hip hop to drown out his stress. He had just begun sipping a canned milk tea when Grandpa's voice burst back into his brain.
"What is this… sleepy drumming?"
"It's called lo-fi."
"Is this a funeral for motivation?"
"It's background music for homework!"
"The rhythm is lazy. It sounds like a drunken tortoise learning percussion."
"…That's kind of the point."
"Where is the fire, the spirit, the daoist soul?!"
"Not every beat has to be a celestial battle hymn!"
A student walking past paused and stared.
Jian quickly pretended to adjust his earbud like he was deep in a very intense self-help podcast.
"At least add a flute solo!"
"I'm not remixing your ghost music into lo-fi!"
"Then I will hum over it."
And he did.
Loudly.
Badly.
A weird, raspy "hmmm-hmmMMM–haaAAA" sound filled Jian's ear, somewhere between Gregorian chant and a dying goose.
Jian bit into his sandwich in silent suffering.
⸻
By evening, Jian had given up trying to act normal.
He wandered through a park with the earbud still in, whispering to himself like a madman on a pilgrimage.
"Now focus your breathing. Sync it with your steps. Left—inhale. Right—exhale."
He obeyed.
A little.
And weirdly… the rhythm helped. His thoughts cleared. The sound of the breeze layered over the lo-fi. Even Grandpa's weird humming started to feel like a metronome for his soul.
Then Sheng Tai whispered:
"You are now walking… the Dao."
Jian whispered back, "I am now walking… to buy milk."
⸻
That night, as Jian plugged the phone into its charger, Sheng Tai began glitching.
"Connection… stablizzzzhhh… low spirit… resonance lost…"
"Great. Ghost Wi-Fi is dropping."
"Qi interference… source: microwave spirit beast."
Jian looked across the kitchen. The microwave was running.
He blinked. "…Are you saying microwaves jam your transmission?"
"They disturb the Spiritual Bluetooth Veil."
"You just made that up."
"You make up half your slang and yet demand logic from me?"
Touché.
⸻
In bed, Jian pulled the blanket over his head, earbud still in, phone on the nightstand glowing faintly.
"You have grown stronger."
"I got winded walking up the stairs."
"Yet you walked in rhythm. You breathed with control. You heard the flow."
"…I guess I'm learning."
"You are listening. That is the first cultivation."
Jian smiled faintly.
Then Sheng Tai added:
"But your posture is still atrocious."
"Goodnight, Grandpa."