"For you, I would cross the line, I would waste my time, I would lose my mind. They say 'she's gone too far this time.'" -T.S.
The heat from last night still lingered on my skin, but it was quickly replaced by a gnawing ache in my stomach. My head felt heavy as I shifted under the covers, and the familiar discomfort made me instantly regret the vodka I'd indulged in. I hadn't even thought about it last night; I was too caught up in Erik's touch, in the heat between us. But now, as I sat up slowly, I could feel the weight of what had happened. The high of it all began to fade, leaving behind only the dizziness in my head and the emptiness in my stomach.
I turned to look at Erik, who was sprawled out on his side of the bed, soft snores escaping him. I pressed a hand to my forehead, trying to steady myself. "Great," I muttered under my breath, realizing I hadn't even checked in on how I felt about last night.
It wasn't supposed to be like this, something so real, so intense, with Erik. This wasn't how it was supposed to happen. Even if we hadn't taken it all the way, we took it further than we'd ever had before.
But I had no time to think about it further because my stomach decided to remind me that whatever I'd consumed, it didn't agree with me.
I threw the covers off gently and stumbled quietly toward the bathroom. By the time I was halfway across the room, the wave of nausea hit. I barely made it to the toilet before I was on my knees, the world spinning around me.
After what felt like an eternity, I finally managed to stand and rinse my mouth. The fresh air of the bathroom did nothing to settle the queasiness in my gut. I grabbed a robe and slipped it on, deciding the best course of action was a quick trip to the kitchen to get some water. Erik was still sound asleep, I tried to throw up quietly, embarrassed for him to see me like that and I was thankful he didn't even stir.
I tried to move quietly, closing the door behind me but I could already hear a faint sound of movement from the den. It was too late. Justin was there, stretched out on the couch, his body taking up more space than it ever had in my mind, even though I'd told myself to stop thinking about him like this.
I paused in the hall that connected all the rooms, my heart thudding in my chest. He looked so… peaceful, as though nothing had happened between us. As if we weren't on the verge of exploding in opposite directions. The argument that started out as fake had turned into something so real, and now it hung between us like an invisible storm cloud. I could see it in his face, he was still asleep, but it was that half-asleep, too-aware look that made me wonder if he'd heard me walking around.
I inhaled slowly, turning to make my way past him as quietly as I could, but the floorboards creaked under my weight. Of course they did. I started debating whether I should go back to my room and pretend I didn't see him. But just as I started to move again, he stirred, blinking awake.
"August?"
I felt my chest tighten. Of course, he was awake. The lingering tension from our argument wasn't something that could be ignored. I wasn't ready to face it just yet, especially not this early in the morning.
I didn't need him pulling me back in.
"I'm just getting some water," I said, forcing a smile that didn't feel natural.
His voice was groggy from sleep. "You okay?"
I didn't want to answer him. Not after everything. Not when my body felt so off-balance, my stomach still sour. I should've been focusing on my own feelings about Erik, not him. Not Justin.
"Fine," I snapped a little too quickly, my words betraying the distance I was trying to create. "Just… needed some water."
There was a pause, the kind that stretched long enough to make the silence feel heavy. I couldn't look at him, at least not now. Not when everything felt like it was hanging by a thread.
Then, unexpectedly, he stood up.
"August."
The way he said my name… it was softer, almost gentle. And that made everything inside me freeze, like I was being pulled in too many directions at once. But I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it.
"I'll be downstairs if you need me," I said quickly, my voice almost too rushed. I didn't look back at him as I turned toward the steps.
I just needed water. That was all. But just as I was approaching the final step, I heard the sound of rustling behind me. Of course he followed me. I ignored it as best as I could and made my way to the kitchen, fully aware of how quickly he caught up to me. He can't ever leave well enough alone.
"August. You're not okay. You look extremely pale." He muttered softly, and I felt his arm tap my shoulder for a brief second, causing me to face him. His face pleaded with me, but I pushed past. I was just a hot girl in a bikini after all.
