It was Enrichment Saturday at the zoo — a day the keepers tried to stimulate the animals with fun activities. Puzzle boxes, frozen treats, cardboard cities.
But this time?
They hired a magician.
He called himself The Great Balthazar (his real name was Gary) and had all the charisma of a wet sock but wore a shiny cape and carried a wand he bought from Party City.
The plan was simple: perform harmless sleight-of-hand for the kids, then do a little act near the gorilla enclosure to entertain the primates.
Except.
Kito stole the wand.
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– The Wand of Power
To be clear, the wand did nothing.
But Kito didn't know that.
> "This... this is a god stick,"
he whispered,
brandishing it dramatically in front of Tumo.
>"Behold my first spell: poop vanishus!"
He flung a dried turd across the habitat like a sacred rite. It hit a tree.
Nothing vanished.
Still, the illusion of power was enough to set things in motion.
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– Magical Training Montage (In Kito's Head)
Kito tied a towel around his neck like a wizard cloak.
He drew runes in the dirt with a stick.
He spoke in tongues (mostly banana-related babble).
To the humans watching, it looked like he was pretending to be a Harry Potter character.
To Kito?
> "I am now... Wizard King of the Forest Cage."
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– Chaos Spells
Spell #1 – Levitatium
Kito climbed to the highest branch and declared:
> "I will now fly."
He leapt.
He did not fly.
He did, however, land in a pile of hay with such dramatic force that the audience clapped. He took this as confirmation that his powers were "still developing."
Spell #2 – Transformatio Rodentia
He tried to turn a squirrel into a pigeon.
He got bit.
Twice.
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– The Ritual of Snacks
Kito dragged a zookeeper's backpack into the enclosure. He dumped it out and formed a summoning circle made of granola bars, paperclips, and someone's chapstick.
> "I summon... a peanut butter sandwich!"
Nothing happened.
> "Okay. Maybe... jelly? Please?"
Still nothing.
Tumo walked by eating a sandwich. Kito screamed that the gods had answered.
He tried to ride Tumo like a summoned beast. Tumo did not approve.
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– The Great Duel
Kito approached his father, Jumbe, for the ultimate test: a wizard battle.
He wore a traffic cone as a hat.
Held a broom as a staff.
Had a pigeon feather taped to his arm for "aura."
Jumbe watched patiently as Kito threw leaves in his face and yelled spell names like:
> "Explodify Dad Pants!"
> "Ultimate Banana Rain!"
> "Summon Maternal Disappointment!" (This one hit harder than expected.)
Eventually, Jumbe gently bonked him with a stick, and Kito declared:
> "Your power... it exceeds mine... Father…"
He collapsed dramatically into the dirt.
A zookeeper sprayed him with a hose for being too theatrical.
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Aftermath
The Great Balthazar never got his wand back.
Tumo keeps calling him "Wizard Boy" in the most condescending way possible.
One tourist swears Kito made her sunglasses disappear.
(He stole them. He still has them.)
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Kito's Final Review:
> "Magic is real. It just doesn't like me yet."
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