If this is what they call 'love,' I can't understand why some interpret it as something...unattainable.
I poured all those feelings into the novel I wrote years ago, 'Mr. Detective', because the protagonist also deserves to have some love.
Yes, a few days ago, I discovered that I am actually in love with her, with Marie. Maybe I want to get to know her better, be in her life, and get married. Children? Well, we could have them if she's really ready.
That's what loving her means, isn't it?
This time, we would both go on a 'date'.
I can't really describe it as a date, since we'll just be meeting up to study at a cafe.
So I waited at the bus stop for her to arrive. We were supposed to meet at five o'clock, so I waited for her to arrive.
I waited. I waited, and waited...
And she didn't arrive after two hours.
Maybe something happened to her, right? She would never be late, I mean, I'm not trying to justify her but...it's really worrying me, what if she got lost or something?
I got up from where I was and started looking around; maybe she had already arrived and I hadn't seen her pass by? That possibility is always there...
"Marie! Are you here?! I'm Jeon Kwonoo!" I shouted to the surrounding area, but received no response. "…"
Perhaps the only option I had now was to go and look for her at her house. I think I remember where she lives; she mentioned she lives with her stepfather, so...I'll run there right away!
Once I reached the street I mentioned, I stopped right there. I couldn't remember which house I was talking about, and if I asked at every house...wouldn't that be strange?
I sighed, and instead, I simply leaned against a wall.
Perhaps she simply...forgot?
Forgot…
"Jeon?" A girl's voice; Marie, made me immediately turn to the side. She was dressed as usual; elegant, yet comfortable at the same time, but this time, she had a cigarette between her fingers. I never thought she smoked. "Did you remember where I lived?"
I swallowed and nodded, suddenly feeling nervous. "Yes...I remembered," My voice sounded a little broken, so I cleared my throat. Marie was here, in front of me, why was I worrying? "What are you doing here? I thought we'd see each other earlier... I thought you'd gotten lost or something…"
She giggled, then took a drag on her cigarette.
"I fought with my stepfather, and in the end he wouldn't let me out. If I'm smoking here, it's because the old man fell asleep and I was able to sneak out."
Fight? I never imagined that was the nature of her relationship with her stepfather...
"And your mother? What about her?"
"…"
"Ah…" Perhaps I said something I shouldn't have? "I'm sorry if something happened to her or if you don't want to tell me—"
Something on my cheek hurt, not just hurt, it burned, in fact. Marie had slapped me. Slowly, I looked at her again. I'm confused. Why is she suddenly acting like this?
"My stepfather is watching us. Go. Go now. I'll tell you tomorrow."
What?
I looked at all the houses, and that's when I saw a man peeking out from his blinds. Immediately, I ran away, maybe that way Marie wouldn't have so many problems.
But I felt guilty.
Why is a man who is not her biological father forbidding her from living her life?
Even worse, making her run away from home...
That only hurts her, and she knows it, so why doesn't she do anything?
Marie...
Why do you have to put up with that?
_
The next day, Marie did not go to school.
And not the day after that either, until today.
I entered my classroom as usual, and that's when I saw her; at our table, where we both sat now.
Her appearance changed; now she had short hair.
I quickly went towards her; I was really worried.
"Marie!" I went up to her and took her hands; she was freezing cold. I could smell the cigarette smell on her clothes from here, but besides that... I noticed something unusual about her face. "…Did he hit you?"
I could see how surprised she was when I asked the question, however, she didn't deny it, she just lowered her gaze.
So, I was right.
"…Is this the first time he's done it?"
She didn't answer. "Jeon…"
"Please answer me."
She doesn't know how desperate I am. How worried I am, and she just...can't tell me what's going on? Even though she's completely alone in the world?
"…Please."
It hurts me that she's self-destructing.
"…It's not the first time."
Oh…
"Marie...you can't endure that kind of life forever..."
She knows it, she must know it perfectly well, yet why doesn't she do anything about it?