I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms. "I'm just hungover. I need water." But my body betrayed me. In an instant, my stomach twisted violently, the feeling of the vomit creeping up faster than I could stop it. I didn't even realize how fast Justin had moved to grab an empty trash bag.
I fell to my knees, and he came down after me. His hand hovered near me for a second, hesitant, almost as if waiting for me to tell him to stop, but then it was there—his hand gripping my hair tightly enough that I didn't have to worry about it getting dirty. He said nothing at first, but his voice was full of concern when he muttered, "Let me help you."
I didn't answer him. The bile burned my throat as I threw up last night's dinner. The noises that came out of me almost made me want to die. The last thing I needed was for him to see me this vulnerable again. I had been able to hold my liquor well, but not last night.
His other hand rubbed my back in soothing circles, his touch hesitant at first but steady now. He leaned closer, his breath warm against my ear as he said, "Please August, let me help you."
I hated that I needed him. But right then, there was no denying it. I wasn't going to push him away anymore. His presence, his care, was exactly what I needed.
Finally, after what felt like forever, my body stopped. I could feel myself shaking as I kneeled on the ground. Justin had already let me go, but just as I tried to stand, his arms flew around me, gently guiding me back on my feet. I didn't want to need him. I didn't want him to help me. I was still so angry, still so upset.
But as I took my first step, I instinctively reached for his hand. With the same instinct, he wrapped himself around me, grounding me as he walked me over to the couch.
I sat down, tears streaming down my face, hating every part of this: throwing up, the sensations, the sound, the taste. Not to mention the emotional twists I was still trying to navigate. I heard him rustling the bag of my last night's decisions as he cleaned up. I leaned my head back on the couch, my eyes closing, trying to fight off the dizziness.
"August."
His voice called my name softly, and when I opened my eyes, I saw him holding out a glass of water and the trash can in front of me. "Here, rinse out your mouth and spit it in there."
I took the glass as he set the trash can down, and I followed his instructions. He came back with napkins to blow my nose, so once again, I did as I was told.
My entire body ached as I blew my nose from all the exertion I just did. I could hear Justin in the background moving around but I didn't dare to look back in fear that I might make myself sick again.
Instead I did one more rinse, spitting into the trash can, hoping to take the taste out of my mouth. I set the glass on the coffee table, then I shifted my body on the couch and laid down. Closing my eyes because every movement I made felt like a rollercoaster ride. I could feel sleep pressing on my head even though my stomach still wasn't settled.
A few moments later, I had drifted into the middle land where you're asleep but still aware of everything around you. I felt my body shake lightly, it was Justin waking me up.
"Hey, August please eat this." He whispered softly, his hand grazing my arms slowly. I opened my eyes just enough to see him extending a plate with a few crackers and a piece of toast with butter. I nodded my head and turned my head to face away from him. I can't even think about eating right now.
"August. Eat the crackers at least. They help with nausea." His voice was firmer this time like he wasn't going to take no for an answer.
I stalled for a second longer until I started sitting up, and he helped me without hesitation. Immediately, my head spun again. I'm never drinking again.
For a second, his eyes narrowed on me, but it wasn't my face he was looking at. It was lower, it was at my robe, which had fallen open, exposing the fact that I wasn't wearing anything underneath. Heat rushed to my face as I shifted slightly, but before I could reach for it, Justin did. He closed it for me, his fingers lingering just a second longer than necessary before he pulled away.
His face was unreadable, but I knew his thoughts were spinning the minute he gave me a tight-lipped smile.
"I—" I started, feeling like I should say something.
"Please just eat something." His voice was clipped, his movements swift as he set the plate in my lap and turned away before I could fight him on it again.
I stared at the plate for a second longer before grabbing a cracker and splitting it in half. Bringing it closer to my mouth as I took a small bite. Justin came back with a glass of POG juice, he set it on the coffee table. He moved over both the glass of water and juice and he sat on the edge of the coffee table watching me as I took another unwanted bite of the cracker.
I could tell he wanted to say something but kept hesitating. Each time he parted his lips, I swore it would be the time he'd finally let me have every thought he was holding back. But he didn't. Instead, his jaw tightened, and his fingers drummed against his thigh before he grabbed a cracker from my plate and ate one. Like maybe eating something would make him swallow the words he was biting down on.
