Cecilia was mercilessly beating the living crap out of the Goblin King—allegedly a fearsome being, according to the data.
Although, at this point, Akira wasn't sure who the terrifying one really was—the goblin… or Cecilia. The vampire, now fully in delinquent mode, was redecorating the forest with his body like a sack of potatoes cursed with bad karma.
"What's wrong, huh? Thought you were tough?!" she yelled, swinging him around like a possessed plushie before stomping his face with a crooked grin.
"P-poor monster… I'm actually starting to feel bad for him," Akira said, covering one eye… but still peeking through his fingers.
"Know where this club would look really good?" Cecilia whispered with a threatening tone, while the goblin reached a desperate hand toward Akira—clear universal goblin language for "help, the violent waifu is killing me!"
Minu floated right up in front of Akira's face, her tiny wings blocking his view.
"You shouldn't be watching this… It's rated 18+."
"I know… I feel more sorry for the goblin than embarrassed."
"Also," she added, pulling up a floating panel, "don't forget—you've got an active mission from SPN!"
Akira looked at his interface, where a ridiculously dramatic countdown flashed in red.
SPN: Quest Activated
Objective: Defeat 5 goblins… or ask your maid to let you sniff her panties.
Reward: +50 EXP / Unlocks "Ridiculous Achievement #1"
Time remaining: 01:42…
"So what do I do? Hit them with the katana?"
"Don't be basic!" Minu snapped, eyes glowing with cosmic judgment. "We've already established you suck at everything. Why don't you use your Parody Converter?"
"My what?"
"That device Uzaki gave you!"
"You mean the busted phone?"
"No! The other one! The thing that looks like a toy from a canceled anime series!"
Akira rummaged through his pocket and pulled out a weird gadget with flickering LED lights.
"You mean this cheap plastic trash?"
"That's the one!" Minu confirmed, eyes sparkling with otaku delight. "That's your PC—Parody Converter!"
"If you're gonna use Parody Time, you'll need it. It's what enables your absurd anime-style power-ups. Basically, without it… you're just a filler character."
Akira held it in his hands. The PC trembled slightly, and a robotic voice echoed from its core.
"Welcome to Parody Time! Please select a mode."
He turned the dial. Like an RPG menu, floating windows popped up in front of him. Some glowed green, others red, and one had a warning symbol that read "Not suitable for serious scenes."
"This one'll do," he said, tapping a window showing the silhouette of a certain overly-gelled, emotionally-damaged swordsman from a well-known hack-and-slash series.
"Let the parody begin!" Minu cheered, spinning around him with absurd energy.
Akira struck a pose worthy of a sentai anime and twisted the dial with resolve.
"Parody Time! DemonSamurai!"
A blast of blue light engulfed his body. In seconds, his clothes transformed—long coat, stylish boots, and belts that served absolutely no purpose. His hair turned snow-white, and his katana radiated a dark aura that screamed "edgy."
"I can feel it… all the power…" he muttered as steam drifted from his mouth like he'd just stepped out of an emotional freezer.
The goblins stepped back. Some even dropped their weapons, trembling at his transformation.
"Demonic Slash!" he shouted, slashing his katana with dramatic force.
A wave of dark energy tore across the battlefield. The ground quaked. The air grew heavy. The wind howled. Everything screamed end-of-the-world.
And then…
Nothing.
Absolutely nothing.
Everyone stood still. Goblins, allies, and even the system itself. No one had any idea what had just happened. Until Akira, now visibly confused, opened his floating panel.
"Demonic Slash: Ancient technique of the original Demon King. Inflicts irreparable moral damage by exclusively destroying the enemy's underwear."
"…What… what kind of power is this?!"
The goblins, realizing their underwear had mysteriously vanished, began dropping to their knees one by one, hiding their faces in shame.
One even muttered under his breath,
"I'll never be able to get married now…"
"What kind of ridiculous skill is this?!" Akira shouted, pointing accusingly at his katana like it was personally responsible.
Minu flew in small circles close to the ground, clearly embarrassed.
"I'm sorry… I didn't read the whole manual…"
Even Cecilia crossed her arms and looked away, trying (and failing) to hide the blush on her cheeks.
"Don't tell me it happened to you too… Oh no… I'm going to get reported to Magical HR for this."
The goblins couldn't take it anymore. One by one, they fainted from sheer humiliation. In seconds, the battlefield fell silent.
Only dust remained… some shredded boxers fluttering in the wind… and the reward screen:
SPN: Mission Complete. Reward Acquired: +50 EXP / 20,000 Flux / Achievement Unlocked: "Dignity Destroyer."
Akira sheathed his katana with a heavy sigh.
"I'm the most ridiculous hero of all time…"
Minu gave him a symbolic pat on the head.
"But you cleared the quest, boss. And that's what counts… sort of."
And from somewhere deep within the system, Uzaki's voice echoed like a late-night commercial:
"Remember, Otaku-kun! In Faraluz, shame is power!"