Chapter 8: "Love, Lies, and Loaf Tossing"
The wedding is today.
I don't remember agreeing to it. I don't remember most of yesterday, if we're being honest.
But here I am. Dressed in an outfit that looks like a tablecloth and smells faintly of regret. Standing at the altar. Next to a princess who once asked if clouds were just sky-goats.
> "You look delicious," she coos.
> "Thank you," I say through gritted teeth. "I am experiencing existential dread and foot cramp."
Arcanos is officiating, because of course he is.
> "By the power temporarily vested in me by an intoxicated notary duck," he intones, "I now pronounce you... probably doomed."
Grubnuk throws rice. Then throws bread. Then throws an entire ham.
> "That's for luck," he says. "And protein."
The band starts playing. The crowd cheers. Someone releases a flock of doves who immediately start fighting each other.
> "I am so confused," I whisper.
> "Just say 'I do' and maybe you get diplomatic immunity," Arcanos says.
Then it happens.
A scream.
A crash.
From the back of the cathedral bursts a figure in armor made of rose petals and frustration.
> "STOP THIS WEDDING!"
Everyone gasps. I gasp. Arcanos claps.
> "Oh, this just got juicy."
Standing in the doorway is... Kevin. Battle-worn. Covered in frosting. Eyes blazing.
> **"He can't marry her!" Kevin honks. "BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY MARRIED... TO DESTINY."
The crowd gasps again. Grubnuk drops his meatball. The princess blinks slowly.
> "Who's Destiny?" she asks.
> "It's a metaphor!" Kevin yells. "You feather-brained tiara collector!"
Arcanos whistles. "Okay, bold move from the goose."
Kevin turns to me.
> "We have to keep running. There are still squirrel spies. And the Duck Resistance is reorganizing. And also your signature is technically invalid because you used soup instead of ink."
> "Thank. The. Gods," I exhale.
> "NOOOO!" Princess Petunia sobs. "But who will teach me how forks work?!"
Arcanos drops his officiant book. "Well, I need a drink."
Grubnuk throws more ham.
We run. Again.
Kevin honking like a war trumpet. Arcanos cackling. Petunia screaming about wedding cake and betrayal.
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End of Chapter 8 (till divorce—or squirrel assassins—do us part).