There are exactly five signs your life is spiraling into absurdist hell.
1. You wake up tied to a velvet heart-shaped bed.
2. Your breakfast is a three-course love confession.
3. All five of your psychotically devoted fiancées are holding knives, spatulas, or spellbooks—lovingly.
4. The national news is calling you the "Blessed Groom of War."
5. A goddess shows up wearing a therapist badge that says "Eris, Totally Certified."
Rei opened one bleary eye and immediately regretted it.
The honeymoon dungeon suite was unusually…quiet.
Too quiet.
Then—
POOF!
A cloud of glittery chaos exploded in the center of the room. Folding chairs materialized like summoned beasts. A ring of decorative, softly glowing mood lanterns descended from the ceiling. And in the middle of it all stood Goddess Eris, wearing a professional blazer over her usual sparkly battle bikini, holding a clipboard.
"Oh great," Rei muttered, dragging a pillow over his head. "What now, goddess of unsolicited life coaching?"
"Group therapy~!" Eris beamed, tossing confetti. "To help you and your dangerously obsessive soulmates learn to communicate, express feelings, and maybe not reenact ancient yandere war crimes!"
[System Notification:]
[New Side Quest Unlocked: "Love Counseling Carnage!"]
[Objective: Attend mandatory therapy. Don't die.]
[Reward: Emotional trauma. And maybe snacks.]
"…Hard pass."
Too late. Doors slammed open as each girl entered one by one.
Seraphina, radiant and terrifying, waltzed in with a silver tray of rose-petal tea. Her name tag read: "Princess, Not Possessive (Much)"
Lilia tiptoed in behind her, wearing matching friendship bracelets for everyone. Hers said: "Lilia: Childhood Bonded. Forever. "
Rosette glided in like a ghost with a clipboard of her own and suspiciously perfect ink calligraphy that said: "Rosette: Observing You While You Sleep Since Age 6."
Drakana kicked the door off its hinges. "THERAPY FIGHT CIRCLE?! I'M READY!!" Her nametag simply read: "Drakana. Violence."
Lucivella, sipping lava-colored wine, gave Rei a long smoldering look as she floated in on a cushion of dark mist. Her tag said: "Lucivella: Fiancée Eternal, Attorney of Obsession."
Rei took one look at the incoming chaos and dove under the refreshment table.
"Great," he mumbled, clutching a lone cheese cube. "This is fine. This is normal."
Eris clapped her hands.
"Welcome, my lovely heartbreak grenades! Today we're learning about healthy romantic expression! Everyone, say one nice thing that doesn't involve imprisonment, ritual bonding, or invasive soul branding!"
Lucivella raised her hand first.
"I only tattooed his name on three hearts this week."
Eris blinked. "...Other people's hearts?"
"Demon nobles," Lucivella smiled sweetly. "They weren't using them."
Rei bit into the cheese cube and wished for death.
"Let's go in a circle!" Eris chirped. "Introduce yourselves! Let's make this as awkwardly honest as possible."
Lilia stood up first, holding a scrapbook.
"Hi, I'm Lilia," she said with a big smile. "I've known Rei since he was three. I was also three. We're both twenty now, so obviously we're soulmates. Here's a diorama of our wedding!"
She opened the scrapbook. The table groaned. There was a tiny figurine of Rei in a tuxedo made of stitched hair strands.
Rei screamed internally.
Next, Seraphina rose with imperial grace.
"I am Princess Seraphina Aurelia," she said. "I've constructed seventeen wedding palaces in anticipation of his acceptance. I brought blueprints. They are scented."
She handed them around. The blueprints smelled like cinnamon, longing, and lavender intimidation.
Then came Rosette, who didn't speak. She just placed a journal on the table titled "Emotion Logs of Lord Rei's Breathing Patterns: Volume 12."
Eris flipped a page.
"…You wrote a haiku about his sneeze."
"His allergies are endearing," Rosette said softly. "I preserved the tissue."
"Moving on!" Eris said too quickly.
Drakana flexed.
"HI. I'm Drakana. I broke two volcanoes to build our honeymoon mountain. I made a swimsuit out of dragon scales. It breathes fire."
