Okay I will admit I tried to do what I always do, act like everything is fine, that I don't need anything, but that's on the outside.
But on the inside I am Oizys.
It's so lonely inside that I got used to it.
I told myself that I don't care about if she comes or not, but also I wish she showed.
The night when Shion blamed me for what was happening, I needed her. I needed someone by my side, even for a moment, but I couldn't find her. Her castle is so far away that only Ice could take me there, and he is not here either.
If I had teleportation I swear I would have run to her first. I would have grabbed her hand and begged her not to disappear again, I would have said I needed her.
When I was just trying my best to be fine, then I got to relive that night again.
That night where my parents died in front of me.
After the truck hit, my dad managed to get me out first. His hands were shaking and he told me to stay back, but when he tried to get Mom out the car blew up.
Sometimes I can still hear the sound. A sound like the world tearing open. I used to think that if I closed my eyes hard enough it would stop echoing, but it never did, and then my dad's family added to sound and it became worse.
Watching Butterfly Shion control Akari kill that person, I only had one thing in mind.
I want to go home.
I am tired of all this.
I only wanted to save two characters and now everyone here are in danger.
I can't do this anymore.
Author LeeDevil please, if you are listening, please get me out of this place. Please.
"Morsel, are you okay?" the ant queen said as I looked at her, trying to gather my sanity.
"Yes, I am," I said, trying to hide my voice.
"You have been silent since you entered here. Did something happen on your first forced date with the Shion girl?" she asked. Her tone was light but I could tell she was paying attention.
I shake my head, then my eyes drifted to Akari who was helping Gary and other ants fill the jar with honeydew.
She must be in shock after what she was forced to do. Her hands were moving, but there was no energy behind it. She looked like she didn't even feel the jar she was holding.
I sat up and went over to her.
"Hey cousin, do you need some help with it?" I asked. I kept my voice soft so I wouldn't scare her out of her thoughts.
"Hey Cousin Rin, when did you arrive? I didn't see you come in," she said as she stopped what she was doing.
"I came in like ten minutes ago. You put so much effort into what you were doing, that's why you didn't see me," I said. I picked up the filled jars and placed them carefully in the crate beside her.
"How was the date? Where is she?" Akari asked as she looked at the entrance, her eyes searching for Shion.
Her gaze was hopeful and worried at the same time.
"I don't know. She must have gone home or something. And I can't bring her here, gods know what chaos the butterfly will cause here. I can't afford to know," I said.
But I really can't.
Bringing Shion here would be the last thing I ever do.
This place is the last place I want to be destroyed.
"I saw Selene at the market today," I said.
"Whoa, that Ice Queen finally showed up after weeks of leaving you lonely," the ant queen said. She was suddenly behind me and Akari. She had been eavesdropping. Of course she was.
"So how did you feel? What did she say? Who apologized first? And most importantly did she bring my friend Ice along? Tell me, tell me, I need to know!"
She talked so fast that Akari shook her head in disbelief and went back to filling jars.
"Which one should I answer first, huh?" I asked.
"Everything, but the Ice is more important," the ant queen said, sitting down like she was ready for a long story.
I went back and sat as well. I picked up a book, not because I wanted to read but because it made my hands feel less empty.
"I didn't see Ice with her and I didn't ask… do you think I made a mistake?" I asked. My voice was quieter than I meant it to be.
"What are you talking about?" the ant queen asked as she sat down across from me. She folded her legs and leaned forward.
"Tell me, morsel, what is bothering you?"
"I saw Selene today and I let her go again. I don't even know if she is going to be around anymore. At first she used to be around, but now she is like winter. She only comes once," I said slowly.
The words felt heavy as they left me.
It hurt to say them out loud.
"I thought you said you didn't care if she is around or not. You should stop being nonchalant. Because of one incident you pushed people away because you were scared of not deserving them, but actually you were scared of losing them. You are not in that world anymore. Maybe you should stop pushing this one and accept what is fact. Things happen. People die every day," the queen said.
I didn't even know she understood things like this. Maybe her reading really changed her.
"I am not pushing this one. She is the one acting like we are in a long-distance relationship. And plus, people die yes, but why can't people choose how they get to die, not someone or something taking their lives from them?" I asked.
The question came out harsher than I intended.
"Rin, that's the thing in life. People get to control what they want in life, but they can't control how they die. You are saying this because of your parents. Them dying could have happened to anyone. It's not your fault that they died and you should stop carrying the guilt that they died because of you. Guilt is a bad thing. It is worse than death," the queen said.
Her words were gentle but sharp.
I knew she meant well, but she should know it's not easy for someone like me to just pretend like everything is fine.
If I didn't make them take me out then they wouldn't have been dead, and I wouldn't be blamed for it.
It was such a simple thought, yet it dug into me every time.
"....."
I didn't know what to say. The silence pressed on my chest. I stared at the ground and tried to breathe slowly.
But then, from the cave's entrance—
"Wow, this isn't how this place was the last time I stepped into here. What an upgrade this is," Selene said as she walks in.