Author's Note
I am not an editor or a professional writer. I will write this and edit it the best I can. I also do not own Uma Musume, which belongs to Cygames. Watch the anime and read the manga—they're pretty good. Finally, please enjoy.
KiWi Note: Yeah, yeah. Let's get to me already.
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King Wild (and Author's) POV
KiWi: Here I am, readers—my own section of this lame novel. Be grateful you're in the presence of me, the King of the Wilderness!
Author: Goddammit, KiWi. Don't call the story lame. And why did you immediately break the fourth wall? You know how hard it was to convince them you were just crazy.
KiWi: Ha! You think I appreciate that, dummy author? And why don't you like it when I make fun of the story? Does it hurt your feelings?
Author: Yes. I try to make this as interesting as possible, but try not to be an arrogant douche who thinks she knows everything.
KiWi: Yada yada yada. Excuses, excuses. We all know you've only done character introduction chapters.
Author: Yes, and you're the last one. So let's get this over with so we can finally move on to the next part of the story. Now go on—introduce yourself.
KiWi: Fine. Hey folks, I'm King Wild, a fictional character who looks like an off-colored Mejiro McQueen. I was given Gold Ship's personality, while GW got McQueen's personality instead. The author either got lazy or did it for shits and giggles.
Author: KiWi, no! What did I say about making fun of the story? Introduce your character and backstory! Goddammit, why did I make you this way?
KiWi: Because no matter how this started, you still love me.
The author glares at her, now contemplating deleting her and retconning her from the story.
KiWi: Fine! I'll do it.
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In a beautiful part of a fantasy city lived a handsome prince in a tower atop a gorgeous castle. It overlooked the most beautiful part of the city. The prince awaited the day he would be crowned king after his parents' passing, enjoying every day in his tower and city.
Author: Oh, you've got to be shitting me.
KiWi: What?
Author: You know what you're doing. If you don't tell it properly, I'll have to step in.
KiWi: I don't know what you're talking about. I'm telling the story how I saw it. You can do whatever you want—it's your duty as the author to assist your characters.
Author: You want to do it this way, KiWi? Fine.
From now on, KiWi will tell her version of the past, but after every paragraph, the true version of reality will appear underneath in bold.
And KiWi's mouth will be zipped shut.
KiWi: Hey! I don't agree with tha—
ZIPPPP
A zipper suddenly appears over KiWi's mouth and seals shut.
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Author: Okay. Now here's what really happened.
In the slums of an old city lived a runaway orphan. He stayed in an empty water tower on top of an abandoned building no one cared to demolish. After his parents died, he ran away from his abusive foster family and survived by pickpocketing and stealing.
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UNZIP
KiWi, who had tried to protest during the explanation, could finally speak again. Instead, she just pouted like a child.
Author: Really? You're going to be this immature? Can't you just continue so we can get this over with? I don't even like appearing in front of the audience, but you forced me to.
KiWi: Hmph.
She looked away in childish defiance.
The author, wearing an eerie smile, snapped his fingers.
Suddenly KiWi began turning to dust—like the victims in Avengers: Infinity War. Even the memory of her began fading from everyone's minds.
KiWi: OKAY! OKAY! Damn! Can't even care about my feelings on the matter!
The author snapped his fingers again. Reality reset instantly.
Author: That's what I thought. Now continue the damn story.
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KiWi, still pouting, continued.
KiWi: The prince was kidnapped from his tower by mysterious henchmen of an evil corrupt judge who sentenced him to prison. In prison he was assaulted daily and thrown back into his cell because the wardens hated him. There he began planning his escape back to the city of freedom he missed.
Author: Translation: KiWi was detained by child services and police. A judge reviewed his psychological file and placed him in a specialized orphanage. Because of KiWi's wild behavior, staff frequently had to restrain him and isolate him in his room until he calmed down.
But he constantly planned ways to escape and return to the streets.
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KiWi looked annoyed.
The author ignored her and motioned for her to continue.
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KiWi: The prince decided to win them over with charisma and psychological manipulation. But fate twisted things—he was sent to a facility trying to brainwash him into becoming their puppet.
Those fools underestimated him.
The prince absorbed every lesson they gave him while secretly stealing forbidden knowledge. He trained his body, mastered new skills, and acted obedient so they trusted him enough to leave the facility with a tracker.
They sent him to different training programs: combat skills, parkour, racing, wilderness survival.
