CARMELO
I had just come back from a marathon of business meetings. And unlike the past few days, I could focus on work again. But it is when I am back in this room when everything comes to reality. My reality. And the reality was that I was heartbroken and in so much pain.
I didn't know what came over me, but I couldn't stop myself from picking up her call today. Something foolish inside me missed her like hell. I missed her like hell. I couldn't breathe. I wanted to hear her. I wished to see her. I wished to hold her. Inhale her scent.
I wanted to know how she was doing. Was she eating well? Was she sleeping well after hurting me because I haven't caught a wink since I left home that day. What about her anxiety? Has it hit lately? Was anybody there to hold her? Has she gone to meet with the therapist I signed her up with before we broke up? How did it go? And what did the therapist say after their first session?
I wanted to know if she was hurting like me. If she was regretting what she did to me. If at some point it got hard for her to breathe especially when our memories were replaying nonstop just like me. If she—
Fuck! I placed the phone down after talking to her. She was crying again. She didn't need to tell me, I knew she was. And it hurt me so bad. Why did it hurt when I was sure I hated her now? It wasn't supposed to hurt! At least not like this.
I went through the voice mails and that's when I came across hers. Why didn't I see this before? How could I not? I tapped it and it played. It was only her sobbing without saying a word. She was sobbing. "Fuck!" I got up from the bed, pacing around my hotel room. My heart felt like it was getting squeezed. I played another one. She only said gibberish and sobbed. She was drunk. She shouldn't be drinking. It wasn't good for her health.
It's been a month, but it felt like years of being apart from her. And the pain was still unexplainable. But it wasn't more painful than hearing her cry. Why did I care so much about her still even after what she has done to me? I shouldn't but I was.
I achieved a lot this month. And don't even ask how I survived it or made it. It was a miracle. I hated her. But much more than that… I also hated that I still loved her. So much. I loved her so fucking much. I thought ignoring her would cure me. But no, it only killed me. How stupid of me to think that I could get her out of my mind so easily when she has been living there for five years before I even talked to her, rent-free. It was never that easy.
I wasn't myself then, I wasn't now, and I'll never be without her.