I took a small sip of juice and my stomach was so empty I could feel it go down my throat and fall into my stomach. His eyes wouldn't leave my robe, I knew exactly what he assumed happened but I wasn't going to give him the information willingly. I was still mad at him. No matter how thoughtful and caring he was being right now, I was still upset.
I took another small bite as Justin grabbed another cracker from my plate, chewing slowly, watching me with an unreadable expression. But then, too casually, maybe too neutral, he asked, "You okay?"
His tone was even, but there was something else under it.
I swallowed the dry bite of cracker, ignoring the way my stomach twisted—not from nausea this time, but from the weight of the question. He wasn't just asking if I was sick. He wasn't just asking if I was okay.
But if he wasn't going to say it out loud, I sure as hell wasn't going to answer.
"I'm fine," I said, and took another bite.
His eyes searched mine for the answers I was refusing to give. His eyebrows furrowed as he let out a sharp exhale. "August, last night… I shouldn't have—".
We heard a noise coming from upstairs that stopped him mid sentence. He turned to face the stairs and both our eyes shot up, mine a little slower, still feeling groggy. Nancy met our stares as she made her way down. Realizing we just caught her sneaking out of Hunter's room. Now it makes sense why Justin was sleeping in the den. Part of me thought that maybe he was waiting for Erik to leave so he could swoop in.
But there I am again…thinking his world revolves around me. Maybe he's right, maybe I am just a hot girl in a bikini. Nothing more. Nothing special to him. My thoughts circled for a minute until Nancy finally made it all the way downstairs.
"Oh uhm hey I didn't expect anyone to be up so early…" her eyes narrowed in on us for a second. She eyed Justin, who was just in pajama pants and no shirt, and me in just my robe. She stared like she was filing this away in her mind. "What are you guys up to?" Her eyebrow raised slightly and suddenly I realized how close Justin was to me.
"Well someone was in my room and I was asleep in the den but I heard vomiting so I came to check on her down here." He answered without hesitation, like he had practiced it.
"I went a little hard on the vodka last night." I rubbed my temples with my fingers. I felt a slight breeze from my robe but I didn't dare to look down to see if it opened, I didn't want to draw any more attention to us. I really don't think she's thinking anything about this other than the fact that she knows she got caught. But I couldn't risk it.
"Mhm. Right. Well, don't let me interrupt." She sauntered off leaving us to stew in whatever the hell that was. She left through the backdoor giving us a wink and a wave in a beat before leaving completely.
Justin immediately stood up right after she left, and ran upstairs. Now he was leaving me behind kinda confused and wondering if he was ever going to finish his sentence.
I set the plate on the coffee table and laid back down, hoping sleep would pull me under completely this time. But it didn't. It teased me…pulling me just deep enough to lose track of time, only to let me surface again, hazy and unsettled. Every time I drifted, I'd wake to the lingering echo of Justin's voice, that sharp exhale, the unfinished thought. My stomach twisted, whether from the vodka or the unanswered questions, I wasn't sure. But I kept my eyes shut, willing myself to let it go. To let him go.
When I finally felt myself on the borderline of drifting into deep sleep, I heard footsteps approach the couch I was laying on. I kept my eyes closed assuming it was Justin. But a gentle hand pressed around my waist and a different familiar voice cut through my grogginess.
"August. Are you okay? I woke up and you weren't there anymore." Erik kneeled down meeting me at eye level.
I opened my eyes enough to see him staring at me, patiently waiting for my response. I rubbed my eyes with my hands and finally sat up. He sat on the couch next to me and shifted his body towards mine.
"Yeah I'm okay. I woke up really hung over. I'm surprised you didn't hear me throwing up." I let out a breathless laugh but his eyebrows furrowed.
"No. I'm so sorry I didn't hear a thing." His hand reached for mine and I took his small embrace.
"I came downstairs to get some water and some air, but I could barely move. My entire body is aching, and my head won't stop spinning. I'm never drinking again." I shook my head lightly.
