"Well, maybe we got lost in translation. Maybe I asked for too much. But maybe this thing was a masterpiece till you tore it all up." -T.S.
Dani and I trudged through the sand, the air was the coldest it'd been since we got here. I laughed a little to myself because the Hawaiian air was never not humid. But of course the night my life falls apart, the world has to show it's watching. I was still in the stupid bathing suit. It didn't help fight against the cold. And while I know Allie and Jacob took Justin to a hotel, I was worried I would walk in and see his smug face. I don't know whether I would yell again or cry harder. But I wasn't ready to find out.
We finally made it to the backyard, the twinkling lights reflected over the pool water, creating a shimmering glow I couldn't enjoy. My brain was in complete survival mode, I couldn't focus on anything but putting one foot in front of the other. We were finally able to see inside the kitchen, I glanced, praying Justin wouldn't still be there by stupid chance. Luckily only Hunter and Nancy were in the kitchen, it seemed they were cleaning. Nancy had a broom and was sweeping the floor around the island, while Hunter was wiping the counters. I assumed they were cleaning the mess Justin made.
Dani was still walking beside me, one hand on my back, the other around my arm. I didn't even realize how much of my weight she was holding up until she moved forward to open the door and I lost my balance. We walked in quietly, though we quickly captured the attention of both of them. Hunter's eyebrows immediately pinched together, his expression read as pity, whether he meant it or not, I couldn't tell. Nancy on the other hand, had a scowl so deep that if she held it any longer she was going to need Botox at the ripe age of 24. My eyes jumped from Nancy, to Dani, to Hunter and back to Dani. The air around me thickened as Nancy slowly opened her mouth, like she was also going to let me have it. But Hunter jumped in before she could get the chance.
"Hey Auggie," Hunter's pout turned into a soft smile. "Are you okay?"
Words wouldn't come out, even if I was screaming on the inside, so I just slowly nodded. Tears threatening to fall again, I felt a small squeeze on my forearm from Dani. Like she was reminding me I wasn't alone, I had her to lean on.
"I'm sure Hannah already let you have it so I won't add to the fire, but what you did was really shitty." Nancy finally said as she leaned the broom on the edge of the counter. She looked at me up and down, like she was sizing me up. "But Justin's also to blame, so I'm sorry to hear what he did, him showing your…sex tape…yeah, you didn't deserve that." Her scowl slowly softened around the edges. Hearing the word 'sex tape' out loud made me feel extremely disgusted. It hadn't even crossed my mind that what I thought was sacred and intimate was truly just some weird form of…porn? I shuttered at the thought. I felt even more embarrassed as they watched me quietly, waiting for me to say something. Anything to break the awkward tension.
"My sex tape," a weak, uncomfortable laugh escaped my lips, I felt so detached from myself. Words I never thought I'd say. "I guess that's the price I pay for being so naive." Though, truthfully I think I'm paying the price for having been with someone so broken, because hurt people always hurt people. Just like I hurt Erik, because I was hurting.
"August," Dani pulled my arm gently, our eyes met at an instant. "You are young. You're going to mess up again because everyone does. But Justin showing Erik that video is not your cross to bear. He took something so personal to you both and completely tainted it."
"It was my mistake to film it in the first place. I'm soo fucking stupid." A knot formed in my stomach thinking of that night. We had all gone out as a group, drinking until we couldn't feel our toes. Justin and I had been sending each other flirty texts all night. And then finally when everyone went to bed, we went to bat. At the time it felt like we lit the room on fire that night. Every moan we sighed, every kiss we shared felt heightened. It felt natural then to want to remember that moment. To film it so we could look back and try to get that same high. But now…now I'm trying to find a part of me that he didn't touch so I could still feel like myself. And now here I am talking about my 'sex tape'.
"Nah Auggie, we've all been there, I've got my fair share of filmed mistakes. It's nothing to be ashamed of." Hunter said with a grin, his smile a jarring contrast to my internal wretchedness.
