[Opening fanfare. Princess Perspective takes the stage, tiara shining, a stack of cue cards in one hand and a presidential seal made of cardboard in the other.]
Hear ye, hear ye! Welcome to a very special edition of "The Not Fake Fox News: White House Roast," where the only thing more fragile than the economy is the ego in the Oval Office!
Tonight's headline:
"Red Carpets, Blue Dresses, and Bipartisan Blunders: A Roast of Presidential Proportions"
Let's get this state dinner started! The White House: where the only thing more divided than Congress is Monica Lewinsky's thighs—talk about bipartisan separation! Seriously, if Congress could split a bill as fast as Monica split opinions, we'd have universal healthcare and free therapy for all.
Monica and a vending machine: both say, "Insert Bill here." But at least the vending machine gives you a snack instead of a subpoena. And Monica? She started on her knees and still managed to bring the House down—literally. The only intern in history to get a standing ovation while kneeling!
Now, President Clinton—give it up for the only Commander-in-Chief who got "in the black" and out of the blue dress. He balanced the budget, but couldn't balance his schedule. The only thing he left in surplus was DNA evidence. In government, the red is black, the black is red, and the only thing that's truly transparent is the dry cleaning bill.
The White House has seen more action than a reality dating show. The carpets are red, the lies are white, and the scandals are blue. It's the only place where "executive privilege" means you don't have to explain the stains—just blame it on the interns and hope the Secret Service can keep a secret.
Congress? It's like a family reunion where everyone's fighting over the last slice of pork barrel spending. The only thing they can agree on is to disagree, and even then, someone's filibustering the dessert table.
The Secret Service? Less "Men in Black," more "Men in Group Therapy." Their main job? Keeping the president's secrets safe and the interns out of the Oval Office. At this point, the only thing more protected than the nuclear codes is the White House WiFi password.
So, to all the politicians, interns, and badge-wearing babysitters: If you can't take the heat, get out of the Situation Room—and maybe invest in some stain remover.
This has been "The Not Fake Fox News: White House Roast"—where the jokes are bipartisan, the tiaras are crooked, and the only thing we take seriously is the punchline. Stay tuned for more breaking news, scandalous metaphors, and enough crayon charts to make the national debt look cute!