[ AUTHOR'S NOTE ]
I am so, so, so sorry for the delay 🥺 The past two weeks have been so chaotic (I moved countries, looked for an apartment, found an apartment, had to run thousands of errands in record time to settle) - all of that completely threw away my plan to finish the book... Not to worry, I am back and these are the last chapters of Love Machina... Book 1 😏 enjoy!
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"Let's go through the implications again."
I opened my eyes, blinded by the white lights above the stretcher I lay on.
"Your memories related to your owner won't be completely erased," Calypso's voice echoed around the sterile room. "They'll still be there, but his image and your interactions will be... like, blurred."
I turned my head toward the glass window. She stood behind it, her careful gaze watching me. The electrodes on my forehead tugged as I frowned.
"You'll still remember what happened," she continued, "but without any strong emotion. No love, no hate, just... like a distant, neutral memory."
My throat tightened.
Beneath the patient gown I wore, my chest rose and fell, pulling at the electrodes that had been placed there, too.
I hadn't worn one of these gowns in months. As soon as I put it on, it felt like slipping into an old skin, one with old thoughts and old beliefs.
In this gown, anyone could do anything to me. And that was okay.
But now, I had experienced what it meant not to wear one.
Now, I was a different person.
With new thoughts and new beliefs.
"Will I remember my life in the City?" I asked.
"You will," Calypso said. "Every single day. You'll remember having lunch with your owner, but not his face or what you talked about. You'll remember living with him for almost three months, but not whether you loved each other or fought all the time. The feelings will be gone."
"How is that possible?" I couldn't help but be curious about the procedure.
Her tone shifted to that familiar professional voice she would used during the meetings.
"Our technology identifies, isolates, and disrupts the neural connections tied to emotional memory. Think of it like smell or music... How they can trigger a memory in you. Imagine that we're simply... severing those pathways."
I nodded. She had explained it all before already, but hearing it again reassured me somehow.
"You will be in a hypnagogic state during the whole process. It's when you're awake but starting to fall asleep."
"I won't be asleep, but I won't be awake either," I murmured.
"Exactly." She confirmed, then added, "I'll ask you a series of questions. You must answer truthfully, Sade. If you lie, the procedure will fail."
I nodded again. She had explained all of it already. I turned my face to the other side of the room, where a window opened to the outside. Beyond it, the City glimmered in the distance, its highest towers shining above the yellow dunes and the white walls. It was almost floating on the landscape, as if fading into the horizon.
"To put it simply, we will pick at your brain until these synapses stop firing. Then you'll fall asleep. When you wake up again, those memories will be... neutral. He will be just another stranger you once knew."
Tears slid down my cheeks, wetting the paper protecting the stretcher.
"Shall we begin?"
"Y-Yes," I sniffed.
"Again, it's important that you answer everything truthfully," she reminded. "Memory is unstable. One wrong answer could undo the entire process."
"I understand."
The lights dimmed in the room. The machine above me began to hum, and I felt lightheaded for a second. I guessed I was entering that in-between state she described.
My fists tight against my thighs, I dug my nails into my palms, trying to remain as awake as possible.
"What is your name?" I heard Calypso's voice behind the buzzing sound.
"Sade."
A beep was heard.
"Okay... Now, can you tell me your favorite memory with your owner?"
I breathed in deeply.
There were too many.
"What if I can't choose?"
"Mhmm," Calypso considered her answer for some time. "Perhaps... Try to find something that connects all of these memories together."
Then the answer appeared clearly before my eyes. Maybe that in-between state was working in my favor.
"Looking at the stars together."
It felt evident.
Another beep echoed from the machine, louder this time.
There was that evening together, at Stellar Slices, when V revealed his secret to me. There was the night at the oasis where we lay down together to watch the starry sky together.
"Oh, wow," Calypso murmured.
"What?"
"It's working," she said, looking at her tablet with wide, excited eyes. "It's working... Very well. Better than I expected!"
I looked back up to the machine buzzing above me, my nails digging harder into my skin.
Was I really about to forget these moments with V?
A violent pain drilled through my heart.
"My chest hurts, is it normal?" I asked, turning my head to look at her, my eyes brimming with tears again.
Calypso looked up from her tablet, through the glass window between us. A flicker of pity flashed on her face.
"Yes... It's probably..." she sighed, looking down at her tablet. "Normal," she added in a quieter voice. "Let's try to get over with it, so you don't feel that pain too long... How old are you?"
"Twenty-three."
The machine beeped again, a similar sound to the question of my name.
"Is there a smell that reminds you of him? Again, it seems like it's more efficient if you connect many memories together... If you could find a smell that would relate to many memories with him..."
I tried to identify a smell, something we could have eaten together maybe. But there were so many dishes, I couldn't choose. Maybe the pizzas we both loved? But our evening ice cream walks were so wonderful too...
And then I realized what it could be.
"The smell of notebooks. New ones," I said, my throat tightening,
Studying together in the evening. V showing me how to journal. Sketching at the park with him, talking about his childhood by my side. His office, filled with all his notebooks.
Another loud beep occured, and it felt like my chest was going to explode.
I had been lying to myself for too long. I had refused to accept my true feelings for such a long time.
Now, I couldn't go back.
"Amazing. Wow... It's really working," Calypso's excited murmur resonated in the room.
I couldn't bear to look at her. All I could do was close my eyes, the warm tears rolling down to my neck.
"OK. Last set of questions now... Your last answers have been... Really efficient. It is really working."
I waited, trying to steady my breathing.
"What's your favorite color?"
I turned my head back to the other window. The night sky had almost settled in, but I could feel the last rays of light on my face.
Beyond the dunes, the City glowed, its silver towers still visible. The person I loved most was there, and I had to protect them from whatever was coming their way.
My vision blurred, my throat tightening.
All along, I had known what I was doing.
I exhaled and did what I had always done best to survive.
"Blue."
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