"Living for the thrill of hitting you where it hurts. Give me back my girlhood, it was mine first." -T.S.
The tacos were done, the plates were full, and the air around me felt heavy. Everyone gathered around, ready to take on the next part of our final day.
We sat, laughing, eating, enjoying the moment we'd made together. I even let my guard down for a little. I let myself feel okay, like maybe I could just exist without overthinking everything.
But then I'd look around the kitchen and it would all come back. Back to this morning. Back to asking Justin if he had to think of me just to get it up. Back to the way his silence sliced me open. Back to the heat behind my words, and the fury behind his.
I took another bite, hoping it would help. Hoping I could chew through the nerves crawling under my skin.
But then I looked up. His stare was already there.
And it wasn't a see-you-later kind of look. It wasn't longing.
It was ice. It was fire. It was rage where lust used to live. And no matter how full I was, something in me still felt hollow. I had to leave the warmest bed I'd ever known and pretend like everything was just the way I wanted it.
But that's the problem, isn't it? This is what I said I wanted. To be with Erik. To call him mine. To build something real with someone who never cuts me down just to see me flinch. He'd lift me up, treat me like he won me, not like I was already his to ruin. But now it feels like a curse. Like every good part of me doesn't exist anymore. Like I left them behind in that bed. Like Justin took them with him. All because I wanted to do what? Fuck?
Seconds later I was pulled out of my menacing thoughts when I realized Allie had just asked me a question.
I shook my thoughts away. "I'm sorry I'm in La La land over here, what was that again?" I turned to look at Allie who had an expectant smile.
"Spokane? At the end of October? I think we had mentioned it the other day but Jake and I were looking at rental houses so we just want an estimate on people going, so we know how many rooms we'll need." She took a bite from her taco and patiently waited for my response.
We had left for Hawaii at the beginning of September, and while October felt far away, it was just around the corner. I was a little overwhelmed planning another trip while we still hadn't left from this one. I turned to look at Erik whose smile was soft and sweet. He nodded slowly, like he was telling me we should go. I felt his hand glide over my thigh and he gave my knee a gentle squeeze.
"Yeah count us in, I've never been but I heard it's beautiful!" I finally responded.
Jacob laughed lightly and turned to face me. "It's absolutely gorgeous. My family is from there, so I try to visit a few times a year. I figured this year we can make a trip out of it. So far everyone is in, so we may have to get two houses but hey, the more the merrier."
"We used to go up there when I was a kid. My grandpa had a small cabin." Justin paused, then looked right at me. "You'd love the hikes. Some of them are a little tough." That smirk. That voice. "We all know you love a hard climb." He wiped his mouth with a napkin revealing an even deeper smirk, knowing exactly what that word would do to my stomach. I tried ignoring it as best I could, like he hadn't just tossed an innuendo on fire right into a casual conversation. It was fun before, his little undercover jokes, but now it just feels loaded. I rolled my eyes, playing it off as best as my nerves would let me.
"I've always wanted to go! We should go Nancy!" Hannah turned to Nancy who had an agreeing smile. They laughed into each other's shoulders before turning back to the group.
"It's so lush and green out there. Count us in!" Dani raised her hand slightly, her smile as perfect as always.
Dani's probably the best thing I'm taking from this trip. We were always polite, professional. Coworkers who kept it surface-level. But now she feels like one of my best friends, the kind I didn't know I needed until she was just… there. This whole trip, she's been my tough love, my steady head. The voice I needed, even when I didn't want to hear it. With my mom out of the picture, I knew I'd need a village. I'm glad she's part of it now.
The conversation flowed the way it usually does. A dumb joke from Jake, Hunter adding to the dumb joke and then we moved on to three different topics in that small time frame. I was always glad at how quick everything would move. Even if I sometimes feel like I don't have my footing, it beats staying in my head so much. Especially when Justin's piercing gaze cut through me more than it ever had. But I could tell despite everything this morning he was fine. Laughing. Joking. Like we hadn't said all those things. Like I didn't shatter right in front of him. I guess the joke's on me, then. Because I'm the only one still bleeding.