He looked around at the coffee table and noticed the drinks and the plate. "Oh good, you're eating something and staying hydrated. Well, I'm glad you were able to at least do that for yourself. I'm sorry I wasn't there to help you." His eyes watched me softly. His face showed concern.
Justin finally came back downstairs. He nodded at Erik, his gaze lingering for just a second longer than necessary. Erik didn't look away either, but his hand stayed firmly clasped around mine, a small but noticeable gesture that seemed to hold Justin at arm's length.
Justin cleared his throat lightly. "Have you finished your toast yet? We should probably get you something a little more filling. Let me finish cleaning up and I'll make you something."
As Erik's hand held mine, Justin silently moved past him, grabbing the glass of water from the coffee table and handing it to me without a word. The gesture felt like a quiet reminder that he'd been here, taking care of me.
I watched Erik's reaction intently but he didn't give me one. His expression from earlier never faltered. He squeezed my hand gently before giving me a small kiss on my cheek.
"I'm gonna go shower and change out of these clothes. If you're feeling well enough later maybe we can go do something." Erik let go of my hand and stood up, I saw him give Justin a quick nod.
As Erik walked out the back door, Justin's gaze lingered on me a moment longer, his lips pressed tightly together, like he was waiting for something. When I didn't offer him what he was looking for, he looked away, though his expression didn't soften.
I turned away from the kitchen and looked down at the glass of water in my hand. I couldn't deny that Justin was there for me when I really needed him, even if I didn't want him to be.
"Think you can stomach eggs? Or do you just want cereal?" His tone softened now. I stood up from the couch and made my way over to the counter and took a seat on the stool.
"I don't want anything. I just want to sleep." I put my head down on the cold counter, the coldness was a stark difference to the warmth I felt on my face.
Moments later I felt his hand on my back, he leaned and whispered in my ear. "Please eat something and I promise to leave you alone for the rest of the day."
I lifted my head up and faced him. We were so close, our breaths now tangled like a promise we couldn't keep. "Okay. Cereal." I leaned my head on his and then I immediately laughed. "I'm sorry my breath probably reeks," I covered my mouth and leaned far away from him now, feeling kinda embarrassed.
He couldn't hold his laughter much longer. "I wasn't gonna say anything but…" he grabbed my head with his hand and bumped both our heads together before he let go and headed for the pantry.
I narrowed my eyes at him as he walked away. I'm mad at him. August. You're mad at him. I had to keep reminding myself I was mad at him 'cause everything he was doing was making me unmad at him.
He walked out with a box of Raisin Bran cereal. And now I was definitely mad at him. He placed it on the counter and watched as my face grimaced. He let out a sharp laugh and walked back to the pantry. This time he walked out with a box of Lucky Charms tucked in his arm and a big grin on his face.
"Don't worry. The Raisin Bran is for me. And look, I even made sure Dani got you the kind with the extra marshmallows." He pointed to the box that said in big words NOW WITH EXTRA MARSHMALLOWS. I couldn't help but let out a louder laugh than I expected. He walked over to the fridge taking the milk out and then grabbed two bowls from the cabinet. He set everything down in front of him and I watched as he prepared my bowl for me.
He set the bowl in front of me and put a spoon in it. I hesitated for a moment, I genuinely wasn't hungry but I figured he'd gone out of his way, I would at least try. We ate our cereal in silence, it reminded me of the night we had cereal together after we went skinny dipping. We didn't talk much, if at all, just enjoyed each other's presence. Except now everything is much more complicated than before.
Before we were starry eyed, like playing with a new toy. Except somehow the novelty never wore off and now we were battling other people from playing with our still shiny toy. And we were toeing the line between what we wanted and what we needed.
He watched as I took another spoonful up to my mouth, he was almost done with his cereal, I had barely even made a dent. Though most of my marshmallows were all gone. I set my spoon back down into the bowl and the loud clinking noise sent a sharp pain into my head. This hangover felt never ending. We ate in the peaceful quiet for a moment longer.
"I'll be here when you're ready to talk," Justin said softly, his voice low, almost hesitant.