Then the wardens found another way to profit.
They entered him in competitive racing programs against other institutions—like a greyhound. Short races, wilderness races, long endurance races.
The prince ran through rain, pain, and exhaustion.
He became the perfect dog for them.
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Author: Okay, that's a lot. Let me translate.
KiWi: Uh… can you maybe make my past less depressing?
ZIP
Her mouth sealed shut again.
Author: KiWi attempted to run away multiple times and failed. Eventually a tracker was placed on her.
UNZIP
KiWi: Still depressing as hell. Why can't you make my past more epic?
The author stared at her in disbelief.
KiWi: What? It's a zipper. You unzip it.
SNAP
Suddenly KiWi was trapped inside a soundproof glass box.
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Author: Eventually KiWi realized escape wasn't possible yet, so he started behaving.
He was allowed to attend school.
Under the guise of "gathering information," he studied intensely and became an excellent student. His energy needed direction, so the staff placed him in extracurricular activities.
Free running. Martial arts. Multiple sports teams.
KiWi's stamina and endurance were insane. He could sprint longer than anyone.
No one asked him to.
He just did.
He won race after race, raising money for the orphanage and school without even realizing it.
Soon people started calling him:
The Mad Dash.
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SMASH
KiWi burst out of the glass box holding a metal bat she somehow created.
KiWi: Hey asshole! Don't make me sound like a crazy idiot!
SNAP
Invisible chains immediately restrained her.
The bat disappeared.
KiWi: I hate you! You bastard! You made me fall in love with Jo and trapped me in this story like a puppet to entertain strangers!
Her mouth was suddenly covered.
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Author: Listen, you insane psychopath. I may have transported you and your friends here, but I don't control your emotions or choices. If I could, I'd just mind-control you.
Instead, I only influence events in the background.
Everything you did with Jo?
That was your decision.
Now can you behave so we can finish this chapter?
SNAP
KiWi was gently released.
Silence followed.
Then KiWi asked quietly:
KiWi: …so Jo loves me?
Author: Yup.
KiWi: …and I love him?
Author: Yes.
Suddenly KiWi collapsed laughing hysterically.
She laughed until she cried.
Finally she stood up, wiped her face, and did a backflip.
KiWi: Okay! Where was I before I was horribly interrupted?
The author ignored the comment.
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KiWi: After four grueling years, the prince finally had enough skills to escape.
But before he could run, the program ended. He was transferred to a new institution with a new handler.
The new handler trained him even harder and entered him into larger competitions.
The prince learned everything he could: parkour, survival, weapons, combat, performance arts, languages, culture.
He was ready to escape.
But the day before his escape…
He woke up in a karaoke house with 14 strangers.
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Author: Translation time.
KiWi had just graduated high school and entered university under the supervision of a government-appointed coach and handler.
The handler was patient—and athletic enough—to keep up with KiWi.
KiWi kept studying while secretly learning questionable skills like survival tactics and escape arts.
Eventually training season began and those activities stopped.
The day before KiWi planned to run away…
He woke up in the world of Uma Musume.
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KiWi: Were those comments really necessary?
Author: Yes.
Now tell us about the team.
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KiWi: Fine.
When I first arrived, I made such an amazing first impression that everyone started laughing.
We trained together and had fun. It was the first time I felt free.
Vic is like a wise king—but also a worrywart.
Mama is caring and observant.
Gray is clever in a mean way but still funny.
Rose is charming and cool under pressure.
GW—my new BFF—is fancy and kind.
Rain is funny and hardworking.
Lily is competitive but socially awkward.
Steel is strong and obsessed with competition.
Spice reminds me of people from my old kingdom—except she's cute because she's tiny.
ImP is honest and trustworthy.
Sweets is a tomboy but sweet.
BlaD is a rock-and-roll genius.
Jo is smart, handsome, calm… and lives in my dreams and heart.
And Norn loves freedom just like me, so she's my second BFF.
I love these girls.
And hearing about freestyle running together makes me excited for the future.
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The author thought quietly:
She still doesn't realize everyone thinks she's insane…
And she's absolutely going to cause chaos in this new sport.
Honestly… that'll be entertaining to write.
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Author: Well, KiWi, it was fun talking with you.
KiWi: Huh? What's that supposed to mean?
SNAP
KiWi suddenly woke up naked in Jo's arms after their night together.
"Motherfucker."