I felt Erik's arm glide over my shoulder, pulling me in closer to him. I didn't fight it. I was exhausted, I needed quiet comfort amongst the chaos I created. I turned to look at him, a lazy smile greeted me. I took one more bite from my taco before pushing the plate away from me. I couldn't stomach any more food. Without skipping a beat Erik grabbed my plate and his, taking it to the sink. The others followed suit, drifting to the sink, clearing plates like clockwork. I tried to help but they made me stay in my seat, even if my sore ankle was feeling better now. But once again my exhaustion didn't let me put up a fight. I watched as everyone worked together to get the kitchen back to its original state. In my head though, the kitchen was tainted. Splattered with words I couldn't take back, nights that would never be mine again, stolen moments that should have never come to fruition.
This entire trip I had felt only small drops of guilt, maybe even regret but sitting here right now I was riddled with it. Wishing I could take it all back. But then I wondered, if Justin had fought for me, for more, would I still feel this way? Would the guilt be gnawing its way out of me? Or would some other sick feeling take its place. Because in the end, I liked Erik, I got to know Erik romantically. Maybe not sexually, not yet, but the spark was real. The goal was to be with Erik but somehow Justin had infiltrated every inch of my brain that even though I'm with Erik there's a piece of me missing. And somehow, that felt like the worst betrayal of all.
After a while the kitchen was put back in place, we all quietly shifted outside. The sun was starting to set beyond the horizon. The humid air had cooled. Twinkling lights flicked on, casting a soft golden glow that mingled with the orange streaks of sunset. It should've been calming, I should've felt like my life was complete, but I just felt empty. A hole so deep I wouldn't know what would fill the spaces in between. But I couldn't dwell, not when the world around me was still spinning. I forced myself out of my head. Everyone was talking about Allie and Jacob's wedding plans and I threw myself into the conversation.
"Wait, so you guys don't want the whole big fat Greek wedding?" I chimed in, voice steadier than I felt.
"Nah, my sister did that and it was overwhelming. Besides, I don't care about that, I just want to be married to her." Jacob joked but there was no hint of irony in his words, his hand met Allie's and the gleam in his eyes made my heart flutter.
"We're still being invited though right? Trust me you want to invite me, I give the best gifts." Mallory laughed into her drink.
"If we don't elope then yes, Mallory, you will be the first to get an invitation, we promise!" Allie smiled at her and rolled her eyes playfully.
The banter continued around me as drinks were passed around. I wasn't in the mood to get drunk, so I nursed a vodka Red Bull while the others started pounding shots like it was their last night on earth, which, in some ways, it was. Little by little, the tension in my shoulders began to melt. I laughed a bit louder at the jokes, joined in with more than just a nod. I even made fun of myself from time to time. For a while, everything felt lighter, easier, like maybe I could do this.
I wasn't dreading Mallory leaving tonight. I wasn't dreading moving into Erik's penthouse. I wasn't even dreading the way Justin was watching me as he threw back his sixth beer, like I was still a secret he wanted to swallow.
I even enjoyed the glass of champagne Dani forced into my hand.
This was our last night in paradise. I deserved to enjoy every second of it.
What happened with Justin still hurt but I couldn't let it consume me. Not tonight. I think the guilt will always eat away at me until I'm honest with Erik, but for tonight, I can pretend my life is perfect. For tonight, I can pretend to be the perfect August I used to be.
The laughter roared as everyone talked about the best thing they were taking home with them. Mallory joked about having to buy a new suitcase from all the new outfits she bought. Hannah beamed at all the handmade jewelry she scored. And Marshall couldn't wait to pop open his bottle of white pineapple infused rum he and Dani made on one of their excursions.
"That's cool and all but I'm going home with the biggest catch! I'm going home with a fiancé." Jacob grabbed Allie's hand showing off her gorgeous ring. We all laughed until Erik spoke up, a sneaky smile plastered on his lips.
"With all due respect Jacob, that is an amazing catch, but I definitely think I'll be taking home the best prize." Erik gleamed towards me under the twinkling lights and for a moment I let myself believe I was the prize. Yet somewhere in me I was still looking for Justin's gaze. For his reaction to what Erik said, for what he lost. But Justin wouldn't meet my eyes, he kept his gaze glued on the beer bottle in front of him. He didn't even flinch. So I flicked my gaze back to Erik, and I wrapped my hand around his. Letting our fingers intertwine as I pulled him in for a soft peck. Tonight, I was his prize.
