IT WAS LUKA MODRIC!
I couldn't smile mindly. I couldn't dance with excitement. I couldn't stand properly.
All I was doing was giving fake smiles for the wedding video, which was filming. I was looking around and saw huge smiles and celebration with champagne. I again looked at Luka Modric, who was doing the same. I got nothing to describe at that moment. I just got no clue. Found my three friends were gesturing me with funny laughs and lifting their thumbs up. Clapping more louder than anyone else standing there. I ignored it.
I never wanted to face the moment in my life. Wished it to become a dream, but punishment for a lifetime. I took a huge deep breath and controlled myself from being more frustrated. I was finding a helping way when everyone was busy finding their one glass of happiness. I was standing there like I was standing some minutes ago without the confirmation. And here I am still with unchanged feedback, having all those back. Feeling how it feels after nightmares become true.
But there was another thing I couldn't ignore. The feedback from another side. It seemed like he did not know about it, too. But it is somehow unpredicted that he was not confirmed about me. My mom visited his house for confirmation. So, I can make myself sure about his appreciation about me that Bernd Leno is from German and also a footballer. Thank God it is not a common name. At least, he didn't refuse like I did. But making myself sure about his acquaintance about me was another thing to matter. Why on this earth did he find me or choose me as his life partner! Me? Do I really deserve him?! And why did he accept the proposal? Why didn't he reject? Had he any interest in me? Or just a crush? No, no. I am not good. But why me?
I had a million questions about his appearance in my life. Like, I was panting hard, not finding any clue for the next movement. I was never ready for any movements. Why is God still punishing me? Why is it becoming for LIFETIME? There was not a single person to even look at me. So that I can ask or gesture some questionable movements. I had been tricked! It was a delusion before my eyes, eating me but wasn't imbibing me. It was like the vagueness hadn't been removed from between us. It is devouring me again. It is showing up again. Hate the unwelcomed steps. Hate the uncomfortable movements. I hate everything now.
Never wished my life to become delusional. I wanted a clear statement about the important movement of my life. I do appreciate that I did wrong refusing the meet-up day. So, it can push me down for the mistake I made. That's it! It is done. But no. Why doesn't it only push me or settle me down? Why is it still making me feel I do not deserve this kind of turning? Marrying a person is a huge responsibility, but we should care sometimes, too.
I watched his face. It was not unknown to me. Luka Modric, the guy every footballers even every fan knows. They even recognise well. But accepting him in that way, having him as my life partner, not knowing it before, but welcoming him before everyone, aren't proving anything special. Yes, we have blesses, prayers, and support. But it is still not enough. Not enough to live together as partners, not enough to settle back. It is just not a football match for third place. Maybe one of us won, but it will not change anything. As it never was the final match. We both lost. And we are playing for a place that never was anything. Maybe life is not a football match, but some of us always got a penalty. I was never one of them.
I took it with extra feedback. I could not accept it. I hadn't done that bigger mistake, as it is costing me inhumanly. The impact isn't suiting with me. I could not bear it. Luka Modric, with the vagueness and clear statement, was standing their, holding my hands, giving the promises to be the other half of my heart. That made no sense to me. I just couldn't take it. Maybe it will be easy to accept that the person was Luka Modric, the known guy to everybody else. But who will measure the delusions it will create that he will always become unknown to me.