I didn't respond, just gave him a tired nod. He stayed for a moment longer, watching me with a kind of patience that made my heart ache in ways I wasn't sure how to process. Then, without saying anything else, he quietly picked up his bowl and moved to the sink, giving me the space I hadn't asked for but desperately needed.
I stayed there for a while, staring at the bowl in front of me, until the weight of my head and the unrelenting throb behind my eyes told me it was time to give in. With a sigh, I made my way back to the couch, curling up against the cushions, hoping the silence would drown out the chaos swirling in my head.
Justin had stayed in the kitchen a while longer, his movements slow as he rinsed our bowls and wiped down the counter. The sound of the faucet running, the clink of the dishes, was all I could hear as I tried to drift off into sleep. After a few minutes I heard his footsteps pass me as he made his way to the stairs, his presence lingering even after he left.
Moments later I could hear his footsteps again, except this time he made his way over to where I was laying on the couch. He didn't say anything, just moved with that same quiet care as he walked back toward the couch, a soft blanket draped over his arm. He didn't ask if I was cold, just laid it over me gently, the warmth of it a quiet comfort. "Get some rest, I'll be close by if you need anything," he murmured, his voice barely above a whisper. And then he was off again…I could hear him heading upstairs, the soft sound of him settling into the den after.
I settled into the couch, pulling the blanket tightly around me and finally falling into the deep sleep I had been craving all morning.
I leaned on the cold railing for support, I could barely stand, let alone walk. My pulse quickened as he walked up behind me and admitted he wanted to kiss me again, to taste me on his lips. I gripped the railing knowing I couldn't resist it much longer. Before I knew it, I closed my eyes, turned around and kissed him.
His lips were softer than before, and his hands were needier, hungrier than before. He pulled back for a second, he had a look on his face I didn't recognize. Because I couldn't recognize him. His face was a blur, I could only see past him. But that didn't stop me from hearing the words fall out of his mouth.
"This is gonna sound crazy but I think I'm gonna marry you someday."
Everything around me felt hazy, I looked down at my hands and I had double of everything. I leaned back on the railing for support, but his words pressed into me just as much as his body.
I'm gonna marry you someday.
I turned back to face the horizon, to catch my breath but seconds later I felt his hand on my waist again. I felt his warm breath on my neck, teasing where he's going to kiss next. He found a spot that sent tingles coursing through every vein in my body. He turned me around and kissed me again.
The words escaped me between every kiss before I could stop them. "Is it crazier that I think I am gonna marry you someday."
I pulled back, straining to see his face, but the world outside was swallowed in darkness. No matter how hard I looked, he remained just out of reach. I could see his dark silhouette against the ground but I didn't know who he was. I could see the outline of his hair in his shadow. But it was messier than it's ever been. I needed to see him, to see his reaction that he was my future. I pulled his arm and started walking him back into my room.
Now that we were inside I turned to look at him. And a huge smile formed on my face when I saw—
"August." A voice, somewhere far away. Gentle, but insistent. A hand on my shoulder, firm but careful. "Hey—August."
I gasped awake, disoriented, my body still burning with the warmth of the dream. My pulse pounded in my ears, my breath uneven as I blinked against the light. The room around me was too still, too quiet just too real.
Justin. He was crouched beside the couch, watching me with that same careful patience I had come to expect from him when he thought I was breaking. His hand lingered on my arm.
"Are you okay?"
Justin's voice was low, careful, but I could hear the thread of concern underneath it. His hand had already pulled back from my arm, but I swore I could still feel the weight of it.
I swallowed, my mouth dry. "Yeah… yeah, I'm fine." My voice came out hoarse, unconvincing. The dream still clung to me, unshakable. My body felt too warm, my skin too sensitive, like it remembered something I wasn't supposed to.
Justin didn't move, didn't blink. He was watching me, waiting.
I hesitated. "Was I—" I exhaled, shifting under the blanket. "Was I talking in my sleep?"
His expression didn't change. "Yeah." A pause. "You were."
My stomach turned. "What did I say?"
Justin didn't answer right away. His jaw twitched, his fingers flexing where they rested against his knee.
