Chapter 5: Welcome to Ninja Bootcamp – Send Help (And Snacks)
POV: Issei Hyoudou, Aspiring Harem King and Unwilling Apprentice of a Pervy Sage
I'll be honest with you—when I said "I want to get stronger," I didn't mean this.
Like, I was picturing something chill, right? Maybe a few push-ups, a "you can do it!" motivational quote, and boom—I unlock some kind of mega dragon harem punch technique or something. But nope.
Jiraiya-sensei, aka the legendary Sannin, aka the man who writes spicy books that I'm definitely not allowed to read (yet), had other ideas.
Painful ones.
The moment we left the village, I thought we were going to go on a noble training journey across the land, maybe have a few heartfelt mentor-student bonding moments, and dramatically beat some bad guys along the way.
Nope again.
Instead, we ended up at the Forest of Death.
"Are we… are we going to die?" I asked, clutching my bag like it was a life raft and I was being dropped into a shark tank.
Jiraiya just grinned at me like this was the start of a fun camping trip.
"We'll be staying here for a week," he said casually, as if he wasn't talking about living in a place where everything tries to kill you, including the grass. "You need to get up to date with things you should've learned by now, so consider this accelerated bootcamp."
Great. Bootcamp. My favorite thing after dental surgery and running into exorcists.
Meanwhile, one of his clones was off playing command center—talking to people like Kakashi-sensei, that spiky-haired cool dude with one eye and a thousand jutsu, and Gai-sensei, who literally screamed youth while doing push-ups with one finger on the side of a mountain.
Also, apparently Minato left behind some kind of secret group? Ninja legacy stuff. I didn't really catch all the details because I was still trying to process the part where we'd be living in the Forest. Of. Death.
I wanted to object. I really did. But Naruto—the other me, or technically the real ninja me, depending on how weird this timeline is—he was already off training hard, flipping through stances and burning off his energy like a workout-obsessed tailed beast.
If he was giving it his all, then I couldn't chicken out.
Even if there were giant man-eating bugs watching me from the bushes.
So I took a deep breath, dropped my bag with an overly confident thud, and declared, "Okay, I'm ready!"
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Okay, so here's a little life update: I made a hundred copies of myself and almost died from chakra burnout.
Cool, right?
Let me rewind.
So, there I was, standing in a clearing that smelled like damp trees and regret, while Jiraiya-sensei—the living legend, toad whisperer, and infamous author of books I'm still technically too young to read—looked me dead in the eyes like he was about to explain how to operate a nuclear reactor.
"Listen closely, Issei," he said, folding his arms. "Naruto already knows how to make shadow clones, create a rasengan, walk on water, climb walls, transform into anything, substitute with nearby objects, and enhance his body using chakra."
I blinked. "Is that all?"
"He also has incredible stamina and an ungodly healing factor, but we're not counting unfair advantages today."
Gee, thanks for the encouragement.
"We'll start by catching you up to his basics," he continued, then raised his hands and formed a seal with the calm menace of a man about to change your life and ruin your weekend.
I watched as he formed the Shadow Clone Jutsu sign, and suddenly there was another Jiraiya standing next to him like it was no big deal. It was… awesome. And terrifying. But mostly awesome.
"Now," he said, "make this sign and try pushing your chakra the same way I did."
Easier said than done.
For the past hour, we'd been doing "chakra sensing," which basically meant I sat like a statue while Jiraiya poked my stomach with his chakra until I felt something warm and floaty inside me—kinda like gas, but more magical.
Finally, I copied the hand sign, focused, and… boom.
Hundreds of me. Just… pop, pop, pop! All over the place. A swarm of Isseis, blinking and mumbling, some falling over, one of them already trying to flirt with a tree (classic me).
"Awesome…" I whispered.
"Awesome…" all my clones whispered back.
I nearly passed out right there from the chakra drain. Making that many clones when I couldn't even control my chakra properly was like trying to bench press a car when you've never even lifted groceries.
Jiraiya didn't even flinch. "This jutsu is perfect for information gathering. You can use clones to spy, set traps, or scout ahead. Once they disperse, the knowledge comes back to you."