Nancy huffed. "I just want you to know I'm upset with you… for the sake of my friend. But Hunter's right. You're not the first to film yourself having sex, and you won't be the last. You just had the misfortune of doing it with Justin. He's hot, but vindictive. A toxic combination." She bit the side of her cheek.
Her words gave me an odd sense of relief, one that didn't quite make sense. But God, I needed it. She had every right to be angry. I was just grateful she wasn't going to keep beating this dead horse.
"Yeah, toxic…" the words slipped out of me quietly. They each gave me one last smile that tried to mask their judgement before they continued cleaning. The floor was covered in small shards of glass. I was barefoot but far from the wreckage. It must've been what Justin broke after our last argument. The counter had liquid all over the top of it, some spilled off the sides making a small pool of an orange colored drink. I knew Justin was mad, I just hadn't realized how mad.
We carefully examined the floor as Dani and I headed for the stair avoiding as much of the glass as we could. Dani stayed close behind, whispering strength into every step.
We finally made it to my room. The same bedroom I had shared with Justin almost every night. The one where I'd lost every inhibition, every care in the world, and even my virginity. Before, it was easily the best room in the house, now it's riddled with ghosts of my mistakes. Every square inch tainted by 'my sick need to be wanted by someone who wouldn't bat an eye in bringing me down.' Or whatever Erik said. Words I can't ever unhear.
As we made our way further in I looked around noticing little details I never paid much attention to. Like how the dresser drawers matched the floorboards but not the dresser itself. Or how one of the lights flickered ever so slightly every ten seconds. Or even how the curtains didn't match, each panel was different from the next. I noticed much more than I had the weeks before now that Justin wasn't taking up every second of my night. And yet somehow even after everything, I was still thinking of him. My sick need, indeed.
Dani helped me over to my suitcase, we plopped down searching through all my clothes before picking out a grey pajama set.
She let out an exasperated sigh. "I wish there was more I could do for you. Your perfect little pout is tearing my heart in two."
I hadn't even realized I was pouting. I quickly shifted it into a tiny smile, enough to let her know I was still in here somewhere but not reaching my eyes.
"You being here is doing more for me than you can ever imagine." I scooted closer to her, leaning my head on her shoulder. "You are single handedly keeping me from…" I sighed. "From spiraling into eternal sadness."
Her arm reached under my chin, wrapping around my head while I was still leaning on her. "My girl, I'm so sorry for all of this. I know I said you could get burned but I didn't think Justin would set the earth on fire."
I lifted my head off of her shoulder, and slowly brought myself to my feet. "I'm gonna shower. I'm okay, you're welcome to stay or step out if you have anything to do."
"You know what," she finally stood up from the ground and adjusted her shorts. "I'll take advantage of this time to go shower as well. Marshall and I have been slowly packing these last few days so I don't have much else to put away."
I nodded, and looked around the room. My room was a mess. There were clothes and shoes scattered around everywhere. All of my bathing suits were in a heaping pile in the corner of the room. I hadn't even begun packing, it never even crossed my mind. I was so busy trying to make my last couple of nights 'riveting' that I put my responsibilities on the back burner. Dani instantly noticed where my head was drifting to.
"And when I get back we're gonna lock in and get you packed okay?" Her perfect smile appeared across her face. It was so grounding, so reassuring that I let myself believe for a split second that I was okay.
Again not trusting myself I just nodded. She walked out shortly after, leaving me alone in the wake of my mess. I set my pajamas on the bed as I walked over to the nightstand trying to find my phone. After a few seconds I found it on the other side of the bed. I was nervous to unlock it, fearing the scathing texts Erik might have sent me. But there was none. Not even anything from Justin. Only a handful of missed calls from Mallory.
I paused for a second, wracking my brain on whether I should text Erik or call him. I wondered if I even had the right. I grabbed my phone and my pajamas and headed for the bathroom. Hoping to get some clarity in a room that didn't feel like a million phantoms of myself dancing around me.
Except there was no escaping, because the minute I turned the lights on, my eyes caught a glimpse of a bright green toothbrush next to my pink one. Justin's extra toothbrush he would bring in hopes I would let him in. I did. Every single time. So I walked over, grabbed it, and tossed it in the trash can. Letting myself get rid of the physical evidence from my mistakes.