"I dunno," he finally said, too casual, too dismissive. "You were mumbling. I couldn't really make it out."
I searched his face for any hint of a lie, but Justin was already pushing himself up, rubbing the back of his neck like this was nothing, like I wasn't sitting here trying to remember what the hell I might have said.
"Just wanted to make sure you were okay," he added, already stepping away. "Get some rest, August."
And then he was gone, leaving me alone with the ghost of a dream I wasn't sure I wanted to remember. Right then and there I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. I checked the time on the clock and it was 8:37 in the morning. The house was still quiet, everyone was probably still sleeping off the heavy drinking we did.
I sat up on the couch for a moment and I wrapped the robe tighter around my body. Trying to find some comfort where I knew I couldn't. The dream felt all too real, like I had seen this film before. But I didn't get to see the ending. His face was distorted and right as it started forming who it was, I woke up.
I took in a deep inhale and let out a sharp exhale. I stood up from the couch and decided to go back to my room, maybe I would fall asleep on my bed, maybe I wouldn't. But at least I would be in the comfort of my own space. I made my way up the stairs and right when I made it to the landing I turned to see Justin laying on the den couch, he still hadn't gone back to his room. He looked up from his phone with an eyebrow raised.
"You good?" He muttered.
I nodded slowly, fearing if I moved any faster the cereal would creep its way up. "Yeah I'm gonna go lay down in my room, maybe take a bath or something. I feel better. Thank you for—yeah…"
"Okay. Just glad you're feeling better. You do have some color in your skin now so that's good." He flicked back down to his phone and I went straight to my room without another peep.
I closed the door behind me, leaning against it for a minute, trying to find a way to gather myself. I turned to look at my bed and I was surprised to see it made. There was a small note on the pillow where Erik laid his head. I walked over and picked it up to read it.
"Some things seem near impossible but with you it's never impossible. -Erik"
My heart fluttered reading it, the fact that he made my bed was sweet all on its own. But the note, the words he wrote made me feel like a schoolgirl with her crush.
If he was still upset about Justin and the kissing stuff he played it off very well. I was grateful that he and I shared a moment last night. That we toed the line so closely but never crossed it. A restraint I had a hard time practicing with Justin. But those moments with Erik, his hands learning every inch of my body, his lips kissing away any aches. I know I wanted to have more of that, whether we crossed the uncharted territory he thinks I haven't seen…well I still don't know but for now I was okay cruising down that way without ever getting there.
I collapsed on my bed but unfortunately I could never find any solace in a house full of people. A small consistent knock was at my door.
"The doors unlocked," I shouted, not wanting to get out of bed. Seconds later the door opened and in walked Mallory, in her frilly pink pajamas. She shut the door behind her and leaned up against it with her arms crossed.
"Sooo I uh take it he didn't spend the night? Or is he in the bathroom and I should leave?" Her eyebrows were raised, giving me the I know more than you think I know look, she always gives me when she knows more than I think…
"Who are we talking about here?" I was going to make her say what she thinks she knows.
"Erik." She pushed herself off the door and walked over to the bed, taking a seat. "I could've sworn I saw him sneak in here last night." She looked around like she was trying to see if the room gave her any clues. "But hey my drunk brain could've totally mistaken him for Justin…seeing as he's practically here every night."
I sat up against the headboard and threw a pillow at her. She nearly dodged it. "I'm still mad at Justin."
"That's fair. So it was Erik. Were you able to work things out? Is he still upset at the whole kissing thing? Or did you tell him the whole truth?" Her tone shifted immediately from playful to serious without missing a beat.
"We didn't get the chance to really get into the conversation. I think Erik senses there's more between Justin and I but…I'm just not ready to talk about it." I brought my legs close to my chest and rested my chin on my knee.
She paused and stared at me for a moment, I could tell whatever she was about to say was either going to be overly cautious or overly blunt. "Normally I would say you need to be honest with Erik but I think you should hold off on the entire truth."
My eyebrow raised, this was something I wasn't expecting. "You're joking right? Cause a week ago—"
Mallory jumped to cut me off. "I'm not. Just hear me out."
