Days pass, and my life is now a cycle of waking up, glaring at my smartphone, and going to work. Sure, I'm still broke, but now I'm broke with a job. Progress? Maybe.
Every day at Fried Chicken Heaven, people talk to me. A lot. Customers smile way too much, co-workers ask me ridiculous questions, and some... flirt? Like I know what that even means but at least, I think they do. Honestly, I wouldn't know. Back in the cosmos, people didn't bat their lashes and giggle over spicy wings. Maybe Earthlings are just naturally weird.
Then there's the girl.
The idiot girl.
Without fail, she finds new ways to narrowly escape death. If there's a hazard, she'll stumble right into it. Spill water? Slip. Misstep on the sidewalk? Almost twist an ankle. Cross the road without looking? Instant vehicular doom. And who has to save her? Me, of course. Unpaid. Unappreciated. Unwillingly committed to the role of her part-time guardian angel.
The worst part? She's completely oblivious to all of it. Cheerful. Bubbly. An unstoppable disaster magnet. I swear she's going to make me prematurely gray-even though I'm eons old...
And if I'm not saving her, I'm avoiding that damn dog. Some days it's on a leash, its evil little eyes watching me from afar, biding its time. Other days, it's free. Chasing me. Mocking my existence. The only thing more sinister? The smartphone. Because no matter what goes wrong, it's clearly the phone's fault.
But today? Today is different. No work. No dog. No idiot girl. Just a glorious day of nothingness. It's the weekend!
Or so I thought...
BANG! BANG! BANG!
The walls rattle. My half-asleep brain registers the sound like a distant earthquake, but it's much closer. What the hell? It sounds like an ogre breakdancing in the hallway. Grumbling, I drag myself out of bed, rubbing the sleep from my eyes. Another loud crash follows. It's like someone decided gravity was optional and started launching furniture for sport.
"Of course," I mutter. "Even my day off can't be peaceful. Must be the universe's way of reminding me I don't deserve happiness. Thanks, smartphone. This is definitely your fault."
Another crash. My curiosity wins over my desire to stay in bed. I shuffle to the door, reluctantly flinging it open. And there she is.
A girl, tumbling backward at the stairs like it's some dramatic action sequence. Arms flailing. Hair flying. Eyes wide with the realization that she might soon meet her demise.
"Are you serious?!" I groan.
Without thinking, my powers activate. Time slows. The air thickens. I watch the chaotic ballet in slow motion, every second crawling by. I could probably run a lap around her and still have time to grab a coffee before she hits the ground.
But no. I choose to be the hero. Again.
I focus on the space around her, pushing the time slow just enough. The impact softens. The girl lands with a not-so-terrifying thud instead of a bone-breaking catastrophe.
"Idiot," I breathe out, walking towards her.
She blinks up at me, dazed but otherwise unharmed. Then I get a clear look at her face.
"Wait a damn second!" I point accusingly. "You're that idiot girl from my favorite restaurant across the street!"
Her eyes widen, cheeks flushed. "That was uncalled for!"
"Uncalled for? You're a walking hazard! I should've known the universe wouldn't stop at the restaurant. Now you're invading my personal space too?!"
The girl huffs, brushing her hair out of her face. "First of all, I'm not an idiot. And second, my name is Akari Saitou. Your new neighbor."
Neighbor? Oh, fantastic. Just what I needed. The human disaster moves in next door.
As I stand there, still baffled by my rotten luck, she dusts herself off like falling down the stairs was just part of her morning routine.
"You could've just helped me get up without the name-calling," she mumbles, side-eyeing me.
"I did help. You're not a pancake. You're welcome." She looks confused as hell when I said those words...
Right... She doesn't know nor realized that I'm actually manipulating the time to help her... What a waste of my majestic powers to be left uncredited for my good deeds.
But then again, she just pouts. She actually pouts. Like I'm the one who ruined her day. Incredible.
"And besides," I add, glaring at my phone that sits smugly on my pockets. "This is all your fault. It definitely is."
The smartphone, of course, says nothing. But I can feel its mockery. Somehow, it always knows.
Great. Just great...