I glanced around the room, searching for any more traces of him. There was none except for the memories we made here that were now etched into my mind. I took a deep breath and set the pajamas down on the counter. I unlocked my phone again but this time I opened up my text thread with Erik. The last message he sent completely shattered my already broken heart into microscopic pieces.
Erik: "that smile is dangerous. I'm gonna have to gain some self restraint not to give you the world outright."
He had sent it hours before destruction. Hours before he found out the truth that I wasn't deserving of the world. I shut my eyes and immediately I was transported back to the moment when he saw the video. His face showed pure disgust, pure disappointment. He saw me in a different light, one that he probably didn't expect. My heart sped up as I remembered just how much anger he had bubbling up inside him. His voice echoed through my mind, his words cutting me open once again. And the truth was that I deserved that. All of it. Not the world. But hell on earth.
And I don't know what came over me when my fingers started typing away and hitting send before I could stop them.
August: "Erik. I'm so sorry. I know that will never be enough but I am so incredibly sorry."
Except I was met with a green bubble. The bubble that was once blue, was now green. And in iPhone terms… It meant he blocked me. Or maybe I'm overreacting and he's up in the air without service and my messages just aren't going through. That had to be it.
So I quickly opened up Instagram and searched his handle. I was met with "user not found". I went to my profile, searched through my tagged photos and the pictures he tagged me in were no longer there. And my last ditch effort was going through the pictures I had tagged him in. Again his name was nowhere to be found. It finally became very clear to me that I was blocked. I jumped over to our Teams chat, desperate for something, and amongst the fifty unread messages I had, Erik's name was at the very top. The time stamp from his message was an hour ago. Probably right before he left. But there was no preview of the message, so it could be anything.
My hands trembled as I hovered over his name. I decided to wait until I was with Dani to open the message. Unsure if I could handle anymore heartbreak. Because if it was something I didn't want to hear then I didn't want to be alone. I locked my phone and gripped it tightly to my chest. My breath was shaky, my lip quivered and within seconds a new flood of tears filled my eyes.
And now every sweet moment we shared flashed through my mind. The memory of his laugh filled my ears. The lingering taste of his lips flushed my skin. And then the words he poured on paper rang back to me. I don't know what hurt more. How he had bettered himself because he wanted to give me the world. Or how he had so much hope for me and for us to build something that could last for forever. I ruined something so good, so right.
I dug my nails into my palms, hoping that physical pain overshadowed the hollowness caving in my chest. But nothing was working, so I decided to finally shower. Maybe I could wash away any remnants left by Justin's touch. Or maybe the water would wash away my tears. I just needed a reset before I completely spiraled again.
I turned the water on, letting it get hot before I finally started taking off the bathing suit from hell. I let the hot water trickle down my body, the steam enveloping me. I started with my scalp first, shampooing my hair gently. Massaging my scalp, hoping to ease some tension. And then I scrubbed my body, avoiding my freshly tattooed arm. I scrubbed so hard I feared I might bleed, but I wanted to wash Justin off of my skin. I needed his touch to not linger on me. I no longer wanted to recall what it felt like to have him wrapped around me, on top of me, in me. I wanted it all gone.
And then I did something I hadn't done in a very long time. It was so long ago I couldn't even remember the last time I did it.
I prayed.
I prayed to God, to the universe, to anything or anyone that would hear my hopeless pleas. I prayed that all of this was a nightmare, that my mom hadn't faked cancer, that I hadn't slept with Justin, that I hadn't hurt Erik. I even prayed that I would wake up and somehow I was four again. Eager to run downstairs, to find my dad drinking his morning coffee at the kitchen table, while my mom made me heart shaped pancakes. Back when life was simple and the only thing I had to worry about was skinned knees not broken hearts.
I cried as I begged God to stop my life from continuing to fall apart. I let out a loud whimper. One final attempt to get him to listen. I was desperate to see immediate change. But there was nothing else I could do except let the water carry away all of my indiscretions, even if it wasn't strong enough.