"I know," her gaze was vague, as if she were remembering things she didn't want to. "But he's my only family after my mother abandoned us... I can't leave him alone…"
Is she really...concerned about the man who hurt her?
She…
She's an idiot.
"To you, he is your family, but to him, you are not…" This time I grabbed her by the shoulders; if necessary, I would shake the reason out of her. "So, you shouldn't put up with his excuse of love, he doesn't love you, Marie..." I swallowed hard; the language barrier between the English of the two of us and the Korean of the others was useful at this time. Nobody knew what I was saying to her, or what she was saying to me. "…I really love you, I care about you…" And although I didn't expect my confession to come in these circumstances, I knew she needed to know right now; to know that she wasn't alone. "He doesn't really know what it means to love you…not as a daughter, not as family, he simply hates you."
I held Marie's gaze for a moment.
"So…please…tell me—" I murmured, "Marie…why do you let him keep doing this to you? Why don't you listen to me? Why do you give up?!"
She blinked, then moved her lips... "I haven't given up, Jeon," And she smiled weakly, with all those bruises on her face...pretending they didn't hurt. "I just…stopped for a bit, wait for me, oke?"
Wait? Wait and watch her self-destruct?
Time seemed to stand still, until finally, she moved her lips, again…
"Everyone to your seats."
But at that precise moment the teacher arrived, she grabbed my wrists, and simply smiled.
I blinked for a moment, but I knew I couldn't ask any more questions now. So I simply let go of her and went back to my seat next to her.
Every minute I glanced at her out of the corner of my eye, making sure she was...okay.
"…"
Silent, as always, trying to make herself more…little.
I don't know how to react when someone tells me about their problems, or even when someone is depressed.
After all, if they have problems that none of their family cares about, why should I? We're all going to die eventually; it's illogical to worry about something that will just disappear.
That's what I've always imagined, no, what I've always thought.
An idea that has been with me, until this moment.
When I saw her crying, stubbornly insisting that he would change, and that all she had to do was not give up and hold on a little longer...
Why didn't I take that opportunity and just ignore what was really going on in her heart? Why do I feel so responsible for her happiness?
I don't know, maybe she just...
"The two of us, together forever?" She laughed. Perhaps I hadn't noticed it before, but she used to laugh whenever I reminded her how much I loved her. Perhaps she simply didn't believe my words? Or was it just a fake smile like the one you gave me when you smiled at me? "That's a cliché in tragic romance novels, you know?"
Yes, I know, I am...'a writer', after all, I've read those kinds of scenes thousands of times, and only now do I realize what those characters felt when they said those words.
She took a drag on her cigarette, then let all that smoke out into the fresh air. By this point, I didn't care that she smoked anymore; if it was her, then it was okay if my lungs were contaminated too.
"Even if you don't want to believe me now..." I extended my hand. "After everything we've been through together, since you arrived at university... I can say how much I love you."
She doesn't know how much I care about her. So, it must be love.
Right?
"Love?" She smiled, the ash from her cigarette falling to the ground. Forgotten, destroyed... "So, stay with me." And she took my hand.
Please stay by my side too.
Perhaps we are both equally alone, and that is what complements us.
_
A cloudy day, a day totally different from the warm days we were used to, a great day to be able to spend time with Marie.
We would graduate soon, after all.
Almost two years together, never formally dating...until now, with my flowers; with these lilies I will confess my love and finally we can date.
I opened my KakaoTalk, and that's when I noticed that she still hadn't seen my message asking where she was.
"Hm?" I sighed, it was really...unusual. We saw each other yesterday, and I told her I wanted to see her... "Busy?"
I looked around, at the couples walking across the bridge where I had arranged to meet her, all happy...
Well, one day Marie and I will be like that too.
Perhaps, by the end of Mr. Detective, I can have Anser have children too, when Marie and I have them...anyway, my editor's ideas for the future of the novel aren't so bad!
It's only the fourth volume, I'm sure the story will end in that same volume.
…
Again.
She has not met with me.