***
And even on my day off, I still can't catch a break. Sure, I have a job now, but my wallet remains emptier than my social calendar. Until the glorious day when I receive my first paycheck, I'm still at the mercy of the only reliable source of income I have — Mrs. Henderson's garden.
"Back at it again," I mutter, slipping on the ragged clothes I've dubbed my official 'garden battle gear.' I crack my neck like a warrior preparing for the arena. The hose, my eternal nemesis, lies coiled near the flower beds, waiting.
"Not today, you vile serpent," I sneer, gripping it firmly.
It's a fierce struggle. The hose twists and flails, trying to soak me in betrayal. But I'm prepared this time. I wrangle it like a champion, and in a final triumphant tug, water bursts forth obediently. Victory!
"Hah! Bow before your master, peasant!"
Victory tastes sweet, like the Gyudon I can't afford right now! But as I stand there, victorious, reveling in my temporary triumph, the universe decides to strike again.
As I revel in my conquest, a chirpy voice echoes from behind me.
"Wow! You're pretty good at that!"
I freeze.
It's her.
The idiot girl. The one with disaster woven into her DNA. Akari Saitou, my new neighbor and the human embodiment of a warning sign. She's peeking over the fence with the brightest grin, as if she didn't nearly tumble to her doom yesterday."Can I help?" she beams.
Help? Oh no. Oh, hell no.
Does this walking catastrophe really think she can handle the fierce, unforgiving world of gardening? I squint, scrutinizing her as if I can see the inevitable calamity forming. Maybe this is a test. Maybe the gods are mocking me. Fine. Let's see how much damage she can cause.
"Alright," I say, feigning nonchalance. "Let's see what you've got, Disaster Girl."
She gasps dramatically. "That's rude! I'm great at helping!"
We'll see about that.
"Fine," I say with a dramatic sigh. "But don't touch anything unless I say so. I mean it. This isn't a kiddie sandbox."
Akari claps her hands excitedly. "Got it, boss!"
And thus, the chaos begins.
First, she grabs the watering can and accidentally tips it over, drowning a poor line of marigolds. I groan, quickly manipulating time to slow down the spillage. The marigolds rise back up, smug and victorious. Akari, oblivious, hums to herself like nothing happened.
Next, she attempts pruning. With alarming confidence and zero skill, she hacks away like a lumberjack chasing a runaway tree. Spotting the impending floral massacre, I rapidly slow time. Every leaf falling in slow motion allows me to pluck it mid-air and reattach it like some plant-resurrecting deity.
"Oh no!" Akari yelps, noticing the tulips teetering dangerously under her clumsy footsteps.
"NOOOO!" I leap forward in slow-motion glory, dramatically sweeping the tulips to safety. The tulips remain unharmed. I, however, lie sprawled like a tragic hero.
"You're so fast!" Akari giggles, offering me a hand.
"You," I gasp, "are an unstoppable force of nature. And not in a good way."
But the worst is yet to come. While attempting to clear some weeds, Akari misjudges her strength. The roots snap free, sending her tumbling backward. Time slows once more as I brace for impact. My powers surge, softening her fall. She lands with a bewildered blink, safe but confused.
"I meant to do that," she claims proudly.
"Yeah? Sure. And I'm the King of Time," I mutter under my breath.
Despite every close call, Akari remains insufferably cheerful. By the end of our so-called 'gardening session,' Mrs. Henderson's flower bed remains miraculously intact — no thanks to Akari. I, on the other hand, am mentally and physically exhausted, questioning what divine forces have cursed me with this punishment.
"Well," Akari wipes her forehead dramatically. "That was fun! I think I really helped, don't you?"
I stare at her, dumbfounded. The gall. The absolute gall.
"Yep," I deadpan. "Truly. You've revolutionized the field of horticultural destruction."
Akari grins, completely missing the sarcasm. "I'll see you around, neighbor!"
As she skips away, I collapse on the ground, arms spread wide. "Why, gods? Why must I become your personal punching bag!?"
The smartphone in my pocket hums ominously. I glare at it. "I swear if you're laughing too, I'm throwing you into the nearest pond."
But even as I mutter threats to the cursed device, there's a lingering thought in my mind.
I'll probably have to see Akari again. And that might just be the scariest thing of all. And that's when I realized...
There is no justice in this world...