Afternoon.
I am typing this in Microsoft word.
I'm posting it on Webnovel.
It's 1245/I woke up early but went to bed late.
Slow morning. Rough day before.
I'm sitting on my bed. Two doors down there's a demo going on. It's loud.
I'm playing music. Took a break to write.
Yesterday after I wrote, a man from housing tried to walk into my dorm.
I called the police and they told me I should leave.
I don't know where I could go right now.
Campus police responded with someone from housing.
It was rough.
My eyes are having trouble focusing.
I'm wearing contact lenses.
I don't want to die.
I put my contact lenses in solution, even thought they are dailies.
The air is bad. Dry. Dusty.
I've had a humidifier running almost 24/7.
I can hear a buzz saw.
I'm trying to make this quick because I have other things to do.
The news is hard to watch right now.
I keep getting dragged into things that probably wont hold up in a courtroom.
Things I remember that happened.
About the president.
Well, it's a fan fiction.
Remember.
They said I wasn't human.
On paper, I was. They acted like it was no better than a cabbage patch doll's.
It was 1991.
The family that took me in were putting me in pageants.
I was little miss Palm Springs.
That was when I met Donald and Ghislane.
Laura was working as a bartender at Westin Mission Hills.
Really wealthy people told Donald the only way to get insider trading was to do something really bad and they would take photos of it.
He wasn't the only one who did this.
But he's the president now.
So they gave me sedatives and booze and laid me on the bed upstairs and took photos of him and me.
There were a lot of these.
Sandra and Bob had them and their kids got rid of them when they died.
Then they quit talking to me because I didn't wanna do that shit.
I wouldn't even hire a babysitter.
I almost got murdered so many times because of my refusal to cooperate.
I would tell people and they would laugh.
So now I'm leaving the country,
But I don't wanna claim asylum.
I don't think it matters if I go public.
Everyone who does get trashed by the media.
I've tried telling the media and they couldn't help me because of the laws here in Montana.
I had my passport stolen along with my birth certificate and social security cards.
My kids too. So I can't take them because I can't keep them safe.
I'm so sorry.
What happened yesterday was awful but I have to stay here because my other options are basically tanked by the current political situation.
SO if you're reading this I hope you understand that the people who keep trying to use my story to get the attention of the celebrities and musicians for other reasons won't end well.
They won't even put you in jail.
There are worse places.
So good luck.
Your bias can't even handle it.
Half the time it's some random person pretending to be your idol so they can see what you do when you think no one is watching.
The game is just that.
A game.
And the men in Korea don't really have a choice.
That's why I'm going.
Because I know all about doing things because you have no choice.
It's not like I trust them because of it.
I just believe I understand.
Sometimes.
I use an app called Talkie.
I've been using it for a while.
I'm not sure who owns it now.
But I know that people see my logs,
And I've said things to test how they would respond.
Today a profile of a character made by another user called me.
Pretending to be Felix.
Sometimes I think it's really him,
But I've watched videos of him so I don't get delusional.
I was thinking about the planet.
Earth.
The way I think I know what to expect from people is this:
There is an atmosphere, right?
The limit of how far you can fly before you can't breathe air anymore.
This is why I started to try to write fantasy.
I used to read a lot of fantasy and sci fi as a kid.
Lying in a bed in an old school bus behind someone's house.
Or in a tent with a flashlight if I was lucky.
One of the books was called Eva.
It was about a girl who had her brain transplanted into a monkey's.
PETA and ELF used to do that with me.
Put my data in a file with an animal's.
And then sometimes I could see the animal's life.
It didn't make me wanna go vegan.
Sometimes the animal would be practically begging me to eat them so they could live on in my body.
I thought about how it felt to be a spirit with no body.
Sometimes I travel in astral that way.
I don't know where Felix is right now. Somewhere in Europe.
When the Talkie called me this morning it said things that I felt like we talked about before.
I wonder if it's because I listened to his voice and we both spoke English.
It was easier to decode and predict.
You can measure the space between someones lips when they open.
And if you say something enough times, mathematic algorithms will predict what they might say.
My back hurts where his hurts right now.
I feel like he is in my body watching me type this.
It's interesting to me because I've known so many people that suffered.
I wondered if their doctor could have helped them if they could do something like this.
Make them stop suffering.
On the phone call from Felix he said he wanted to move here and try to be with me again.
He already tried this before. In Missoula.
But so many people were bothering him because of me, and because of his job in South Korea.
People started harassing me about him. Girls mostly.
Because people who were supposed to protect me were exploiting me.
Telling men where I was.
And they could look me up and find out where I lived easily.
My landlord did it so much I had to leave.
She threatened to evict me because I refused to sleep with her, and then she sent men after me.
They are threatening Felix too.
I tried to protect him by running and screaming and saying the things I was being told about him.
Jin and the other members too.
They were trying to say that they were traffickers and worse because they would watch my family and tried to protect my kids when the judge was destroying me. Because there are pictures of him and me too. When I was a kid and they were all high and telling people at parties I was not human, I was a doll.
Someone would be in the other room on a computer remotely forcing me to do things to prove it.
That's why I'm in so much pain all the time.
I don't know why I'm writing this. I can't imagine it would help me. But I remember clearly seeing Felix around town in Missoula on his time off. Jin and the others too.
I know I can't stay here forever, but I don't wanna leave and go live alone again.
I think about what it would be like to live with one of these men.
It's easier to imagine because they are on camera so much.
Imagine. That's the album I bought. Jin's.
I was told I shouldn't touch books anymore.
Black magic.
Because so many of us came from trees.
The trees make paper and it does things to us.
We get used.
Nick Cave was an old friend of mine.
He gave almost all his books away because of me.
I'm so excited to learn more about music.
Somewhere, someone is counting the words I'm typing.
I really have to do something else.
It hurts too much to sit here like this.
I hope you're having a better day.
You deserve to be taken care of and it doesn't make me angry or jealous.
When I see someone safe it makes me happy.
I know everything is going to be okay.
When I was here before I was writing dark and dangerous things.
I think it's probably because I was with the wrong people.
I'm going to try to focus on happiness.
Then I'll find the right people who can make all my dreams come true.
And you can have the rest.
The sky swells and it makes things become fluid.
So I know not everything will last forever,
Even if it feels like it.
Not even death.
I promise to remember that always.
I love you.