Lucivella tilted her head. "Mine breathes despair."
"Fight me."
"Gladly."
Rei peeked out from under the table.
"Can I opt out?"
[System Notification:]
[Therapy Session Mandatory. Escaping will trigger affection-seeking blood duels.]
[Reminder: You have no respawn.]
Eris pulled out her clipboard again. "Now then! Let's play a game called: 'What's One Thing You'd Change About Rei?'"
"NOTHING," all five girls said in perfect terrifying harmony.
"Okay!" Eris said, unconcerned. "Next segment: 'Trust-Building Exercises!' Everyone must write a love haiku and read it aloud without threatening anyone! Ready, go!"
Five quills scribbled. Five glares flicked sideways. The air grew tense.
Rosette went first.
"Moonlight through his hair, Soft footsteps on palace floors ,Yours? They're numbered."
"Wait, what—"
"Next!" Eris yelped.
Drakana stood.
"Roasted my rivals, With fire and passion both, He flinched. Adorable."
Lucivella floated a scroll into Eris's hands.
"He dreams of silence, But in my arms, it will sing, Until he shatters."
"…Charming," Eris muttered.
Lilia offered a pink note shaped like a heart.
"We held hands once, see?
Then he sneezed and said 'okay'
Wedding confirmed then."
"Still not legally binding!" Rei shouted from under the table.
Seraphina rose with queenly confidence.
"His mouth says 'please no' But his aura glows with 'yes' ,I read between breaths."
Eris clapped. "Excellent job violating emotional boundaries with poetic finesse! Now let's move to our final exercise—"
CLANK.
Lucivella and Drakana had drawn weapons. Rosette unsheathed a hairpin dagger. Lilia was stretching a garrote made of braided ribbon. Seraphina casually removed her heels to reveal blade heels.
"Oh no," Rei whispered. "She initiated group combat protocol."
Eris blinked. "I didn't—Wait. Who said anything about fighting?"
Seraphina raised her hand. "Group therapy duel. Standard practice. Winner earns tonight's dinner date."
"WAIT," Eris shouted. "This isn't—this isn't that kind of therapy!"
Too late.
Chairs flipped. Confetti exploded. Lucivella summoned a circle of screaming demonic sonnets. Drakana suplexed a potted plant. Rosette vanished into a shadow and reappeared behind Seraphina with a fork.
Lilia tried to hand everyone cookies mid-battle.
Rei army-crawled across the floor and dove behind the refreshment table again.
[System Notification:]
[Unexpected Boss Encounter Triggered: "Yandere Therapy Melee"]
[Achievement Unlocked: "Emotionally Wounded and Also Literally Wounded"]
[Tip: Refreshment tables are not safe zones.]
Eris stood calmly with a bowl of popcorn.
"Welp. I tried. That counts as divine effort."
"You call this therapy?!" Rei shouted, ducking a flying crystal chair.
Eris grinned.
"Oh no, this is entertainment. The therapy was a trap."
A spear flew by and impaled a love-letter piñata.
Rei shrieked and curled into a ball.
[System Alert:]
[Love Intensity Levels Reaching Maximum Thresholds]
[Marriage Outcome Prediction: Statistically Unfathomable]
[Mental Stability Forecast: Eroding Like Cheap Sandcastles]
Drakana and Lucivella locked horns, literally. Rosette tried to stab Lucivella's aura. Seraphina summoned a guilt-powered lightning bolt. Lilia was humming lullabies while mixing "affection serum" in a tea kettle.
And in the center of it all, Eris turned to the reader.
"Isn't love healing?" she said sweetly.
Then pulled out a ticket booth labeled "Yandere Therapy: 3 Gold per Seat."
Rei popped his head up from the refreshment table one last time.
"I JUST WANTED PEACE—!"
CLANG.
Rosette tackled him into a therapeutic cuddle session.
[System Notification:]
[Session Complete!]
[Results: Five extremely emotionally expressive wives]
[Rei's Sanity: Critically endangered.]
[You earned: A complimentary 'Survival Stamp'. It's shaped like a bandage.]
To be continued…