I turned the valve until the water completely shut off, but I couldn't move after that. My legs felt like they had weights attached to them and no matter how hard I tried I just wasn't strong enough to move forward. I closed my eyes and tried again. Except this time I prayed that I would gather enough strength to move, taking one step at a time. Not the big picture but the micro movement that will get me to the end eventually. And to my surprise it worked. I garnered enough energy to open the shower door and reach for a towel. The entire bathroom was filled with steam from the shower. But the sharp cold hit me instantly. I wrapped the towel around myself and walked over to the sink.
The mirror was foggy, I extended my hand out and wiped it enough to see my reflection. And I struggled to see myself. And strangely enough, for a few seconds I looked like a spitting image of my mom. Growing up we'd always joked about me being the alt version of her. I had all of her features just darker. Her eyes were blue and mine were brown but they were the exact same shape. Our hair was very fine but we had a lot of it, both would fall into loose waves. Hers blonde mine brown. We both had a cupid's bow lip. Except mine were fuller than hers.
We had so many similarities yet so many differences at the same time. But I never imagined I'd echo her cruelty with my own. I guess they're right, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, especially if the seed was rotten to begin with. I exhaled on the glass, watching as the fog blurred me out again. I didn't want to be reminded that maybe I was more like my mom than I would ever care to admit.
But then that made me think of Justin. If I was just like my mom…does that make him just like his dad? There was so much anger in him that I hadn't seen before but not once did I fear him hurting me with more than just words. But was that because there were people around us? He had clearly shattered a glass, even if I wasn't there to see it. I felt my stomach drop as I compared Justin to his very abusive father. It almost felt unfair. Because I could still see his eyes filling with tears as he told me about his childhood. I could still see the expression on his face when he said he never wanted to have kids because he was worried about being just like his dad. Yet here I was making him the villain he feared to be.
It goes without saying that I hate Justin. But no matter how much I hate him, making him the villain doesn't make me heal any faster. But I wasn't ready to forgive him. Not when he hasn't earned it. Not when he hasn't even asked for it. If that time ever came, I don't know how I could forgive him. What I do know is I am too broken to see him. He doesn't have the right to see me this distraught, not when he's the reason.
I let the thoughts slowly drift away as the steam did the same. I patted my skin dry and slipped into my pajamas. Following the rest of my nighttime routine of moisturizer, brushing my teeth, combing my hair and then I grabbed my phone and shut the lights off as I walked back into my room. Dani still wasn't back so I decided to busy myself by beginning to fold all of my clothes. I started with the pile of every bathing suit I wore. Each one held a haunting memory of Justin. Starting with the black two piece set that I wore the first night here. The night gravity was too much for us to bear. Then I folded the red one piece that held the memory of Hannah wanting to see my room while Justin hid in the bathroom after we had just told ourselves we would stop hooking up. One by one I folded them into little pieces, reminiscing on a time I now wish to forget.
After a few more minutes of silently folding, I heard a soft knock at my door. I knew it was Dani but a sliver of me hoped Erik hadn't gotten on the plane and turned back around so I could apologize and try to make it right. But I knew it was a pipe dream because seconds later, in walked a freshly showered Dani.
"Oh good, you started!" She walked in wearing a towel over her head, a white tank top and linen grey shorts. She somehow still looked put together despite more than likely being ready for bed.
"Uhm yeah, I just wanted to get these out of the way." I held up my emerald green swim bottoms and flung them over to her by accident. I let out a small, genuine laugh. She lightly tossed them back and found a seat on the floor next to me.
At first we quietly folded my shirts, and tucked them neatly away in my suitcase until Dani's phone rang. Marshall was calling to let us know Mallory had made it to the airport and was probably already boarding. She hung up shortly after and continued on with the folding. My brain however wouldn't stop thinking about the message Erik sent me on Teams. I wanted to finish packing before I even began to delve into what could possibly be waiting for me when I clicked open but the more time went on the more anxious I felt.
Dani noticed my shift and glanced over at me. "Everything okay?" She asked as she tucked another tank top in the suitcase.