"Just. The guilt I'm carrying for lying is eating me alive." I jumped in.
"I'm not saying to lie I'm saying… you don't have to rush to tell him everything. Not yet." She shrugged but she wasn't backing down.
I shook my head lightly, "that's literally the same thing, Mals."
She shot me a pointed look and sighed loudly. "No, it's not. Lying is changing the truth. I'm just saying maybe you don't need to hand it over on a silver platter when it's only gonna ruin things."
"It just feels like I'm not being fair to him. It's like I have this whole other secret life that I'm sharing with Justin and I'm purposely keeping him out of it." I looked at her for more answers but she was fresh out of them.
"I don't know what else to say, Auggie. But if he acted like that for you kissing him I can't imagine what he might act like if he found out you're having secret hot Justin sex."
"Well it's not like it matters much anymore. I think that ship has officially sailed after last night. Even if he did take care of me this morning. I can't get over him just seeing me as a 'hot girl in a bikini' and nothing more." I leaned back further on the headrest, closing my eyes because those words still sting. "I just feel like an idiot for thinking he saw me as something more than just a piece of ass. I should've known."
"He does not see you as just a piece of ass, if he did then he wouldn't be waiting in the den for you. I asked him what he was doing and he literally said 'I'm waiting for August to be ready to talk to me'. That's not a guy that sees someone as just a hot girl in a bikini." Her smile was a little more mischievous now.
"You're lying! He did not say that to you." I raised an eyebrow. Challenging her.
"Yes he did! Go see for yourself, he is on that couch just watching your door." She stood up from the bed and started walking to the door. I bounced up on my feet and pulled her by her arm.
"Mals!" I whispered as she opened the door. We both walked out and I turned to look at Justin laying on the couch watching us. We waved and slipped back into my room. Quiet laughter filled the room as we ran back on my bed. We laid down staring at the ceiling fan.
"Okay… maybe he is waiting," I admitted, propping myself up on my elbows before fully sitting up. Mallory followed, watching me carefully.
"But it's only because he's trying to make sure he can still sleep with me. I really shouldn't be so surprised." I scoffed, shaking my head. I should've known better.
"He's been telling me I'm just a piece of ass from the beginning. On the plane, he joked about Erik waiting to see me in a bikini before kissing me. Then he said, 'It'd be a damn shame' if I never wore one again—you heard that one yourself." I glanced at her.
"And he literally asked me not to get near him when I'm in a bathing suit because he, and I quote, 'wants to take me right then and there.' or how he wants to flip me around and–" I stopped myself, waving a hand. "Anyway. I don't know why that stung so much." I exhaled sharply. "I shouldn't even care what he thinks about me. But I do. And that pisses me off even more."
"Maybe he just has a bikini fetish?" Mallory cackled trying to break the tension. "I'm joking, but I just think he is using that as his defense mechanism, trying to make you seem insignificant because you're everything but that to him. Like maybe he doesn't know how to deal with how he feels about you."
"See I would believe that if he hinted at wanting more than just sex, but he hasn't. He doesn't want anything more, we've talked about it multiple times. And if he did want something real, it's Hannah he wants it with. That he has said out loud." I crossed my legs and leaned against the headboard. "And I want something real with Erik. But I keep running in circles. Back and forth from Justin to Erik and vice versa. I see this grand future for myself. I see marriage and kids and a white picket fence and a dog named 'Barkley', all the things that I know Erik wants. So why can't I drop Justin?"
"So have sex with Erik? I mean you've already lost your v-card so what's stopping you?" I thought for a second she was joking but the look on her face told me she meant every word she said.
"It's complicated…I don't know what my first time was like so I don't know if anything felt different or off to Justin like could he tell it was my first time? So if I have sex with Erik and he's expecting I don't know…some resistance down there and there's none? I would have to tell him at the very least I lied about being a virgin and have had sex before or he would just put two and two together and know it was with Justin."
"August you and I have had the same sex ed class, sometimes nothing even happens down there. And the only reason it hurts it's because guys don't know how to get a girl going, so of course there's a ton of pain from going in dry. You and I know virginity is just a social construct. Besides, it's none of his business if you've had sex or not."
