Date: 11 July 2025
Day 2
Today was a gloomy day, who will be happy knowing that they will die in 5 years, that to a teenager whose life didn't even start. I just locked myself in and was thinking, why? What did I do to get this? Did I sin too much? Was I a bad person? Did I hurt others? People who do all this don't get these types of problems, then why me? I was lost in a void of my own thoughts.
My thoughts were rounding up only to one thing, how? How did I get a disease like this?
I couldn't get myself up to do anything. Even if my body had the strength to do it my brain gave up on me. Couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, couldn't talk about this to anyone, couldn't bring myself to share this, even to my bestest friend.
Things were getting really messed up, so I decided to get some rest. I took my headset and put on some music. Halfway through, and I still couldn't sleep. I didn't know how to calm myself. I was blank. Ever got the feeling of just flipping the finger and leave everything you are doing and just vanish from the world? That's exactly what best describes how it was.
Knock! knock!
It was mom. She called me for dinner. I acted that I'm a sleep. She left. A sigh of relief. At least she won't know that her son will die in 5 years, at least not for now. I started to think how my mom and dad would react, they would be crushed if they came to know. What about my younger brother Flin? What would he do I he came to know?
As these thoughts crossed my mind, I got a text from Carly. I could say she sure was mad at me, as I didn't show up to school yesterday or today. She was furious, cursing me in every language she knew. Kinda scary if you ask me, to have a friend who would literally kill you for small things. She was the only person I trusted. But I really couldn't bring myself up to tell her that I would "be gone for good" in a few years. No one would have the heart to accept something like this.
So I pulled out the most used lie anyone could think of, I fell ill so I couldn't make it.
She asked me," Andy, is everything ok?"
I saw those words and I couldn't resist any longer, tears gushing from my tired eyes, I hardly cry but this, this I couldn't resist. I just switched my phone off and silently cried my eyes out. Sometimes you just realise that life is really cruel to you.
This made me realise that I couldn't do anything about it. I had to do what I love the most.
After I settled down, I opened my book and wrote a list of things I wanted to do before I died.
1. To complete my thesis on wormholes
2. To make my parents proud and land my departure from the world as gently as possible
3. To experience teenage love(yes I'm a single ass kid)
4. To make others happy with what you can do
5. To go for a really long drive alone or with the person I loved the most
6. To do something really adventurous
"Why am I unable to think of the things I could do in 5 years." I said to myself scratching my head. Then I started experiencing the same pain as before, this time it was a little more severe. My doctor gave me a pill that would reduce the pain. I pulled myself together inspite of the pain and took a pill. It relieved me a little immediately.
I decided to take some rest again. I was really scared of being alone. Not because I would go away but because I may not get the chance to say goodbye to those who mean a lot to me.
I slowly closed my eyes and dozed off.
(Hey! Hey! Hey! Where are you? Andy! Andy! Where are you? Why didn't you tell me before you left? Andy come back!)
I got up drenched in my own sweat. "It was a dream! It was a dream!" I calmed myself. I took a look at the watch, it was 2 am. Then I started writing the diary. Can I ask you all a question? What is it that keeps you awake at night? I asked it to myself and everytime I ask it, I'm clueless, but today was different. I knew exactly what kept me awake today.
It was the fear of never waking up again.
Hope I overcome this fear soon and am able to sleep peacefully at night.