"Yeah…no." I nodded slowly. "I have one more favor to ask." I stood up off the ground and walked over to my phone. She looked confused as I sat back on the ground and handed her my phone.
She raised an eyebrow. "What's up? Do you want me to call Mals for you?"
I nodded again, letting out a long sigh. "I need you to open the message Erik sent me on Teams. I'm like 99% certain he blocked my phone number but he sent me that an hour almost two hours ago now so it must've been as he was leaving."
She hesitated at first, probably wishing she wasn't being pulled this deep into my wreckage. But she relented, unlocking my phone and opening the Teams app. She opened the message and immediately her face twisted. But I couldn't read what he said from her reaction. She stayed quiet for a moment, probably unsure of what to tell me.
Until finally she parted her lips and began, "Auggie, I'm sorry he—"
Without skipping a beat I reached over and grabbed the phone. I couldn't handle the 'not knowing'. I turned the screen towards me and my heart dropped as I read the message.
Erik: "I'm having all of your stuff moved out of my apartment and back to the Marino's storage. You can pick it up whenever. I won't be responding after this message. Don't try to reach out."
It was cold, direct and that almost gutted me more than realizing I had nowhere to go when we landed. My phone fell out of my hands and my tears fell next. Seconds later I felt Dani's arm wrap gently around me as my head stayed dropped in my hands. My sobs grew louder than I wanted them to be. Because not only did I break Erik's heart in the process, I broke my own too. And now I was left stranded with nowhere to call home. I hated Justin even more.
"Shhh, it's okay." Dani whispered in my ear but nothing was going to comfort me now.
"Dani, I—" I raised my head out of my palms and glanced over at her. "I don't have anywhere to go. I'm—" I almost couldn't even bring myself to say it out loud. "I'm homeless."
"Don't be ridiculous, August." She scowled at me. "You know you have Mallory and if it came down to it we can make some arrangements so you could stay with Marshall and I. I told you this before," she wiped my tears with her hand. "You're not alone."
Her words shattered me even more, I let out a louder sob. Her grip around me tightened as she pulled me into her chest, rocking me back and forth. I let myself fall into her. I had no fight left in me, no energy to push against the current, I had nothing left but regret and shame. And I blame Justin for all of this, but I also blame myself. I don't know how I expected to have my cake and eat it too. What made me think I could fall for Erik and fuck Justin in the same breath? Thinking I would come out of this unscathed. I am more naive than I ever thought I could be. My mom was right, I wasn't ready for the real world.
We sat on the floor for what felt like hours, my tears slowly began to dry as Dani still held me tightly in her arms. The ache in my chest was now just a dull throb. Though the feeling of emptiness widened. Each thought raced through my brain as I looked back on the entire trip. From the plane ride of despair, to the drunken mistake I kept making with Justin, and then to Erik and his thoughtful gestures that proved he would move mountains and find rare flowers for just one glimpse of my smile. And then a thought crossed my mind, that no matter what Erik would do for me I would still run to Justin.
And that's when it hit me. It wasn't just sex, it couldn't be just sex. Not when Justin cared for me in ways I never imagined and definitely not from someone who was supposed to be unattached. I think the minute I cried in his arms over my mom we were doomed. I had known I felt something shift between us but I couldn't quite pin it. And then it was stupid luck that we kissed each other during truth or dare, it was pure stupidity that we drunkenly collided into each other whether we had sex or not on the first night. But regardless it had led to my 'great awakening'. I had asked more of him than I even knew I was asking. Sure it was just sex at first, but the second we got that out of the way was when all our walls truly would come down. We would sit there for hours talking, laughing and sharing quiet moments, knowing the only thing we would regret was not getting enough time together. Because in the morning we'd have to go back to pretending. Pretending like I wasn't jealous at the thought of him being with Hannah. Pretending that just sex between us was enough. Pretending like he hadn't made promises I wouldn't admit I wanted him to keep. Because the truth was I had fallen for Erik but somewhere deep down I had fallen for him too.