Okay, now that sounded like a proper anime cheat ability.
"That's so damn cool," I grinned. "It's just like those isekai web novels! I can level up without doing anything!"
"Except," Jiraiya added, "you can't train your body with clones."
Womp womp.
Still, the plan was solid. "You'll train physically with me," he said, "while your clones learn taijutsu from my clone. In a week, you'll know the basics."
"Wait, so I train and I don't get to slack off using clones?"
"That's correct," he said with a grin that could melt mountains.
And that's how my hellish training arc began.
One of Jiraiya's clones marched my army of me's off into the woods like a drill sergeant, barking orders about footwork and punches, while the real Jiraiya stretched and casually asked me to "warm up with five hundred push-ups."
I don't remember much after that except that somewhere between push-up #37 and punch #6, I blacked out, drooled on a tree root, and one of my clones kicked me awake.
Being a ninja was tough.
Being a shonen protagonist-in-training was worse.
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If you had told me a week ago that I'd be trying to walk on water like some chakra-powered Jesus and end up mouth-to-bark with a log, I would've laughed. Then probably checked your temperature. And then run.
But here we are.
Let's start with how I got into this mess.
"Alright, Issei. Time to learn how to walk on water," Jiraiya said casually, like it was as normal as brushing your teeth.
Spoiler alert: it wasn't. It was the exact opposite of normal. It was anime-nonsense-level magic and physics combined, and I was 100% not ready for it.
We'd left the main training ground (aka Pain City) and walked to a small lake nestled in the woods, peaceful, sparkly, and suspiciously silent—like even the frogs were waiting to laugh at me.
Jiraiya demonstrated, of course. He stepped onto the water like it was solid ground and just stood there with the smug grace of a toad sage who'd done this a thousand times.
"Easy," he said. "Chakra control. Focus it to your feet and adjust as needed. If you lose focus, you'll sink."
I looked down at the water.
It looked cold.
And deep.
And very not-solid.
"Right," I muttered. "Focus chakra to the feet. No problem."
I stood at the edge, did the hand sign for focus (which probably wasn't a thing, but it made me feel more ninja-y), and stepped forward.
SPLASH.
Instant fail. I sunk like a rock with dreams.
"Try again!" Jiraiya called, like this was some kind of summer fun camp.
Attempt #2: SPLASH.
Attempt #3: SPLAAAASH.
Attempt #4: I managed to float for 0.3 seconds before slipping, panicking, and doing a weird tap dance that ended with my face in the mud.
But I was stubborn. If Naruto could do this, so could I. Probably. Maybe.
Eventually, I got cocky.
Attempt #9 was going so well. I had chakra on my feet, I was balancing, I even did a little victory fist-pump. That was my mistake.
KERPLUNK. Down I went, again.
Now, let me explain what happened next, because I'm pretty sure it's going to haunt me forever.
When I fell, I panicked. Like, arms-flailing, mouth-gasping, over-the-top anime-drowning panic. I couldn't see. Water got in my nose. I might've screamed. And then I reached out blindly, grabbed the first thing that floated near me, and started giving it CPR.
Yes. I gave CPR.
To a log.
In front of Jiraiya.
And the toads.
And probably a few squirrels watching from the bushes.
pffft
I heard the unmistakable sound of my teacher choking on laughter.
"Issei," Jiraiya said between snorts, "are you rescuing firewood?"
I opened one eye and realized I was pumping the chest of a damp, algae-coated piece of tree like it was my best friend in a soap opera.
"Live, damn you!" I shouted, just to save face. "You still have so much to give!"
Jiraiya lost it. He was laughing so hard he had to sit down.
So yeah. That was my day.
Training Summary:
Chakra control: 2/10
Water walking: Negative success
CPR skills: Unintentionally solid (if the patient is wooden)
Dignity: Missing in action, presumed drowned
But you know what? Despite the failure, the water up my nose, and the emotional bond I now shared with that log, I was getting closer. Each time, I stayed up just a little longer.
Next time, I'd stand for real.
And next time, I'd make sure the only thing I was saving… was myself.
Maybe.