"I know but I made it a big deal about it. I told him I was waiting for marriage. I was the one who held that so near and dear to my heart. And then I was the one who threw caution to the wind on a drunken night with my work enemy and became obsessed with it. He's gonna know something is up if I immediately know what I like."
"Well then don't jump straight into reverse cowgirl, ease into it by telling him missionary feels greeeeat." She let out a loud laugh and I finally couldn't hold in and laughed with her.
"It's regular cowgirl for me," I joked and she gave me a small push.
"I really didn't need to know that, hearing the noises from it is more than I ever needed from you." She covered her ears and scrunched her face, I could feel my face turning red.
"Erik and I almost had sex last night…" I felt my chest tighten as I admitted.
"I freaking knew it! Your shirt is on the ground right there and I see your boob right now." She laughed and pointed at my robe that had opened up again. I immediately tied it tighter around my waist hoping this time it doesn't expose anymore information.
"But we didn't because he doesn't want to pressure me into it because he wants my "first time" to be special. You see why I'm struggling here?"
"So beat him to the punchline, add some candles here and there, invite Erik over and tell him you're ready to get it in. Don't worry about what it's going to feel like down there for him and just focus on maybe playing it down a little bit. Like don't get super into it off the bat, be a little more shy. He isn't going to care as long as he senses you're having a good time. Erik definitely pegs me as a generous lover, unlike Justin who probably just jack rabbits and doesn't care if you finished or not."
"Most definitely not a jackrabbit and I always finish first– that's besides the point, I don't know I'll think about it. But don't worry, the days of making noises are behind us now. I think Justin and I need a sex break from each other. Or just a break in general." I grabbed the pillow in front of me and pulled it in close, like I was trying to find comfort in something after admitting this would be the end of Justin and I hooking up.
"Yeah I guess that shouldn't surprise me given the noises that come out of this room." She laughed as I tossed the pillow I had at her, hitting her in the chest and she tossed it back. "Maybe a break is what you need, but I still say you shouldn't tell Erik everything…" She stared at me for a brief moment. "Well I'm starving. I'm going to go get something to eat. Join me?" She stood up from the bed and stood at the door.
"No I'm okay, Justin made me eat earlier but I still feel sick to my stomach. I just want to close my eyes and sleep." I fell to my side and watched as she opened the door.
"I bet he's still out there with his puppy dog eyes just waiting for Auggie to let him in once more." She whispered as she made a fake pout, getting a small laugh out of me. She walked out before I could respond and closed the door behind her.
I laid there silently, taking in everything we just said. Maybe Mallory has a point of not telling Erik everything just yet, it would definitely ruin the rest of the trip not just for me but for him, and maybe even for Hannah and Justin. It wouldn't be fair to any of them. I know at some point Justin and I have to face the argument we had but right now I just need a breather from everything and everyone. I need to really think it over if I want to have sex with Erik. Last night was fun, and it feels nice to know that he does want me like that. And that I feel the same way for him, especially since it took everything in me to not tell him to take me 'right then and there'. I think it makes me excited to see Erik in this light. Because before I was nervous about him seeing me so vulnerable and exposed but now I was eager for our next moment alone, just to see how far it would take us. I stirred for a moment and really considered just telling him that I was ready. But in reality maybe a break from sex as a whole is what I need to gain clarity.
I exhaled sharply, still feeling so confused as I moved myself under the covers and took my robe off, hoping to let myself give in to sleep again. But the longer I lay here, the more my mind races, tangled in thoughts I can't make sense of. The exhaustion is suffocating, like I'm suffocating under all of it. My spine is splitting from carrying it all.
Though I can't deny how badly I want to call Justin in here, just to be in his presence, just to sit here and stare until the gravity's too much. And that's exactly what I don't want, exactly what I need to stay away from. But the thought of him still waiting outside is breaking me down, clawing me in ways I never expected. Until one fleeting thought circled my mind, this isn't just sex anymore. But before I let it settle in me, I had to remind myself that we both want and need very different things. That dragged me back to reality, back to the hard truth that we're not on the same page.