---
**BOOOOM!**
The collision sent a sandstorm exploding across the deck, obscuring everything in a choking haze.
"Hmm? Who dares?" Barbarossa, captain of the Barbar Pirates, grunted in annoyance—until the newcomer's voice cut through the dust.
"Waaateeer!" The voice gasped between panting breaths.
For some reason, Barbarossa found his irritation evaporating. He squinted at the scrawny young man now sprawled on his deck, but before he could ponder his identity, a shriek from one of the bound women answered his unspoken question.
"Luffy?!" Nami yelled, equal parts exasperated and hopeful. Had he actually come to rescue them?
"Ah? You're here, Nami?" Luffy grinned, blissfully unaware he'd just crashed into the right ship by pure accident.
Barbarossa stepped forward, his initial ferocity melting into an amused smirk.
"Do you have water?" Luffy asked, still smiling like an idiot.
"Water? No—HAHAHAHA!" Barbarossa's laughter boomed across the deck. The absurdity of the situation delighted him. "We were about to roast this camel. Want some?"
"I WANT!" Luffy shouted, fists pumping as drool dripped from his chin. The camel let out a despairing wail.
It was then Luffy noticed the rest of the crew huddled in a frantic circle, their backs turned to him. "Hey, what're you guys doing?" He wandered over, shoving through the crowd—
—and froze.
"OHHHHH!!! WHAT'S WITH THAT?! HE'S TOO BEAUTIFUL!" Luffy flailed his arms like an overexcited puppy.
"SHUT UP! YOU'LL WAKE HIM!"
"RESTRAIN HIM!"
"DON'T LET HIM NEAR!"
The pirates scrambled to block Luffy, but the rubber man careened through them like a cannonball, zeroing in on the unconscious figure.
Right on cue, the rest of the Straw Hats arrived—just in time to witness their captain's latest act of chaos.
"Luffy! Stop right there!" Zoro bellowed, sprinting after him while the others freed Nami and Vivi.
"Zoro! Sanji! Look! This guy's amazing! I want him on the crew!" Luffy bounced in place, starry-eyed.
Curious, the two approached—and immediately regretted it.
Zoro's eye twitched violently, his face heating up against his will. Sanji, however, fared worse. His entire body locked up, then convulsed as a geyser of blood erupted from his nose.
Damn it! I'm not even gay... but I do gay stuff!!
With that final thought, the love cook crumpled face-first onto the deck, a blissful smile plastered across his features.
"SANJI! HOLD ON! DON'T DIE!!" Chopper wailed, shaking the limp body. The doctor's panic was undercut by the fact that Sanji looked thrilled to be unconscious.
.
.
.
---
The man at the center of all the chaos stirred, his eyelashes fluttering as consciousness returned. Every person on deck froze mid-action, holding their breaths like spectators at a holy revelation.
Slowly, his eyes opened—revealing mesmerizing pink sclera that glowed faintly under the desert sun. He sat up groggily, blinking at his surroundings. Again? First a desert, now a pirate ship? His life was turning into a bad joke.
Then his throat burned.
"Water... please," he croaked—then immediately cringed. What the hell was that?! His own voice sounded like melted honey over velvet, embarrassingly perfect.
The peanut gallery exploded.
"OHHHHHH!! DID YOU HEAR THAT?!"
"CAPTAIN! YOUR SECRET STASH—NOW!"
"HE SPOKE! HE BLESSED US WITH SPEECH!"
Even Nami and Vivi clutched each other's arms, their cheeks pink. This wasn't attraction—this was sheer awe, like staring at a masterpiece come to life.
Barbarossa's eye twitched as his crew mutinied over a water bottle. "I'm still your damn captain—"
"WATER!" the mob chanted back.
Grumbling, Barbarossa yanked his prized canteen from his belt and thrust it at the man. Luffy drooled audibly but surprisingly didn't lunge for it—though his willpower visibly crumbled when the man tilted his head back to drink, his Adam's apple bobbing.
Slurp. Gulp. Gasp.
"Ah… thanks," the man said, wiping his mouth. The crowd swooned. A droplet slid down his chin, and three pirates fainted.
Then he finally noticed the sea of starstruck faces. "…What's wrong?"
"NOTHING!" they lied in unison, except Luffy, who barreled forward and grabbed his shoulders.
"Join my crew!"
THWACK!
Sanji, resurrected by sheer rage, drop-kicked Luffy into the mast. "APOLOGIZE TO HIS DIVINE PRESENCE, YOU ANIMAL!" He then knelt like a knight, voice dripping syrup. "M'lord, did this rubber-brained cretin harm you? Allow me to—"
BONK!!!
The man smacked Sanji's head with the empty canteen. "Stop talking like a bad romance novel! It's gross!" He spat twice for emphasis.
Sanji turned to stone—then cracked apart metaphorically.
The man sighed, eyeing the familiar faces. "Straw Hat? What the hell's going on—"
[Ding!]
A transparent panel materialized before him:
[Host Information]
Name: Nolan D. Ranvil
Race: ???
Attributes: [Divine Allure]
Nolan stared. He rubbed his eyes, but the glowing panel remained stubbornly floating in front of him.
Okay. Either I've finally lost it, or this is really happening.
He glanced around at the familiar faces—Sanji still recovering from his dramatic faint, Zoro's raised eyebrow, Usopp's nervous fidgeting, Chopper's starry-eyed admiration, and Nami and Vivi's flushed cheeks. A long, weary sigh escaped his lips as he tilted his face toward the scorching sun.
If I were alone right now, I'd be doing backflips. But no—I have to be cool about this.
"You," Nolan said, pointing at Zoro. The swordsman tensed, as if bracing for some divine proclamation. "You seem like the least insane person here. If I join this circus, can you at least guarantee I won't starve to death?"
Zoro blinked, then smirked. "Don't ask me. Captain's the one who decides who eats what—"
"—and how much of it he steals," Nami finished, crossing her arms. "Fair warning, if you value your meals, hide them from him." She jerked a thumb at Luffy, who was already eyeing Ranvil's half-empty water canteen like it was treasure.
Luffy, sensing the conversation was about him, bounded over. "You're joining? SHISHISHI! Awesome! New nakama!" He threw an arm around Ranvil's shoulders, ignoring the way the nearby pirates clutched their chests in envy.
Nolan smirked. "Guess so. Looking forward to it, Captain."
What he didn't expect was the immediate aftermath.
Five members of the Barbar Pirates collapsed like fainting goats.
"TOO… BRIGHT…" one wheezed, shielding his eyes.
Nami groaned. "Great. Now we have a walking spotlight on the crew."
Usopp sidled up to Chopper, whispering loudly, "D'you think his face is, like… a secret weapon?"
Chopper gasped. "Or a rare disease! Hyper-Charisma Syndrome—it's in my textbook!"
Nolan stared flatly. "It's called basic hygiene, you gremlins."
Sanji, finally revived, staggered to his feet—only to freeze when Ranvil glanced his way. A fresh nosebleed threatened. "M'lady—I mean, m'lord—guh—"
Zoro snickered. "Cook's broken."
Luffy, utterly unfazed, threw his hands up. "MEAT! Let's celebrate with meat!"
As chaos erupted—Barbarossa's crew wailing over Ranvil's "divine presence," the Straw Hats bickering over supplies, and Luffy already trying to barbecue the camel—Nolan sighed again, louder this time.
…I might regret this.
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