And maybe I was slowly falling apart knowing I wanted to be with Erik while still trying to hold on to Justin. Whether it was for sex, for comfort, for more than he was capable of giving. Maybe it was because he was my first. Maybe things would have been different if it was Erik I had slept with first. But I can't turn back time and now I'm collapsing because I gave everything to Justin and he didn't fight for me. Not once. While Erik proved he could give me everything I needed in a partner. I could see a life with Erik. I envisioned all the future trips, the holiday traditions, the whispered 'I love you's' we would say because it was what we felt. But with Justin, it was bleak. And somehow I still wanted more from him, I still expected more. I had this convoluted idea that I would fix him. Change him into the man of my dreams when in reality the man of my dreams existed in Erik. And now I'm broken because both mattered but neither chose me.
"Why didn't Justin fight for me?" I whispered, but I immediately covered my mouth because I knew I shouldn't be asking questions there were no answers for.
"Because men are idiots," Dani said instantly, her voice soft but certain. "And he's no exception."
"And why do I care that he didn't fight for me when Erik did?" My voice cracked mid-sentence, splitting clean in half on the word care, like even it didn't want to be part of this mess.
Dani didn't answer right away. Just wrapped her arms around me tighter, brushing a strand of hair away from my cheek. She tilted her head to really look at me, the way only someone who knows you better than you'd like to admit looks at you.
"Because you wanted him to," she finally answered. "Because even if you didn't mean to, you let yourself hope that you had changed him. That maybe this time, he'd show up. Be louder than his fears. That you were the thing that would make him choose someone more than himself. And maybe you had hoped that to him, you were worth fighting for."
I opened my mouth to argue but there was nothing to say. So I shut my eyes, trying to ignore the fact that she was right…
"And just so we're clear?" She nudged me back just enough to find my eyes. "You are worth fighting for." Her voice was softer now, like she knew I might flinch at that. "Erik knew that. He showed you, every time. In every way he could. This was never about who's better, August. It's about the one who made you feel seen… and the one who made you feel everything. Truth be told, I don't think what you two shared was just sex. And deep down? You weren't waiting for him to chase you…you were waiting for him to give you a reason to stay. Instead, he just made it easier for you to leave. Because he is just as scared as you are about what you two really meant to each other."
"What's wrong with me Dani? I just broke Erik's heart, just found out I have no home to go to and the only thing I'm worried about is whether or not Justin felt more for me than just hooking up? The same guy that exposed my biggest secret. The same manchild that showed Erik a video that was meant for no one but us. There has to be something seriously wrong with me, right?" I asked, even though I knew she wouldn't have an answer that would fix it.
She inched closer, eyebrows pressed tightly together. She was hesitating longer than I would've hoped. That could only mean something was seriously wrong with me and she just didn't know how to tell me without sending me into yet another spiral. Erik was right. I did have a sick need.
Her arm extended out to mine, squeezing gently as she exhaled. "You wanna know what's wrong with you, August? You're human. Going through human emotions, and human problems. That's not even me including the fact that you were raised very sheltered. So this is new to you. All of it. The sex without the commitment, the chemistry between someone so toxic, to be wanted by someone who wanted you one way but not the other. Yeah, it's painful. But doesn't mean something is wrong with you."
I nodded softly, though I didn't agree with her. There had to be something wrong with me. This isn't normal. It doesn't feel normal. My body was numb, my brain exhausted, and all I wanted was to crawl into bed, but as I looked around, I knew I had more work to do. So we kept folding, mostly in silence.
Occasionally Dani would check in, but she didn't pry. She probably sensed I needed a break from all the heaviness. But my thoughts wouldn't leave me alone, not when I'd lost Erik because of my own selfishness, not when I knew he never wanted to see me again, and definitely not when Justin still took up so much space in my chest, even after tearing me in half. And somewhere beneath all of that, my heart was still splintered from my mom's betrayal.
I didn't know how much more I could take before I came completely undone. But for now, I would fold my clothes. I would let the silence settle. Let the weight sit where it landed. Until the thoughts went quiet. Until the ache loosened its grip. Until I could breathe again.