"Well I'm just glad I'm not going home with an awful sunburn." Hunter joked, the irony that he was redder than a hot cheeto had everyone almost in tears from laughing so hard.
"You look like Larry the lobster off of spongebob," Hannah covered her mouth as the words slipped through her laughter.
"I warned you about reapplying! I wasn't just being annoying," I added.
"Yeah, yeah whatever." He rolled his eyes playfully, taking a sip from his beer.
"Okay so I shouldn't get too buck wild but please can we do more shots!" Mallory squealed as she sat on the edge of her chair. Dani stood seconds later with an all knowing smile. Mallory and Dani looped arms as they basically skipped into the kitchen. I groaned a little but I couldn't exactly say no to one more shot with my best friends.
The rest of us sat around still chattering as they gathered the shots for us. Dani and Mallory breezed back outside. Mallory had a tray of shots in her hand, while Dani held one hand behind her back and a smirk on her lips.
"Oh, almost forgot." Dani revealed a bottle of Dom Perignon with a grin. "Someone owes someone a very expensive bottle of bubbly."
"No way you actually remembered that." Justin said, laughing under his breath.
"Of course I remembered," Dani said, practically bouncing. "You were so annoyingly confident. You said vodka, I said tequila. And August—"
"Vodka," I said quietly, remembering that night all too well. The way Justin had leaned back in his chair like he knew me better than I did. Like the answer had always been obvious.
Justin arched an eyebrow. "That was weeks ago."
"Yeah, and you won fair and square, vodka boy. I pay my debts." Dani winked and handed him the bottle along with an empty glass.
I looked over at Erik, his eyebrow slightly arched. I shifted in my chair towards him. "They made a stupid bet about what liquor I would like best. Justin swore I was a vodka cran girl but Dani said I was a tequila lover through and through, and…" I raised my can of vodka Red Bull, with a begrudging smile. "Vodka." I whispered.
Justin held the bottle like it meant something. Like maybe if he stared long enough, it'd tell him what to do. But then he poured the glass, smooth and steady, and walked it over to me without hesitation.
"Ladies first," he winked, voice just low enough but there was something behind it. He used to say that all the time when we'd hook up. Always told me I needed to be taken care of first. My heart skipped as he lowered the glass. It felt possessive without even trying. "Since you're the reason I won."
I took it from him slowly, heat creeping up my neck. I could feel Erik watching the whole thing unfold, his gaze sharp in the space between us.
His hand, now on my knee, stiffened slightly. Like he'd just picked up on a frequency he hadn't tuned into before.
"That's... sweet," he said, and I couldn't tell if he was joking. I think neither could he.
I smiled too brightly and took a sip I didn't want. It tasted expensive and bitter.
"And I still hate champagne," I joked, trying to break the tension tightening around us.
"Vodka," Erik echoed, tilting his head toward me. "Guess Justin knows you pretty well, huh?"
His laugh was low, almost threatening, but his smile didn't give him away. My chest tightened. I took another sip. The bitterness clung to the inside of my cheeks as I tried to laugh off his question.
"He likes to think he knows everyone pretty well," I said softly, hoping he wouldn't catch the shift in my breath.
Justin watched us closely, like he was looking for cracks, tiny fractures between Erik and me. But I wouldn't let him see it.
I leaned into Erik and handed him my glass, whispering just loud enough for him to hear. "Try it, tell me what you think?"
He took a small sip, smiled, and set it on the table. "Yeah, I'm not a fan either," he said, and then he leaned in. His thumb touched the tip of my chin, tilting me just enough for a kiss that was soft but felt almost like a claim.
The bottle was passed around, everyone splashed the effervescent bubbles in their cups until all that was left was an expensive shell. I took another gulp, facing the group as they laughed and enjoyed their $300 sip. And then without a chance to breathe, Mallory handed the shots to everyone.
"I'm sorry you guys, Dani convinced me to do vodka since she was commemorating this moment for August and Justin." Mallory grimaced as she took a whiff of her shot glass.
I grabbed the glass and brought it up to my nose. The smell instantly transported me back to the plane ride, when Justin had added the second little bottle into the cranberry juice, both giggling at our newfound friendship. And then a second later I was back to the moment in the pool when he brought the bottle in one hand and Red Bull in the other, convinced that vodka was my booze of choice. And then finally to that same night where we may or may not have slept together. Laughing on the floor, passing the bottle of Belvedere back and forth until the edge of my consciousness blurred into nothingness.