"…" The bouquet of lilies in my hands was beginning to wilt; if she didn't arrive... "…Perhaps she's already on her way and doesn't have reception?" In recent years I have avoided going to her house, at her request, and for fear that her stepfather might do something bad to her.
But what if he did something to her again?
Marie always thought she hid her bruises well—that wasn't the case, I could see perfectly when she was hurt.
Pretending to be unaffected by everything that was happening to her, but without managing to completely convince me.
"Marie!" I simply ran towards her, my legs moving to dodge people and cross streets. As always, it's me following her. "Marie!!"
But when I got to Marie's house, I saw her; she was on the sidewalk, hugging her stepfather...were those suitcases? Marie...was she finally leaving?
I smiled, despite everything...if she managed to escape from there...
That would be the best I could—huh.
A noisy cargo truck that looked like a moving truck honked, preventing me from hearing what they were saying, and when I turned around...
"AAAH!" Marie's scream made me turn around.
"MARIE!"
The cargo truck struck Marie, throwing her across the pavement. Blood, mangled flesh, and...
Him.
How could this have happened?
"He...killed her..." I couldn't have seen wrong. He must have pushed her; it's impossible that she was the only one— "M-Marie…"
My heart was beating fast, too fast. The neighbors and the moving driver came to see the scene, others calling, and others...watching from afar.
The lilies eventually withered; they fell to the ground, and I…
…I couldn't protect her.
I said I loved her, and I couldn't protect her?
"Marie…"
My legs moved on their own, although I knew that everyone could see the tears falling on my face, the face of complete shock and surprise at how fast it happened.
But that wouldn't be the end of it...
"Oh no, no, no...what have I done?" The voice of a man; it was him, Marie's stepfather. "Daughter...my daughter...my little girl..."
…
Your…?
YOUR?
Slowly, I watched as he knelt beside her body, his hands covered in blood as he tried to wake her up.
No, it was too late.
"Marie…forgive me..."
The worst part? Marie would have forgiven him.
This heartless, wicked man...would be forgiven by her despite everything he did to her...despite how much he destroyed her...despite everything...
She would always be happy to fall into that man's arms, while she and I...our relationship...was just destructive, where I was the only one who suffered her true pain?
What the hell is this?
"…"
I hate it.
Wee-ooo…
Of all the philosophical rules I imposed on my own life, it was never mandatory to love someone unconditionally as I loved Marie.
She died, and even when she did...
…Marie, what were your thoughts before you died?
Was I in them?
And if that was the case, why didn't you choose me instead?
Now that I saw you in the arms of this stranger, now that you are 'asleep', I was finally able to wake up.
"…"
Broken glass, blood...pain.
"…Killer."
He was a murderer, and Marie...was the victim who used me as his witness, a witness to his pain, a vessel…
And yet, why, when I found out, did I pretend not to notice?
_
"So, um...Hyung..." The man handed out a document for me to sign. "Are you sure that...it's better to extend the novel?"
Honestly, I stopped caring about that.
"…I know what I'm doing."
Perhaps the only way to keep what I love alive is if what I love doesn't exist. But still, everything I once loved, everything I once wrote in that novel...it continues to haunt me.
Perhaps the best thing was...never to create it.
An ending to a story? Bah. It doesn't exist.
The story will continue, no matter how many volumes, how many different stories there are, in the end, really...do they all have an ending?
"Okay...I'll talk to the publisher about it and get back to you! Thank you for your hard work~" He stopped before leaving my apartment. "Oh! And congratulations on your graduation, now you are a real writer, best of luck!"
The door closed, and in the middle of the room, only my bandaged fingers and those seven sleepless nights of exhaustive writing in the early hours of the morning were witnesses. Witnesses to everything that would actually happen from now on.
"…"
And I just...
…I'm alone again.
***
I opened my eyes, my eyelids felt heavy...
I noticed I was in a blank space; it reminded me of an elevator, but I couldn't be sure. Anyway, I fell into a trap, so maybe…
"…!"
