Chapter 1: The Mystery of Bedtime
Scene: The Great Bedtime Tribunal
A dimly lit living room. Colonel Mustard (the Common Sense Condiment) sits at a makeshift judge's bench. A Kid in pajamas stands confidently beside him. Across from them, Mr. Snooze Button, the official representative from the International Idiocracy of Bedtime, nervously clutches a clipboard and a mug that says "World's Most Confused Adult."
Colonel Mustard:
Order in the living room! This session of the Common Sense Court is now in session. Our first case: The Mystery of Bedtime. Mr. Snooze Button, you stand accused of enforcing bedtime with zero logic, maximum hypocrisy, and a complete lack of common sense. How do you plead?
Mr. Snooze Button:
Uh… Sleepy? I mean, not guilty! Bedtime is a sacred tradition. Kids must sleep at 8:00 p.m. sharp because… well, because I said so!
Kid:
Objection! That's not a reason. That's just a power trip. I want the evidence, Colonel.
Colonel Mustard:
Sustained. Mr. Snooze, please present your actual reasoning. And don't say "because I said so" unless you want to be hit with the Wet Noodle of Wisdom.
Mr. Snooze Button:
Well, um… Sleep is good for you! You need to grow! And if you don't sleep, the monsters will get you!
Kid:
So let me get this straight. You want me to sleep so I'll grow, but you also want to terrify me into thinking monsters are hiding in my closet? That's like telling me to eat my veggies by threatening me with broccoli goblins.
Colonel Mustard:
Classic idiocracy move—mixing science with scare tactics. Mr. Snooze, do you have any non-terrifying evidence?
Mr. Snooze Button:
Uh… If you don't sleep, you'll be cranky tomorrow!
Kid:
And what about you? You're cranky every morning and you go to bed at 9:30. Are you being attacked by grown-up monsters? Or is that just your natural state?
Colonel Mustard:
Oof, direct hit. Mr. Snooze, care to respond?
Mr. Snooze Button:
Well, adults have responsibilities! We need our sleep so we can… you know… adult.
Kid:
And yet, you binge-watch "Real Housewives" until midnight and then complain about being tired. I think you just want the TV to yourself.
Colonel Mustard:
Let's review the evidence. Exhibit A: Kids are told bedtime is for their own good, but adults routinely ignore their own rules. Exhibit B: Monsters are used as bedtime enforcers, but only appear after the lights go out. Exhibit C: The bedtime hour is arbitrary and changes whenever there's a holiday, movie night, or you forget what time it is.
Mr. Snooze Button:
But… but… that's just how it's always been!
Kid:
That's what people say about fax machines and dial-up internet. Doesn't mean it makes sense.
Colonel Mustard:
Let's get to the heart of the matter. Kid, what's your solution to the bedtime mystery?
Kid:
Easy. Tell the truth. Say, "I need a break from you because you're loud and sticky and I want to watch TV in peace." And maybe, "Sleep is important, but if you're not tired, read a book or draw until you are. No monsters necessary."
Colonel Mustard:
Brilliant. Honesty and logic—two things the Idiocracy of Bedtime fears most. Mr. Snooze, any final words?
Mr. Snooze Button:
I… uh… I guess I could try being honest. But what about the monsters? Kids need a little mystery!
Kid:
We're not scared of monsters. We're scared of your weird rules. If you want us to sleep, make bedtime fun. Tell a story, give a cuddle, and don't act like you're sending us to prison.
Colonel Mustard:
Case closed! Bedtime is hereby declared a time for honesty, comfort, and common sense. Monsters are officially retired, and the phrase "because I said so" is banned from all future proceedings.
Mr. Snooze Button:
Can I still have my mug?
Kid:
Only if you fill it with common sense.
Colonel Mustard:
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how you solve the Mystery of Bedtime. One clue, one laugh, and one honest kid at a time.
Later that night, Mr. Snooze Button is seen reading a bedtime story, looking slightly less confused. The Kid drifts off to sleep, nightlight on, no monsters in sight—just the comforting glow of logic and laughter.
Colonel Mustard (voiceover):
Remember, the real monster at bedtime is grown-up nonsense. But with a dash of common sense and a sprinkle of honesty, even the scariest mysteries can be solved.