Dani cleared her throat, capturing everyone's attention. "Well this is it, the last night here on this beautiful island. Cheers to surviving all of your crazy asses."
Cheers echoed around us, as we threw back the jet fuel of my doing. The liquid burned slowly as it traveled down.
After the shots we slowly trickled into different groups, a few people went into the pool, some back inside mixing drinks but I stayed at the patio table, my hand slipping in Erik's. We sat quietly facing the horizon, the same place we sat on his first night in Hawaii. So much had changed between us. And even though I was still uneasy, I let myself enjoy his presence as we listened to the waves crashing on the shore down below mixed with the laughter coming from inside the house behind us.
From the corner of my eye, I saw Hannah and Justin passing the bottle of vodka like it was water. I tried not to watch, but I felt him anyway. The way he poured another shot like it was nothing. The way his laugh got louder, more hollow, more forced. Like if he didn't drown it all down fast enough, something else might come up instead. But I shook the sight off of me and turned back to Erik.
"How's your ankle? Haven't checked in on you about it." He said softly, his fingers grazing mine.
"Honestly," I looked down at my ankle, shifting in my seat slightly, "it's not as bad anymore. I know I haven't rested as much as I should but the ache is duller than earlier." I said, taking a small sip of the champagne.
"Good, but we should probably make an appointment for you when we get back home. I know urgent care said it was fine but a second opinion would ease my nerves a bit." He leaned down and grabbed my leg, placing it gently on his lap. He applied a little pressure as he slowly massaged my ankle. It felt nice knowing he was worrying about me. It felt nice to hear 'when we get back home' because he was home now. But then the thought of Justin massaging my ankle in the bath tub flicked through my memories, like deja vu. I pulled my ankle back down, like the memory had burned me.
"Sorry, that hurt a little more than I expected." I awkwardly smiled at Erik through my lie, he looked even more concerned.
"Yeah we're for sure getting that checked." He placed his hand on my thigh and his thumb mindlessly caressed it. I reached for his hand and wrapped it around mine, pulling myself back from the memory of Justin. He didn't hesitate to pull me in for a kiss, I didn't hesitate to kiss him back.
And I could've stayed there forever if Hannah hadn't interrupted. "Hey love birds. Can I steal you August? All the girls are gonna do shots inside." She pointed at the kitchen behind us, a playful smirk plastered on her face and a beer in hand.
"I didn't forget about you Erik!," she handed him a beer as I stood up slowly. I glanced back at Erik, he gave me a subtle nod and a small smile, bringing the beer up to his lips. I turned to follow Hannah back inside where all the girls gathered around the island.
"Auggie! Come join us for a shot, I told the ladies we had to have one more, just us girls!" Nancy shouted as we entered through the back door.
We made our way over to the kitchen, Nancy handed me a shot glass filled with a bright pink liquid. I didn't want to get drunk but I couldn't say no, not to girlhood, not to feeling a part of something, especially when it felt like I finally belonged. Allie, Dani, Mallory, Nancy, Hannah and I lifted our glasses and threw them back. The drink was sweet with a quick burn, my muscles eased instantly. I knew if I had one more I'd be at the sweet point.
Hannah glanced over to the backdoor and smiled as she bit her lower lip. "One more? Before Mallory has to go?"
Mallory checked her phone, and her face lit up. "I have about two hours before Marshall and I have to hit the road," she paused, "let's do it!" She exclaimed. Immediately the bottle was passed around as each of us filled our shot glasses.
Two more shots and I was definitely feeling the haziness of the liquor as I tried to steady myself. Dani had gone outside to be with Marshall who was in the backyard, trying to start the bonfire. She took the speaker with her to 'start the party'. But the rest of us wanted to go for one more shot. I finally had reached my limit and decided against it. I started making my way to the backdoor when I noticed Justin sitting in my seat by Erik. I paused for a second, feeling uneasy. But then their shoulders lifted slightly which could only mean they were laughing. The girls stayed behind, cheers filling the house as I opened the back door quietly.
I limped back out, careful not to interrupt, just inching closer, hoping to hear without being noticed.
It seemed okay at first but then I heard it. Justin laughed a little too loud and said, "I mean yeah, she may seem sweet, innocent, and just so perfect, but secretly dude, she's wild."