The ground shook, and immediately I stood up.
The ground seemed to get softer, my bare feet noticed the unevenness of it, that's when I realized that it was actually poison where I was standing.
Poison...
"Enver!" He must be nearby. "Energy usage: 5%!" I placed my hand on the wall; as the energy was released, the poison seemed to solidify. "…Did it work?" It was easier than I imagined. I have to guess that the energy usage thing from July 14 did work.
Or so I thought, until suddenly, the poison became liquid, making me sink into it.
"Shit…!"
Unlike a cut, or a few severed limbs...with poison it was difficult to regenerate; my body would regenerate but almost instantly it was consumed by the poison, my regeneration incapable to be able to help me escape without destroying my body.
No matter how hard I tried to move, I simply couldn't escape...
No matter how much energy I used to free myself, in the end, it didn't seem to help me escape.
"Shit...Anser..." Anser? Yes, funny coming from the fact that it was impossible for Anser to come and help me. Completely impossible.
The poison was starting to reach my neck; I couldn't even feel my limbs at this point; my death count was rapidly increasing.
I think it was even approaching four hundred.
Perhaps...I will die here...finally...will I die?
"U-Ugh…" My chest ached, it burned, just like before...
Through the poison, I could see a glimmer; it was my chest.
"What is…?"
I felt a hand pull my arm, and before I could turn around, someone yanked my arm.
My body passed through the wall of the enclosed space where I was, and soon, I felt the damp floor hit my back; the smell of blood immediately reached my nostrils—I was in the third world.
"Huh?"
Look around, someone pulled me, didn't they? Who, when, where...
"Jeon."
A girl's voice made me turn around; it was a girl, she was pretty, with long brown hair and gray eyes. She was dressed in white, with a halo around her head and small white wings...
She must be an angel...right? But, did angels even exist?
"Eh?" I blinked, immediately looked at my body, and seeing myself still naked, with only Anser's jacket, now half faded, I covered myself with it. "Who are you...?"
Was she the one who pulled me out? She looks...very weak.
She seemed surprised for a second, then smiled. "I am..." She looked around, then gave a small giggle. "…Eiram."
Eiram? Was that even a name for a girl?
"Hmm...I see…" Then I looked around; a red mist prevented me from seeing beyond it. "You're an angel...what are you doing in a place like this?"
She smiled, then extended her hand towards me to help me up. "I was looking for an old friend, but it seems he's not ready to travel with me yet…"
I took her hand, and stood up with her help. When she started walking, I followed her, her light guiding me.
"Travel? Are you...a traveler? Where are you from?" Perhaps that will help me determine an ending based on that...or I could hide there.
She simply laughed, and turned to look at me.
"A place where only people who die go, Jeon, you just reincarnated."
It didn't surprise me that she knew I reincarnated, I suppose as an angel, she must know that. "I only transmigrated here, so when I die here, will I go to that place you mentioned?"
"Transmigrate?" She stopped, her face looked...surprised. "But, if you're still in the same old world," what? "You've never traveled to another world, you've always been in the same one, Jeon."
…
Am I...in the same world?
In my world?
"…No, it's impossible..."
But, remembering that in this place, the third world, there are surface ruins; temples, statues, huts...
I never considered the possibility that perhaps the world would have been the same...and perhaps the novel...was the one that came into this world?
No, even so, it's impossible that people...the people in my world...
…has survived.
Few people read my novel, and surely those few managed to survive all the dangers of this world.
But if that's the case...why has no one commented on it? Why isn't anyone mentioning anything about my world, like Liam does?
"Jeon," her voice pulled me out of my thoughts; for some reason, her voice sounded familiar. "There are many things in this world that you haven't stopped to notice..." She said, then looked through the mist. "…You're always in such a hurry, so desperate to help, that you don't even take the time to check your surroundings."
"…"
She says it as if she knows me, do I know her?
"…You know me…no, did you know me?"
And she simply didn't answer my question directly.
"I suppose that's what I can see."