I couldn't make out much else so I walked a bit closer.
Erik huffed and said "yeah, yeah man. Sure." He brought the beer to his lips, I could tell he was tense but he was just waving Justin off, like he didn't want to partake in the conversation.
But Justin kept pushing it further, like he just couldn't help himself. "Don't believe me? Let me show you." Justin laughed, and then pulled his phone out. A few seconds later it became obvious he was talking about me. Through the sounds of the muffled music I heard my moans clear as day. I heard the familiar rhythmic noises of us having sex, and then I heard my pleas for him not to stop, then me shouting Justin's name.
My chest tightened, my knees buckled underneath me at the realization that he was showing Erik the video we took a week ago. The one I asked Justin to film because we were drunk and reckless, convinced we were making a memory worth keeping. Hearing that being played back made my blood boil, but seeing Erik's face, filled with disgust and disappointment made me sick. I stood for a second unsure of what to do, Erik watching, Justin still grinning, proud of it. That alone sobered me. I ran over, limping to them and started shouting at Justin.
"What the fuck is wrong with you!" I yelled, grabbing Justin's phone and locking it, praying the sound of my moans wouldn't echo in Erik's head. Justin shot up from the seat and grabbed the phone from my hand. Seconds later Erik stood up, his expression was unreadable while Justin still had a stupid grin on his face.
"What August, I was just showing Erik how wild his girlfriend is." He turned to look at Erik, his playful demeanor still intact. But Erik stayed stoic. Unbreakable. Justin wasn't letting up though, he wanted a reaction, so he tried again. "Oh man, she was a great fuck. Probably my favorite. But word of advice: she loves being eaten out, she can't ever get enough of it. So make sure you know how to use your tongue." Justin smirked like he had won. I pushed Justin back slightly, and that's when I smelled the strong scent of booze on him, stronger than earlier. I noticed the slur in his words. He was drunk, very drunk. "She's insatiable—"
"That's enough man, I get it. You can stop being disrespectful." Erik gently grabbed my arm and pulled me aside, cutting between us, but now face to face with Justin. They stared at each other with anger. I felt a knot in my stomach. I was starting to get scared it would escalate. I looked around to see if anyone else was around, but everyone was in their own worlds, probably unable to hear over the music that was now loud.
Justin let out a humorless laugh and stepped an inch closer to him. "You wanna talk about disrespectful, Erik." He said slowly, then he turned to look at me. "Ask August how many times we fucked the day we were supposed to be 'mad at each other'. Better yet ask her how many times she told you she was too tired to hang out and just wanted to go to sleep, only to turn around and text me to sneak into her room. You know what, ask her about the night you called her because you wanted to talk to her but she cut the conversation short. Can you guess why? Well that one's easy, 'cause she was already on top of me, waiting for you to hang up so she could continue riding me. So don't tell me to stop being disrespectful, when she's the fucking queen of it."
I wanted to scream, I wanted to punch him, I wanted to cry but I was frozen. I couldn't move, it was like my mouth was glued shut and I was glued to the floor. I couldn't believe he was doing this to me. Spilling every secret we promised to keep.
"Oh and when she finally lets you hit, 'cause I know she will, just know she likes being in control. Or likes to think she is. Just let her act the part, it's cute. Trust me." Justin's words slipped out of him like poison, and I did nothing to stop him.
Until a switch flipped in me and I stood between them again, finally having the strength to shove Justin back a few feet. "Fucking stop Justin. That's enough! Quit being a fucking pig." I shouted but it was too late, the look on Erik's face told me everything I needed to know.
"What? I'm just telling him the truth. Because we both know you were never going to. Want to know the funniest part? She fucked me every night, begged for more but she somehow still chose you. I mean it makes sense. You're the safe choice." Justin wasn't smiling or laughing anymore, it looked like he was challenging Erik to say something back but he didn't. Erik didn't give him the satisfaction he was looking for. He took every word on the chin without flinching, somehow that was worse.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?" I shouted, giving him one last shove. "You're a fucking asshole, I hate you!" Tears finally streamed down my face as I kept pushing Justin. Erik looked at me for half a second, just half. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. He didn't wait. He just started walking away. He didn't run. He didn't yell. He just left. And that silence screamed louder than anything Justin had said.
"Erik! Wait." I started running or attempting to run after him. But Erik wasn't stopping, he walked faster, throwing the back gate open. Marshall and Dani noticed what was happening and started rushing towards Justin who was now throwing the patio furniture.
"Erik!" I shouted again, my voice cracked as I pleaded for him to listen.
He finally stopped in his tracks and twisted around to face me. He'd shown no emotion at first, but now I could see it, he was angrier than he'd let on.
"What, August? What the hell can you possibly say to make this any fucking better? Huh?" His face searched mine for answers, but I had no defense. "I just saw a video of you fucking him. How are you going to lie your way out of that one? 'Cause the crazy part is, had he not shown me proof I would've never believed it. I trusted you that much." He walked closer to me, his anger was now at the forefront. The tears continued streaming down my face, because he was right. There was nothing I could say to fix this but I had to try.
"Erik, please, I'm—I'm sorry. It was never supposed to go this far." My words caught in my throat, I could barely speak through my sobs but I pushed through. "This isn't how I wanted you to find out. I was going to tell you—"
"When, August?" He cut me off. "When were you gonna fucking tell me?" He ran his hands over his face, still unable to control the seething anger that was more obvious than earlier, "I was so fucking naive. I was afraid to even kiss you, not because I didn't want to, but because I didn't want you to feel like I was using you, especially after what your mom did to you. And I didn't want you to think I was only after one thing, because I wasn't. I was willing to wait for however long it took because I saw myself building a life with you. Instead you treated me like a fucking joke."
"You're not a joke and this was never a joke to me. I want to build a life with you Erik. I wasn't lying when I said I saw a future with you. I didn't lie when—"
"I know you weren't lying 'cause I was your safe option right? For when you finally realized that Justin just wanted to fuck you and nothing more? I gave you every chance to be honest with me. I asked if there was anything there between you two, something more than just some dumb kiss in a stupid game. If you needed to figure things out. I begged you. And you still looked me in the eye and lied."
"Cause it was never like that, there was nothing to figure out with him, it was just sex, Erik please."
"Don't be so fucking naive, August, it's never just sex." His eyebrows stayed pinched together, but his voice lowered, disappointment filled the spaces where anger once was. That shift gutted me worse than his yelling ever could.
"And with him…how did you even–? No, I don't want to know, I'm done, August. I was ready to give you the world but clearly you were too busy building that with someone else." He scoffed, looked at me up and down, "I was right, you never fail to surprise me."
We stood quietly for a second. The words caught in my throat like shards of glass. I knew now nothing I could say would fix this. His eyes welled ever so slightly as he spoke up.
"I don't want to know anything else, but I just have one question." He paused for a second, letting out a deep exhale. "Did you only say yes to me because he didn't ask first?"
"What?"
"Did you say yes to being my girlfriend because he didn't ask you before I did?"
"No, I said yes because I do want to be your girlfriend. Not because he didn't ask me. It was never going to progress more than that. I meant everything I ever said to you. I just got caught up in a moment."
"See the problem is now I don't believe you. And I don't think I can trust anything you ever tell me."
I felt my stomach drop, like I'd just fallen through the floorboards of something I thought was still standing. "Erik. I know—"
"No, August. I think the problem is you don't know. Because if you did know then we wouldn't be in this situation," his voice began to raise again, the anger refilled inside him. "I wouldn't have just seen a video of you fucking somebody. I wouldn't have heard you yelling his name. Begging for him not to stop. Because if you knew, if you truly knew," he stepped closer to me again, hovering over me just enough to make my head look up to him. "Then maybe I wouldn't be feeling like every moment we ever had together was tainted by your sick need to be wanted by someone who wouldn't bat an eye in bringing you down." He didn't even flinch as he said it. "I just hope he fucked you well enough to fill that void."
His words landed on me like punches, and before I could say anything else he turned around and left. I tried calling out for him but it was no use. He wasn't going to turn around anymore, he was gone and I couldn't chase him. I felt my knees give out beneath me and I dropped to the floor, sobbing, feeling like the rug was pulled out from under me once more. The sand dug into my knees. I tried to gasp for air, but it was like the ocean had stolen every breath from my lungs. I was alone in my despair, 'cause no one mourns the wicked. The waves crashed loudly next to me, mimicking the agony I felt.